For thinking this women is mean and causing so much upset for DS (7) - Do I speak to the school

[ilovehugs]

DS is 7. He has had the same bunch of friends all the way through primairy school and is releuctant to make any others. I felt I also had good relationships with the mums. There has aways been play dates, exchange of party invites etc etc.
Last term DS fell out with one of them. i think it was his fault. He was playing a bit too rough. His friends spent the next few weeks running away from him at play time, keaving him to roam around feeling very lonely. Whenever he told teachers, the boys said it was because he was naughty and they didn't want to play with him. One lunch time I cam by and saw DS in tears, alone. I went in spoke to the teacher and it was all sorted out. In the mean time one of the Mums refused an invite for a playdate (I arranged in the hope that DS would sort things out). She also said that her son couldn't come to DS's party. As the two boys were playing well at school (I checked) I was gutted for DS, who was really upset. I asked her why and she said that it would by hypocritaical to accept the party invite. A few weeks later DS wasn't invited to this boys small party where all his other friends were. I hoped it would blow over. But now DS is coming home having been told by the group that they can't invite him to their parties, because this boys mum wont let DS and her boy be at parties together. I feel she has sent out a message to this group of little boys and I don;t know what to do. If they exclude him from parties because of this it is going to be so painful for DS. He's just been in tears at bedtime talking about it. What should I do??!!!

I once got told by another mother that I needed to stop my son playing with the naughty boys! I just looked at her and then laughed at her. She was like the woman you talk about above. Constantly bad mouthing people behind their backs. Karma caught up with her and now she is a friendless woman who keeps her head down.

Will keep you updated and thanks so much for your posts.

seems like good idea to invite her ds over - and her too.. The older they get too the less she'll be involved in who her son plays with etc anyway... Glad your DS is better

Nooo, not a letter - she sounds like the sort of woman who would keep it in a file!

I think it is worth letting the school know this kind of reverse bullying is going on - it'll help them understand her ds and other situations that arise, tho probably they've already clocked her.

Hope your new strategies work and ds feels ok tomorrow. Well, that you both do!

The OP said she wrote a letter but decided not to send it Gentleness

Sorry. I read it that she was hoping that she'd have the guts to still send it...

I would def have a little chat with his teacher as well.

Good luck!

Oh yeah, missed that bit

We are friends with a family with a boy the same age as my DD.

The family are going through some tough times and the boy is (understandably) reacting badly. He is pretty uncontrollable, destructive, disobedient. I'm not suggesting your son is similar but my DD asks me not to invite them round and she gets upset when he appears.

We do still meet up but it is heavily managed by me, and usually somewhere outside where potential for damage is limited.

I can't make my DD like playing with the boy but I can try to support my friend whose husband is an arse and is fucking up his whole family

I hope you resolve it OP.

I would speak directly to the mother, and not mention the 'B' word till/unless she does. I would try something like 'I would really like to be completely clear on how you feel about (your son) and (my son) spending time together. I know (my son) wants to be able to spend time with him. It's come back to me that you said it would be 'hypocritical' to accept our party invitation - that didn't really sink in at the time, but I really need to know if anything's happened that was behind that?'

I would also ask one of the other mums how she feels all the boys are getting on. If you get nothing, say 'Only it all seems to have gone a bit quiet lately - has (your son) mentioned anything I should know?'

And talk to the teacher too. Knowledge is power and it helps to be aware of several perspectives.

Glad your DS has been in better spirits lately, and good luck with this.

DS has been playing with a friend all weekend. They've played in the house, garden, park, out for a walk. They have been playing independanlty with adults in the background. They have had a fab time and I haven't seen anything is his behaviour or had to intervene. He's not a perfect child and has his moments, but I see him playing with other kids and I can't see that he would go to school and over and change into a child who intimidates others. These are friendships that he's managed and maintained himself from reception. I've asked the teacher about his behavior and she said that she had no concerns. The main point is that he is friends with this boy at school. There are witnesses to testify to the fact that they eat their pack lunches together and run around at playtimes. I know I sound like a defensive mother, but I really do think that what ever happened was a silly boys row which is long over. Spoke to my friend today, who's son is pretty articulate and observant. She gave him some very subtle questioning and apparently DS and this boy play together most play times. Eat lunch together etc.

The fact is I have a knowledge of DS which I can't expect anyone else, not least another mother to have. So I will try and get some extra perspective and will talk to teacher and be very careful how I talk to this mum. It's hard to fight the urge to 'lay some charges' at her door, but it would be a really, stupid thing to do and would make me feel better for all of about 5 minutes and do DS a huge disservice in the long run.

If he is successfully veteos from the next, long-standing-friend-who-he-loves party - he will be heartbroken. But I can take him out for the day somewhere amazing and teach him some lessons about taking things on the chin, not dwelling on things and that there's lots of joy and fun in the world to be had if you do. I could have done with getting those skills a bit better!!!

Perhaps I could get a job as a lunch time supervisor...hmmmm

I usually never get involved when kids fall out but as this woman clearly won't let the kids sort it out themselves, and her interference is making your child unhappy, in this case I would make one last effort to talk to the woman: point out to her the effects of her behaviour on your son and how being excluded makes him feel. If she won't listen then I would feel quite justified in approaching the other mothers in the group and trying to sort playdates with the other children.

Personally I would be quite candid and tell them you have tried to sort things out but this woman seems to want to hold a grudge and ask that what has happened with her and her son not affect other friendships. The others will probably only have heard her version of event until now so maybe it's time to redress the balance. Maybe start with the mum who seems most approachable or the one whose son yours misses most!

I would guess it's the mother being over-sensitive and over-protective. I had a mum of a boy that my DS fought with approach me about it, I said I'd talk to my DS and asked the teacher about it, the teacher said it was a one-off - but the mother completely shunned me from that day on. I was very until I heard from another mum that she'd done the same to her too at a pre-school.

But you need to find out why her attitude is being spread to the others.

Divide and conquer!

Instead of going head to head with this woman and trying to force her to change her mind, can you work on the other mums?

Maybe invite just one of the boys (not the one whose mum is causing the problem) to a playdate or an outing, and let the boys have fun (and try to find a chance to speak to that mum a bit about what's been happening). If you get a few of the other mums on your side one by one, then that woman's power over the situation will be broken.

My friend had this with her DD. She didn't talk about it (?pride/confusion/anxiety) but when she finally did ...I made sure my DD came along side and we invited her to play lots. Her DD was a bit challenging- very controlling over her friendship and couldn't tolerate sharing my DD with other girls -which caused some issues but gentle steering resolved this little child's insecurity.

The mother concerned is a total nightmare and fairly renowned now. But initially other mothers believed her and soaked up the vicious gossip. I also know a few who did exactly what she wanted which was to exclude my friend's DD.

Gradually a non confrontational and supportive approach has made friend and DD secure. The mum concerned, is a leading member of the PTA and governors (sorry to all committed PTA and governors out there but I am about to offend with a generalisation). This 'type' do tend to sidle into roles in school which give them a feeling of importance.

I think you need to talk to one of the other mothers who will give you honest (not just what you want to hear) feedback.

I know you say that he wouldn't bully, but I have 2 situations with my dd1, where I am sure the parents would say the same.
One is a girl in her class. I know for a fact that at least 3 other parents have complained about her bullying their child too. I also know that her parents haven't been told and the teacher is keeping mostly on top of it, so it's not a big issue, but with a less good teacher it would be. I am fairly certain that her mum has no idea (she would go up the wall, I suspect).

Other is another girl who dd1 has a lot to do with. According to her mum she is very sensitive, and usually a victim... however she can be exceedingly vindictive and very nasty at time. Her dm will not admit it and will usually try to turn any accusations round to say other children are being nasty to her dd.

Also if you talk to the other mother and she says it's true that they've been told not to invite your ds you have the opportunity to discuss how upset it's making him. It's worth mentioning to the teacher too.

So update...

When picking up DD this afternoon I had a look at the playground. DS was with the group as usual. I gestured to one of the supervisors who came over. I asked to speak in confidence with her. She knew about the 'fall out' of last term. Said that they had played together quite happily since it was resolved, except for the last few days (coinciding with the birthday party exclusion stuff) when DS had been excluded by them. I asked if he had 'played rough' or done anything obvious to instigate that and she said she had been keeping an eye on the group and hadn't seen anything like that happen. By the end of the day DS came out of school quite happy. Teacher said that they had been fine.
Saw the mum but she looked really fed up and there were people everywhere. I tend to babble and be even more inarticulate than normal when I'm nervous. Was worried I would cock it up and chickened out of talking to her.
Decided to send her a text. Went along the lines of an invite for dinner, that DS values his friendship and had been working hard, wants to move on and a bit of hanging out after school would be great if she was willing to allow that to happen. Mentioned that supervisors have been keeping and eye of things and they have all been playing nice. Did (which I now regret) say that the 'party stuff' had left an impression with the group because they do talk about these things and DS would like to move past that.

This was early on in the day and she hasn't text back. :(. Should have talked to her.

Just going to wait and see what happens now. Dreading seeing her. I am so pathetic and crap at dealing with these things :( .

plan of action: Leave it now. See what happens. Regret sending text.

Also..ended it with an invite to speak openly to me.

I wonder if the reason she hasnt responded is because you have called her on her ridiculous and cruel behaviour re the parties.

Definitely do the cool day out thing. I did something similar when dd1 was in primary because there was one little shit who was excluding her, and her mum was behind it too. She eventually did it with all the girls one by one and ended up with no friends, funnily enough she has also been excluded from 2 high schools and her mum removed her from a third because of "unfounded" accusations of bullying

Aaargh OP - I really really feel for you!

I think the woman is being petty - I really hope she comes round and gets a grip.

Maybe she is pondering her response and will appreciate your directness, honesty and willingness to move. I would be both relieved and ashamed in her situation so it would take me a while to process what to do next. Well done OP - I think you were very brave!

willingness to move ON

(and I so didn't mean that last sentence to be as patronising as it sounds )

Cheers bogeyface and pictish . The sad thing was I really thought she was my friend and a nice person. That's why I find this so hard to understand.

Thanks Gentleness - that is kind. Am feeling more foolish than brave at the moment. x