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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my ex to realise I can't drive for 6 weeks after having elcs??

72 replies

Loonybun · 10/05/2012 10:19

Arggghhh! I am so fucked off.

(Disclaimer - I am 35 weeks pregnant and hormonal so maybe I am being more angry about this than I might normally be, I don't know...)

I have a dd aged 9 with my ex. We live in Suffolk. He lives in South London. Every other weekend he has dd for the weekend.

One of these weekends dd stays with him and his mum and dad at his mum and dads in Suffolk (one of the reasons I moved this way - when I moved 5 years ago he wasn't particularly interested in seeing dd - used to be only an hour on a Friday!!- but his mum and dad were, so I moved here so if he did want to have dd he could have them at their house, which is what's happened once a month).... I drive dd there on the Friday and do the return journey on the Sunday (which seems unfair to me as they should be doing one of these journey's but I can't be arsed to argue anymore)..

The other weekend he has her in London, from Friday to Sunday. He comes to pick her up on the train and take her back on Friday and I drive down and do the return journey on the Sunday.

Key points - ex does not drive. My dh doesn't drive. I am the only driver. The train services between here and there are awful on a Sunday (which is our day to travel to dd), when I used to use the train it meant leaving at 10am and enduring 4 changes including 2 bus rides and getting back at 10pm with dd. Driving takes me 5 hours all in all. Ex is 35 but lives like a teenager, he has a girlfriend overseas that he travels to see every few weeks and basically lives the high life spending lots on travel (even though I have to argue with him to get the monthly maintenance for dd - I could never take him to CSA as he owns his own company and gets mainly paid cash in hand so I could end up getting less!) When in the UK he lives in a horrible bedsit in a house shared with about 5 other people. Dd doesn't like staying with him in London as she says his house is "dirty and noisy" etc, although she does love her dad and I'm pleased they have a good bond etc etc.

I am due with ds in 4 weeks time by elective c section due to previous birth trauma (incidentally that ex witnessed with dd so you'd think he'd be more understanding!!).

I have contacted my ex and explained that I don't mean to be unreasonable but I won't be able to do the London return journey from now (due to risk of going into labour in London and dh being stuck in Suffolk and unable to get down, plus the fact I have a phobia of giving birth naturally and my elcs is booked in up here and may not be transferable to a busy, overcrowded London maternity ward!!) until when ds is born. And then obviously I won't be able to drive for 6 weeks afterwards - I realise some people do drive earlier than this but I don't want him to put pressure on me.

And now he's moaning at me saying "so now I'm stuck up there- nice!" and generally being a twat!

I've said to him I don't have a problem with him having her in London as such but I just can't do the return journey!

Also, obviously I won't be able to drive dd back and forwards to his mum and dads - there are no trains that go there - he gets a train to the nearest place 30 miles away and his dad picks him up and brings him back to theirs - incidentally there is a direct train from London to our train station 5 mins walk away from our house so I don't understand why he can't come here and his dad pick him and dd up and take them both home!! His mum and dad both drive and both have cars so I don't see why they can't do half the journey and my mum has very kindly offered to go half the journey... SO basically what I am saying is that he can still see dd all his usual weekends but I just can't drive!!

I'm getting really stressed and fed up with all this. It's not what I need right now. I just need to know I'm not being a total bitch because this is how he's making me feel right now.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 10/05/2012 10:23

he can't make you feel anything. Just tell him you can't and don't enter into any discussion about it.

You are unavailable for driving for the next 12 weeks, end of story. Stop trying to justify yourself.

LittleWhiteMice · 10/05/2012 10:23

your not being a bitch at all, its not ideal but its just a few weeks.

skype?

NomNomNom · 10/05/2012 10:25

No, you're not being a bitch. You have to look after your health and sanity. You're not saying he can't see DD during this time, you're simply telling him he needs to arrange his own transport. It's not too much to ask.
Put your foot down, it's fine.

manicbmc · 10/05/2012 10:25

Tell him it's tough. You can't physically do it. If he wants to see his dd he'll have to make the effort (as will his parents).

Treblesallround · 10/05/2012 10:27

Not in the slightest bit unreasonable. Just say you can't drive and let him make the arrangements

bigjoeent · 10/05/2012 10:27

Your're not a bitch, he is being an arse. I've had 2 ECS and you cannot drive. You won't be insured and it takes a bit to get over it, its abdominal surgery for gods sake.

Try showing him the literature on it if you're not having any luck but he sounds as though he needs to grow up and get off his backside. It sounds like you get on with his parents well, could they explain it to him as well?

Good luck with it, although it takes a while to get over a CS I didn't find it too bad and the painkillers work. Make sure you have back up for the first couple of weeks.

Good luck

DonInKillerHeels · 10/05/2012 10:28

You know you're not being unreasonable. It is what it is, and he will just have to suck it up. Be polite, be firm - you actually can't do anything about this.

Original poster

Loonybun · 10/05/2012 10:28

Thanks. I don't know why I let him bother me like this. He always makes me feel like I'm a terrible person trying to stop him seeing dd! It's not like I have a baby every year!

I appreciate the replies.

We have stopped talking about it now. He's gone into a sulk about it now which is fine at least he's not going on anymore.

I feel sorry for dd as well as she has a school disco she really wants to go to and I've asked him if I can bring her round the following day (it's in the evening) as it falls on his weekend at his mums but he's in a huff about that too! What about what dd wants?

I wish he'd learn to drive then it would sort all this sort of thing out. It's so ridiculous.

OP posts:

bigjoeent · 10/05/2012 10:29

Just to clarify I was told, couldn't find the basis for it but told by MV / Obs consultants that you aren't insured for 6 weeks post CS.

Original poster

Loonybun · 10/05/2012 10:30

Thank you for the advice about the elcs as well by the way. I'm lucky in that dh has booked 3 weeks off work to help out and my mum lives 5 mins away from us if we need her help... But I realise I will be in pain and certainly won't be able to drive!

OP posts:

griphook · 10/05/2012 10:35

Don't stress too much, at the end of the day he has chosen not to learn to drive, that means he has to use public transport, that's his problem not yours. I'm the only driver on one side of my family, people seem to think that means I'm a cab or a fetcher and carrier, I get the constant comment that it's quicker for me cos you drive! Grrrrr doesn't mean it's not inconvenient for me though

GrahamTribe · 10/05/2012 10:37

With a straightforward elective section the chances are that you'll be back to normal and driving long before 6 weeks are up (I was), but that's not the point. You may not feel up to it and your ex just needs to bloody well accept it. Stop feeling guilty, it's his problem, not yours, you've stated your case and now he has to find a solution. Just refuse to have any more debate on the matter.

eurochick · 10/05/2012 10:40

The parents seem to be the answer here. They are his parents. They drive. If they wanted to, they could facilitate him seeing his daughter. And this might be a way to break the (unfair) habit of you doing so much of the dropping off and picking up in future.

BTW, surely this is going to be a problem for a while because a drive of that length isn't going to be easy with a newborn who wants feeding often and can't be in the car seat for long? He really needs to find a medium term solution. Notice I say "he". This really isn't your problem.

Original poster

Loonybun · 10/05/2012 10:43

Thanks... I suppose the thing is I MIGHT be okay as you say but I might not be... I have no idea of how complicated or not things might be. I've been lucky in that I've been in generally very good health in this pregnancy (unlike with dd where I had nearly every complication going!) so it SHOULD be a straightforward elcs but who knows.

OP posts:

treadwarily · 10/05/2012 10:44

About the insurance, it depends on your insurer. Mine was fine as long as dr said ok and dr said "fine when you feel ready" which was 3 weeks.

But that's really neither here nor there, is it, you're upset because you have a huge event in your life and you are being riled by your ex.

Here's the thing about exes, they stay being annoying, that's why they're your ex. They never "understand" or "sympathise" or "help", they don't put the children's needs first, they are just the same annoying men we ditched.

So tell him the situation with the driving/non driving and the rest is up to him. He can grumble as much as he likes, don't listen or pay any attention. You have quite enough else to do.

All the best with your cs

Herrena · 10/05/2012 10:46

If he's that much of a teenager then he's never going to take the trouble to acquire an actual useful skill like driving I'm afraid! Until/unless someone embarrasses him into it...

You are not being remotely unreasonable. Ignore him, he sounds like an arse.

kelly2525 · 10/05/2012 10:47

Loonybun Nothing to do with the driving problem, but just read your 'I realise I'll be in pain' comment.

You won't be, I was so surprised that I had no pain at all after my c section, after the numbness wore off I kept waiting for pain, but it never happened, a bit uncomfortable and a bit of a tight feeling but honestly no pain.

I think they give you enough painkillers in the spinal block to pacify an elephant for a week.

solidgoldbrass · 10/05/2012 10:49

If his parents are reasonable, chat to them and see if they can kick his arse into shape. But don't stress too much about what he says: you are right, he is wrong so bollocks to his feelings about it.

GrahamTribe · 10/05/2012 10:49

eutochick, good point. Why are you going to such an effort, Loonybun? Surely if he wants to see your daughter he should be the one doing the travelling, not you. I'm not so sure about the baby not being able to be in a car seat for long but nonetheless there's no reason why Loony should be carrying out this particular journey at all.

BTW, I misread the OP and thought that Loony was saying that it takes her 5 hours to get from Suffolk to South London. I was just going to ask what pedal car she drives.

BikeRunSki · 10/05/2012 10:50

YANBU, but tbh I didn't realise that I wouldn't be able to drive after a CS until someone told me after my emcs. In fact, after my second emcs I could barely walk for 9 weeks and was uncomfortable as a passenger above 30 mph or so for quite a lot of that time.

GrahamTribe · 10/05/2012 10:53

Bike, I've only ever had an elective section so don't quote me on this but going on everything I've read and those I've spoken to the chances of an easy recovery like mine and like Kelly's are far greater with an elective rather than an emergency OP so stop scaring Loony!

GrahamTribe · 10/05/2012 10:55

Hey, I need caffeine. I was trying to say "emergency op", not emergency OP of course. The OP is not an emergency.

Original poster

Loonybun · 10/05/2012 10:58

:) no pedal car but nearly as good - a small 12 year old banger with a 900cc engine.. haha! Looking to replace this very soon... :) ...

You're right of course. I do wonder why I go to all this effort in the first place. It's just the way it's been for years and years now. When I moved up here he kicked up such a stink about it all that I agreed I'd help him out with half the travelling...

Our relationship was a nightmare (he used to go to the pub everyday after work from 3-10pm while I was at home with dd and spent all our rent money on fruit machines) so I was the one who left him when dd was 6 months old... I don't think either him or his parents have completely forgiven me for this to be honest and it's caused a lot of trouble.... My dh was nothing to do with the split by the way, we've only been together the last few years.

When the baby is here I am intending to leave him with my mum for the 5 hours it takes me to do the return trip to London one sunday a month... I am going to formula feed so it won't be an issue with the feeding. I have no idea whether this is going to actually "work" but that's the idea... Also hopefully dh will have more sundays off by then too, so he can stay with ds.

OP posts:

Melindaaa · 10/05/2012 11:02

Of course you anbu, but fwiw, I wAs driving 6 days after my section.

Original poster

Loonybun · 10/05/2012 11:26

Thank you for the reassurances about the elcs.. I am in all honesty petrified about the whole thing but less so than I would be about having a natural birth ... so I'm just crossing all my fingers and toes and hoping it's better than my expectations!

Thanks so much to everyone for replying.

OP posts:

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