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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my ex to realise I can't drive for 6 weeks after having elcs??

72 replies

Loonybun · 10/05/2012 10:19

Arggghhh! I am so fucked off.

(Disclaimer - I am 35 weeks pregnant and hormonal so maybe I am being more angry about this than I might normally be, I don't know...)

I have a dd aged 9 with my ex. We live in Suffolk. He lives in South London. Every other weekend he has dd for the weekend.

One of these weekends dd stays with him and his mum and dad at his mum and dads in Suffolk (one of the reasons I moved this way - when I moved 5 years ago he wasn't particularly interested in seeing dd - used to be only an hour on a Friday!!- but his mum and dad were, so I moved here so if he did want to have dd he could have them at their house, which is what's happened once a month).... I drive dd there on the Friday and do the return journey on the Sunday (which seems unfair to me as they should be doing one of these journey's but I can't be arsed to argue anymore)..

The other weekend he has her in London, from Friday to Sunday. He comes to pick her up on the train and take her back on Friday and I drive down and do the return journey on the Sunday.

Key points - ex does not drive. My dh doesn't drive. I am the only driver. The train services between here and there are awful on a Sunday (which is our day to travel to dd), when I used to use the train it meant leaving at 10am and enduring 4 changes including 2 bus rides and getting back at 10pm with dd. Driving takes me 5 hours all in all. Ex is 35 but lives like a teenager, he has a girlfriend overseas that he travels to see every few weeks and basically lives the high life spending lots on travel (even though I have to argue with him to get the monthly maintenance for dd - I could never take him to CSA as he owns his own company and gets mainly paid cash in hand so I could end up getting less!) When in the UK he lives in a horrible bedsit in a house shared with about 5 other people. Dd doesn't like staying with him in London as she says his house is "dirty and noisy" etc, although she does love her dad and I'm pleased they have a good bond etc etc.

I am due with ds in 4 weeks time by elective c section due to previous birth trauma (incidentally that ex witnessed with dd so you'd think he'd be more understanding!!).

I have contacted my ex and explained that I don't mean to be unreasonable but I won't be able to do the London return journey from now (due to risk of going into labour in London and dh being stuck in Suffolk and unable to get down, plus the fact I have a phobia of giving birth naturally and my elcs is booked in up here and may not be transferable to a busy, overcrowded London maternity ward!!) until when ds is born. And then obviously I won't be able to drive for 6 weeks afterwards - I realise some people do drive earlier than this but I don't want him to put pressure on me.

And now he's moaning at me saying "so now I'm stuck up there- nice!" and generally being a twat!

I've said to him I don't have a problem with him having her in London as such but I just can't do the return journey!

Also, obviously I won't be able to drive dd back and forwards to his mum and dads - there are no trains that go there - he gets a train to the nearest place 30 miles away and his dad picks him up and brings him back to theirs - incidentally there is a direct train from London to our train station 5 mins walk away from our house so I don't understand why he can't come here and his dad pick him and dd up and take them both home!! His mum and dad both drive and both have cars so I don't see why they can't do half the journey and my mum has very kindly offered to go half the journey... SO basically what I am saying is that he can still see dd all his usual weekends but I just can't drive!!

I'm getting really stressed and fed up with all this. It's not what I need right now. I just need to know I'm not being a total bitch because this is how he's making me feel right now.

OP posts:

PinkSpottyBag · 10/05/2012 11:33

I have not read the whole thread, but I have had 3 electives and was driving insured after all within 2 weeks, depends how well you heal really. I would have gone crazy if I hadn't been out and about before 6 weeks, but see how you feel and don't put yourself under pressure. Hope the elective goes well, all of mine were lovely

WilsonFrickett · 10/05/2012 11:40

It's one thing 'driving to the nice park 2 miles away' with the new baby and quite another 'driving 5 hours up and down to London' though. So while I absolutely don't think you should be worried about being housebound after your section, you are quite right to give yourself the option not to sit in the car for that amount of time. That's a very different thing to ask of a newly stiched abdomen.

samandi · 10/05/2012 11:59

Depends how many brain cells your ex has I suppose.

scarletforya · 10/05/2012 12:07

Bloody hell, stop indulging the whinging baby (your ex)

If he wants to see his daughter he needs to get off his lazy arse and orgsanise it himself. He's had it too easy too long, don't mollycoddle him any more!

And now he's moaning at me saying "so now I'm stuck up there- nice!" and generally being a twat!

He's stuck because he's a 35 year old baby that can't drive or manage trains. It's no-ones fault but his own. It's not your problem. It's his. Cheeky fucker.

havingabath · 10/05/2012 12:17

Not only are you not being UR he is being a huge twat.

They sort it, it is their problem and there are viable solutions.

Even if well and why rush recovery to compensate for their lack of will. What about baby? I would have no wish to do lots of driving with a little baby. Not all are good travellers, I had one that just yelled and journeys were hello. Ten mins was like an hour.

They need a contingency plan whilst you get maternity leave:)

ImperialBlether · 10/05/2012 12:18

You are enabling his parents and him.

If they want to see your daughter, they should put some effort in.

Never mind whether his parents have forgiven you or not - surely to god they can see their son is a useless partner? Do they really think you should have put up with such bad behaviour? If they do, they aren't friends of yours.

madmouse · 10/05/2012 12:25

YANBU. You are doing a fab job for your dd ensuring she sees her dad (contact is for her not for him after all) but in these circumstances you simply can't do what you normally do and it's up to him to be creative for a while. You're not a taxi service on a contract, it's not your job to provide a replacement.

Jenny70 · 10/05/2012 12:55

He's being a baby, he can get the train to you, ask his parents to collect them both - or hire a B&B for the night if he wants to stay local (and not have nightmare return trip on sunday).

Is it possible to do a Monday morning trip return, an early start, but sometimes works better than Sunday transport? But he may need (shock horror) to take half a day off on Monday to do the return trip.

And for what it's worth, I'd be not offering to return to the previous arrangements anytime soon - formula fed or not, I'd be saying it's not suitable, you've done it for XX years, your duty is done. Ball's in his park to sort it.

As for the disco, unless he wants to stay local, or his parents will take/collect her that weekend then I'd say she has to miss it. But put onus on ex to tell her and explain why it won't work - that's his weekend, his responsibility... he's not a weekend childminder, he's her dad who might need to do stuff that's for her, not about him.

Booboostoo · 10/05/2012 13:20

Chances are you will be able to drive sooner than 6 weeks after an ELCS, I had no pain with mine and could drive no problem, however your ex is a monumental twat! Making arrangements to see his DD is his responsibility and I am surprised you help him out so much on a regular basis. Tell him to sort himself out and stop stressing you!

lazylula · 10/05/2012 13:30

I have had 3 sections, one emergency 2 elective. All three were different. After ds2 (first elective) I most probably could have driven earlier than the 6 weeks but after dd (second elective) was still in a lot of discomfort, probably due to scar tissue though, so yanbu. If h wishes to see his dd then he will need to arrange something for himself not rel on you for his period o time.

Loie159 · 10/05/2012 13:43

YANBU he is..... but Im sure you already know this. Do not engage with him emotionally regarding this. It is not appropriate for a heavily pregnant woman to drive on her own miles away from DH and home if she does not feel able to. after cs you are legally not allowed to drive until you have had your 6 weeks check. And this is the same for all major ops... you cannot drive for a specified period until your specailisit / surgeon etc confirms you can. it is nothing to do with having a baby it is a medical recommendation for all surgery! Your insurer wont cover you. And if you are bf how are you meant to drive with a very young baby for hours.

If he had an operation or god forbid was injurerd or had something terrible like cancer, you wouldnt make a big fuss about how inconveneint it was that soemthing awful had happedned to him, so why is having a baby any different?

Tell him you cannot drive and that you still want him to see DD and therefore he will need to make his own plans.... end of..... dont discuss it nay further - you most certainly to not have to explain yourself to him when you are about to give birth for gods sake! what an idiot. Good luck with baby 2 and dotn let him stress you out

Shutupanddrive · 10/05/2012 13:59

Of course YANBU! And even if you could drive, you will be tired from looking after your newborn baby and will not want to be away from him for hours at a time. Let him make his own arrangements.

ratspeaker · 10/05/2012 15:17

I'd make the suggestion that he makes the train trip to yours then gets his dad to pick them up and stay at the ex ILs
I'd contact the ex Ils suggesting the same thing
If they say no then its now all their problem.
Then try and keep that as the access arrangement to save you having to drive with a newborn/young baby, save your Dd staying in a house she doesnt like.

DartsAgain · 10/05/2012 15:45

Loie159 You are legally allowed to drive your car at ANY time after a c-section. All you need to do is to check with your insurer as to what their preference is to ensure cover. I was able to drive after 2 weeks. All my insurer wanted to know was a) had my Dr OKd it and b) was I able to perform an emergency stop.

My Dr told me to drive when I felt ready.

AllYoursBabooshka · 10/05/2012 16:02

YANBU.

I would actually use this situation as a platform for a more permanent change. It's time you stopped catering to his needs.

He needs to be reminded that you have been doing him a favor up until now and that your life has changed, He now needs to be responsible for his own visits with DD.

He will work it out, Hes a grown man and if he can travel across the world to visit his GF without your assistance then he can travel to visit his DD too.

HansieMom · 10/05/2012 16:04

This would be a good time to stop the extra driving you are doing for him,i.e. It is too much for you to handle now that you have a baby. It's his turn now! Time to grow up and all.

agedknees · 10/05/2012 16:17

As long as you can do an emergency stop you will be covered by your insurance.

But - it's what YOU feel comfortable doing, and you don't feel comfortable driving all that distance following your surgery.

Buy him a highway code book, a set of L plates and tell him to take driving lessons, stupid man.

YANBU.

CaptainHetty · 10/05/2012 16:18

You are definitely not being unreasonable, and he is being, to put it very mildly, a numpty.

ELCS or not he shouldn't be expecting you to be driving for 5 hours heavily pregnant or with a newborn. He needs to realise that up until now you have been making his life easier and doing him a favour in assisting him - he is a grown man and perfectly capable of making his own arrangements to see his daughter, without relying on you. Yes it may be more difficult for him but needs must and all that.

ShellyBobbs · 10/05/2012 16:24

Bollocks to the lot of them.

Tell the lazy fer to use his flight money and pay for a crash course in driving. If this little baby can sod off abroad every few weeks, then he can certainly find a way to pick up his own daughter. I hope you're not going to bottle feed just because of this prick? What a selfish bard!

To be honest, your daughter won't be that bothered I wouldn't have thought. Weekends will be the only time she gets to see her little baby brother all day and I'll bet she'll be chuffed to bits.

Time the baby bas**ard grew up!

diddl · 10/05/2012 16:39

Why do people keep telling OP she might be able to drive prior to 6wks post op-so bloody what-why should she keep doing this?

Especially when she´ll be leaving her baby to do it?

Booboostoo · 10/05/2012 19:18

Being able to drive has to do with OP's abilities, it has nothing to do with her obligations. I think everyone is in agreement that she is not obliged to drive the twat even if she is able to do so!

catfart · 10/05/2012 19:46

YANBU - In fact, you've been too reasonable. Whether or not you are allowed to drive after a c=section is irrelevant, you'll have just had a baby, you should be resting, recovering and focusing on your new arrival and getting settled in.

He needs to get himself a driving licence, unless he has a medical reason why he can't drive then I think this guy is totally taking the piss.

Honestly, rise above it, he has to sort it out x You sound like a very nice lady.

mirry2 · 10/05/2012 19:49

I drove within 2weeks of having a cs but I've since heard that if you do that you're uninsured if you have anaccident - so tell him that

And I could feel my scar beeing pulled when i drove so not nice and could be dangerous

carabos · 10/05/2012 19:54

When I told my ex that I wasn't going to be doing driving to a supermarket car park at night to hand over DS for contact when i had a newborn because he wasn't allowed by GF wouldn't drive to my house, that was the last any of us saw of him .

You need to stop enabling him and this is as good a time as any to test his commitment to a proper relationship with his DD.

Rinkan · 10/05/2012 20:01

You say your DH doesn't drive either? One was bad enough, two suggests you have a thing for men who are a bit wussy. (Mark Corrigan anyone?)

How are you and dd going to get around day to day after the cs if DH isn't driving either? You should get on at him as well as the ex.

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