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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is very relaxed about 15 year old daughter having sex.

65 replies

ShutUpMeg · 11/05/2012 16:05

A while ago (when she was still 14) friend found a condom in daughters bedroom.

She has now found out that daughters boyfriend has been coming over when she's at work and when she stays out for the night leaving her in the house alone. The daughter has also asked for (and received) a double bed.

They're obviously having sex.

I asked how she felt about that and she shrugged her shoulders shyly and said she "doesn't want to interfere".

She's literally just turned 15. Am I an old prude then? I couldn't imagine being so laid back about this!

OP posts:
Hassled · 11/05/2012 16:08

I can't imagine being so laid back either - am very glad my (now adult) DD was quite a bit older - but then of course I was only 15 when I started having sex so I'm in no position to be judgy.

The positives are - the DD is practicing safe sex and she's having sex in a safe enironment. SHe's not shagging behind the bus shelter, which would be the alternative. It sounds like she's in a committed relationship. I'm sure her mother is thankful for all of that.

CremeEggThief · 11/05/2012 16:09

Their family, their business. I wouldn't really approve either, but I wouldn't get involved.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/05/2012 16:10

I cant say I would be delighted but really...what can she do short of locking her daughter away. Double bed/single bed, if they want to have sex they will be it at home, in the back of a car of down some dingy alley Hmm

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 11/05/2012 16:13

15 is very young but assuming the boy is a similar age I don't think there is much your friend can do. It's better for the girl to be safe and supported by her mother at the end of the day.

worldgonecrazy · 11/05/2012 16:14

I agree with hassled. I also wouldn't be quite so laid back, but her daughter is being sensible and safe about it, though I would encourage the pill as secondary protection. Perhaps they have been in a comitted relationship for a while?

Teenagers are going to have sex, all we can do as adults is hope that we have given them the tools they need to be safe and respectful of themselves and each other.

funkybuddah · 11/05/2012 16:17

There isn't much your friend can do but make sure her dd is comfortable and protected.

There is no way my mum could have stopped me when I was 15 which is why my mum allowed my boyf round/stay overnight as at least we weren't in the park doing it (and I would have, and did)

Mrsjay · 11/05/2012 18:05

Im not laid back about teen sex and i wouldnt be ok with it underage m your friend is the at least i know where she is and she is safe parent , which is fair enough , im just a prude not as laid back as that , my friend was relaxed with her son at 15 and allowed girls to stay ,

CockyPants · 11/05/2012 18:07

I hope they'll be equally relaxed nay delighted when child announces she's caught an STD.
Or even better is up the duff.
Nice.

Mrsjay · 11/05/2012 18:11

My relaxed friend had to go with his sons 15 yr old GF to have a termination so her dad wouldnt find out , it was awful for her , (the girl not the friend)

Original poster
ShutUpMeg · 11/05/2012 18:12

I keep imagining her becoming pregnant Cockypants. My friend's sister became pregnant at 13 so I'm hoping this girl doesn't follow in her aunts footsteps.

OP posts:
bugster · 11/05/2012 18:12

No way would I be laid back about that. It's wrong and illegal,and I would point that out to DD, and also try to instill in her some sense of her worth and the fact that sex should be meaningful

CockyPants · 11/05/2012 18:13

This is why the country is going to les chiens. Why can't and don't parents just say NO to their children? Stop being their mates and start taking responsibility as a parent FFS.

timetosmile · 11/05/2012 18:18

er, age 14 and 'in a committed relationship for some time' are very uncomfortable bedfellows, I think. She's still a child.

Mrsjay · 11/05/2012 18:21

I have 2 dd dd2 is 14 I cant imagine her wanting to have sex , I kind of think teenagers grow up far to fast these days or am i just getting old ? some of the girls in DD2 year are 15 and look about 20 , im glad my Dds are immature tbh

AnyFucker · 11/05/2012 18:25

I would not be "laidback" about this either

oopsi · 11/05/2012 18:26

I am concerned about the parent leaving a 14/15 yo alone all night.That would be classed as neglect.
I

oopsi · 11/05/2012 18:28

Some of the replies on here are startlingly naive- 'forbid your 15 yo having sex?' yep like they are going to take notice of that.

Kayano · 11/05/2012 18:30

I'd rather be available to talk about contraception and safe sex in a safe environment than shriek NOOO and har them doing the dirty behind my back and feel she can't talk to me

Shrug

It's her daughter and presumably she knows what her reaction would be to just be shrieked at.

Butt out op

CockyPants · 11/05/2012 18:32

Oopsi. You're the parent. Parents grow a pair and make it clear what is and is not acceptable responsible legal behaviour. FFS.

BeeInMyBonnet · 11/05/2012 18:33

I would be worried too. My dd is coming up for 14 and I'd be very un-laidback.

I'm quite heartened to see others on here saying similar. I've seen that teen sex programme on tv Shock and it makes me feel old, and out of touch and scared for my dd tbh.

I want to be realistic and yet I just couldn't buy her a double bed at 15 and wave her offSad

MerylStrop · 11/05/2012 18:33

she's using contraception and presumably the boyfriend is generally ok?

it's not fabulous, but it's not the end of the world

as for leaving a 15 year old overnight being neglect....really? i mean, she can legally get married in a year's time. Again it's not brilliant for her.....perhaps it is good to have the boyfriend stay over

Kayano · 11/05/2012 18:36

I know having been 15 if my parents said no I would have done it anyway but been driven underground and secretive and in fact I was

Some of you seem amazingly naive to how a teenager will behave whether they have responsible parents or not.

NannyTutorAtLarge · 11/05/2012 18:37

Some people mature more quickly than others. I lost my virginity at 13 and was perfectly ready and capable of taking precautions as was my partner. I didn't and don't value myself any less as a result. That's why countries have different ages of consent - there's no magic moment when you are or aren't ready.

CockyPants · 11/05/2012 18:43

Simple really. parents need to put in the hard work showing their children the right way to go re drugs, sex, booze etc. Yes peer pressure kicks in, but you still have to parent properly and not just give in cos some other feral parent and child down the road thinks this is all ok. When it's NOT.

timetosmile · 11/05/2012 18:45

Kayano you're right, but what was (rightly) seen as an 'underground and secretive' activity when we were that age, is now portrayed by an aggressive media and 'right-on' culture as normative for increasingly young girls.

Hence the astonishing rise in STDs among the under 18's in the UK.

And the percpetion that the really mature girls who are deferring their first sexual activity (and thus their risk of unwanted pregnancy, STDs, coercion into sex) are seen as weird.

Sex is neither a biological neccessity (like breathing) nor something to be passively accepted as a healthy expression of affection beteween young teens, but that's what the culture and OPs friend are telling our daughters.

Yes, my DD may choose to have underage sex, and yes, I will have given her the knowledge to choose to have that 'safely' and be happy to talk openly with her as I do now about sex and relationships, but I'll continue to tell her that I think it's a really, really, really bad plan.