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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is very relaxed about 15 year old daughter having sex.

65 replies

ShutUpMeg · 11/05/2012 16:05

A while ago (when she was still 14) friend found a condom in daughters bedroom.

She has now found out that daughters boyfriend has been coming over when she's at work and when she stays out for the night leaving her in the house alone. The daughter has also asked for (and received) a double bed.

They're obviously having sex.

I asked how she felt about that and she shrugged her shoulders shyly and said she "doesn't want to interfere".

She's literally just turned 15. Am I an old prude then? I couldn't imagine being so laid back about this!

OP posts:
AceOfBase · 11/05/2012 18:45

I wouldnt leave a 15yo alone all night but I do think that at least the girl is being careful. She's nearly legal. What makes her a child now that changes in a few months to being old enough to have sex or get married? I realise I will get flamed for this but surely being at home with the boy is better than in the park or whatever?

Hownoobrooncoo · 11/05/2012 18:47

I wouldn't be laidback but it's difficult. Would I rather my daughter was having safe sex at 15 with her boyfriend in a relationship where hopefully there is love, trust and respect or be like me and lose it drunkenly at 21 on a one night stand where we just remembered to use a condom. It is difficult and I would struggle with it but I think there are worse things than a 15 yr old having sex with her boyfriend and being responsible about it. I'd have to be a parent in that situation.

monkeyfacegrace · 11/05/2012 18:47

Jesus, sex should be meaningful??! Lets be fair, sex is just something that when done carefullly is nothing more than fun and feels bloody good.

I lost my virginty at 13, was totally ready and was with the lad for 8 years. Im now 25 and have slept with 5 men, Im not a tramp, but I dont get all this 'cant have sex without emotion' stuff.

Maybe Im more emotionally cold than others, but sex is just a bit of fun.

Ive been married for 2 years, and sometimes we do make love [boak], but a lot of the time its just a satisfying shag.

HTH.

ItsAPublicForumWhine · 11/05/2012 18:48

I'm still waiting for the "statutory rape" talk to begin. How old's the boyf?

I don't think I'd be this relaxed.

Mayisout · 11/05/2012 18:48

If they are mature enough to have sex in your house they should also be mature enough to join in the family ie sit and have breakfast with parents and other siblings etc. and not skulk around at the dead of night and boyfriend constantly avoid parents. Also daughter should be mature enough to have honest discussion with parents about it. If they have a serious relationship which may be long term and it is all above board then they will show some consideration by eg not have raging sex within hearing of siblings and things should be fine.

ItsAPublicForumWhine · 11/05/2012 18:48

but a lot of the time its just a satisfying shag.

Grin
ImperialBlether · 11/05/2012 18:49

Why are people against parks and back alleys here? Some of the best times I've ever had have been there.

I wouldn't want my daughter in the house on her own overnight (not that I think her boyfriend being there is a good alternative for that) - I wouldn't dream of leaving her alone. Did she not think she was too young for that?

ShellyBoobs · 11/05/2012 18:51

I'm more concerned that OP's friend, "doesn't want to interfere", than I am that her dd is having sex.

Surely it's the parent's role "to interfere", regardless of whether she actually tries to stop her daughter having sex or not?

As someone else alluded to, parenting isn't about being a child's friend; it's about instilling values, setting rules and being supportive. Simply letting your child carry on as they like because you don't want to interfere is neglectful.

oiwheresthecoffee · 11/05/2012 18:56

Me too Imperial had some great sex in fields.

Incidently i was a vigin til i was 17. I wasnt very mature at all. I met other (younger) teenage girls at work when i was around 18 who when i look back think they were equally or more mature than i was at the time. Everyone is different.

oiwheresthecoffee · 11/05/2012 18:57

Although that said when i was 17 i made up for lost time very very quickly.

ImperialBlether · 11/05/2012 18:59

I think teenagers today lose a lot by having full sex so early. When I was young (old gimmer emoticon) you spent a long time just feeling each other up and snogging the life out of each other. It was bloody lovely. Boys had to make so much effort. I think (from what I hear) many of lost that fine art.

revolutionconfirmed · 11/05/2012 19:01

I wouldn't be happy but I'd be consoled in the fact they are practising safe sex in a safe environment too. I was having safe sex at 15 at home too (without my parents knowledge but I'm sure my mum knew(. We had had the talk, I was responsible, practising safe sex and with one partner. If mum had said no I would have found somewhere else.

LST · 11/05/2012 19:10

My mum knew I was sexually active at that age. She knew she couldn't stop me. So she'd prefer me doing it safely and knew where is was than anywhere.

Mrsjay · 11/05/2012 19:50

I couldnt shag somebody if i wasnt connected to them i dont see the point and i would probably get nothing out of it first real boyfriend sex was vile i was to young (at 17) and not ready and the experience wasnt great yet i still did it until we broke up 6 months later , some can seperate sex and emotion some cant ,

HandMadeTail · 11/05/2012 20:00

Maybe the mum said she "didn't want to interfere" because she didn't think it was really your business?

bugster · 11/05/2012 20:02

Ok, totally agree with those posters who say at least she's practising safe sex and at home, sure it would be worse in a park or alley without any protection.

But it is still too young. When you are 15 you are not mature enough to have a 'loving relationship'. It is better to mature first before you have sex. I can't help thinking that girls who are sexually active at a very young age will regret it in the future.

It is hard for girls these days with all the over sexualisation of children, easy access to porn etc. I also would be glad to have girls who are immature for their age compared to the average 14 year old now. Mine haven't hit the teenage years yet but I would not leave them on their own all night at 15 to have sex with a boy.

StrandedFuckingBear · 11/05/2012 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ragged · 11/05/2012 20:06

I am pretty laid back, & am resigned to the fact there's only so much I can control, but I'd be utterly horrified if it were my DD.

Makes me wonder if the girl is attention seeking. What does she have to do to get her mother to throw a wobbly?

whathasthecatdonenow · 11/05/2012 20:33

Unfortunately, from the POV of someone who deals with this a lot in school, it is the seemingly 'immature' girls that the older boys view as easy pickings.

If a 15 year old is going to have sex, she's going to have sex. You can tell them that you don't want them to, don't approve, why it is not a good idea etc but unless you handcuff them to you they are still going to be the ones making the decision.

carabos · 11/05/2012 21:13

A 14 year old in a "committed relationship"? I don't think so.

LST · 11/05/2012 21:22

I 100% don't regret my 1st time. And I enjoyed it too. I was in love with my boyfriend and we used to take it in turns to go to each others houses for Sunday dinner. I look back and remember fond memories. We are still friends now.

CockyPants · 11/05/2012 21:25

I'm loving the fact that 13 and 14 year olds are deemed 'mature'. Ok if they want to have the rights of an adult lets give them the responsibility adults have. So kids leave school get yourselves a job and start paying taxes. Think a lot of parents need to GROW UP themselves....no wonder UK teen pregnancy rate is so high.

chandellina · 11/05/2012 21:26

it's hard to know if the sex is right or wrong - it may well be the daughter is emotionally ready and having a wonderful first love affair. The problem is her mother and her fear of being an interfering parent - surely any parent is entitled to interfere in their own home. My children certainly won't be having sleepovers or (known) sex in the house until they are far older than that.

frumpet · 11/05/2012 22:05

Its a difficult one , all my friends when i was younger lost their virginity at 14/15 , they were all nice girls from nice families . I dont think their parents knew or if they did they pretended they didnt . I wouldnt be happy leaving a girl of that age on her own overnight , simply because im not sure i would of wanted to be alone at that age , although clearly she isnt 'alone'.

Birdsgottafly · 11/05/2012 22:37

Simple really

There isn't anything simple about the teenage years.

"throwing a wobbly" certainly won't help.

You can talk about the issues and tell them how to stay safe, but you cannot stop them. Some teens are more headstrong and you have to be careful not to cause them to rebel into even more destructive behaviour.

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