She doesn't want to see her friends so when I go out with mine she gets arsey

[Zealey]

It's not just me, it seems to be exclusively most of the males I know. We have a DS who is nearly two, and we share the care equally. So when a friend calls me up to go out to the pub I don't see why there should be a problem. She is just as free as me to go out another night with HER friends, but she most times doesn't. Even when she concedes that we do actually split the childcare and housework equally and doesn't bitch about me going out to see friends I've known since school, she'll still keep texting and calling to check where I am what I'm doing, how much I'm drinking, etc.
What's most important for y'all to understand is that we have a good relationship, she has no reason to question my fidelity, nor me hers, also I'm not an alcoholic or shirking my fatherly responsibilities, and most importantly we spend a lot of time together doing couple things. But she just seems to resent the fact that I had friends before I met HER.
Is it my fault that she doesn't want to spend time alone with her mates when I DO wan't to spend time alone with mine? Just because I got married doesn't mean my friends have to immediately love her too (even though they DO like her). Broadening it out, most of my male friends moan about the same thing. It's fine for her to go out, but if we try it it's like having a ffking GPS tracker stuck to our arse despite never ever giving cause to make our partners feel this way.
Is this just a female malfunction?

How often do you go out without her?

How often do you go out with her?
Do you also make time to go out with the family?

Do you say I'm popping out for a quick drink with X and then roll in at 3am?

I like it when DH goes out as I am mistress of the remote control - the power!!

OK. More info asked: No, I don't go out every night and get shitfaced, nor am I moody drunk. The issue as I see it, having talked to her, is that because SHE doesn't want to go out and see her friends and break the intense family unit we have, then WHY DO I????
It actually really annoys me. We have a great relationship, I love her, I've never given her reason to think I've cheated on her, and to be honest I don't think that's the issue anyway. She's just annoyed that I can let go from being a parent and have fun like it was ten years ago, whereas all she can focus on is now being a parent and everything must stop and take second place to that.

God I would weep for joy if my dh went out more. The constant texting would seriously annoy me too.

Get the idea that 'females' 'malfunction' by behaving differently from you right out of your head to start with. This is a problem in your relationship.

How about working with her to reduce these expressions of her insecurity? You could tell her how getting all these texts make you feel (intruded on, not trusted etc) and instead how much you like it when you come home with plenty to tell her from an evening out. (Attempting to spin it positively here).

Then suggest that you go to see friends soon and that you will put your phone on silent, and that you'd like her to try not to contact you for ? 3 hours? and that you will ring her when you're about to leave. Then also fix a day to go out with her.

Then remember to ring her (maybe take an alarm clock?!), go home and give her one lots and lots of affection for doing something which is hard for her and which gave you a great evening out. And make sure you focus on her when you go out together, get her to turn her phone off too.
You can't force her to see her friends but yes, encourage it whenever you can. Could you get some couples together for a pub trip or something, she might prefer that?

I'm comfortable being a husband, a father AND someone who still likes to go out and have a party. For her it seems like now she's a mum it must be a coffin of nappies and heavy conversations? Is this my fault or hers?

Re the female malfunction comment - is this how you speak to her? Do you take the piss out of her feelings / trivialise them / stereotype them or is that just reserved for us?

How often do you get invited out, Not actually go out but are asked too IYSWIM?

'is this my fault or hers'

erm neither? you feel bad because..... she feels bad because.....

There's nothing about being a woman that means you behave this way.

This is her, as an individual. Nothing to do with her gender. (I'm not commenting on the 'all my mates complain too' because they may be full of it, playing the 'ball and chain' game)

If she doesn't want to go out-fine. If she doesn't ever want you to go out - that's not fair.

My mum is like this - not because she's a woman she just, as a person, never wants my dad to ever have any life away from her as far as she is concerned, the only person in the universe that my dad should need or want or have in his life is her.

They are very unhappy. For that and a load of other reasons. It's not healthy, it's really not.

I am also a woman. I do not feel this way. I am more than happy to boot my husband out to the pub and enjoy a night of uninterrupted telly and computer, after the kids are in bed.

You need to find out WHY she feels this way.

Are you a twat when drunk?
Do you piss in the wardrobe?
Does she feel that you shouldn't want to have anyone else in your life except her?
Is she insecure?
What are you like the following day? Is it tiptoe round daddy time?
Are there money worries and she hates cash being pissed against a wall?

We could sit here and speculate all night, but she's the one who knows. You need to encourage her to tell you why she feels the way she does.

If this is the full story what you have told us then yanbu and she is bu - but just wondering does she have friends of her own? or does she not really have any good friends, maybe she feels lonely and that is why she is being like this?

If she does not like going out and leaving the children can she not invite her friends to come round while you are out, then you both get to socialise

Zealey

I can see both "sides" of this. If she is a SAHM then her whole life has changed in a way your has not, and in a way you don't seem to comprehend. Being a mother can become all-encompassing. Many of us lose ourselves for a while and find it hard to think about things outside our children. She may have no desire to go out because she is very very tired, or she may, in fact be a bit depressed. She may seem to resent you for the fact that you are not experiencing these things.

Having said that, I can see how irritating it is for you.

I am very happy to have my DH go out now, but when mine were young I did resent it a little bit. It was not rational, but I felt low (never rang or texted though, or even complained about it)

If you both go out for the night, who gets to drink? who gets up with your DS.

Maybe she is too serious and maybe you are not serious enough? You almost seem want us to explain why your wife is behaving "wrongly" as you are so negative "coffin of nappies". Gosh you sound like a bundle of laughs as a parent - do you let her know that you find it such a misery?

Good post Hecate (as ever)

"She's just annoyed that I can let go from being a parent and have fun like it was ten years ago, whereas all she can focus on is now being a parent and everything must stop and take second place to that"

I wonder if you've considered PND?

I do wonder if you really know if you're a twat when you're drunk or not. And also 'never given her a reason to think I've cheated on her' - well maybe not to you, but perhaps she feels insecure since having a child, and thinks you might be looking for that.

It's hard to tell really.

Comments like 'female malfunction' etc make me How very patronising.

In response to the twatty malfunction comment, ime, sometimes as a woman, it feels easier for your social circle to breakdown a bit as you get over those few years of early parenthood. You are pg, then you are bf, then you are pg, then you are bf again and friend A is due 6 months after you and friend B 6 months after her and it all goes a bit awry for a few years. DH will go on holiday with his friends, which is lovely, and I have finished bf the youngest so technically could manage to get away for a bit but I don't have a single friend atm who could get away for more than a few hours. I have only just got into a monthly midweek night at the pub and my eldest is 9.

The texting thing would piss me off no end but even a text and phone phone like me would rather get a text from a DP than listen to grown men moaning on about 'er indoors.

OP I am female but am in the same situation to you. DH never goes out. I go out with my friends sometimes (talking less than once a week). He resents it every single time. I would love him to go out more and be less dependent on having me about. I actually don't think it's healthy not to have any outside interests/friends to the point where ALL you want is your partner and children about.

On a practical note, would she consider inviting one of her friends round for a glass of something while you are out?

yy Hecate.

I am a woman and we don't have DC yet. Right now we are both quite independent. For example DP is going on holiday to Scotland on his own next week. I am going to Berlin for a long weekend in July with a female rellie. DP and I will both go out for drinks with friends on our own, and together too.

But - we both have pretty sensible limits. When DP is drinking I pick him up from the station (his friends live in another town) and he makes it not too late so I don't have to wait up - generally before midnight. This means he might be a bit happy but not steaming.

If he were really pissed and smelt like alcohol, he'd make his own way home and sleep in the spare room so as not to wake me. He doesn't write off the next day normally.

OTOH if we go out for a meal he almost always drives as I like a glass or four of wine and he doesn't mind missing out.

These things are compromises. Do you feel you compromise with DW? Or do you just say, 'I'm going out, no discussion, be back whenever, not going to be checked in mentally tomorrow - don't like it? Well you could go out tomorrow if you want'. That's not a compromise.

HectateTrivia - Brilliant Answer. The best comment so far. Thank you :)

Zealey it's her issue, not yours. I'd go MAD in a relationship like this, it'd be like being in prison for me. Thankfully I'm in a relationship where DH sees who he wants, as do I.

When I was single and in my 20s, a lot of women my age in relationships were like this - their boyfs couldn't go for a waz without getting the third degree, let alone go out for a night with their mates. It's down to insecurity imo. She can't get a life outside family herself (it doesn't sound like you're stopping her, am I right?), yet you're not allowed have one...

No suggestions really, except maybe paint a pic of what kind of life she'd have if you weren't around, like if something happened to you. It's always a very good thing to have a life outside your partner...

I like it when DH goes out, and I go out probably a bit more than he does.

I do start texting him at 1am when he said he was going to be in at 11.30pm, and if he stays out until 3 then he will get a succession of shitty and shittier phone calls. This is because I know he will be shitfaced and useless the next day.

He doesn't do it a lot anymore since I lost my rag a few times

Everything does take second place to being a parent. But there is a second third and fourth place....

I think OP is Nagoo's DH.

This may be your female's malfunction as you put it. Here's news... We are not all the same, just as you are not all the same. I would be delighted for my OH to go out and enjoy himself. You seem absolutely certain that your DP has no reason to doubt you. Perhaps she just has a tendency to jealousy - there need not be any grounds but some people are just like that. I would certainly not appreciate being sent texts asking for a blow by blow account of my evening. Guess that some negotiation is required.

Ok, well, thanks all, some genuinely illuminating and perceptive answers here. I'm gonna go and have a think about it all in my attic (where DP puts me when I'm not allowed out, and maybe if I strain my eyes above the window I may catch a glimpse of my friends having fun at the pub down the road, but anything to keep the peace ;)
Thanks.
Zealey x