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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

At what age does breastfeeding become weird?

594 replies

TransatlanticCityGirl · 12/05/2012 23:16

My MIL made a comment today about a mother who breastfed her child until she was 5 years old - as in, 'can you believe it???? that's just not right!'

Which got me wondering, where do most people draw the line in terms of how old is too "weird"?

OP posts:
PickledFanjoCat · 14/05/2012 11:28

flightty I just mentioned that to show that my friends toddler has not been "kept a baby" I wasnt being affronted!

I really dont agree with this "keeping them a baby" line of thought. My DS doesnt really like a bottle for comfort, he hurls it all around the room and chases it. Sometimes I am a little grateful its not my breasts getting that treatment!

Nancy66 · 14/05/2012 11:28

I don't agree that it's immaterial - some may get to the point where they want to do them others may need a push.

doormat · 14/05/2012 11:34

flighty it is actively encouraging a child to move on to the next stage of their development....no you cant do it overnight but it is a gradual process, i agree but at 5 yrs old dont you honestly think a child being bf at that age is being not actively encouraged to move on to the next stage....

moajab · 14/05/2012 11:35

Doormat My Ds is 3.4 and is still bf. Do I ever say no to him? Yes, all the time! He's a cheeky, mischievous little thing. I feel you have a view of what a bf pre-schooler must be like and I can assure you my DS does not conform to your view at all. He is a normal, happy little boy. He loves charging round the park, swimming, toy cars, trikes, construction and cbeebies. He is also very independant and makes new achievements all the time. He is in no way being kept a baby. But children, all children need to feel secure and how they get that feeling varies. For my DS one way at the end of a busy day, charging around doing all those exciting toddler things, is to snuggle up with mummy and have a feed. This feeling of security enables him to have the confidence to try new things and make new discoveries and achievements. I'm sorry Doormat. I try to respect peoples views and I can understand why you don't wish to do this, but I really can't understand why you have such a problem with this for other people.

PeggyCarter · 14/05/2012 11:38

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Flightty · 14/05/2012 11:39

Pickled, I know, I just thought, Oops, I have not covered all my bases here, and could be misunderstood!

Nancy, yes, depending on the family circumstances and how necessary these transitions are within a limited time, a push may be needed. That's Ok. I'm currently transitioning DS2 out of OUR bed and into HIS (via the old cot, bizarrely Smile) before the next baby arrives.

I'm doing it gently though. More carrot than stick. Only because we have to really or we will not have any room.

Doormat, no, I don't agree with that. I don't think it's really indicative of anything much. There could be all sorts of things going on within the dynamic that are encouraging the child directly to be more grown up, as well as others that encourage it indirectly.

It seems you don't have a clue what I am talking about in terms of the (for want of a better description) reverse psychology of attachment.

The surest way to make a child abnormally an inappropriately attached to its parents is to refuse to provide the comfort and nurturing it requires as an infant and small child.

THAT is your danger point
not being over generous in terms of parental care

tiktok · 14/05/2012 11:45

I think it would be difficult, but not impossible, to try to fight against the normal development of independence of toddlers and kids. You might do it by (for example) never permitting them to do anything on their own - climb on a slide, jump off a wall, ride a trike - without flapping about and insisting on holding their hands all the time (good luck with resisting 'me do it!!!' shouted at top volume :) ) .

You might also try to do it by pureeing food and putting it in a feeding bottle - which an aunt of mine did with my cousin up to when he was about six - soups, stews, shepherds pie, spag bol, all went into the bottle with the end of the teat cut off, and instead of sitting at the table he'd sit on the floor or run round and swig from it.....glug glug glug :). This cousin grew up pretty normally, as it happens, despite not using a knife and fork until he went to school.

You might try to do it by always complaining at the nursery about rough and tumble play which you think your kid should be protected from. Or by putting him in woolly baby booties and bonnets when he's aged three.

I don't see how you would do it by continuing the breastfeeding relationship if you both find it is a warm and loving part of your relationship (the way pureed shepherds pie in a bottle swigged as you sit on the floor just isn't, and the way stopping them climbing a wall just isn't......).

PeggyCarter · 14/05/2012 11:45

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hackmum · 14/05/2012 11:46

Couldn't face reading all 15 pages, but am still busy chuckling over the idea that breastfeeding stops children developing their own immune systems.

Someone should start a topic on bizarre anti-breastfeeding myths. Last week the Guardian did a piece on the Time cover, and someone commented that they knew someone who had only given their child breastmilk and water to drink to the age of 3 and all their teeth had gone rotten and had to be pulled out.

PeggyCarter · 14/05/2012 11:47

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PickledFanjoCat · 14/05/2012 11:48

Good grief tiktok shepherds pie in a bottle? Thats a whole new discussion.

Shagmundfreud · 14/05/2012 11:51

"shagmund i have never stated that milk from another species is superior to bf..."

"...fortunately we have moved on since then where we have better nutritional choices than cavemen meat on a spit"

So we no longer have access to game, berries and fish (unless we're minted) but we have ready access to cows milk, formula, white bread and sugar? Oh, and factory farmed meat? And vegetables flown thousands of miles across the world? Hmm

What exactly did you mean? Do you really think modern man's diet is better and more complete than the diet of a successful hunter gatherer in the paleolithic period?

"i have also accepted that my children have to become independant little beings and learn to develop that independence by being potty trained, weaned, walk using reins wherever possible"

Sorry - I can't see where stopping breastfeeding before they're ready to comes into this. I think the problem is that you see breastfeeding as = being a baby, therefore if a child is being breastfed they are somehow developmentally arrested in some important way. There is no evidence that long term breastfeeding (or natural term breastfeeding if we're going to look at it in terms of terms of normal patterns of behaviour across human history) is linked with arrested social development. Actually if we're going to go by what little evidence we have, it actually points in the other direction: that children who are breastfed for longer have better mental health in later childhood and adolescence than children who are weaned before 6 months. They are also less likely to engage in anti-social behaviour according to this study:

(note: "For each additional month of breastfeeding, the behaviour score improved. This remained valid after adjustment for socio-economic, social and other factors impacting on parenting."

here

A new study from Perth?s Telethon Institute for Child Health Research has shown that children who are breastfed for longer than six months have a lower risk of mental health problems as they enter their teen years.

The research, led by Associate Professor Wendy Oddy, will be published in the next edition of The Journal of Pediatrics.
Dr Oddy said breastfeeding for a longer duration appears to have significant benefits for the mental health of the child into adolescence.

"There has been much evidence about the benefits of early breastfeeding, but the importance of this study is that it shows continued benefits from extended feeding,? Dr Oddy said.

?Given the rising prevalence of mental health problems, interventions to assist mothers to breastfeed, and to breastfeed for longer, could be of long term benefit to the community.

?As with any of these types of studies, it should be stressed that the findings do not mean that individual children that weren?t breastfed will have mental health problems, it?s about lowering the risk at a population level."

The research team analysed data from more than 2000 children involved in Western Australia?s Raine Study. Just over half were breastfed for six months or longer, 38% percent were breastfed for less than six months, eleven percent were not breastfed.

The participants underwent a mental health assessment when they were 2, 5, 8, 10, and 14 years old.

At each of the assessments, the researcher team found a link between breastfeeding duration and behaviour. For each additional month of breastfeeding, the behaviour score improved. This remained valid after adjustment for socio-economic, social and other factors impacting on parenting.
Dr Oddy said breastfeeding could help babies cope better with stress.

?There are a number of ways extended breastfeeding could assist child development. We know that breast milk is packed full of nutrients that help with the rapid brain development that occurs in the early years. It might also signal a strong mother-child attachment and these benefits may last.?

doormat · 14/05/2012 11:52

flighty your comment "THAT is your danger point not being over generous in terms of parental care "

you accuse me of being rude...how can you say something like that....i have always been over generous with my parental care....my children have all left home and got their own families except ds6...we phone or skype everyday telling eachother how much we love eachother....

just because i have taught them to be independant doesnt make me out to be a bad mother.....

doormat · 14/05/2012 11:56

shagmund at 5 yrs old.....

entropygirl · 14/05/2012 11:58

What I don't get about this thread is the comparisons to other activities in terms of 'keeping children as babies'.

There are many different ways in which babies develop into adults and they all have their own time frame.

eg.

  1. getting kids out of prams
developmental indicator: coordination and muscle tone to sit up and hold head up Natural time frame: 3-6 months Weird if not done: around 8 months?
  1. getting kids out of nappies
developmental indicator:have muscles, hormone production and coordination to control bladder/bowel Natural time frame:18-36 months Weird if not done: around 4 years?
  1. moving from a bottle to cup
developmental indicator: coordination of hand, eye, swallowing and concentration span Natural time frame: 9-24 months Weird if not done: around 3 years?
  1. giving up BF
developmental indicator: losing milk teeth Natural time frame: 6-8 years Weird if not done: around 8 years?

So are we babying our children to keep them in nappies past the pram weird point? No!
Are we baby our children to keep BFing them past the bottle weird stage? No!

PeggyCarter · 14/05/2012 12:01

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Shagmundfreud · 14/05/2012 12:02

tiktok - I've spent years of my life living in developing countries where the breastfeeding of young children well past infancy is normal and unremarkable.

And the one thing which jumps out at you about these cultures is how incredibly independent small children often are there compared to children in the UK.

TBH I find these debates about extended breastfeeding that whip up a storm in the UK press every now and again quite shaming when I try and look at them from the perspective of people from less privileged cultures who grow up taking this type of breastfeeding for granted. Our obsession with the 'decency' or 'indecency' of breastfeeding, while at the same time being tolerant of an incredibly sexualised culture. Our fixation with tiny children being 'independent' while we obsess over child safety to the point that many children's experience of childhood has been compromised by their parents unwillingness to let them out of their sight for fear that they'll be snatched or sexually abused. It's just.... horrible. And depressing. Sad Makes me feel that as a culture we're very messed up.

PeggyCarter · 14/05/2012 12:04

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doormat · 14/05/2012 12:12

joyful..sorry but that comment

"THAT is your danger point not being over generous in terms of parental care "

was aimed at me

entropygirl · 14/05/2012 12:13

thanks Blush - I am sure someone will shred it by pointing out I have some of the numbers wrong...but there is just no reason to think that all things done by babies have a 6 month or even 3 year sell by date....I still like a good cry once in a while even now!

Flightty · 14/05/2012 12:15

No, Joyful is exactly right, it is a turn of phrase and how could it possibly be aimed at your individual parenting - I have no idea who you are or how you parent - I am talking generally.

tiktok · 14/05/2012 12:17

Shagmund, I agree. Monglian children (see link) ride horses competently and fast (and indeoendently) from toddler age and enjoy continued breastfeeding :)

Flightty · 14/05/2012 12:17

And I didn't accuse you of being rude. Are you actually reading the thread? I am beginning to wonder if you haven't a parallel one going on in your own head which none of us has contributed to!

(Thanks, Joyful)

tiktok · 14/05/2012 12:18

er....ponies rather than horses for toddlers, prob :)

PickledFanjoCat · 14/05/2012 12:18

This country is OBSESSED with making children grow up fast. I think I would be praised by my HV if I set him up on his own in a flat and just lobbed in a pint of milk everyday.

Ive decided to enjoy him when he is young, and trust my instincts.

I saw a newborn the other day in town in a pram with baby books spread all around it, people feel under pressure to make sure that the babies achieve X by this or that date.

Ive taken to say he will do X when he is good and ready.