For thinking this women is mean and causing so much upset for DS (7) - Do I speak to the school

[ilovehugs]

DS is 7. He has had the same bunch of friends all the way through primairy school and is releuctant to make any others. I felt I also had good relationships with the mums. There has aways been play dates, exchange of party invites etc etc.
Last term DS fell out with one of them. i think it was his fault. He was playing a bit too rough. His friends spent the next few weeks running away from him at play time, keaving him to roam around feeling very lonely. Whenever he told teachers, the boys said it was because he was naughty and they didn't want to play with him. One lunch time I cam by and saw DS in tears, alone. I went in spoke to the teacher and it was all sorted out. In the mean time one of the Mums refused an invite for a playdate (I arranged in the hope that DS would sort things out). She also said that her son couldn't come to DS's party. As the two boys were playing well at school (I checked) I was gutted for DS, who was really upset. I asked her why and she said that it would by hypocritaical to accept the party invite. A few weeks later DS wasn't invited to this boys small party where all his other friends were. I hoped it would blow over. But now DS is coming home having been told by the group that they can't invite him to their parties, because this boys mum wont let DS and her boy be at parties together. I feel she has sent out a message to this group of little boys and I don;t know what to do. If they exclude him from parties because of this it is going to be so painful for DS. He's just been in tears at bedtime talking about it. What should I do??!!!

Sorry didn't check before posting shame

Either she is over-reacting big time or your DS has done something more dramatic than "playing a bit too rough". What did the teacher say when you spoke to her?

If there are things going on at school the teacher obviously needs to be involved. I don't see that the teacher needs to be involved in who's invited to parties outside school though.

I spoke to the teacher about this. She said as far as she was aware nothing had happened.

It's more than likely the teacher knows nothing about all this and the boys are fine at school. I'd speak to the mother and find out what she meant by being hypocritical. Did you not ask what she was insinuating at the time?

I agree with the previous poster who said that either something else has gone on or the mother is overreacting.

Well if the teacher doesn't know, you're going to have to ask the other boy's mother exactly what happened. If it was something minor then it seems odd that all the other boys' mothers have sided with her. Are you sure your DS doesn't have a reputation for being rough or a bully? If he does, you need to know now so you can help him to change his behaviour while he is still so young.

OTOH, the other mother might be a nutter who is over-reacting but you need to find out what really happened before you can decide.

Awww how sad

Can you speak to some of the other mums about it? And work on friendships outside school eg footie, beavers. Ds2 has some flakey school friends and doesn't get more than one, maybe two, party invites, but he has good friends outside school

Also I'd be tempted to throw a few amazing days out for ds and a few of his school friends but not the other little boy, so he is the cooler friend. That's a bit childish though

I think the other mother has probably interpreted the rough playing as bullying. Who knows if her child was crying at bedtime about it.

I also think you should talk to her and find out.

Bloody parties. What's wrong with a load of little boys knocking around having fun together??!!

You say that the other mother told you 'it would be hypocritical' to accept a play date invite to your DS. Did you ask her why? You need to find out to the best of your ability what exactly happened and if that involves going directly to other mothers, so be it.

Your poor little lad

It's so horrible when shit likes this happens, you just want protect them from it all.

Could the other mum have just heard one thing and be trying to do the same for her DS though?

I don't want to make excuses for her because she shouldn't be excluding your DS on word of mouth and should at least have the guts to talk to you about him, but it could be a reason.

I spoke to the mum and she said that her son had said that DS had been 'playing rough' at lunch time. He's got this far in school having great friendships with those boys. Last year the mother even made a load of play dates with DS because another boy was 'playing rough' at playtimes and picking on her son and she thought my DS was 'lovely. The year before she text me desperate to know that if DS was going to be in his class because he would be upset if he wasn't. This is why I am really shocked by it all. I know if anyone is going to be biased it's me but I don't think DS is being a bully.

Also, I don't know if the other mothers have sided with her yet. I'm only going on what DS told me at bedtime. I think there is a month or so to go.

mercibucket - top tips there. Will try and do that. x x

Of course you don't think DS is a bully. But one man's freedom fighter is another man's terrorist. I am being facetious but my point is that she said, "playing rough" but she may mean "bullying". It may be that you have to use that word. Could you say to her something like, "I don't understand why you have stopped DS playing with your DS because of some rough play. Do you think DS bullied your DS?"

She sounds like she might have some PFB issues.

AgentZigzag - I think she is just going on what her DS said. She's always been very protective of him. I don't know why she stopped them going to each others parties after it had been resolved. I'm sure she has a different spin on it to me though. We got over the upset at the time pretty well. I'm just gutted about the repercussions it seems to be causing him.

Your poor son!:( could you speak to one of the other mothers and gauge what's going on from that?

MrsTerryPratchett - should I/ shouldn't I talk to her do you think?

If she's done it with other lads as well that points to her perhaps being a bit over involved in her DSs friendships.

Other people might know this is the case with her too and not take any notice of her judgement on your DS?

Is her 7 YO her eldest? If he is, it can take time to learn by experience that a) you don't get all the story from your DCs and should find out the whole story before making up your mind about anything, and b) that some rough and tumble can be normal and not something to stop a friendship you've previously been happy with.

Do you know the mum of the other lad she was funny with? Could you approach her and fix up for her DS to come round to play? as an ultimate tactic to finding a friendly ear of someone in a similar situation as yours, and to reassure yourself it's this other mum who's the problem and not your DS when the subject inevitably comes up

It sounds like this woman is far too involved in her Sons friendship group. This is awful for your Son. It seems that he is being almost bullied by this mother. She is making it clear to other mums that she wants him excluded, and that is just not on.

If I were you, I'd be having words with her, before your child is upset anymore.

DS much happier this morning.

I do think that this lady is too involved in her DS (eldest & only son by the way Agentzigzag). She arranged this video night with a carefully selected bunch of friends last year when her DS was having a hard time in the playground to help his friendships. I lent her the blimmin DVDS! Didn't think much about it at the time, but it shows a pattern of behaviour.

Intentional or not she has sent out a message to their friendship group and potentially the other mums that it OK to exclude DS and it infers a bad thing about him. It is effecting his friendships.

I feel so angry, I really want to have it out with this women but I'm worried it will just make things worse. Maybe I should arrange a Pizza/DVD night with him and his pals (like she did last year) and if she refuses the invite I'll speak to her.

I'm going to speak to the school on Monday and say DS needs some support at lunchtimes. I'm also going to make more effort to arrange some nice stuff for DS to do with some of his other friends from outside school.

I hate all this so much and I'm so bloody cross though!!!!!!

I find it interesting that on another thread that is running here currently where a woman has said that she has told her DS not to play with a bully, people are jumping on her left, right and centre telling her not to tell her son that and that adults shouldn't turn it round so that the bully gets bullied by them. Yet this thread is the same, but in reverse and no one has picked up on how digusting it is that these grown women are taking notice of this woman about parties and are effectively ganging up on your son! The general consensus on this thread seems to be 'Well what has your son done wrong to make them be like this?' Nothing would make me want to invite a child to a party more than another mother saying 'Well MY son won't be able to come if you invite X'. X would be invited as quick as a flash I can tell you! We are talking about a 7 year old child here that is being ostracised from parties because of gossip!

I think these mothers sound like a group of sheep, OP. We had similar when my DD1 was bullied at around your DS's age. A couple of mums said to me they hadnt invited DD to their childrens' parties as some of the other guests didn't like her and they had to go with the majority. Nice.

I would encourage your son to find a nicer group of friends, a group of friends with nicer mothers that don't gang up together and exclude him. Clearly they have never left the bloody playground themselves!

I would be cross, if your son was being rough and she felt bullying her son, to then turn around and encourage excluding and bullying your son is ridiculous.

I would arrange a meeting with the school and explain how upset your DS is and can they have a chat with the children about how unkind it is to exclude some children.

It amazes me how some parents can justify their actions when small childen are involved.

Thanks all so much for your comments.

DS had had a lovely weekend. Hasn't talked about it again.

I've thought long and hard. I still keep feeling upset and angry when I think about.

I wrote a letter to the Mum - which I've decided I wont send. It was therapeutic though.

I'm hoping that I'll have to guts to and wondering if I should...

...ask this Mum of her son wants to come over for tea (he has in the past) 'now that they seem to be happy again with each other'. If she says no I will ask why. I'll try and deal with what she says. I will tell her that boys in the school have been telling DS about not being able to go to their parties and see what she says. I dare say, she will deny everything or accuse DS of some terrible behaviour (which no-one else ever seems to witness.)

dreading tomorrow - which goes to show that I have crap coping stratagies. My main focus needs to be teaching him good ones perhaps.

Bloody parties and nasty people. Grrrrr!

It's not that you've got crap coping strategies, it's just there are some things you have to say that are always going to be awkward saying. There aren't many people who like confrontation - although I think MN has more than its fair share of them

What you said sounds a good way of going about it, hopefully she'll tell you the reason or give a reasonable explanation of how things have been twisted and you'll hear no more about it.

Let us know how you get on