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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be told that 2 under 2s will be absolute hell?

61 replies

DialMforMummy · 13/05/2012 11:06

DS2 arrived last week. DS1 is 20 months. I have received this morning a message from an aunt saying "congrats on the arrival of DC2. It will be real tough to start with but will get easier afterwards."
Since we have announced the pregnancy to people, I have heard (from people I know and even people I don't even bloody know) too many times "Oh my god, 2 under 2s you must be mad, You are going to struggle..." And so on....

AIBU to be fed up to the back teeth with these comments that are neither nice nor helpful? How are they supposed to make me feel?
Congratulate for the pregnancy and the birth but keep your negative thoughts for yourself.

OP posts:
bronze · 13/05/2012 11:08

I don't think your aunts comment was bad. It was encouraging.
Very much this too will pass for all the difficult bits.

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 13/05/2012 11:08

smile and ask them how they intend to help :)

i had 3 under 4 and it was fine :) (and 2 of those were under 2)

TrudiRed · 13/05/2012 11:10

These comments are completely pointless! My dd1 was 22 months when ds arrived so I know how you feel. Bottom line is having another baby is hard work but there are pros and cons whatever the age gap and nothing is ever the shock to the system that having your first baby is so don't worry you'll be fine. There must be a good comeback but I can't think of one!

ragged · 13/05/2012 11:10

Every gap has its own challenges.
Ignore, people will say lots of stupid things. Must grow a very thick skin.
There are big pluses to small age gaps, sharing clothes for a start, hitting similar phases at same time. Shared interests due to developmentally being similar, etc.

Herrena · 13/05/2012 11:11

YANBU!

I'm expecting DS2 when DS1 is 13mo and am slightly dreading it... people have been nice to be fair. They've mostly looked startled and then said 'Ah, they'll be best friends'.

I'm desperately hoping that's true Grin

RandomMess · 13/05/2012 11:11

I had a just 3 year old, near 2 year old and newborn, it was fine just adjusted what we did and when. Walked nearly everywhere as less hassle than in and out of the car!

Meglet · 13/05/2012 11:14

IME it will be hard work, I have the same gap. But better for people to give you a heads up than pretend it will be a doddle. I'm much happier knowing 'worst case scenarios' and being able to plan for them than sticking my head in the sand.

IAmBooyhoo · 13/05/2012 11:14

oh i hate silly thread titles that dont make sense. how could you be being UR to be told something? think about that?

none of those comments said it would be absoloute hell. people give you the benefit of their experience. would you rather they lied and told you it would be a doddle?

CallMeAl · 13/05/2012 11:16

It's true. And anyway its just small talk, if you don't like it, stop talking to people.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 13/05/2012 11:16

There will be times when it will be hell. There will be times when it's wonderful - and "all points between". Just smile and ignore and worry about something vaguely important...

Original poster
DialMforMummy · 13/05/2012 11:19

Point taken about thread title, makes no sense indeed. Whoops!
However, yes I have been told that it will absolute hell by some people.
The thing is, I am not daft enough to think that it will be a walk in the park. So I don't really see the point of make such comments.

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 13/05/2012 11:19

at first it will be hard, remembering when ds was 3 and dd was a newborn.

doing night feeds, then being up at 6 with ds and somehow surviving the day, it was hard.

fast forward 3 years and it's alot better

Olbasoil · 13/05/2012 11:19

Makes no difference, It's hard work whatever the age gap. You just get on with it or get use to it.

Birdsgottafly · 13/05/2012 11:22

I would have rather had it acknowledged that it was hard going, than what my sister and mum did, which was to tell me, whenever i commented on my day, that i had to much time on my hands and needed something tokeep me occupied.

In their opinion because i wasn't at work, i was a lady of leisure.

IAmBooyhoo · 13/05/2012 11:24

without meaning to sound patronising. and i really dont intend that. do you think you might be a bit nervous about what's to come and that has made you a bit over sensitive to what is really normal chit chat?

as in, if i was worried about doing a rock climb and someone said "that one's really high when you're up there" i could sort of see myself snapping at them ad syaing "yes i know it's high thank you very much, im not stupid" but it would be my nervousness that will have caused it because the person will jsut have been giving me a heads up as they have experienced it and maybe it was a shock to them when they got there and looked down.

Original poster
DialMforMummy · 13/05/2012 11:29

I see what you mean IAmB . I don't think it is the case, but I'll have to think about it...
I see it more like saying to a pg woman "jeez it's going to fucking hurt and it might even go wrong". The pg woman knows that and does not need to be reminded IYSWIM.

OP posts:
IAmBooyhoo · 13/05/2012 11:37

i dont think it's like saying it might go wrong. unless tehy said something like, "it will be hell, you could end up not coping and become depressed" which would be wrong in my book, even though it's a possibility but not one you would even think of tbh. i do see your point though about saying it's going to hurt. it's not something i would ever say to a pregnant woman. in fact if ever in that situation i've always said stuff like, "you'll be fine, you'll have all the midwives there and they know what they're doing and your dh will be there" etc etc. i have in the past said "oh that'll be tough" when friends have talked about tehir impending arrivals when they already have small ones. but it was genuinely out of not wanting to lie to them. but thinking about it now. all of them have asked me so it hasn't been me just throwing my opinion out there. it's been sought out iyswim.

IAmBooyhoo · 13/05/2012 11:38

also, i wouldn't jsut say, that'll be hell and leave it hanging there. i would go on to say how i coped and what things were suggested to me at the time.

Original poster
DialMforMummy · 13/05/2012 11:44

I think of people ask you "how is it?" then it's fair enough to say and then as you do, it is more helpful/ positive to give tips.

OP posts:
plantsitter · 13/05/2012 11:47

I have the same age gap as you and I won't lie - I have found it very hard. I know lots of people who have sailed through though. But for me, knowing that it is actually hard and it wasn't just me being crap really, really helped when I was feeling overwhelmed.

Now DD1 is 3 and DD2 is 18mo and they are best mates so it is def. worth it.

Firawla · 13/05/2012 13:13

yanbu if you just don't want to hear negativity from people. i get what you mean like why cant they just say congrats rather than going on & on about how it might be hard. 2 under 2 is not mad, nor is it really hell its quite a normal thing a lot of people have that kind of gap. People saying "you are going to struggle" is actually quite rude - but they probably don't really mean it to be so best thing, just ignore them.
I have similar gaps too, 17 months then 19 months. Some days its hard (more with the 3 of them really than with just the 1st 2) but generally its fine. I really dont think 2 dc with a 20 months gap will be hell at all some people are way too over dramatic

Gentleness · 13/05/2012 13:35

I was in exactly your position and nervously confident we'd get through. It so didn't help to be told it would be tough. When I was able to concentrate enough, I'd try to turn it round by asking what was harder and what great tips the gloom-merchant had. At other times it fed into my nervousness - don't get why people would take so much relish in doing that?

I found this same gleeful gloom when we were getting married. People are just more excited by misery than happiness.

And fwiw having 2 under 2 wasn't half as bad as I feared.

whackamole · 13/05/2012 13:38

AIBU to be fed up with all these 'I am so fed up of x comment?'

YABU. She is making conversation, like every single other person that has a variation of this.

It might be hard work, it might not. Why are you letting an inane comment like that bother you?

Gentleness · 13/05/2012 13:44

Whack - not all conversation is helpful or emotionally intelligent and not everyone can brush off all comments as inane. Clearly they are inane and it would be great if we could all ignore inanity, but as that's unrealistic, surely it isn't too much to expect people to think about the effect of their words on someone potentially vulnerable before they speak.

sunshinehayley · 13/05/2012 13:53

My ds was 16 months when dd was born and it wasn't anywhere near as bad as shocked friend's and family told me it would be. Totally agree that all age gaps have pros and cons. My sil couldn't believe we were only going to have a 16 month gap as she had 22 months between hers bug hey what's six months between friends!? My two who are now just turned three and 20 months get on amazingly and are true partners in crime!