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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my DP to stay with me on my birthday when I am waiting to miscarry

52 replies

toryalane · 13/05/2012 17:38

First post, been lurking for a week but now I need to vent. Please accept my apologies for the length.

I found out I was pregnant last Sunday we were shocked but ultimately excited. I calculated I would be 7 weeks pregnant going off conception as I couldn't remember when my LMP was. On Tuesday I began to get cramps so having had a previous ectopic I went to the EPU at 2am. They gave me a blood test and an internal and told me to return Weds for a scan. Went to scan no heartbeat, just sac which was in the right place but only the size of 5 week sac. We were heartbroken, they wouldn;t do anymore and said I could have got my dates wrong - I KNOW I haven't. They want to rescan me a week on Weds. Until that point I am basically waiting to miscarry, I am frightened and every little twinge I feel I think it is starting. Today is my birthday. DP is not the most thoughtful and for my present this morning I received a paperback chicklit book I read some time ago. Family have been round today and it's been nice to see everyone, we all watched the football which ended in disappointment for me but joy for DP, he has now just come upstairs and asked to go for a pint. I just started to cry. IABU?

OP posts:
Original poster
toryalane · 13/05/2012 19:42

I know Bob, I knew that at the time. I suppose I am trying to model how he should behave with me! - We'll see how that works out! He has eight minutes to walk through the door...

OP posts:
Bobyan · 13/05/2012 19:49

The very fact you feel the need to count is setting off alarm bells in my head. There isn't a model of how he should behave with you, it's relatively simple. He should be treating you the way that you would treat him if the roles were reversed. ( hope that makes sense).

Be kind to yourself x

WhiteTrash · 13/05/2012 19:52

Im not sure, I dont know much about the whole dates business but Ive read before about empty sacs, then they go back a week later and they see something in the sac. I think thats why they make you wait a week.

Silverlace · 13/05/2012 19:54

YANBU to want him with you but it seems he is finding it difficult so maybe an hour out would do him some good and give him a break. Can you go with him or if you don't fancy the pub go for a walk together just for a change of scene?

I know how you feel, the same happened to me so I know how hard the waiting is. He seems to be a good man, just not coping at the moment. Stay close to each other and you will get through it together.

Some0ne · 13/05/2012 19:56

I was in the same situation as you twice - sacs measuring 5 weeks at 7 week scans, no visible foetuses, no heartbeats, and both times I was sent home to wait to miscarry.

Both children are peacefully asleep upstairs now, DD is almost 2 and DS is 3 months.

Don't lose hope.

Original poster
toryalane · 13/05/2012 19:56

WT they're making me wait two! Life feels like it's on pause. I asked them if they could do a series of blood tests for my HCG levels (I was at 4k on Weds) but they told me it wasn't accurate to do that, yet I've read otherwise?! Very confused about the whole sorry palava. I have to travel by train to London for work Friday, stay over and then return Saturday the thought of the MC happening then is just awful.

OP posts:
Gentleness · 13/05/2012 19:56

I'm no medic, just had to do a lot of research because of our own situations. And I'm hesitant to get your hope up because I've been in your shoes and know how much you go to and fro. So up to you whether to read on.....

Well unless you know when you ovulated OR you only had unprotected sex on certain (few) days, you can't narrow down when you conceived. It is quite possible to ovulate on day 14 of your cycle ( the "norm") but are your cycles regular enough to predict - sounds not. So equally possible for it to have been day 24 - 30 which would be in range for your measurements.

Also, seeing a sac measuring 5wks and no heartbeat is pretty normal as far as I know. In a wk or so, if the sac is growing at a normal rate, you might expect to see a heartbeat, but even then not all women do.

So I'd say if your lmp was march 15th say, you could be 7+wks max, but possibly 5+ wks depending on when you ovulated.

Cramping in very early pg is totally normal too.

(I am pg, lmp of march 18th, with a very vague ovulation date and history of miscarriage, so I've been thinking all this through.)

Original poster
toryalane · 13/05/2012 19:58

TY Some0ne and Silverlace x

OP posts:
Gentleness · 13/05/2012 20:00

Also, for both my sons I consistently measured behind despite knowing exactly when I ovulated. And they were both both late (15 days and 9 days) so I reckon it is possible to have a slow starter too. When did you test positive?

Original poster
toryalane · 13/05/2012 20:02

Ty for taking the time to reply Gentleness, I have been through it over and over. I am not irregular and I am 100% on conception date 03/04.

OP posts:
Original poster
toryalane · 13/05/2012 20:03

I tested positive Sunday 6th, two ASDA cheapos and one Clear Blue Digital that said 3+.

OP posts:
Gentleness · 13/05/2012 20:13

Um, do you mean conception or the likely time based on having sex that day? You could have conceived up to 5 days after having sex. But really it is just a hideous waiting game I'm afraid. Hope you can keep really really busy...

Original poster
toryalane · 13/05/2012 20:15

Had sex on that day. I never accounted for the possible 5 days later.

OP posts:
Gentleness · 13/05/2012 20:18

Sorry, missed that post! 6th may? I reckon try not to feel too negative just yet. Pretty hard I know, but worth fighting for.

lolajane2009 · 13/05/2012 20:20

he does sound like an arse. yanbu

PeachyPossum · 13/05/2012 20:59

Hi,

I also don't want to get your hopes up but I had this too, was convinced I was 7 weeks, they found a sac but no heartbeat, sac was 5 weeks. Made me wait for the op (I was bleeding) we had an internal scan the next week which found the foetal pole and heartbeat. If you are 5 weeks I think it would be very rare to see heartbeat on a normal scan. (DD is 9 now)

Please take it easy, I have fingers crossed for you. Also hope your other half settles and supports you either way x

Marne · 13/05/2012 21:08

Keeping my fingers crossed for you (there is still hope). I had a bleed with dd2, was sent for a scan, i thought i was 7 weeks pg but scan only showed as 5 weeks (i knew when my last period was), a few weeks later they found a heart beat (after an internal scan), to my dates my due date was the 15th of march, to the scan dates it was 28th of march. Dd2 arrived on the 15th Smile. Scans are not always spot on.

Dee03 · 13/05/2012 21:11

Hope all works out ok for you Smile

Original poster
toryalane · 13/05/2012 21:11

Thank you PP.

In other news I have been made an absolute fool of. He stumbled in twenty minutes ago and is now snoring on couch. Happy f*cking birthday to me! I can't believe he has repaid my trust in this way I am so surprised at him.

I feel like an idiot but most of all I feel let down and betrayed.

OP posts:
PeachyPossum · 13/05/2012 21:14

:(

What an arsehole. I'm really sorry to hear he's done that.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 13/05/2012 21:24

Wow he really needs a swift kick to the balls, what a selfish twat

Horsetowater · 13/05/2012 21:34

He's using sleep and booze to escape. Not very grown up of him. Can you get a Real Man to have a word with him? Also some respite from a friend or family would be a good idea, you have been stuck together for five days under the most intense pressure imaginable.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 13/05/2012 23:28

Could you show him this thread when he wakes up? It might wake him up in more ways than one.

Hope your wait has a good result, OP.

fluffypillow · 13/05/2012 23:34

YANBU. Sorry you're going through a tough time, and that your DP seems to be making things worse.

cocoachannel · 13/05/2012 23:39

Hi Op,

Sorry to hear you're going through all this.

Are you on the Ectopic Pregnancy Trust website? The forums there were a godsend after my EP, especially in the wait between my scan at around 4 weeks, which showed right place, no heart beat and my six week scan. (I was very fortunate and all was well). They are moderated by volunteers and midwives so lots of good knowledge as well as support from others who have been through EPs and are now TTC or pregnant.

Good luck, and happy birthday.

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