to not want to attend this funeral with DH?

[needtoask]

Dh had and Uncle who died recently and the funeral is this week.
To cut a long story short apart from never meeting him at all, the man was very abusive to his children and his wife.

Not getting into the gory, horrendous details but he used implements on his wife and children as a way to keep them in line

MIL phoned the other day giving DH details of the funeral. Expressing how no one is going and placing the emotional blackmail, which I am really tired of MIL doing this to DH.(this is not the first time)

I am refusing to attend this funeral and I have mentioned to DH about the guilt trip we are under from his mother. I love my DH and want to support him but I just cannot on this one.

AIBU?

I would be heavily encouraging my DH to tell his mother that he will not be going to the funeral of such a horrible man, that he will not be seen to show respect to a man who beat his wife and children and if she doesn't like that - hard luck really. Emotional blackmail is nasty and she needs pulling up on it.

That's horrible, ChippingIn.

I think it's one thing to go to a funeral of someone you never knew, to support your partner if it's a loss he's feeling. That is not the case here. The OP's DH doesn't want to go either, but is being guilted into it by his mother. To me he doesn't need support in going to a funeral he doesn't want to, but needs support to stand against his mother.

Really Lying? What is so horrible about that? Did you miss the bit where the man beat his wife and children?

Am I the only one wondering why needtoask's husband is going to the funeral of a man who was abusive and aggressive to his spouse and children, never mind needtoask herself? I wouldn't just not be attending the funeral myself, I'd be struggling to respect my DH if he were to go either.

The mother has MH issues chipping, so it isnt all that straightforwards by the sounds of it.

Ah good, I'm not. Thank goodness for that, well said Chipping.

I would go to support my husband and not say anything about the deceased.

Go and support your dh and take the opportunity to check the bastards's really dead.

You don't need to mourn.

On the lead up to his death, MIL phoned us to ask us not to call to see them with my older son, DH an I have a 5 month DD and MIL told DH that my other children are not her family and are not welcome in her home, only DD, DH got very upset with her and so did I. So I do not feel part of the family

DH has always had the responsibilities placed on him by his mother and the other children have made the excuses of work, can not get the time off, other important things to do.

Too many sss...

Squeaky - I know she has MH issues :( & so it isn't straight forward, but on the other hand I doubt her MH issues mean she cannot understand the way he feels OR that she doesn't understand what this man was doing.

the OPs husband is going to support his family,
this is not the time to bring up THEIR abuse, it's THEIRS and if they want to "get through" a normal funeral that's their choice.

it would be totally totally out of order for non-victims to make an obvious issue out of something the actual victims may not want to deal with right now! THEY are the ones that matter and people are going for THEM

I would prefer to support my H in standing up to his bullying mother.

But if that isn't going to happen in what I assume is just a few days time, then I would go. Stay for the few minutes of the service and then immediately leave.

I'm with Chipping on this one.

as more comes out about his shitty family and MIL the more it just sounds like he could do with a voice of reason to turn to, I really would go

Funerals can be what you want them to be, IMO

"MIL told DH that my other children are not her family and are not welcome in her home"

I rest my case. You're well away from the lot of them.

needtoask, just you make sure that the poisonous bitch knows that she's not welcome in your home or near your family, and that means all the children.

needtoask - you have posted about her before haven't you :(

Does she actually have a diagnosis or is it simply a family thing to say 'she has MH issues'?

The funeral now is more about the man's victims than himself, Funerals are mainly IMO about the chief mourners, they are the most important people there.

You don't have to do anything phoney, you don't have to say "he will be missed", "thinking of you" to his wife and children is enough

No, ChippingIn, I didn't. What has that to do with the OP's DH or MIL? The uncle cannot be punished, he's dead. The living have to deal with it. OP's husband (blameless) has basically been shoehorned into this by his mother (also blameless) because she perceives it the 'right thing'. She has MH issues and perhaps the 'right thing' is all important - maybe out of all perspective, even, but it's important to her. OP's MIL is important to DH. He will do this for her, because he needs to support his mother. What is difficult to understand about that?

There's no need for any false mourning or platitudes, DH could basically sit there playing games on his phone (on silent) because he's just there for 'show', for his mother. He will have done his duty and given his mother peace of mind, which is probably very, very important to her, particularly as she won't be there as her brother(?) is buried, regardless of how vile he was.

OP, have you met the cousins or your husbands aunt?

monkey, the OP's family (immediate I mean, as clearly they're not all considered to be part of MIL's) need not know why DH and OP aren't attending so they won't need to have the abuse brought up or to deal with it. They only need telling that Mr and Ms needtoask won't be there.

they don't need to be told they were abused! FFS!

They don't need to deal with their life history of abuse on the day of the funeral, they just need to get through the funeral and any probate, healing from their abuse is lifelong and personal not something that has to be brought up on a very public day!

I think I misread, did you leave out a "don't"?