AIBU to have given up on this friend?

[PurpleSequinSparkles]

I'm not a mother, but the friend I'm describing has told me several times to ask other mothers to help me understand what she's going through. So I hope you can advise.

My friend has been a friend for over 15 years and help me a lot through personal issues of mine and she used to be the most fantastic supportive person. Five years ago she got married, had two little boys and was diagnosed with cancer. She became very angry and wouldn't talk to me about it, and when she did she was always very shouty at me, as though it was my fault she was ill.

She's always had me to stay for Christmas and Easter and my birthdays but last birthday she was very unpleasant to me when I came - she said she was very tired and in a lot of pain, but it massively upset me.

I rang her a few weeks later to ask her if I could come and stay again, and she told me that she was about to have more surgery (I don't know what - she hasn't told me) and that I could come and stay only if I was prepared to do all the housework. I told her that I didn't want to because I don't like her anger and because she never does anything for me. She shouted at me that I was being selfish.

So after my friend had had the surgery I told her that I don't want to know her any more. She said she doesn't want to discuss it until she's feeling better.

AIBU to have given up on her?

Is she BU to refuse to discuss it until she feels better?

Time to let go, OP. You need all your energy for you and your family. So sorry this 'friend' has upset you so much.

That's it Nervous - in reply to the 'OP' yes you are a selfish cow. Your lovely friend has enough on her plate without making your life easier for you. How about you do something for her - go and do her housework. Look after her dc. Maybe have her to stay with you, so that you can look after her - god knows she needs it.

Hope you are feeling ok, Breastmilk, you do have a lot on your plate without worrying about how this leech is feeling.

breastmilk whilst I admire your determination to keep things going with your friend who you've said in the past has MH issues, now isn't the time. You need the strength to get well again, not keep battling to save a relationship with a friend who is at best very hard work.

Thanks, all of you. I'm still appalled by my own deceptiveness in having posted this in the first place... but thank you for the support you've provided despite the way I've gone about this.

I think you're right... time to let go. But... OMG easier said than done: I'm really not always usually the cold-hearted sarky snarky bitch I make myself out to be on MN and I care about the girl so much... without disclosing her own story, she really has nobody but me in her life, not even a family. I cannot bear the thought of her alone at Christmas.

But other mutual friends, people who have witnessed both sides of the story, have offered their support to her, as have members of my own family. And she does know where to find them, I suppose.

Breastmilk (actually ponder breast milk latte...wish I had some saved) - anyway - Seriously my love if this was on relationships and was about a spouse there would be a resounding leave the bastard. Because you should. Because she's broken and won't be fixed and you have more important priorities right now.

Narcs will syphon off every scrap of enerygy, generosity, affection, attention you give them and still feel hard done by. You need every scrap of that precious energy juice for you and your family and healing and all of that.

Quite frankly my dear she should cop on then fuck off. But she wont cop on so she just needs to be jettisoned. She will moan and cry and whinge and be a victim either way but one way means you won't have to hear it.

You know what too? You are not responsible for an ADULT! You are responsible for you and your children, DH can take care of himself but is really important. She loves it that you are so caring and generous - she has other offers of support but she sticks with you, why? She is a grown woman that has the opportunity to build a support network but won't, why? Because you're stopping her hitting the deck. She quite possibly needs to in her own best interest. You though don't need to be responsible for this. Possibly detaching somewhat will make it easier...unless you want your dreadfully important surgery to be about her and your recovery to be about her and your test results to be about her...and the people caring for you in recovery to be looking after her. TBH whether she's diagnosed or not (she might just be a huge, selfish jerk) it's time to wind her neck in now and take some responsibilty.

That is quite cross isn't it...I was pretty pissed about the bait and switch..then I was pissed about the friend. And some bugger ate my kitkat. Sorry OP. But my answer wont be different it will just be made more flowery and cuddly. You get cuddles though and my very best wishes and luck and everything for a stressful time.

Just keep telling yourself - "She's not my friend, and she's not my responsibility".

Excellent post, NicNocJnr. And good advice from WhereYouLeftIt. And hey, don't feel so bad about doing the reverse, it's obviously something you are really struggling with, because you're a good person. Time to reign in the guilt, it's being used against you. And you need the energy for bigger priorities now. Take care!

Your friend sounds extremely selfish and you are better off without her draining your energy.

You always find out who your true friends are when the going gets tough. OP this person isnt one of them.

breastmilk why the hell did you ring that ,'friend', seriously yoiu are best off without her, and on your own' She is no friend at all. Friends are meant to make you happy, meant to help you and take you as you are. They are meant to be there for your, but this person does not

Just drop her for gods sake. You don't have to be friends with anyone you don't want to be.