to refuse antidepressants....

[Longdistance]

....from the doc, as my situation can be resolved, without pills.
Just been to the doc's, and i've had a viral infection all week. I'm mildly asthmatic, and the doc gave me 2 inhalers, and some antibiotics. I then proceeded to break down and cry in front of the doc , and told her about our move to Australia, and how unhappy I have been, and that I miss everyone, and that my dh has been a complete arse about everything. I refused the anti depressants, as feel they are not the answer.
When the opportunity came up to move to Oz, it was discussed prior, and we agreed, that it wasn't for us, as we had been on holiday, and it didn't wow us. So, that was left on the back burner.
Que back 4months later, and the guy here in Oz (same company as UK) contacts dh again, and says he has a job for him. Dh jumps at the chance, and then pressures me into saying yes (I was 6 months pg at the time, and ill). He was impossible to live with, and feel he bullied me into this :(
I have had to give up everything in my life for this move, and it has made me very unhappy. I have given up my job (although they haven't dealt with my resignation yet), my family, and friends. Just so dh can work here in Oz. I ahve previously given up a lot in this relationship, and he has taken, and now I think I'm paying the price.
Since we've been here my dh has treated me badly (he hasn't hit me), just hasn't given me any emotional support, and has been constantly on my case about things, such as you need to do this, and this. I'm a grown woman of 36, and don't need telling what needs doing. I did very well on my own before, and don't need his dictatorship. Things like going for a night out. I might not fancy going, as one of the evenings I was dropping my dbro at the airport, and didn't want to leave my car in the city, and get a taxi back. The timing was poor, so he kept going on and on about it. Constantly asking why the housekeeping money isn't enough. He pressured me into buying a car I didn't want.
This is the most unhappy I have been in my life, and I just don't know what to do?!
Was I right to refuse the antidepressants?
Sorry for the long post, and any (sp) mistakes as I'm crying writing this :(

Come home, then get proper legal advice about your house here, and your money that went into it. Don't tell him your plans either, get your passport and the DCs passports, and take them everywhere with you, hidden, and preferably in your clothes, not in your bag or the car. Book a flight that leaves while he's at work, so you can just casually leave the house as if you're taking the girls swimming or something, and just get on the plane and come home.

Well it sounds to me like if you are going to start feeling happy where you are, there are certain specific things you will need. Things like (for a start):

• To feel you have a say in financial decisions, and knowledge of your (joint) money situation
• Access to enough money to be able to do/buy some things for yourself, not only the minimum household needs (given that it seems there IS more available, so there is no need for you to be so restricted - also remind him that you would have a JOB yourself if you hadn't given it up for him!)
• For your H to commit to be home in time for you to be able to do some activity at least X nights per week
• Perhaps to find a reliable babysitter so you and H can go out together once every few weeks?
• Possibly relationship/couples' counselling?
• For him to stop pressuring and overriding you.

If you think an ultimatum will get him to agree to those things, it may be worth hanging in there a bit longer, after all it is not unusual for it to take a while to feel "at home" somewhere.

But if you don't think there is a chance of him agreeing to these (and then actually sticking to it), then I would suggest coming home as well...

FWIW you don't sound depressed to me. I'm no expert but it sounds like you haven't lost your potential for getting enthusiastic about things, and you have still been "getting out there" and trying to do things to improve your life, it sounds like it's mostly the fact that H keeps blocking things that is making you miserable, which is a normal reaction I would say.

That's why I'm asking about anti d's, as think I am miserable because of him, and allowing this to happen. If he was at all understanding, then I would be a lot happier. But, he's very ignorant on the subject, and thinks that if I go home for a 'holiday' all will be well. But, I'm tempted to not come back!

Think your instincts are correct. 'Holiday' sounds perfect.

Don'[t see how anyone could be happy in such a one-sided relationship.

Housekeeping ? what is this 1950 ? Tell him that he gets you a joint account cash card or you are going home, what a plonker.
Equally if he doesn't turn things around pretty quick go home anyway, don't waste your life in an unhappy, unequal relationship.

Ah, you know you can't just take the kids don't you ?
And you could be forced to bring them back to Australia

I found this on an expats website:

Children - what happens if you/your partner decide to go home..... Hague Convention
If you are thinking of moving to Australia with children I would advise this....

Or even - if your in Australia and wish to take your children home to the UK to live.....

Sit down and discuss what you would both like to happen with your children if your dream of living in Australia isn't what you expected/you separate/in the event one of you chooses to go back home? Too many scenarios to note all - you get the jist!

Do you
a) Children stay with Mother, regardless of where she chooses to live?
b) Children stay with Father, regardless of where he chooses to live?
c) You both stay in Australia so the children can have both parents?
d) You both go back home to the UK?
e) May have other thoughts!

Did you know this? Once you have both made the decision to move to Australia, as soon as you land - the Children are now residents of Australia?

If one of you decided to go back home, you will need your partners permission to take the children, yes - even if ALL of you were born and have lived your whole lives in the UK.

If you leave & take the children with you, without the other parents permission, regardless of your circumstances (eg..separated, no money, no house, no job, Isolation etc etc), and the stay behind parent pursues you -

• You may have the police knocking on your door in the UK, you may be charged with child abduction. Yes, even if the child was born and raised in the UK. You would have broken a law called the 'Hague Convention'.

Once the police come knocking you may then be summoned to court under the Hague Convention, and more than likely (99%) the children will be ordered back to Australia.

Then once in Australia you will then have to go through the courts in Australia to apply to have your child/ren relocate with you back to the UK! And you may not win.

Long winded I know, but this is a law that is not mentioned in many places. This is a law that those tempting 'Move to Australia for a better life' TV programs etc don't mention, this is a law that the Immigration don't mention. Its a law people have never heard of unless it happens to them. This happens to many people each year, and is something that I believe people need to know about in case it happens to them, or they know someone who it may affect.

Take precautions before the move, talk about the children's future's, and get it in writing with a Solicitor!

Take a good look at your visa restrictions - are you coming due to your Spouse's trade? Whats the restrictions on the other parents visa if you separate within the 1st 2 yrs?

Doing this may save you years within the legal system, over $150,000 in costs, your children's mental wellbeing, health, stress, poverty and years wasted.

I hope this post helps someone.

Gosh Mosman, good points.

Personally I think you should be very worried OP. Being cagey about finances is very scary, you are in a very vulnerable position.

Is the account/mortgage etc in joint names? If so you have every right to contact the bank directly and ask for duplicate statements.

You are going to have to start taking more control.

longdistance His behaviour comes under the heading 'financial abuse'. It is abuse and you should act now to make that clear to him. Take as much control back as you can by going to banks yourself if accounts are jointly in your name.

I agree with everyone above. His controlling behaviour is very alarming, especially given that you are overseas. It is financial abuse, it is not normal and if your relationship has any hope of surviving HE has to change not you. You are not in the wrong. He is and he has to recognise that and learn and change. And he may not be able to to do that and you will probably need help and a lot of counselling to get to that point.

There are domestic abuse services in WA which will help you and can also help you access legal information about the rights of your children. here first www.womenscouncil.com.au/key-support-services.html. I don't know anything about the Hague Convention (although am a lawyer), but I think you are a way down the road from panicking about child abduction. Get legal advice early, follow it.

Don't rule out the anti-depressants as part of your coping strategy. They are not magic happy pills that will make you a Stepford Wife capable of tolerating the intolerable. They may make it easier for you to handle the horrible situation you are in.

Balls. www.womenscouncil.com.au/key-support-services.html

:o pretty much says it all. Return flights are cheaper than one-way flights, you needn't use the return part.

My DH is Buddhist, and his favourite monk's monestary (Ajahn Brahm) is in/near Perth. No idea if this is useful to you or not, but buddhists are nice, supportive people if you're looking for something else to do/another perth-based social circle for what time you have left there. and it's free, sorry priceless, to go to their fri night talks He has a lot of talks on you tube.

er, that should have been , sorry!!!

We're on 457 business visa's, so are not permanent residents. Say dh loses his job, he will have to find someone else to sponsor him, or leave within 28days.

So does that mean you can take them out of the country, londistance?

It doesn't matter what visa you are on the kids are subject to Australian law you can't just take them without both parents permission or he can drag them back to Australia. He might not do that but equally he might. Only you know if its Better to have an honest conversation with him or do a moonlight flit.

His controlling behaviour is very worrying.

He has moved you half way round the world against your wishes.

He controls the money and, well, frankly, every other aspect of your life.

Go home.

Now.

That is why I am treading carefully about just doing a 'moonlight flit', as I feel this would be just like abduction. Even though he'd know where I'd be. His family know how desperately unhappy I am, but can't bring myself to tell my own family, as they would be like,'leave him etc', which I have to think about, and deal with tactfully.
He has made my life hell here, and I think he really wanted me to like it here. But, it has backfired on him, as he has treated me appallingly, when he should have been looking out for me, knowing that I wasn't happy about the move, and putting all the stops out.

Before I forget, he has both his dsis living here. One is close by (but she works, and can only do so much), she is amazing! Then, there's my other sil, who might as well live in outer Mongolia, as she rarely contacts us (and lives in the bush). So, he has family here, and I have no one. He has also made friends through his work, and as I said earlier, I rarely get invited to their do's.

On a 457 you can work too if you wanted to, that might help.
I think you've got to talk to him though, spell out how miserable you are and appeal to his better nature.

He knows how miserable I am. It's like he's torturing me, by not listening to me.
I did know that I can work, but yet again dh is trying to dictate this to me that he doesn't want me working full time so the lazy arse bugger doesn't need to deal with the children
But, I feel that again he has won, as I gave up a perfectly good job back home for this move, and would have to start again, as was in my last job nearly 15yrs :(

Can your fabulous SIL beat talk sense into her brother?

What did you used to do, work wise ?