For thinking this women is mean and causing so much upset for DS (7) - Do I speak to the school

[ilovehugs]

DS is 7. He has had the same bunch of friends all the way through primairy school and is releuctant to make any others. I felt I also had good relationships with the mums. There has aways been play dates, exchange of party invites etc etc.
Last term DS fell out with one of them. i think it was his fault. He was playing a bit too rough. His friends spent the next few weeks running away from him at play time, keaving him to roam around feeling very lonely. Whenever he told teachers, the boys said it was because he was naughty and they didn't want to play with him. One lunch time I cam by and saw DS in tears, alone. I went in spoke to the teacher and it was all sorted out. In the mean time one of the Mums refused an invite for a playdate (I arranged in the hope that DS would sort things out). She also said that her son couldn't come to DS's party. As the two boys were playing well at school (I checked) I was gutted for DS, who was really upset. I asked her why and she said that it would by hypocritaical to accept the party invite. A few weeks later DS wasn't invited to this boys small party where all his other friends were. I hoped it would blow over. But now DS is coming home having been told by the group that they can't invite him to their parties, because this boys mum wont let DS and her boy be at parties together. I feel she has sent out a message to this group of little boys and I don;t know what to do. If they exclude him from parties because of this it is going to be so painful for DS. He's just been in tears at bedtime talking about it. What should I do??!!!

I've read posters on here saying they think people should talk things over face to face rather than text, but I'd much rather have a certain amount of control about deciding what/how to say something. Conversation just goes so quickly and can easily go in directions you'd prefer it not to.

I think you're right to just leave the ball in her court.

Please don't feel crap about it, you're definitely not pathetic!

There could be a thousand reasons why she's not replied, I'm not very good at replying quickly for no reason at all

You haven't done anything, and there's nothing wrong with being defensive when it comes to your children - that's how it should be

You are very brave and obviously love your sin very much.
The kids will be friends despite this silly wqomen and her she tries more and more to control her son's life they will notice and he, poor boy, will be excluded.
You are fab x

Your SON.....sorry

look don't give up on it, she may reply
I had a friend who used to look after ds occasionally, he was friend with her ds and she had invited him to birthday party
row between them, my ds called her ds an 'idiot' and his invitation was cancelled by text the day before the party
I think she overeacted, ds was upset (and I was livid at the time)
we have remained friends, it turned out her younger son had just had a SEN diagnosis and there was loads of stress in her life
it wasn't a bad lesson for ds that hurtful words have consequences, he got over it
Hope things work out, I think you've done all you can, keep speaking to the other mums and these things usually calm down in time

I had something similarish going on a year ago - not quite the same but in the way that one of his friends mother took against my lad, and tried to see him socially excluded from things.
I can't be bothered to go into why this all came about as it is so drawn out and boring...you'll just have to trust me when I say that ds did nothing out of the ordinary, and certainly nothing her delicate, precious little son wasn't doing as well....it was to do with swear words.
She decided ds was a bad 'un and put it around a bit. I stewed over it.

Anyway, as luck would have it, it all happened just before the summer break up last year, and the two boys ended up in different composite classes after the summer....so ds now happily plays with other less sneaky boys. Her plan fell flat.

I did want to have it out with her though!!!

Thanks so much for your posts. Made me feel much better. Is certainly a learning experience.

I think she probably does feel her son has been bullied. Whether or not she is correct, we cannot know, but thinking their child has been bullied does bring out the lioness in people. I don't think someone would be unreasonable to not accept a playdate or invite to a party in that situation, but to make it known to other mums that their child will not attend any parties that your son is invited to is horrible and unreasonable.

That's true. If DS didn't want a long standing friend to come to a party/play date and said that he was scared of him and he hurt him then it would be a tough one. It would be hard to force it. My bug bare is that they had made friends. He boy even said he wanted to go to the party. He asked me at pick up tim. DS was begging me to talk to the mum because his friend had said he could come to the party but she wouldn't let him. He cried all the way home :( :( But...he learned from it and got over it. It's the thought of it coming back to haunt him which upsets me because i think he's been through enough hurt. He admitted he hadn't 'played nicely' and apologised to the whole group. That was big of him and he also had to accept that little things can have big consequences. That's a fair bit for a 7 year old. Hence the emphasis on 'moving on'. I can actually see the mothers point of view. Teaching her son that he can't chop and change his mind about play dates and parties (I personally would have done different though). I don't know if what is being said to my DS is boy talk or more or both. It just needs to blow over now.

Thought I'd write an update... DS has been excluded a bit, but I took the tact of 'bigging him up' allot. Telling him he was a lovely boy who was good to have as a friend and it was 'their loss' if they didn't want to play with him .Bought him a Diabolo to take into school to play with at play times. Advised him to go and play with other peoples and have what we have called a "whatever!" attitude. He's allot happier and things have improved. The exclusion has happened for a while. The bad news is that....as I feared....poor DS has been excluded from another small birthday party gathering of these boys involving this same child. I know because a friend of mine's child has been invited. DS hasn't said anything about it... but I am hanging onto a rather 'thin' hope that he wont realise or care. Have decided that if he does, to save him any more pain, I'm going to lie and say that I told the mum we were busy that day because we've bought tickets to some-where-funky-which-I-haven't-thought-of-yet. I really didn't think this would happen. Saying anything to either of the mums will just make it worse. Having said that...I am so angry!!!! sob. To make matters worse there are quite a few children (4 this year that I know of) who have left the school because of unresolved bullying (excluding bullying by the way), with a few more on the cards. One in his class. This is my first experience of this spectrum of parenting pains and I am not liking it!!!

Ooops, meant to write the exclusion 'hasn't happened for a while'.

I remember this thread. Have you not tackled any of the mums?

Thanks for updating us! I think you need to speak to the other mums though?

Awww...poor boy!

It's just ridiculous, the birthday party nonsense. Some people (the other mum, not you) take their little darlings waaaaaay too seriously. Sorry your DS has to go through this. :(

Poor you, and poor old DS. I think you're doing the right thing but it's bloody hard to see them unhappy over friends.

I've got the same problem from a different angle at the moment. DS2 wants a party with several of his friends from different schools ( three tier system here so they all shoot off in different directions at Y5 ) The Mum of one of his best mates ( who is also a mate of mine and will probably offer to come along and help on the day as she is a bit of a helicopter parent ) can't stand one of the other kids DS2 wants to invite as they ( kids and Mums ) had a huge falling out at lower school ... Who do I ditch? Gaah!

Actually, I think I feel a thread coming on ...

I really hope things sort themselves out for your DS, the other Mum sounds like a total pain in the arse. I think if you follow the wise thoughts up thread about dividing and conquering the sheep-mums things might well improve.

Fingers crossed!

The other mums sound like brainless fools, taking the side of one person without hearing your side of the story or judging your DS on his own merits. Hope your DS isn't upset by missing the party, such a nasty thing to do to a little boy. Did she ever reply to your text by the way?

My goodness that mum sounds like an immature playground bully, who is too over involved in her ds friendships. The children sound much more mature than her, and yes the other mums are brainless fools for listening to her and not thinking for themselves. I would just let your ds play with them at school and get him also to make other friends and invite others to his party instead of having the rejection. She dd not even give you a straight answer, what is fraying rough fgs, se should have given you more information. Sound like your not flavour of the month anymore and she's dropped you like a hot cake. It will be one of those other mums soon enough

Your ds deserves more than that, let go of these friendships . Does he do a hobby outside school like sport, or anything else.

Did the other mum ever respond to the text message you sent?

Oh, and I'm sorry for your son, two wrongs don't make a right and it sounds like this woman is making things so much wrose by being involved. The fact that her own son has had playground difficulties should make her more empathetic to your son feeling that way. I'm dreading my two boys having to go through these playground politics but hope I can manage it with as much diginity and common sense as you are managing to.

the Mother sounds like a nightmare. Poor you.
I wouldn't speak to the other Mums though. You'll just add to the gossip rather than clear your name and why do you care what anyone else thinks anyway? When children get older they decide exactly who they'll play with and the parents have no control over that whatsoever. Don't speak to or text this Mother. She's probably full of self righteous indignation and wont have an ounce of understanding in her. Keep a dignified silence and just watch what happens in the next couple of years.. will make all this seem irrelevant when the kids find their own mates, their own way.

I second the idea of focussing on the other boys (and mums) in the group. Do you know any of the mums well enough to suggest meeting for a coffee and a gossip in town? If you do, this might help - you could ask them directly if there's a problem, because you'd prefer to have a chance to deal with it and resolve it, rather than it impacting on the childrens friendships.