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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I've been an idiot, wedding related.

51 replies

weddingwoes · 12/05/2012 09:42

I got engaged last xmas , like an idiot I got really excited quickly and told people within days who I wanted for bridesmaids etc some of the people I just asked because I knew them from school and at the time I thought it would be nice.
But looking at the numbers its just too many there are some girls there who don't really speak to me and dont make as much effort as I do. plus when I have my sister as a BM and my niece as a flowergirl plus 6 bridesmaids its quite alot.
booking the venue we are going to have to trim the guestlist to the night do, I know I have to give some people this news its not something thats ever going to be 'nice news' arrgggh.

AIBU to send them an email to tell them I may have to add them the the night party guestlist and that I'm really sorry for being a giddy idiot.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 12/05/2012 09:45

Well if they are girls who dont really speak to you, for a start I have no idea why you would ask them to be bridesmaids in the first place, and it is no loss if they dont talk to you much anyway..

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/05/2012 09:45

YABU to e-mail. Pick up the phone and let people down in person. It's much better form.

Jajas · 12/05/2012 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redexpat · 12/05/2012 09:47

What cognito said. And offer them another role. Reading? Usher? Witness?

Original poster
weddingwoes · 12/05/2012 09:47

true phone or letter perhaps? I think the phone would be more awkward.
they were good mates at school but we kinds drifted.

it was silly I just got caught up.

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheCorner · 12/05/2012 09:47

Phone them and say sorry.....just explain like you did here. An email isn't the thing....too impersonal.

Kayano · 12/05/2012 09:48

Emailing is cold

Phone or meet them for a coffee

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/05/2012 09:49

You can't avoid it being awkward. How did you ask them to be bridesmaids in the first place? If it was something trivial like a FB message you might find they didn't take you seriously. If you asked them in person, they'll think you mean it.

ToryLovell · 12/05/2012 09:51

what kayano said

SilentBoob · 12/05/2012 09:54

So you're downgrading them from Bridesmaid to evening do only? Cringe.

Could you make it so that you're downsizing the whole wedding rather than un-bridesmaiding them personally?

"Dear friends, in all my excitement I hadn't realised quite how tiny the venue is and we have had to completely alter our plans..." sort of thing?

TheFallenMadonna · 12/05/2012 09:55

You're bumping them all the way from bridesmaid to evening invitation only?

TheFallenMadonna · 12/05/2012 09:55

X post with silent boob.

Bue · 12/05/2012 09:55

You've made bridal mistake number one!

You need to let them know gently (I don't think email is terribly bad but I conduct my life over email). If you think it will be a sore spot with any of them (it IS pretty crappy to ask people to be BMs and then recant) I would tell them you've had to reconsider due to guest numbers / change in circumstances / whatever and tell them you've decided to just have your sister and your little niece, and no friends at all. It's meaner to keep some of the friends and not others.

crazyspaniel · 12/05/2012 09:56

Emailing would be extremely rude and compound the faux pas you have already made. You need to tell them in person. Unless you do actually want to bin them off for good.

Bue · 12/05/2012 09:57

Oh wow... just saw the bit about demoting them to evening guests. And you asked these people to be bridesmaids???

Original poster
weddingwoes · 12/05/2012 10:01

Bue thats not very helpful, It is also largely to do with numbers.

I did tell them via email to begin with as they live all over.

dunno if that makes it any different.

OP posts:
Original poster
weddingwoes · 12/05/2012 10:01

Silent Boob thats the sort of thing I'm hoping to go for.

OP posts:
Original poster
weddingwoes · 12/05/2012 10:12

Sorry not Bue ,

I'm just pissed off at myself ,

OP posts:
sausagesandmarmelade · 12/05/2012 10:22

Don't do it by email (whatever you do).

I would just be honest with them....tell them you acted in haste and as much as you would love to have lots of bridesmaids you realise now that it's just not possible. Tell them you feel like a complete idiot! :)

Do it now rather than later on...the longer you leave it the more awkward it becomes.

I had 3 bridesmaids (and 2 pages)...and it was blooming expensive!

Proudnscary · 12/05/2012 10:23

You are assuming they are all going to be devastated...

Maybe it's just me - but I'd be bloody relieved to be told I'm not going to be a bridesmaid.

I don't get all the political/hierarchy/kudos stuff about being asked to be a BM and never had the desire to be in the spotlight. Much rather wear what I like and get pissed without having to be on duty all day!

Yes you were a bit silly to go inviting them all but that's done now. Take the bull by the horns, pick up the phone and get it over with - don't be OTT with apologising and blithering about all your arrangements and numbers etc. Keep it simple. If you're not close to them it's not the end of the world if one is pissed off - you can't keep all the people happy all the time - especially when it comes to weddings!

sausagesandmarmelade · 12/05/2012 10:25

As for inviting some guests to the evening do only.....do this very carefully.

I would personally not exclude family and close friends from the ceremony. Invite others distant friends/colleagues etc to the evening do. They really SHOULD understand....and lots of people do this.

They will respect your honestly.....they won't like it if you make up some story and insult their intelligence!

Original poster
weddingwoes · 12/05/2012 10:25

Thanks for all the advice.

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 12/05/2012 10:27

Hmm ok they are now evening guests...yes I missed that bit too...you really have been a bit of an eejit OP! Still stand by my post above re bridesmaids, but I'd be Hmm Shock to be demoted to evening guest - I wouldn't go at all if it was me.

EnjoyResponsibly · 12/05/2012 10:35

Oh deary me.

I think what you need to do is what Silentboob suggested, and do it fast like pulling off a plaster. Chances are though by the time you've rung Ex-BM No.6 there's a good chance the other 5 will have hit the phone.

Chin up, it's not like you're still including some and not others then they would be Shock

PickledFanjoCat · 12/05/2012 10:40

If you explain you wanted them but since booking the venue it's a lot smaller than you had realised so your having to rethink your plans it's not so bad. It's not personal it's just than the venue is a lot smaller than you envisaged getting?