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Original poster

Follow up advice needed!!! Mother's Wedding...to attend or not to attend??

60 replies

thatisall · 09/05/2012 18:01

Hello, this is a thread which refers to another thread...here---> www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1455295-to-cut-my-Mother-out-of-our-lives
I decided to cut my Mum out of my life because of years of negative experiences. It was a difficult decision that I did not take lightly. After making this decision I felt such a sense of relief.

Our estrangement was worsened though not caused by her new relationship with a homophobic, racist, heavy drinker.

I have just received an invitation to their wedding, this August, with a note saying i have 10 days to respond and that she will also need confirmation as to whether my dd (aged 9) and I will be bridesmaids along with the other 8; her dd's sd's and gd's.

We have already rsvp'd to attend a friends wedding on the same day but obviously ordinarily it would be understandable to cancel on the friend to attend a parents wedding.

I am NOT being a bridesmaid....but I know my dd will be devastated if we attend and she is not a bridesmaid, she will also be devastated if we don't attend and she finds out, which she inevitably will. My siblings will also be horrified if I don't attend.

I was just starting to feel free of the situation but uncles and aunts have already started all the 'be the bigger person and attend', 'do the right thing and attend', 'she is your mother after all' talk.

If i attend, even though I feel hated by them all and don't approve, does that make me a hypocrite?
If I don't attend, am I making a bad situation worse?

Am I being unreasonable to feel bloody overwhelmed and frankly exhausted by all of this???

OP posts:
PackItInNow · 09/05/2012 18:24

You shouldn't be worried about what people think of you for not attending (if that's what you choose to do), you should be more concerned about your DD being in contact with a woman who could be saying anything about you. As you've been invited to your friend's wedding, I would go there instead of your mother's wedding, but that's just my opinion. Unfortunately, you have to do what you think is best for you and your DD, not anyone else.

Hope you get this sorted OP. Keep us posted

Original poster
thatisall · 09/05/2012 18:29

PackItInNow I think if we attended, we wouldn't be seeing her again afterwards. I know that's horrible, but my reasons for deciding I don't want a relationship with her still stand.

As far as concerns what other people think, I am concerned. The way she's manipulating people, I could lose all my siblings over this, 2 have already cut us off. Its a real mess.

:-(

OP posts:
gomowthelawn · 09/05/2012 18:33

Is it worth losing all your siblings over? Confused

AdoraBell · 09/05/2012 18:42

Personally I would attend the friend's wedding. Me feeling is that you will be relaxed and enjoy being a guest, and because of that your DD will have a much better day. I know she may be upset initially at not being a bridesmaid, but she'll get over that in time. If your mother and her OH are toxic enough to make you break off contact then that's a good enough reason not to put your child centre stage in their wedding. From your discription the invitation ounds more like a summons?

That's just what I think, for way it's worth.

FionaMac · 09/05/2012 18:42

Your mother came to your wedding and didn't speak to you or your DH before, during or after it. You made your decision to cut her out after years of pain. Stick to it. You said yourself, that you agonized over the decision, and that it brought you great relief.
Why would you open up this wound again?
She gave birth to you but she doesn't mother you in any positive recognizable way. She'll be a crappy granny too.

Your daughter might like to play dress up for the day, but that is a really poor reason to allow this manipulator back in.
Your mother is reckless with your relationship- she has chosen the behaviour, and now she can live with the consequences.
Try not to mind what she and all those relatives might say and think about your non attendence. Do what is best for you and your own family, go to your friend's wedding and leave your mother and her homophobic, racist, alcoholic groom to fester.
I think this is really obvious. Why does she cloud your judgement so?

AdoraBell · 09/05/2012 18:50

I Started responding before you said you risk losing siblings. It may not be worth losing touch with siblings, but are those siblings worth keeping in touch with? I don't mean to run them down, or put you off maintaining contact with siblings who love and support you. Before you decide look at all the relationships.

Original poster
thatisall · 09/05/2012 18:52

Fiona I would give all the same advice that you have, but in reality, it isn't that simple.

I don't want a relationship with her, but I wish that wasn't the case, O wish things were different. It will make me feel very uncomfortable to be there and even more so if I allow my dd to be a part of the wedding party (she already asked her last year by the way, when they 1st got engaged), but......if I don't, I can basically say goodbye to my siblings, my grandmother will be distraught and when my dd grows up she might event me for it.

This is why it and she clouds my judgement, because deep down I still believe that one day, things will change, she will change and things might be resolved. If I don't attend, then that will NEVER happen. I know Im wishing for something that probably will never be, but that's the situation

OP posts:
DogEared · 09/05/2012 18:56

I think that I wouldn't go. It seems odd to cut off a relationship and still go the wedding without wanting to get back in touch afterwards. I don't think you'd enjoy yourself, and I think that if your siblings are halfway decent, they'll understand. The friend's wedding is a perfect excuse, in a way. Just RSVP to say thank you for the invitation but that you've already RSVPd to another wedding on that day, and wish them a happy marriage.
Must be very difficult for you OP... Hope you're okay x

40for40 · 09/05/2012 18:57

What if she ignores you and your daughter on the day? What if they are all horrible to you all day? Is it worth the risk for your own sanity and for the possible heartbreak you are setting your daughter up for?

She is absolutely playing you and she knows that the role of bridesmaid for your daughter is her biggest weapon aside from getting the 'family' to put pressure on you because it is her wedding. So what? Did she pull herself together for YOUR wedding??

By what you have said about her previous form it sounds highly unlikely that this is her extending an olive branch wanting to play happy families.
It sounds to me like she will belittle, ridicule or ignore you and that will be a horrible situation to be in.

I would talk to your siblings and grandmother and say that you don't think it is appropriate to go under the circumstances. Say that you don't want to be the cause of more drama on the day, you wish them all (as in siblings, not Mother) well and hope that they respect your decision.

Do they know why you aren't seeing her any more? Do you want them to know?

Original poster
thatisall · 09/05/2012 18:57

AdoraBell My siblings and I are very different people. I have a different father to them, but I suppose we could get not nature/nature debates about them having the same upbringing. Whatever the reason, we are different. I am more confident, headstrong even. I have a good and supportive father aswell, wheres their Father isn't wonderful. They see more of her than they do of me, because of location and so inevitably they hear terrible things about me and she is good at painting herself as a manipulative character.

If I lose them over this it won't be because they are bad people, it will be because they have been manipulated and because like everyone, they want to be loved by their MUm. I am the eldest by the way.

I do see what you mean though, assess the relationships, and you are right. But I've gone from being the eldest of a big family to feeling all alone, I just couldn't bear for that to get any worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
thatisall · 09/05/2012 18:59

40for40 they know most of the reasons why. Some of the things from my childhood, I don't want to burden them with, but they 'don't want to get involved'.

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 09/05/2012 19:01

I wouldn't go.

If you've cut all contact then I wouldn't even RSVP.

If you mean that much to your siblings, they'll keep in touch with you anyway. If not, they're not worth keeping in touch with anyway IMO.

ratspeaker · 09/05/2012 19:17

Your mum is already manipulating you, giving you a deadline, asking you and your dd to be bridesmaids when she wouldn't even talk to you on your wedding day.
If you say yes, I bet she'll kick off at some point and say your dd isn't to be bridesmaid after all, unless you do things she wants.
She'll kick off if you don't go.

Personally I'd to to the friends wedding.
I dont think your dd needs to be exposed to your mum

Original poster
thatisall · 09/05/2012 19:34

the thing is if she hadn't sent the invite..if she hadn't asked my dd to be a bridesmaid....I'd be on here moaning about it wouldn't I?

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 09/05/2012 19:39

Would you really?

Original poster
thatisall · 09/05/2012 19:41

no maybe not...but I'd consider it confirmation that my decision was the right one

OP posts:
sue52 · 09/05/2012 19:44

You've taken the decision to cut contact. Attending this wedding will pave the way for resumption of a relationship with her, is that what you and your family

really want?

Inertia · 09/05/2012 19:47

Don't go. All the reasons for cutting her out of your lives still stand. Go to friend's wedding and enjoy yourself.

Mother has probably only invited you to make you feel guilty anyway.

Flisspaps · 09/05/2012 19:48

By going, you say to her your decision was the wrong one

Original poster
thatisall · 09/05/2012 19:51

sue52 my honest answer to that question is that I want HER to want that

OP posts:
Original poster
thatisall · 09/05/2012 19:52

flisspaps she doesn't know that I even made that decision. I didn't make a song and dance about it. Just decided and acted on it by not making contact.

OP posts:
anychocswilldo · 09/05/2012 20:20

IMO i don't think your 'mother' deserves to have you or your dd there. Why allow yourself to be pulled back into a situation that makes you miserable? I think you should attend your friends wedding, have a good time and be pleased you are free of someone so negative in your life.

helenthemadex · 09/05/2012 20:35

I decided to cut my Mum out of my life because of years of negative experiences. It was a difficult decision that I did not take lightly. After making this decision I felt such a sense of relief.

if nothing significant has changed why would you go back to a situation/relationship that caused you unhappiness? and by attending this wedding that is exactly what you would be doing. The chances are that you would again have to go through the process of cutting her out again, imo that would be far more confusing and upsetting for you and your dd than not being a bridesmaid.

Take your dd out for a girlie day and buy her a beautiful dress and shoes for you friends wedding go to that where you know you will be welcomed and have a lovely relaxing day

helenthemadex · 09/05/2012 20:36

oops posted to soon

was going to say have a lovely relaxing day with people who love and care about you

Chubfuddler · 09/05/2012 20:41

Didn't read your other thread but I can't see any good reason to attend her wedding. As others have said you can guarantee if you accept she will hold the BM thing or even your invitation, over your head. Just disengage.

I have nothing to do with my father, one of my brothers is in contact with him. That's his right. We get on fine but just don't ever discuss our father. Have a little faith in your siblings.