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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my DP to stay with me on my birthday when I am waiting to miscarry

52 replies

toryalane · 13/05/2012 17:38

First post, been lurking for a week but now I need to vent. Please accept my apologies for the length.

I found out I was pregnant last Sunday we were shocked but ultimately excited. I calculated I would be 7 weeks pregnant going off conception as I couldn't remember when my LMP was. On Tuesday I began to get cramps so having had a previous ectopic I went to the EPU at 2am. They gave me a blood test and an internal and told me to return Weds for a scan. Went to scan no heartbeat, just sac which was in the right place but only the size of 5 week sac. We were heartbroken, they wouldn;t do anymore and said I could have got my dates wrong - I KNOW I haven't. They want to rescan me a week on Weds. Until that point I am basically waiting to miscarry, I am frightened and every little twinge I feel I think it is starting. Today is my birthday. DP is not the most thoughtful and for my present this morning I received a paperback chicklit book I read some time ago. Family have been round today and it's been nice to see everyone, we all watched the football which ended in disappointment for me but joy for DP, he has now just come upstairs and asked to go for a pint. I just started to cry. IABU?

OP posts:
Gigondas · 13/05/2012 17:42

No- yanbu. Physically and emotionally mc are shit and you should not have to be alone if you don't want to be. Did you tell him no?

fraggle500 · 13/05/2012 17:44

Sorry, no words of wisdom I'm afraid, just wanted to say YANBU and I really feel for you right now having had this happen to me with first PG. May be your DP doesn't realise just how heart breaking this can be. Can you talk to him? xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hullygully · 13/05/2012 17:46

arse from arseland.

hugs to you.

BlueFergie · 13/05/2012 17:47

YANBU. I am sorry for what you are going through. He is being thoughtless probably just caught up in the excitement of the win. Tell him you need him now. That you don't want to be alone. This should bring him back to his senses. Any decent man will stay.

cocolepew · 13/05/2012 17:47

What Hully says.

Take care of yourself.

BigBoobiedBertha · 13/05/2012 17:48

No YANBU, of course not.

Have you told DP how you are feeling? Some people aren't very tuned in to other people when they are upset and if you only found out last Sunday and there was no big drama like when you had your ectopic, maybe he hasn't considered you might need some support. If you don't want to be alone, tell him. I am sure he can forgo a pint just for a one day.

surroundedbyblondes · 13/05/2012 17:48

Tell him you need him. DH asked anout going back to work the day we found out I had miscarried. I said okay though I was furious he should need to ask. This has come up several times in rows since and while he admits he should have done differently, at the time he geniunely thought I was ok with it. Sorry for your loss honey

kilmuir · 13/05/2012 17:48

You need to speak to him. had several MCs and have to say my DH not always sure how he should be or what to say

fuzzpig · 13/05/2012 17:50

I'm so sorry, and of course YANBU.

I wonder if he is escaping because he is finding this incredibly difficult as well, or if he is just thoughtless :(

Original poster
toryalane · 13/05/2012 17:50

Thank you for your replies and kind words (for me) and harsh words (for him), will speak to him now.

OP posts:
HecateTrivia · 13/05/2012 18:01

I'm really sorry this is happening.

No, you are not being unreasonable.

He is being an arse. Running away from this situation is cowardly. Going out for a pint leaving you alone at a time like this is vile and he should be ashamed of himself.

This is when you need each other. Is he going to run away to the pub and hide in a pint every time something terrible happens?

I'm glad you are going to speak to him. It would be a very bad idea to tell him that it's ok while really feeling that it isn't.

kittyandthefontanelles · 13/05/2012 18:05

I'm so sorry. No you are not.

HappyJustToBe · 13/05/2012 18:08

YANBU. So sorry for you. Look after yourself and be honest about what you need with him.

rainydaysarebad · 13/05/2012 18:33

No you're not, and you know that already.

My husband was a total arse through all our miscarriages. Hope you feel better after talking to him.

StateofConfusion · 13/05/2012 18:35

Yanbu for you, and Happy Birthday xx

scentednappyhag · 13/05/2012 18:38

Sad nothing to add that hasn't been said, but I'm sorry you're going through this and wanted to add some support x

RandomMess · 13/05/2012 18:41

YANBU

Hope he makes it up to you for his thoughtlessness

Gentleness · 13/05/2012 18:59

I've been in your situation and while I don't think he is reasonable to suggest going to the pub, perhaps he is struggling too. No excuse of course and you should totally be the priority right now. I just know dh was devastated and did a fair bit of hiding it while seeming like an idiot. It can be hard to know how to comfort each other.

Thinking of you - so horrible waiting like that. Hope you have answers soon.

WhiteTrash · 13/05/2012 19:07

I may be clutching at straws a little but if you arent sure when your last period was, isnt it possible that you are 5 weeks? Im pretty sure they only see a sac until a certain amount of weeks?

If I am wrong, Im sorry. I hope youre ok. X

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 13/05/2012 19:12

Happy Birthday :) x

I agree with WhiteTrash - I think you should be thinking a little more positively, you might well still be pregnant.

He is, however, being an arse. Apart from anything, it's your birthday - why would he go to the pub and leave you on your own anyway?

PorkyandBess · 13/05/2012 19:14

So... your partner

Goes out when you're scared you might be miscarrying

Goes out without you on your birthday

Buys you a crappy present

He sounds a bit rubbish.

treas · 13/05/2012 19:21

Having gone through this myself I completely empathise with you - it is completely heartbreaking.

I however, sent my dh of to work whilst we awaited the inevitable outcome as there was nothing that he could do other than potentially annoy the hell out of me and make us both feel worse. Going to work meant that at least he was doing something constructive.

I'm in agreement with Gentleness that the pub is just your DP's way of trying to cope - although not in the most sensitive way. Maybe having the family round all day has been too much for him with keeping up a front.

When the waiting is over I'm sure he'll be there for you.

Original poster
toryalane · 13/05/2012 19:33

We spoke, he said he'd found it hard after seeing my sister, my BIL and the kids all fresh from a family bike ride as that is what he wants very badly. He says he has found it terribly difficult and that he is miserable, he says he doesn't know what to do.
He IS a good man (though not very good with presents, I concede). I ended up saying ok go for 1 hour, just because I can't escape for an hour shouldn't mean he can't. He left his Mum's 60th on Friday after an hour and a half to be with me and didn't drink so he could drive me to the hospital if need be.
I have probably been a bit soft but I just couldn't fault him for wanting an hour out of the "house of doom" (which is what this place has felt like for 5 days).
With the PG even though I don't know my LMP exact date I do know it was definitely before 20th March, is there still hope? I just can't make the maths work. Thank you all again.

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 13/05/2012 19:38

Sorry you are having a rubbish birthday, but there is still hope you could of ovulated later especially if you have irregular periods.

Bobyan · 13/05/2012 19:39

I'm sorry your having such a horrible time, but frankly he needs to man up and start supporting you properly.
Your last post made him sound like a martyr and an inconsiderate one at that.