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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need advice on a sensitive topic

64 replies

hertsfem55 · 13/05/2012 21:35

I live in my Mothers house who is 90 and has dementia, I moved in 10 years ago and now, am my Mothers full time carer. The house is ex council and was bought by my Brother, for my parents until their death and then it goes to him. He works in Saudi Arabia and has 2 children , having sent the first, back to England to the house 6 years ago at 16 to study for her A levels.
He paid me £25 a week for her keep, that included everything , plus all the lifte etc to and fro parties etc. 2 years ago he sent the other girl and has continued to pay me £25 a week. She will be leaving school this year and will contuine to live here, however she has a boyfriend who spends almost everyday here and I need advise on how much she now should be paying ,as it's been £25 a week for 6 years.

OP posts:
workshy · 13/05/2012 21:36

ooo tricky one -do you pay your brother rent for living at the house?

McHappyPants2012 · 13/05/2012 21:37

Are you paying the bills like gas electric counsel tax ect

gordyslovesheep · 13/05/2012 21:40

you would get CB and CTC for these kids though? so more than £25 a week I would have thought?

Jinsei · 13/05/2012 21:43

Hmm, tricky indeed. How much do you think it actually costs to have her living there? And how much does your brother expect you to do for her, and how much is she expected to fend for herself?

squeakytoy · 13/05/2012 21:43

The first 16yo is now 22 Gordy, so OP wouldnt get anything and the youngest is 18.

No reason why OP should support these adults either. They should all be sharing bills really, or the father paying his daughters shares of the bills.

knowitallstrikesagain · 13/05/2012 21:44

Are you living there rent free? If DB paid for the house he technically owns it and can allow anyone to live there unless there is a written contract saying that your .mother legally owns it until she dies. I do not understand why a 24yo is still living there yet not peying her way.
In a muddled sort of way I am trying to say work out what the girls cost you and ask for this amount. You should not be out of pocket but you have to consider if there is a financial benefit to you living in the house.

Original poster
hertsfem55 · 13/05/2012 21:48

No i do not pay any rent, but gave up my job, to look after my Mum full time and now get only £89 week to look after her. I buy all food and pay all bills and no we do not get any Child benefit etc as she came from Saudi and my brother has never any NI contrubitions so we were not eligible. However she got EMA and a bus pass based on my income , plus free school meals

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/05/2012 21:50

Who pays the bills? Presumably your mum has a pension too.

It is certainly an awkward situation that will not get any easier in the future either.

When the house reverts back to your brother, has he given you any indication of what will happen to you?

Original poster
hertsfem55 · 13/05/2012 21:51

Sorry will add clarity, older girl no longer here she in now back in Saudi, house is Mums till she dies. Incidentally my sister in law comes for some months and she too pays only £25 a week, all inclusive.

OP posts:
BabyDubsEverywhere · 13/05/2012 21:52

I would say your free rent would cover the costs of his children living in his house tbh, and you paying the bills would be your contribution towards it all. A bit of a shit situation though.

ErikNorseman · 13/05/2012 21:52

The going rate for a home stay student is around £12.50 per night. I'd expect at least £75 pw to feed and house, not to mention look after, a niece.

ErikNorseman · 13/05/2012 21:53

And another £75 from the boyfriend.

squeakytoy · 13/05/2012 21:53

so who pays the bills?

ErikNorseman · 13/05/2012 21:54

Seriously? The food alone will cost more than £25, plus op is in loco parentis, she's looking after his kids, they are too young to be considered lodgers.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 13/05/2012 21:55

Have you tried talking to him? He is your brother after all, and it is his daughter, mother and sister's welfare we're talking about.
Work out what it costs for the bills, food, petrol etc, so you have accurate figures at hand, and then talk to him about it, calmly and dispassionately if possible. He may not have realised just how much the cost of living has risen here recently, especially if he's been abroad, and earning well/living well for all that time.
See what he says.

squeakytoy · 13/05/2012 21:56

they are not lodgers, it is their fathers house, and they are adults, not children

Original poster
hertsfem55 · 13/05/2012 21:56

I will be homeless, when my Mum dies. I have authority over my Mum's affairs and with my small pension we pay all the bills.

OP posts:
Wheezo · 13/05/2012 21:57

Gosh OP I think you should get some legal advice pronto on your rights to remain in the house once your mother dies. There is such a thing in equity called promissory estoppel (and proprietary estoppel) that I suggest you look into.

Your brother appears to be treating like you some kind of barely paid domestic slave to palm his kids off once they're in higher education. I should imagine if he is living and working in KSA he is on a princely wage and now presumably he and his wife are enjoying their child free time while you subsidise his grown kids and endure living in a house full of teenagers and their boyfriends.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/05/2012 21:59

Is your brother aware of the cost of living here? I take it it's him thats paying the £25 per week?

How would he react if you suggested an increase?

Lovelynewboots · 13/05/2012 21:59

I think there is slightly more to this than the issue of whether you get to live there rent free. You have been caring for yours and his mother as a full time job. This is something that cannot be ignored by your brother and I think he is taking you for granted somewhat. The fact of the matter is you could have been working and have a house of your own but it seems you have chosen to care for your mother instead which is admirable. You are in an extremely vulnerable situation when your mother finally passes away as it does not seem that you have any permanent place to live. Do you get on well with your brother? He may well want to sell the house when your mother does die. Sorry to sound so matter of fact, I just think you need to clearer about where you see your own future. The fact that you have been your mothers carer for so long must count for something and my feeling is that you should be entitled a share of the house, particularly if you have been paying to maintain it. The only way to be sure would be to get some legal advice.

LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 13/05/2012 22:00

What about her expenses - clothes etc?

I would say food - £25, bills £10 plus something for you caring for them. Why has it been £25 for so long? Why on earth did you agree to this?

Lovelynewboots · 13/05/2012 22:00

I've crossed with Wheezo, please get some legal advice.

ErikNorseman · 13/05/2012 22:00

It is their father's house, and the op cares for their father's mother, therefore losing out on an income or home of her own. I don't think OP's brother is doing her a favour, do you? He gets the equity when their mum passes away, and op gets nothing. And she's expected to look after his teenage dd on top for pennies? At £25 pw she will be out of pocket and supplementing their costs out of her tiny carers allowance.

Original poster
hertsfem55 · 13/05/2012 22:01

it's not his house till my Mum passes. He bought the house for £12k many years ago and has not affected any repairs on the property ever. He has worked in Saudi for 31 years and I have paid for any repairs on the property.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 13/05/2012 22:01

Not only will you be homeless but jobless too. Have you thought this through properly?