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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to attend this funeral with DH?

64 replies

needtoask · 13/05/2012 12:14

Dh had and Uncle who died recently and the funeral is this week.
To cut a long story short apart from never meeting him at all, the man was very abusive to his children and his wife.

Not getting into the gory, horrendous details but he used implements on his wife and children as a way to keep them in line Angry

MIL phoned the other day giving DH details of the funeral. Expressing how no one is going and placing the emotional blackmail, which I am really tired of MIL doing this to DH.(this is not the first time)

I am refusing to attend this funeral and I have mentioned to DH about the guilt trip we are under from his mother. I love my DH and want to support him but I just cannot on this one.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Gentleness · 13/05/2012 12:16

Nope. But has dh asked you to go?

IAmBooyhoo · 13/05/2012 12:17

i think it would really depend how much your dh needs you there. if he will find the day really hard then i would go to support him but if he is just going to make up numbers and isn't really bothered about his uncle then i wouldn't go. your dh's feelings would be teh deciding factor.

fridayfreedom · 13/05/2012 12:17

YANBU , the fact that no one is going says a lot! does your dh have to go?

2shoes · 13/05/2012 12:18

if your DH wants to go, imo you should go for him

WorraLiberty · 13/05/2012 12:19

It depends on whether your DH needs/wants your support.

If he does, then I'd give it to him.

squeakytoy · 13/05/2012 12:22

The uncle himself is not going to be "present" at the funeral, so going would be to support the family who are there.

Original poster
needtoask · 13/05/2012 12:22

It funny you asked that as DH and I do everything together and stand by each other, he has asked me to go but is torn as family responsibilities are landed on him to pay the respects etc.
We talked and he understands my reasoning but I see in his eyes that as we are always together and supportive of each other, he is hurt by this IYSWIM

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 13/05/2012 12:23

Am assuming this is MIL's brother's funeral? It could be that she needs her DS there for support. Does your DH want to go?

MrsLettuce · 13/05/2012 12:24

I'm afraid you need to put your own (totally reasonable) feelings on the subject to one side and support your DH, if he wants you there.

monkeymoma · 13/05/2012 12:24

I also say the funeral is for the family, he's not going to be there

given the history I think your DH could do with a confidant to turn to to whisper "he was a bastard though" if he needs to, so I really think you should go for your DH

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/05/2012 12:25

I'm not surprised he's hurt, OP. It's not YOUR bereavement, it's his. Your job is to support him and go to the funeral if he wants you to.

WorraLiberty · 13/05/2012 12:25

You should go then and support him.

ChocolateTeacup · 13/05/2012 12:26

Go to support your DH not to pay respects to the dead

Birdsgottafly · 13/05/2012 12:29

Did you post about this when his Uncle was dying and there was a dillemma about going to see him?

I agree that it may be MIL that needs him there. Your DH needs you there.

As long as the funeral isn't going to include a big list of how good aman he was, then you should be able to focus on supporting your DH.

Original poster
needtoask · 13/05/2012 12:30

The thing is the MIL is not going, she has mental health issues and does not venture out.
I understand that its not my bereavement, tbh DH was not close to him at all, he will be more hurt as to leaving his mother disappointed and to not fullfil his responsibilities as the son. IYSWIM

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 13/05/2012 12:32

I think myself hypocritical to mourn the loss of a person I neither knew nor liked. YANBU, although it'll be a tough one to talk through with dp Sad

MrsLettuce · 13/05/2012 12:32

Poor bloke. That's a hell of a lot of responsibility placed on his shoulders.

If he feels he should be there, whatever the reason, I think you really have to help him carry some of the weight of the thing.

Birdsgottafly · 13/05/2012 12:33

He should go on behalf on his DM, otherwise this man is still causing upset in others even after his death.

Gentleness · 13/05/2012 12:35

Well if he has asked you to go and you usually do everything together, I withdraw my no and say yes you should go. Sounds like your mil will need the support too. Who is organising it if nobody is going? Maybe it will be kept as short as possible with nothing after even. ( feeling hopeful for you!)

monkeymoma · 13/05/2012 12:39

she doesn't have to mourn PurplePidjin, but she should support the mourners

IAmBooyhoo · 13/05/2012 12:40

i would go in that case. sounds like your dh is feeling the pressure. he will need you there.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/05/2012 12:40

Try to look at it as an 'event' at which your DH's attendance is mandatory. He needs to get through the day, he will do it far easier with you there to support him and, as you're not personally affected, you'll be able to support him in his 'duty' without upset to you. I really don't understand why you said 'no' in the first place. A funeral is for the living, not the dead. If there's a long diatribe about the uncle's merits you don't need to listen and neither does your DH.

Get through the day, that's all - plan something nice to do at the end of it and then close the page.

2shoes · 13/05/2012 12:42

it isn't about mourning, but about supporting your DH,
I am going to a funeral this week, I never met the bloke, but he was family to DH, so i will go to support dh, and to show support to his brothers that I have met(dead mans brothers, obviously I have met dh's)

McKayz · 13/05/2012 12:42

I would go to support my DH.

ImperialBlether · 13/05/2012 12:43

I'd go to support my husband.