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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to Word the Invitations Thus.... (Children-at-Wedding Related)

98 replies

ViviPru · 10/05/2012 08:19

Woohoo! My first My-Wedding-Related AIBU.

So what would you make of an all-day wedding invitation you received which read:

Children

Due to capacity restrictions in the barn, we are regretfully unable to accommodate all of our friends' children at our wedding (other than babes-in-arms.) Please note, our nieces, nephews and godchildren will be attending.

We have not planned for additional guests to join us for an evening reception per-se, however if it better suits your childcare arrangements, you are welcome to join us instead from 8pm for cheese and revelry. If this would work for you, please let us know in your RSVP.

(NB, none of our friends have or are due a babe-in-arms as well as another child so we wouldn't be splitting any siblings)

OP posts:

helloclitty · 10/05/2012 10:32

I really don't think you want to take out the explanation of not having a two tier wedding because otherwise it might read like if you don't like it you can lump it and just come to the second bit. Whereas it currently reads that you are trying to accommodate.

I agree about the confusion regarding babe in arms but you can't be more specific for fear of sounding slightly pedantic. Babe in arms to me is clearly someone who doesn't need their own place at a table especially as you've written it straight after explaining capacity issue.

Original poster

ViviPru · 10/05/2012 10:35

Got much on for the next 12 months? Want to help me plan a wedding?

OP posts:

Gubbins · 10/05/2012 10:37

I wouldn't worry about the not-quite-babes-in-arms. What you've said is quite clear and if the parents aren't sure then they'll contact you. One thing I would change is "unable to accommodate all of our friends' children..."

Lose the 'all of'. I've lurked on AIBU long enough now to know that there are people out there who would assume that their children were the exceptions.

Have a fantastic day.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 10/05/2012 10:39

I think it reads as if its easier just to get childcare for the evening come at 8.....still without the kids though.

Thats what it looks like to me anyway, I would check, you dont want any awkward situations.

QuickLookBusy · 10/05/2012 10:40

I don't understand it

Are you saying "We don't want you to bring your children but you can if you can't find a baby sitter? And there will be cheese."

And have these peopel been invited to the wedding?

Pinot · 10/05/2012 10:41

But but but children are fun at a wedding. All the cute dresses and little fellas in waistcoats. Then they get the boring grumpy ones up dancing and whizz about being all entertaining.

I realise this is not helpful and not even what you're asking.

Original poster

ViviPru · 10/05/2012 10:53

Quick

All of the people this would effect are invited to the whole wedding day. Ceremony > hogget roast gorge-out > evening rave-up. We're not having an 'evening do' with additional guests, we can accommodate the adults for the entire day. But we cannot accommodate everyone's kids. Besides, we've not met a lot of these kids.

I'm giving people with kids the option of either coming to the whole wedding and finding all-day childcare for their kids, or coming along in the evening either with or without them.

The wording I'm contemplating in this thread will be after the initial generic invite which will be addressed to the couple inviting them to the ceremony, meal and evening reception.

Pinot I love the whizzing and the entertaining too, and the cross-family befriending of previously unknown cousins, this will happen in abundance among the children who are a big part of our lives and will be prominent at the wedding...

OP posts:

QuickLookBusy · 10/05/2012 11:01

Ah thank you for explaining.

I understand what you are getting at now and think you are being very accommodating

Original poster

ViviPru · 10/05/2012 11:03

thank you :)

I might add, the few couples we've briefly spoken to in person about it unequivocally proffered that they can't wait for a 'day off' to let their hair down and the kids will be shipped off to grandparents for the day (before we'd even broached the topic of our preferences for their kids attendance).

I recognise that not everyone has the luxury of all-day childcare hence the evening option. To be honest, this actually only really affects about 6-8 couples, primarily DH to be's uni mates and a few others who in all honesty would probably be invited to (and would prefer only to attend) an evening reception anyway were our day structured that way.

OP posts:

BlackholesAndRevelations · 10/05/2012 11:08

Who corrected "friends' " to "friend's"?! Would you like a grammar lesson?! sorry......

Original poster

ViviPru · 10/05/2012 11:13

Don't worry, Blackholes, Mr. Pru makes the pedants on this board look illiterate. He will be proof-reading.

OP posts:

FunkIt · 10/05/2012 11:34

We had similar with our wedding day. We had about 5 children (2 which were our own and the other 3 close family's children).

The way I went about it was simply putting the adults names on the invites and not the childrens. BUT I did, at some point, personally speak to all our friends with children (we had about 65 adults so only 20/25 ish couples in there, not all with kids) and I mentioned why we were having a child free wedding etc and I can honestly say that I didn't get any "bad vibes" about it and everyone seemed very understanding and, as you say, happy to have the day off to relax.

There were 2 families in particular who I knew struggled with childcare (the rest I knew could find babysitters if they needed to as they often did similar things) and I did say to them that if they couldn't find anyone to babysit that they could bring their children. They did actually find babysitters anyway though but they were close friends and I didn't want them to think they were not welcome if they didn't have a babysitter.

The thing is, no matter what you do there will always be someone who is offended/slightly miffed because that's what people are like and it is impossible to please everyone.

I think a few personal phone calls/chats go a long way with things like this. People seem more understanding if you explain in person and react a lot nicer!

Ps I don't quite understand the last part about the evening either but if it is the amount of couples that you say with children you could just leave that off and ring them to explain that just before you send the invites out (so they understand clearly their options!). I don't think you need to over explain yourself too much on your invites, just keep it simple

Lovelynewboots · 10/05/2012 11:42

My good friend got married three years ago and did a similar thing. I was really happy to leave my three kids behind with my mum and have a break. Its fine. I would be more than happy with that.

AmnesiaCustard · 10/05/2012 11:53

We had a child free wedding and it was fab. Really fab. Didn't even have children at the evening bit.
Our wedding, our choice. Those that didn't like it didn't come. Not at all weird.

Original poster

ViviPru · 10/05/2012 12:06

Do remember not everyone reads Mn!!

Just noticed this^^ again. Love it. No wonder there are so many cruddy weddings eh.

OP posts:

Acepuppets · 10/05/2012 12:31

It sounds as if they expect your children to be in bed after 8.00 pm so you can leave them with their baby sitter and you can come along without them.

Original poster

ViviPru · 10/05/2012 12:39

Have you read the thread, Ace?

OP posts:

Ephiny · 10/05/2012 12:39

We just didn't mention children - we didn't say they weren't invited, we simply didn't invite them. A couple of people phoned to clarify, and we explained then that the venue isn't very child-friendly, and they said it was fine, they'd arrange babysitting. If anyone had been really stuck, I'd rather they brought their kid than were unable to come at all, though fortunately that didn't happen.

We were really undecided about how best to do it - obviously people want to know these things, but at the same time it seemed a bit odd to use an invitation to inform that certain people are not invited.

Same as the gift list issue - we just didn't mention gifts on the invitation, then if people asked we explained that we don't need anything and really just want their company! I guess we'll find out on the day if anyone turns up with an unexpected gift (or child ).

Original poster

ViviPru · 10/05/2012 12:46

Not far off now, your wedding, Ephiny? Bout sorted?

OP posts:

picnicbasketcase · 10/05/2012 12:47

I'd be baffled by an invitation that specifies that cheeses will be present. Are they expensive and rare cheeses? Is it a dairy stealth boast?

Ephiny · 10/05/2012 12:53

It's this Saturday ViviPru - so I guess it's about as sorted as it's going to get

Original poster

ViviPru · 10/05/2012 12:55

Anyone who knows us would not be baffled by the mention of the presence of cheese.

Also it is a way of saying there will be nibbles, not a buffet etc. The nibbles will be cheese. So pretty much the most straightforward description, really.

OP posts:

Original poster

ViviPru · 10/05/2012 12:55

Wow that's come round quick! Have a lovely day, E :)

OP posts:

Original poster

ViviPru · 10/05/2012 12:57

And not expensive or rare cheese. Just lovely local Leicestershire cheeses from which I will be abstaining for the next 365 days.

OP posts:

Ephiny · 10/05/2012 12:58

Thanks Vivi - and you too when your day comes (the time will go quicker than you think!)

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