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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I've been an idiot, wedding related.

51 replies

weddingwoes · 12/05/2012 09:42

I got engaged last xmas , like an idiot I got really excited quickly and told people within days who I wanted for bridesmaids etc some of the people I just asked because I knew them from school and at the time I thought it would be nice.
But looking at the numbers its just too many there are some girls there who don't really speak to me and dont make as much effort as I do. plus when I have my sister as a BM and my niece as a flowergirl plus 6 bridesmaids its quite alot.
booking the venue we are going to have to trim the guestlist to the night do, I know I have to give some people this news its not something thats ever going to be 'nice news' arrgggh.

AIBU to send them an email to tell them I may have to add them the the night party guestlist and that I'm really sorry for being a giddy idiot.

OP posts:

DPrince · 12/05/2012 10:41

Can I ask how old you are? I am confused that you have kept in touch with these people since school but drifted apart to the point you don't speak in 6 months?

Ithinkitsjustme · 12/05/2012 10:54

I went to a wedding recently where there were loads of bridesmaids but not in the conventional sense. They basically just walked in the wedding party down the aisle, sat with their partners in the ceremony (albeit at the front) and at the wedding breakfast. They wore their own clothes, I think they had a colour theme but that was it. If you could squeeze them in then you could do something like that. I wouldn't let them down with an email - unless you really don't want to see them again

maybenow · 12/05/2012 11:07

demoting people from bridesmaid to evening-only is pretty strange.. surely if you were thinking of them for bridesmaids six months ago you'd still want them there all day?
In fact, i think you can't demote the ex-bridesmaids to evening only. I think you have to have them there all day and have some other people evening-only. Sorry.

Ithinkitsjustme · 12/05/2012 11:23

We didn't have an evening do at all, we had a few extra people during the day and then went out for a meal with a few friends who had travelled long distances that we don't see a lot.

SpottedGurnard · 12/05/2012 12:12

I just don't understand this idea of having loads of bridesmaids... I have said that for my wedding it will only be little girls who are close family ( there are none at the moment but who knows, my brother may suprise me in a few years ). I can remember being at my cousins wedding aged 8 and how special it felt.

I have faaar too many female cousins ranging from my age to 14. It would be cruel to just choose a few so I choose none!

savoycabbage · 12/05/2012 12:17

I was going to say don't have an evening part at all. It's better to say 'we are having a tiny wedding with only our family and the closest of close friends' than invite them to the evening part.

thisisyesterday · 12/05/2012 12:25

i wouldn't lie about venue or anything

if you say "oh the venue is really tiny" or "we're only having family" as a way to get out of it they will eventually see photos and find out it was a lie

be truthful.
i would jsut say "i got over-excited and now it's all becoming a reality I've realised that we do not have the budget/space for my original plans. I'm very sorry that I can only have x number of bridesmaids, and we would dearly love to have you along to the evening reception"

or something along those lines.

thisisyesterday · 12/05/2012 12:26

OR, do you have one friend who is in contact with the others who you are a bit closer to?

coudl you confide in her about what has happened and how bad you feel and see if she could sound the others out before you break it to them? you might find that some are not keen on being bridesmaids anyway?

MerylStrop · 12/05/2012 12:32

if they are chucked as bridesmaids and then evening only it will be friendship terminated

i'd just say you've changed the plans about bridesmaids and just have a little flower girl and refer to your sister as witness.

they will probably be glad not to have to wear a meringue but i think i would see where else i could squeeze the daytime guestlist. Ditch all the plus ones for eg

PickledFanjoCat · 12/05/2012 12:46

She has got a small venue though hasnt she? That's why the are getting bumped? If you haven't no you can't fib about it.

redwineformethanks · 12/05/2012 13:05

My cousin had about six of her friends as bridesmaids. It was very nicely done. They wore simple, fairly standard dresses from Debenhams, costing about £35 each. They sorted their own hair, shoes etc. The dresses themselves were fairly ordinary, but they did look smart when the girls all stood together for a few photos. They sat with their own families throughout the ceremony and the meal. They didn't have a big part to play in the wedding, but it was a nice way of drawing attention to them, because my cousin wanted the rest of us to know that these were her closest friends

If you wish to keep these people as bridesmaids, this might be a suitable compromise. I'm normally pretty easy-going, but I will admit that I would be hurt and upset to be downgraded from bridesmaid to evening guest only. I would feel even worse if I thought other people were still acting as bridesmaids

empirestateofmind · 12/05/2012 13:20

Is there any way you can talk this through with your mother and could get her to be the one who is insisting on just a couple of bridesmaids due to the cost?

That might be a more gentle way of letting your old friends down. Blame your mother. But only if she is happy about this obviously.

Proudnscary · 12/05/2012 13:32

Empire - my mum would tell me to fuck off! I don't think that's the way forward and could actually get nasty/messy if she knows them or their parents etc etc.

Actually I think you simply have to find a way to invite them to the whole thing or write off the friendships.

I am not easily offended and totally understand all the contraints of a wedding but honestly from bridesmaid to evening guest? I would sack the whole thing off.

NenNen · 12/05/2012 13:35

Ask them to pay for their dresses. Sure fire way to get drop outs!

MerylStrop · 12/05/2012 13:41

or actually, say you are making the whole thing a little less formal (it's always nicer anyway). Say they can wear whatever they like or agree a colour) and get them a corsage or something. Not official bridesmaids but a retinue

I'd ditch a couple of long lost rellies or as mentioned before don't have any plus ones

picnicbasketcase · 12/05/2012 13:43

If I had email from an old school friend asking me to be their bridesmaid, but then heard nothing else for weeks/months and I didn't care enought about the person to contact them about it either, I would assume they were drunk or just overexcited when they emailed. It doesn't sound like a close enough relationship for the request to have meant anything in the first place.

I think thisisyesterday's message is polite and says everything you need to say. You got caught up in the moment and now reality is hitting you. If they can't accept that and choose to be offended and ignore you from now on, then what have you really lost, since by your own admission, these are not people you have anything to do with now anyway?

thisisyesterday · 12/05/2012 14:26

but having a small venue doesn't prevent them from being bridesmaids does it?

having re-read the OP i am not sure what the exact issue is actually.

is it the cost of having 6 bridesmaids to kit out?
is it because you think having so many will look silly?
because there isn't enough space in the church/wherever for them all to sit?

you said "we are going to have to trim the guestlist to the night do"
but that doesn't explain why you don't want them to be bridesmaids and still have them to the evening do?

from a personal stand-point, if i were getting married and was limited on numbers I would rather have friends there than distant relatives that I hadn't seen for yonks and never spoke to.
clearly you prioritise however you need to, but if the issue is numbers for the evneing I am not sure how de-bridesmaiding these people will help?

i think it's odd to ban people from a ceremony but have them to the evening, that's a bit weird isn't it?

girlywhirly · 12/05/2012 14:31

Don't assume that every guest you invite will want to, or be able to attend; so that will automatically reduce numbers.

Hopefullyrecovering · 12/05/2012 14:37

I didn't go to a wedding once (invited as guest) as it clashed with something else I'd already agreed to do. The bride and groom didn't speak to me for 10 years after that! In fact, only after they'd got divorced.

I imagine a demotion from bridesmaid to evening-do only will mean that they never speak to you again ... Which is fine, of course, if that's what you want.

HTH

LondonNadiy · 12/05/2012 15:16

I did the exact same thing when I got engaged. I started off with 9 b'maids, then cut it to 7 (but I actually WANT the 7 I have), with the 2 other ones, my best friends from secondary school, who I'm o longer that close to, I chickened out, I never mentioned it and just talked about how expensive everything was. I then invited them to the ceremony and wedding as guests. They weren't offended, at lest not openly, as the request had been a casual one, and I don't think they were actually expecting an invite to the ceremony etc., I think they were only expecting reception.

TBH, think about whether they'd ask you to be bridesmaids at their weddings? Would you be offended if they didn't? Just explain that its all too expensive and too big, they'd probably mind a lot more if you kept them in, didn't speak to them and made them pay for the dresses.

With regards to the ceremony/meal/evening, how would you feel if it was on the other foot? Is the cost of a few more meals worth more that their friendship to you? Not that you'd lose it, that not what I'm saying, but it is bit of a measure of a friendship.

If they are going to get snippy about it, really, they are old friends from school that you are not very close to and weddings are BLOODY expensive and stressful as it is. Call them rather than email or face to face, be apologetic but firm and clear, and then forget about it.

Tangointhenight · 12/05/2012 15:24

I wouldn't even bother to email them, they will realise when the wedding invites don't arrive!

cwtch4967 · 12/05/2012 18:59

This MUST be done in person or on the phone, any other way is a cop out and really going to cause offence.

splashymcsplash · 12/05/2012 23:27

OP why are you doing this? It is extremely poor form to ask people to be bridesmaids then pull out, without very good reason.

Unless there is a very good reason that you aren't telling us about?

Emailing would be extremely rude.

Waterweight · 11/07/2025 04:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

BMW6 · 11/07/2025 04:33

Waterweight

Why the fuck have you resurrected a thread from 2012 ..........????????

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