To expect my ex to realise I can't drive for 6 weeks after having elcs??

[Loonybun]

Arggghhh! I am so fucked off.

(Disclaimer - I am 35 weeks pregnant and hormonal so maybe I am being more angry about this than I might normally be, I don't know...)

I have a dd aged 9 with my ex. We live in Suffolk. He lives in South London. Every other weekend he has dd for the weekend.

One of these weekends dd stays with him and his mum and dad at his mum and dads in Suffolk (one of the reasons I moved this way - when I moved 5 years ago he wasn't particularly interested in seeing dd - used to be only an hour on a Friday!!- but his mum and dad were, so I moved here so if he did want to have dd he could have them at their house, which is what's happened once a month).... I drive dd there on the Friday and do the return journey on the Sunday (which seems unfair to me as they should be doing one of these journey's but I can't be arsed to argue anymore)..

The other weekend he has her in London, from Friday to Sunday. He comes to pick her up on the train and take her back on Friday and I drive down and do the return journey on the Sunday.

Key points - ex does not drive. My dh doesn't drive. I am the only driver. The train services between here and there are awful on a Sunday (which is our day to travel to dd), when I used to use the train it meant leaving at 10am and enduring 4 changes including 2 bus rides and getting back at 10pm with dd. Driving takes me 5 hours all in all. Ex is 35 but lives like a teenager, he has a girlfriend overseas that he travels to see every few weeks and basically lives the high life spending lots on travel (even though I have to argue with him to get the monthly maintenance for dd - I could never take him to CSA as he owns his own company and gets mainly paid cash in hand so I could end up getting less!) When in the UK he lives in a horrible bedsit in a house shared with about 5 other people. Dd doesn't like staying with him in London as she says his house is "dirty and noisy" etc, although she does love her dad and I'm pleased they have a good bond etc etc.

I am due with ds in 4 weeks time by elective c section due to previous birth trauma (incidentally that ex witnessed with dd so you'd think he'd be more understanding!!).

I have contacted my ex and explained that I don't mean to be unreasonable but I won't be able to do the London return journey from now (due to risk of going into labour in London and dh being stuck in Suffolk and unable to get down, plus the fact I have a phobia of giving birth naturally and my elcs is booked in up here and may not be transferable to a busy, overcrowded London maternity ward!!) until when ds is born. And then obviously I won't be able to drive for 6 weeks afterwards - I realise some people do drive earlier than this but I don't want him to put pressure on me.

And now he's moaning at me saying "so now I'm stuck up there- nice!" and generally being a twat!

I've said to him I don't have a problem with him having her in London as such but I just can't do the return journey!

Also, obviously I won't be able to drive dd back and forwards to his mum and dads - there are no trains that go there - he gets a train to the nearest place 30 miles away and his dad picks him up and brings him back to theirs - incidentally there is a direct train from London to our train station 5 mins walk away from our house so I don't understand why he can't come here and his dad pick him and dd up and take them both home!! His mum and dad both drive and both have cars so I don't see why they can't do half the journey and my mum has very kindly offered to go half the journey... SO basically what I am saying is that he can still see dd all his usual weekends but I just can't drive!!

I'm getting really stressed and fed up with all this. It's not what I need right now. I just need to know I'm not being a total bitch because this is how he's making me feel right now.

:) oh I LOVE mark corrigan ( peep show right?!) Haha ...

But my dh is learning to drive. He actually did an intensive at the same time as me but I passed and he didn't :( so he's having lessons at the moment to pass... So hopefully I won't be the only driver much longer!

And my choice to bottle feed has nothing to do with the driving situation- iforumla fed dd and breastfeeding ds is just not something I am interested in or would consider anyway. But of course I wouldn't let the driving issue be part of this decision.

I am due to take dd to her nannies for the weekend later on today so I will try and talk to them about it then. I am hoping her nanny will be more understanding than her dad as I know her dad was a c section baby.
I am tempted to try and change the whole driving to london thing but I suppose what worries me is that I have consulted a solicitor about this before and she suggests splitting the travel arrangements is fair as I was the one who decided to move.... Sigh. Hmmm!?

Thanks for the replies.

Yes BUT you have now done years of extra driving and you have done your penance. It is his turn.

The thing is, you could harm yourself by driving after a section. And, unless your insurance says otherwise, you will not be insured to drive so there is no way around this. He will just have to suck it up.

Would he expect you to drive if you'd just been diagnosed with epilepsy or something else that made driving impossible?

Is there really a difference between and elc and emergency cs? I had an emergency cs and I was in agony for at least a month - but surely it's not because it was an emergency - it's the same operation surely?

Give it a go - depending on the degree of urgency, the gentleness of a cs can affect how you heal. DS was an emergency as in "needs to be done sometime soon, let's go scrub up", but there was time to ease the muscles apart and carry everything out gently and i recovered quickly and easily. DD's heart stopped when I was in labour and she was, in the words of the surgeon, "a real slash and grab job". My recovery was much longer and slower, and it was nit just because I was three years older.

Don't try to justify yourself to him, he wants to make you feel guilty and to manipulate you. I'm assuming he wasn't husband of the year when you were with him?

Just tell him from X date to X date he will have to travel himself if he wants to see your DD and then ignore his moaning. Don't reply to his texts or emails and if he moans on the phone, simply put the phone down. You don't have to put up with his childish behaviour.

I wouldn't even bother trying to second guess how early you might be ready to drive. All he needs to know is that from x to x - as Hexagonal saysis that you will not be physically able to drive. End of. No discussion. You will be having major abdominal surgery. That it doesn't suit him is his problem entirely and not yours. Tell him that and leave it there.

What a tiny little child your ex sounds, good on you for ditching him!

I seem to be in the minority here but despite being fit & healthy and having a straightforward elcs I didn't feel up to driving - very far - for 8 weeks after as it just 'pulled' too much @ felt pretty incomfortabme & painful. When you do drive or are a passenger remember to keep a pillow on the car to put between you & the seatbelt to protect your tummy area.

Hope your DH passes his test soon...! And best of luck with the new baby.

I agree with everyone else - let him whine as much as he likes, he needs to make alternative travel arrangements and learn to drive. What I would say though is that his parents need to do one half of the journey on their weekend, as you shouldn't be doing it all. Have them pick her up at the start of the weekend, then you collect her at the end. Tell them now that this is what will happen once you have another child to look after, so if they want to see DD they'll have to make the effort to pick her up at x time on x day. And don't let them make you feel guilty or lay the emotional blackmail on you. You do too much at the moment, time for them (and their useless son) to step up.

Do you currenlty work? I only as as my SIL was in pretty much your a situation a few years ago. She has a ds from a previous relationship and used to drive a 160mile round trip to collect him every Sunday, his dad collected him on a Friday night (he works 30miles form their house so a collection of 110miles).

When SIL went on maternity leave she was on reduced pay and with a new baby her 'disposable' income was reduced too. HEr ex argued that it was tough she would have to find the money from somewhere and that her choice to have a baby should not affect him (no mention of their ds). It went to court some months later and the judge decided that as her ex had almost 70% more disposable income and no other dependants that he was to bear the financial responsibility. This can be reviewed should either situation change.

I realise you have said your ex is paid cash in hand a lot... call the tax man!

The obvious solution is the one you have outlined. He travels on direct train to you and his parents collect him and DD. You could offer to buy his train ticket every other time to split cost of travel fairly. When you are ok to drive after c section you could offer to collect DH from station and get his parents to drop her back on Sun. He can then get train back from theirs or yours whichever is easier.

I agree with those who say use baby's arrival to make permanent changes to your set up. The big benefit with this plan is that DD gets to see her Dad but doesn't have to travel all the way to London to stay in a house she doesn't like.

I know it's hard because your DD loves her dad, but you need to stop pandering to him, especially as she doesn't particularly like going to his London place - and that's only going to be worse as she gets older - sharing with all those other people won't be ideal for her at all; does she have her own room there?
And when you have a newborn/baby/toddler, you really won't want/be able to do all that travelling, it's ridiculous!
You also now need to ask his parents to share the travelling load. You've done it for years and now it's their turn to help out. Don't be confrontational, just point out how hard it is for you now.

You've more than done your bit, it's their turn now!

Agree with the others.....stop all the driving!
If he wants to see dd then it's up to him to sort his travel arrangements out!

I think you're right about the insurance. But at the end of the day that's not the issue is it? You're having a baby! Well or not, you have another little creature who will be top of your priority list! He can start working out an alternative solution; alternatively your daughter can miss a visit or two. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about- he should be thinking of how he can help look after his daughter!!!

Thank you everyone. You've all confirmed what I was thinking - that he is indeed a selfish so and so...

I think the difficulty is that (probably my own fault) this has been going on sooooo long now (years) and it's almost ingrained in him and his parents that this is the way things are... I know if I suggest a long term stop to me doing the London driving etc then it would be like tipping up the apple cart and dancing on the apples for all of eternity... Hmmm.

Do you think if he went to a solicitor about it they would say I'm being unreasonable if I refused to do the London driving anymore? I am worried they might say that as that's always been what we've done then I'm not being reasonable.....

I do work (16 hours a week minimum wage) but I am currently on maternity leave and obviously will be for at least the next 6 - 12 months. Part of the issue with the money is that he gives me £200 a month (cheque) that I use some of for petrol money towards the driving.. I don't mention this to him but I think if I refuse to do the driving he might attempt to reduce the amount he pays saying it's costing him more in travel.... And as I said I can't take him to the CSA as he'd just turn around and say he earns minimum wage and I'd be stuffed... (When in fact I don't think he does, he must earn a reasonable amount to be jetting off to the USA every few weeks for 2 weeks at a time!) We rely on his £200 a month to make ends meet as my dh is on a low wage (we have tax credits etc etc). The money issue is another bug bear - he refuses to pay me by standing order despite me asking many times so basically it's a case of me nagging him non stop as the due date approaches until he gives me the cheque.. He is often a week late in payment but if I question him he says "when have I ever not paid??" and gets arsey. It's not that he HASN'T paid, he's just bloody late!! And I shouldn't have to chase him!!

You're right dd would be very happy not to have to go to London again. She doesn't have her own room there. Infact, she doesn't even have her own bed (not even a blow up bed!).. She shares with her dad, fair enough (although part of me just feels annoyed about this too, how much does a blow up bed cost for fucks sake) and they share the bed together. She seems okay with this except that she says she doesn't sleep well as he snores!! And she hates all the people in and out of the house... They're not horrible people, mainly just young (in their early 20's) and into going out a lot etc. So it's noisy.. A bit like a student house. Not ideal for a dd who is nearly 9 to be sharing on the one weekend a month when she sees her dad in London....

Having said this however, and to be fair, he does make an effort to do nice things with her in London - the last time she was down there he took her all round the Tower of London as she's learning about the tudors at school and the time before that he took her to the theatre on his own (although because of his job this was actually free but fair enough, she enjoyed herself so that's all that matters). But no, she doesn't like the house.

He did used to have a fiance for about 2 years and they owned a house together where dd had her own room - due to the fiance making the effort to decorate it and sort it out for her, not her dad- but her dad left the fiance and moved back into this house share which is where he was originally after I made him move out! (All his friends live there!) He doesn't seem to have any plans to move out from here or get his own place - he seems to think it's fine as it is.... !

I have really reached the end of my tether with all the travelling and I'd really like to put my foot down and say "no more". Most of you seem to think I'd be within my rights to do this... I don't know what's stopping me. I guess I'm scared of the guilt trips that will come after I've said it!!

I drove after two weeks with all three of my sections two were emergency! You are insured I rang and asked, the mw and everyone else were happy as long as I was!

Just to add if he is a dick I would not go out of my way to do I'm any favours!

I should imagine a solicitor would see you've been more than reasonable up to now and if he even attempted to take it to court they'd laugh him back out and tell him to pull his finger out and make an effort. You've been more reasonable than a lot of people would have been in your situation and they're taking advantage.

How soon you can drive after a CS is irrelevant in this situation - you shouldn't be doing all the driving for his benefit, anyway. He's taking the piss and he needs to sort himself out!

He needs to man up and sort himself out. Not just the dependence on you for driving, but also to make his living circumstances more suitable for his daughter's visits. She will soon be hitting puberty and wanting more privacy. I was wearing a bra at 10 and having periods at 11, and some of my friends started at 9. She won't want to be sharing a room or a bed with her dad when those changes happen, I would warrant.

Honestly, I would go and see a solicitor - first consultations are usually free. I'm pretty sure the money you get is to support DD, not to buy petrol to enable her Dad to see her, for example. And even on minimum wage, £50 pw sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

If a solicitor's appt seems too much at the moment, why not post in legal - just what you've put in your last post?

The cheque thing is going to be fantastic for you if this is taken any further by him. Every single one of them can be traced back to his account, they would ask some seriously probing questions as to where he has been getting £200 a month from if he suddenly cries 'minimum wage' and I'm sure the threat of an investigation would shut the idiot up straight away, especially hairy with his jaunts over the pond.

Also think that it's time the poor little mite was bought a bed by him too, I would have plainly refused to go to my dads if this was the only option at that age (my mum and dad split when I was 6 months), she will be going through changes in the next couple of years (my daughter was 9) so not ideal for her at all.

I can't believe how selfish some people are. Good luck to you, you sound like a fantastic mum :)