to not want to attend this funeral with DH?

[needtoask]

Dh had and Uncle who died recently and the funeral is this week.
To cut a long story short apart from never meeting him at all, the man was very abusive to his children and his wife.

Not getting into the gory, horrendous details but he used implements on his wife and children as a way to keep them in line

MIL phoned the other day giving DH details of the funeral. Expressing how no one is going and placing the emotional blackmail, which I am really tired of MIL doing this to DH.(this is not the first time)

I am refusing to attend this funeral and I have mentioned to DH about the guilt trip we are under from his mother. I love my DH and want to support him but I just cannot on this one.

AIBU?

In your shoes, I would support my DP. If he wanted me there for him, I would be there.

Go with your DH's view on this. Your presence will not be endorsing this man's actions, not mourning his passing. You will be supporting your DH, that's all.

monkeymoma - By not going her DH would not be 'making an issue' of it, he would simply not be there. You appear to be bringing your own issues to this and I am sorry for whatever you have been through :(

Lying just because I happen to disagree with you, it does not make my opinion 'horrible'. What did I say that was actually 'horrible' and not just different to your opinion? The MIL is not blameless. It is not always the right thing to do, to support someones wishes - MH issues or not. It would be far worse for the OP's DH to go and play games on his phone, that would be disrespectful to any genuine morners there and I think that suggestion is horrific actually.

playing games on a phone would be disrespectful

I'd say support your husband, go if he wants to, don't go if he doesn't

ChippingIn... I'm happy to disagree with you. I thought what you wrote was horrible, not that you were.

The games playing on the phone was for illustration... you can do anything quietly and unostentatiously if you want to.

nice attempt to dismissing me as having an objective opinion on the OP, but no I'm not an abuse victim. I have however been both a chief mourner at funerals and at funerals where I wasn't grieving but was there to support the chief mourners, and know that this is NOT the time to take a stance against the man - too late for that TBH - he's not there any more!, now its about his family and their process!

and its also about the OPs DH who is going for whatever reason and it will be a difficult day for him. The DH more important than the uncle in law TBH - if you let your feelings about the uncle rule over your normal urges to support your husband then you are making the uncle more important than the DH in all of this, which is wrong!

I can't see any reason why you you'd be expected to go to the funeral of someone you've never even met They obviously weren't close so there's no reason why your husband would need you to support him. If he wants to go - fair enough. If not then it's up to him to not go. He's an adult.

Well, as to the comment about shitty family, the majority of them are tbh, as our marriage has progressed the more you find out, skeletons in the cupboard and all that, also it is not to rosey on my distant side of the family, as I understand it, none of his children are attending or his ex wife.

Btw MIL was one of six children, so I am assuming other brothers and sisters are attending

needtoask, but it's only really about your DH and what he needs/wants to do - him - all of the other stuff is really irrelevant, isn't it?

yea maybe, but I know DH, he is being emotionally blackmailed into attending!

well that would potentially make it a little easier (would for me anyway, not having to watch his victims going through the motions)

Your DH is going and is hurt that you are not so obviously does feel that he needs someone sane there with him.

How about you go near with him as a comprimise? travel there with him then hide out in a costa nearby so he knows you are near if he needs to escape and he can come to you straight after?

Yes, but what does HE want/need to do? If he feels he will attend then so must you because he needs your support and you, presumably, love him, so will do what you can for HIM, nothing to do with your MIL or the family drama or the uncle or whatever else.

It's one day - diminish it in your own mind to something of insignificance - because it is to you - and make it easier for your husband to get through it.

Treat yourselves to a nice lunch out afterwards and silently count down the minutes. That's what I would do anyway.

Emotional blackmail or not your DH is trying to do the right thing by his family, and it would be a nice thing to stand by him and support him. Quite often family situations mean doing things we don't want to do.

If it makes it any easier inwardly see yourself as dancing on the man's grave and rejoicing his passing. I imagine that is what is immediate family will be doing.

It's a difficult one, but I think I would go to support my husband. My Dh's step dad was abusive to Dh and his siblings when they were kids. Tbh I don't understand why they still speak to him, but my Dh has explained his reasons so I support him with that and keep quiet when the step dad is around. I can really understand why you wouldn't want to go, but I think you still should to provide support for your husband.