She doesn't want to see her friends so when I go out with mine she gets arsey

[Zealey]

It's not just me, it seems to be exclusively most of the males I know. We have a DS who is nearly two, and we share the care equally. So when a friend calls me up to go out to the pub I don't see why there should be a problem. She is just as free as me to go out another night with HER friends, but she most times doesn't. Even when she concedes that we do actually split the childcare and housework equally and doesn't bitch about me going out to see friends I've known since school, she'll still keep texting and calling to check where I am what I'm doing, how much I'm drinking, etc.
What's most important for y'all to understand is that we have a good relationship, she has no reason to question my fidelity, nor me hers, also I'm not an alcoholic or shirking my fatherly responsibilities, and most importantly we spend a lot of time together doing couple things. But she just seems to resent the fact that I had friends before I met HER.
Is it my fault that she doesn't want to spend time alone with her mates when I DO wan't to spend time alone with mine? Just because I got married doesn't mean my friends have to immediately love her too (even though they DO like her). Broadening it out, most of my male friends moan about the same thing. It's fine for her to go out, but if we try it it's like having a ffking GPS tracker stuck to our arse despite never ever giving cause to make our partners feel this way.
Is this just a female malfunction?

@ Gafhyb, that's what I getting from the OP's post.

Where does OP say she's 'anxious' and 'down on herself'?

So finally we have an OP posting who says that they split housework and childcare equally, don't have any relationship issues, he's not 'an alcoholic or shirking my fatherly responsibilities', they 'spend a lot of time together and do couple things'.... in contrast to all the twunts we read about on a daily basis on Relationship...

.. and lo and behold, it's STILL his fault that his wife can't let him down the pub the odd time for a drink without behaving like a bunny boiler, ie 'she'll still keep texting and calling to check where I am what I'm doing, how much I'm drinking, etc' ???!

Seriously, men can't win for losing on Mumsnet can they?

what hell said pretty much covers what i was thinking.

I'll wager you are a bit of an arse, OP, and that is your 'malfunctioning' wife's real issue.

What helltotheno said ^

The mind boggles, truly.

Anyone would think us women are all bloody saints the way Mumsnet carries on. Although it never fails to amaze me how quickly the women turn on each other when there isn't a man to crap all over posting.

I'd bet my last Haribo that if this man's DP came on telling with this story, it would be a different kettle of fish. Imagine she told us that her husband shared housework and childcare duties equally, and had never been unfaithful/given any cause to doubt him, but she didn't want him to go out at all ever without her. Oh, and when he did, she would call and text all the time checking up on him.

Every last one of us would be telling her to get a frickin' grip...

I have to confess I have been guilty of this in the past, it is very unhealthy but I think the reasons behind it are complex. For me, it was connected with feeling isolated from normal social life after pregnancy and becoming a mum. I was exhausted, had low self esteem, felt a bit frumpy and uninteresting and I guess I was having a bit of an identity crisis because my new life in no way resembled my former one. I felt disconnected from my friends because I associated them with the 'old' me.

My DP did get annoyed and frustrated with me but he did keep on encouraging me to phone friends and make plans. I'm slowly getting back into having a social life and I feel tons better. My DP helped loads by offering not only to look after our DS for that evening but promising to be around the next day and help out so I could have a lie in and recover from a hangover/late night.

Don't be too hard on your partner OP, try and think of ways that you can encourage her to get out and enjoy different things.

Thing is some women (as well as plenty of men) are self-obsessed, whinyarsed, controlling PITAs and it is not impossible that the OP's DW is one of them. It's not just men who can be unreasonably, unjustifiably jealous to the point of actually being abusive.
If you have a jealous partner, you either have to take the piss till they grow out of it, or bin them: the one thing you should never do with whiners is give in to them as they will just demand more and more.

What's wrong with zealey's OP is that he extends his issue with his dw to all the women he knows - or all those married to/living with his mates, anyway. I bet men do moan about their partners when they get together in the pub, same as women moan about theirs, but it's not actually a fair and balanced representation of either gender, or of a real social issue. It's just people bonding - just as they do about work. People moan about work, you don't join in the conversation by telling everyone how fab your job is and how wonderful your boss is. You empathise and use examples from your own working life.

Some of the posts here trying to explain how his wife might be feeling about the way her life has changed are quite useful. Or she might be a jealous cow, who knows? Only Zealey and even then his wife's/partner's point of view might be very different. But to broaden it out and blame all mothers of small children is unfair and untrue.

This situation sounds a little like my relationship. Since i had pfb i have lost confidence and don't want to go out as often as i used to. I don't feel like i have an identity other than being a mother and i must admit that i get a little jealous that this hasn't happened to DP. But i don't moan when he goes out with his friends because he needs a life away from me at times. And yes i do get a little sad when i'm alone on the occasional night but i know that he would happily do the same for me.

Could you somehow get her friends to come over with a bottle of wine? Maybe she needs a push in the right direction. I know i certainly do :)

HellNo

I did not say it was the OP's fault.

I am venturing an idea (PND) of why his wife might be behaving like this. There is no need to make this into such an antagonistic conversationm

HellNo

And you are not listening to the experiences of several women who have posted on here. Trying to explain how they felt after becoming a mother and SAHM. Not justifying unhelpful behaviour, explaining it.

NoWay - actually, I wouldn't. I don't post telling anyone to get a grip. I try and understand the complexities of a situation

edam - totally agree. We don't know the real reason. There's no need for such polarisation

Gafhyb you see things in the OP that I don't. Could there be depression issues here? It's a possibility but really I've seen enough of this type of behaviour (from people who didn't even have kids) to feel that in this case, it's just DW not wanting him to have fun if she's not. There's a little thing called personal responsibility here. She does have friends, she chooses not to see them. I don't see that being his fault.

We can agree to differ about it and I'm sure OP would be fully capable of proving either of us wrong.

To make another point, the OP doesn't state that it's a couple of times he goes out, he said whenever his friends call. That could be 3 times a week for all we know. He does sound like a good dad but seriously if my OH ran off to the pub every time one of his mates phones up I would get pissed off. To add to that, he then says it's your problem because you don't want to go out with your mates will only make the problem worse.

If this was turned and the OP's wife was saying "my DH goes off to the pub every time his mates phone" I'm sure some of you on here would be calling him a tosser. Maybe try choosing your wife over your friends sometimes. Ps if you see her moaning about something that is clearly bothering her in your relationship as "female malfunction" then I really feel sorry for your wife! And tbh you sound a little bit immature about the whole thing... or is that just a male malfunction!

By the way Gafhyb, there are people in the world who are just possessive by nature you know. Are you completely ruling that out as a possibility?

Hellono - I don't know for sure. I'd like the OP's opinion about whether this has only occurred post-children. You are quite right that her behaviour is over-the top and it's alienating the OP. But I would hate for PND to be missed, and a relationship to be damaged because of it.

OP please come back and tell us how many times you go to the pub.

And stalking in the form of stupid calls and texts asking where he is and how much he's drinking isn't immature?!

HellNo Xpost - not at all. The obvious conclusion is that she's a possessive cow. Just trying to point out a less obvious conclusion

I have not said anything is his fault, BTW

DH and I will have been married for 22 years in September. We have 2 DC. Both of us will happily go out with our own friends, or go out together, or go out together with our joint friends. When the DC were small, it was more problematic to go out together, obviously, but we arranged babysitters and made sure that we had time together. It was very important for our relationship.

But what was also very important for our relationship was that we kept up our individual lives and friendships. It would never have crossed my mind to try and tell my DH that he couldn't go out with his friends, nor would he have stopped me seeing mine.

And the idea that we might bombard each other with texts wanting to know where were/when we were coming home is, frankly, ridiculous. Because we trust each other, and we are grown ups.

zealey - I'm taking you at face value here and assuming that your tone/style of posting is a slightly awkward 'how do I talk to these Mumsnet women' one, rather than being deliberately patronising and offensive. It sounds to me like your DW has become too focused on her role as wife and mother, and has forgotten that she needs to remember who she is as a person. It sounds like she is trapped in her role to some degree. She also sounds like she is terribly insecure in this place though. She is fearful and resentful of what you are doing and why and what will happen. I think.

I say 'I think' because of course I don't really know. You haven't really explained the situation that clearly or answered many of the questions here.

Has your wife always been like this, or just since you had children?
Were you ever 'allowed' to go out on your own or did she always want you to do things together?
How often are you expecting to be able to go out with your mates?
Are you an unpleasant and inconsiderate drunk?

I would hate to have a partner who was resentful and controlling in this way. But if he was, I would want to know why and what was behind this behaviour. I would also be worried about my partner. Whereas you don't seem to be worried about her, just the fact that she is behaving in a way that is irritating you.

What BIWItheBold said. Also I've worked in pubs and seen the odd everyone of them guy moan about the misses calling or texting them. tbh when you've seen a guy in there most of the night, every night you tend not to take their side. I'll never forget one guy who came in at about 5pm with a large bag of fish and chips, saying his wife had sent him out to get tea for the kids because there was nothing in. He was still there at 11pm. His wife gave up texting at around 8pm. Not saying that this is the case with the OP, but it makes you think.