She doesn't want to see her friends so when I go out with mine she gets arsey

[Zealey]

It's not just me, it seems to be exclusively most of the males I know. We have a DS who is nearly two, and we share the care equally. So when a friend calls me up to go out to the pub I don't see why there should be a problem. She is just as free as me to go out another night with HER friends, but she most times doesn't. Even when she concedes that we do actually split the childcare and housework equally and doesn't bitch about me going out to see friends I've known since school, she'll still keep texting and calling to check where I am what I'm doing, how much I'm drinking, etc.
What's most important for y'all to understand is that we have a good relationship, she has no reason to question my fidelity, nor me hers, also I'm not an alcoholic or shirking my fatherly responsibilities, and most importantly we spend a lot of time together doing couple things. But she just seems to resent the fact that I had friends before I met HER.
Is it my fault that she doesn't want to spend time alone with her mates when I DO wan't to spend time alone with mine? Just because I got married doesn't mean my friends have to immediately love her too (even though they DO like her). Broadening it out, most of my male friends moan about the same thing. It's fine for her to go out, but if we try it it's like having a ffking GPS tracker stuck to our arse despite never ever giving cause to make our partners feel this way.
Is this just a female malfunction?

Have you actually asked her why she doesn't like you going out?

Was she like this before children? Your answers so far suggest not

you need to go out more just the two of you together, do what you liked doing together when you first meet,

you both need time out with friends, alone and together,

part of the resentment sometimes caused when one person is off out, is that remainder person, really feels the lack of time out together, that time that is all positive and reminds you of the good bits of why you are building a long relationship,

when you have children, it's very easy to just to grab the time out individually, and then the only time you are spending with your partner, is in your stressful living environment, surrounded by reminders of things to done,

If we notice we are a little off kilter with each other or ourselves, we try to grab a night away together, get a friend in, leave.

I have a friend who's children are grown up now, she has known ours all their lives, she kept telling us, that it would do us the world of good, eventually we got around to it, and the change in overall outlook was massively improved, I recommend it.

just a bit of us time, chatting, late rooms is your friend, we go local, so not to waste time on road trips, we go somewhere you can have a nice walk, just spend time together, eat a picnic, night in somewhere lovely(late rooms, you really will find a good room for under £60) eat breakfast, walk, have lunch, go home, knacked children, really enjoyed the fun friend who misses having little ones, they go to bed , nice night in together, because you have just had time together and re connected,

we do an exchange with friend, she is single and we do her DIY work, we run a building firm, so she always loves it if she can convince us to go away as then she doesn't feel bad asking for the next job to be done,

Honestly if you can give your relationship these little MOT/services, you will find the comfort of team work feel will return , and instead of one person being perceived to be abandoning the other, the person left in will feel glad that the other is doing an activity, as they are assured they are the priority.

TBF mrsTP Mr Goo did once piss in the wardrobe.

Definitely not a female malfunction - my DH went through a phase of doing the same thing!

I kept encouraging him to call his friends and make arrangements, he'd come back with things like, "X won't be around, Y's probably working, Z is difficult to pin down", but it was all guesswork and he never knew for certain what they were doing because he never called them to find out

Then he started to resent when I went out until I flat out told that I'm not his social secretary, he's free to go out whenever he likes, but I'm not going to stop seeing my friends because he can't be arsed to make plans with his.

It shut him up quickly, and now he's much better about contacting his friends - possibly a little too good as he's out for the 3rd night in a row!!

puddlejumper. My nc to HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen was fun didn't work out as I am more dragon than weasel, but I did like the lederhosen - so I kept them on.

DP goes out all the time and I never say anything to him about it, I never phone or text him when he is out either. I dont go out much but that is my choice, I like to slob out on the sofa and relax, going out is so much hard work!

The only time i pull a face is when he has been out 3 times already and is just going to pop out to the pub as another friend has rang him, i think 4 times in a week is abit excessive.

He can be out for an hour or two or till 2am and I am not bothered.

At first I thought you might be my boyfriend who complains about the same thing, until I got to the checking and texting, oo I dont do that.

My DP goes out, ALWAYS stays out much later than he says, and spends the next day in a horrid little stella mood with red eyes like a rat and smells of tuna.

Saying that I dont give him loads of beef for going out. The trouble is a lot of my lady friends also have babies, and its generally a lot harder to meet up, I go out but certainly not as often.

Its not on checking up on you. If you dont sort it out it will grate on your nerves and at some point you will have enough.

Plus I second going out together.

OH and I have both been through phases of feeling constrained - we both have a history of being messed around by previous partners, and neither of us were used to anyone being that bothered about our whereabouts on a daily basis. We tend to have a few ground rules now that apply to both of us, for example
-Be clear whether you're going to be in for dinner and if you mind me eating before you get home
-Text if you're going to get in much later than some specified time/making alternative transport plans that allow missing the last train or bus - this is a) to stop the partner left at home worrying that the other has had an accident and b) so said partner can choose whether to wait up or go to bed based on accurate information
-Be honest about where you're going and who with. (to be fair I've never been dishonest and don't think he has, but all my exes have been a bit flexible with the truth and it was stressful!)
-Some notice is good, so the partner not going out can make their own plans (e.g. watch a DVD the other one hates, eat food that they love and the other doesn't, go out with different friends - obviously when we have children that last one will be ruled out)
-Outside certain circumstances, ask if your partner wants to come too. Chances are s/he won't a lot of the time, but it is polite not to rule him/her out of (for example) a mixed-sex trip to the pub.

If I know where OH is and if he's going to be later than he originally said, then I don't need contact during the evening. And he knows that if I do text him it's drank all the whisky love you probably important.

My ex used to go out every single day with his mates. In the end I had no mates left to go out with because they were fed up with me not being able to go out.

I reckon it would have been unreasonable of me to expect him not to go out (but it was reasonable of me to expect him not to go out all the time).

Male/female whatever, it sounds like horribly controlling behaviour.

They sound like really good rules Quack. I dont mind my DP staying out late cos when he comes in he ruins my night by trying to eat my food and making comments on what I watch before eventually falling asleep in the chair and snoring like a massive pig!

I do have to add that I'd rather chew my own arm off than go out to the pub weekly, either with dh or my mates. Just not how I want to spend my time

Instead I do thai box of an evening, or circuits, or pilates

So maybe you're encouraging her to do something she doesn't want to do, but if you asked her what she would like to do for an evening, it might be something else

Also, thinking about it, I was a bit jealous of dh when kids were tiny - I just felt they needed me and didn't want to go out until they were beyond toddler stage whereas that didn't stop him (rightly so of course)

The texting etc is silly though - sounds insecure

Why is it such a problem to you if she rings and checks you're ok or asks where you are? Is it a big secret? Are you suprized she worries where you are or what you're doing if you seem not to want to give her that information or tell her why she mustn't ask? You're being wierd about it, if you want her to loosen up about where you go and what you do, then YOU need to loosen up about it and drop the secrecy/arseyness.

Also your thinking that she minds you going out because she doesn't go out seems pretty unlikely. Why don't you ask her why she minds, instead of taking offence at a stupid reason you made up all by yourself?

You avoided the question of how often you do go out, which has been asked a lot. You just say 'it's not every night'. Clearly not, or she'd have told you to sling your hook by now, but if you can't even bring yourself to be honest about how often it is here, then maybe it is more often than you want to admit?

RightBugger - what a load of nonsense.

If I was out and DH was calling me and texting me to find out where I was, what I was doing and when I'd be back, he'd get a very short shrift when I got home.

If I'm going out, I'm going out. Same for him. In our house, we work on the assumption that we're old enough and ugly enough not to miss last train options/get ourselves stuck. As a courtesy, I will also let him know when I'm leaving somewhere so he knows I'm on my way home. Then, if I take loads longer, he knows he has a good reason to worry (although normally by then he's asleep!)

The OP has been pretty clear about one thing - he's attempting to have a multi-faceted life that involves being a good partner, good father and a good friend, and it sounds like his DP is only interested in the mothering part.

I have friends like this. She has been a ball-breaker and a pain in the arse and really awful to her DH - my DH has tried for 4 years to get together with him for the occasional, and there's always an excuse (one of which was that his DW had cut her finger and needed him to stay in - I shit you not).

It was only last week that he eventually managed to get the guy out for a drink. His DW texted my DH at 9:30pm wanting to know when her husband would be home!!! The friend told my DH that he realises he now has hardly any friends left as he's allowed her to ruin it for him by not standing up to her.

DH is out now. So I am on here and the television is NOT ON. I am a happy bunny. I asked him to keep me posted about where they have gone and so we have exchanged two whole texts.
Mind you, I do have a tendency to go out for 'lunch' and come home 6 hours later so I wouldn't complain would I?!

She sounds insecure and that's down to you (even though the man never thinks that... it always is). You may have never given her cause to be but it's clear she does think you will wonder off. Maybe she's feeling that she hasn't got much to offer you anymore... has she put on weight lately.

I lost my confidence when I fell pregnant, wouldn't go out without my husband. I do have bipolar ii, but it wasn't to do with that. I thought that as I couldn't drink I'd be rubbish company, and so avoided meeting up with friends. Took a friend who I hadn't seen for 4 months only being available on a day that dh was working for me to get my confidence back. Since then I've been out for lunches etc. Maybe she's lost her confidence in herself as a person and her identity?

Someone esle has mentioned this as well, but why haven't you asked if she would like to go out with you too?

With XDP it would've been nice to have been asked if I would've liked to go out with him as well. Socialise together on a night out, not take it in turns to babysit (by the way, that was his term not mine and it drove me mad as you don't babysit your own children)

She sounds very insecure about you going out, but saying you and your mates all bitch about your partners when you're out doesn't sound like you're all doing anything about it.

I know we've moved on but - female malfunction. Do you usually term what you perceive (wrongly) as exclusively female traits as a malfunction of human behaviour? Functioning humanity = MALE behaviour?

She sounds insecure and that's down to you

Sorry but what a load of rubbish. So we have to own the insecurity of other people now do we? I don't think so. There's nothing in the op's post to suggest he's done or is doing anything to make his DP insecure.
And what's weight got to do with it? So if she put on a stack, he's suddenly to blame for that too and has to change his life accordingly? Dude might as well just turn himself into the police and get the handcuffs on...

Sheesh, some really odd posts on this thread

I know someone at work like this, she moans about her husband going out for a few hours every couple of weeks. The poor guy is doing nothing wrong and he seems to adore her.

I don't think she actually has a problem with him going out, she just wants him to want to stay in with her more than he wants to go out, if that makes sense. She trusts him, knows he's not going to be spending all their money on beer, she just doesn't like the fact that he enjoys himself with people that don't include her. She would prefer it if she were the only person that could ever make him feel happy.

That's what I think anyway. No idea why she seems to feel like that, but I'm fairly certain tats what it is.

All I'm saying is, if she has put on weight then she maybe feeling insecure about herself and passing that on to him with the constant phoning. If he then goes out regardless of her feelings that's not going to make her feel better. It's all very "her friends my friends"... what about our friends? Remind me again... is the OP married or is he single with a wife and children?

You're certainly reading an awful lot into what he's saying because I don't get any of that at all. Constant phoning is a pain in the ass, he's already said he's not out getting drunk. If she's passing on her own insecurities, that's not his fault.

Each person having his/her own friends is a very good thing. If you read some of the threads on Relationships, there are lots of people left at a total loss when they lose their partner through death or separation etc. There's nothing wrong with having a social life together and a social life apart.

The op has already said, even in the title, that she has friends but WON'T go out with them. I see nowt wrong at all in him going out the odd time with his mates.

She would prefer it if she were the only person that could ever make him feel happy.

Yes Outraged, this.

Hellnothen

I'm not suggesting he does not go out, merely that there may be more to her behaviour than being controlling. If he can undesrtand and support, rather than just getting angry he may be able to help her get whatever help she needs to not feel and act this way.

My reaction is based on the fact they have very small children, and the effect having small children can have on some women.

---being antisocial, anxious, down on yourself all can be signs of depression