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Original poster

Follow up advice needed!!! Mother's Wedding...to attend or not to attend??

60 replies

thatisall · 09/05/2012 18:01

Hello, this is a thread which refers to another thread...here---> www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1455295-to-cut-my-Mother-out-of-our-lives
I decided to cut my Mum out of my life because of years of negative experiences. It was a difficult decision that I did not take lightly. After making this decision I felt such a sense of relief.

Our estrangement was worsened though not caused by her new relationship with a homophobic, racist, heavy drinker.

I have just received an invitation to their wedding, this August, with a note saying i have 10 days to respond and that she will also need confirmation as to whether my dd (aged 9) and I will be bridesmaids along with the other 8; her dd's sd's and gd's.

We have already rsvp'd to attend a friends wedding on the same day but obviously ordinarily it would be understandable to cancel on the friend to attend a parents wedding.

I am NOT being a bridesmaid....but I know my dd will be devastated if we attend and she is not a bridesmaid, she will also be devastated if we don't attend and she finds out, which she inevitably will. My siblings will also be horrified if I don't attend.

I was just starting to feel free of the situation but uncles and aunts have already started all the 'be the bigger person and attend', 'do the right thing and attend', 'she is your mother after all' talk.

If i attend, even though I feel hated by them all and don't approve, does that make me a hypocrite?
If I don't attend, am I making a bad situation worse?

Am I being unreasonable to feel bloody overwhelmed and frankly exhausted by all of this???

OP posts:
Tiddlyompompom · 09/05/2012 20:55

I'd say don't go - the main reason that you go to any wedding is to see loved ones marry and wish them a happy marriage. You don't like your mother (as much as you might love her deep down) and you actively dislike her partner. I can't imagine it being anything other than extremely stressful, and no guarantee that you won't fall out with your siblings anyway if your mother is poisoning them against you.

RSVP to your mother politely declining, but then write to each of your siblings and your grandmother telling them that you're sorry you won't see them at the wedding, but that you love and miss them, and look forward to seeing them soon. They can't misinterpret that surely?

You made your decision for such good solid reasons, if you get sucked back in you'll end up having to go through the whole head-trauma again. Exhausting.

If you feel your dd is mature enough to understand, please explain the situation to her. She needs to know that there are real reasons behind the decision, otherwise she may simply feel resentful. (Any chance your friend needs an extra bridesmaid for her wedding?!)

PoohBearsHole · 09/05/2012 21:04

Don't go.

I can guarantee you as a half sibling, whatever you do you won't be right and I expect that even if you do go and behave impecably (spelling is awful) you will have done something wrong somehow. You have cut her out. That is that.

Explain to dd, tell her that you will buy her a glamorous bm dress for your df wedding and go to that and have a lovely time.

Write to your gm and your siblings as tiddly says. You made your decision and stick to it, I reckon whatever you do you will end up being in the wrong and so you might as well go and have a nice time Smile

Original poster
thatisall · 09/05/2012 21:13

My Uncle has just text saying he needs to speak to me tonight. He is my favourite, he is also the one that she has and is putting the most effort into turning against me.

This could be a big deciding factor, this phone call

OP posts:
Original poster
thatisall · 09/05/2012 21:13

and he's calling now....Be right back

OP posts:
BerthaTheBogBurglar · 09/05/2012 21:17

Going to your mum's wedding won't get you any of the things that you want. Unless you toe your mum's line you will eventually lose your siblings anyway - unless they decide that they'd rather have a relationship with you than with her - which they might do, in the end.

Talk to your dd about why you don't see your mum. Tell her about the wedding and the bridesmaid thing and explain why you're not going. And then think up some awesome treat for your dd and distract her with that! She isn't going to grow up to hate you for this - I bet she'll be able to see it all far more clearly than you can.

PoohBearsHole · 09/05/2012 21:21

I so agree with Bertha - she won't hate you, and you have the upper hand here as you see her every day.

i hope the phone call went well.

McHappyPants2012 · 09/05/2012 21:27

i wouldn't go, what about other big events are the family going to guilt trip you into going to them aswell.

bunnyspoiler · 09/05/2012 21:29

agree, don't go. For all the reasons others have said.

Original poster
thatisall · 09/05/2012 21:58

My Uncle says don't go, simply because its better to have a good day. Im not convinced though tbh.

After talking to him, I realise its my siblings reaction that Im most concerned about.

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Tiddlyompompom · 09/05/2012 22:09

But but but, you haven't spoken to your siblings about it yet have you? I know you've said they don't want to get involved, but if they stop seeing you just for some crap your mum has said, they are involved!
Your Uncle was very level-headed about it - they might be too.

Original poster
thatisall · 09/05/2012 22:18

Part of me is feeling sorry for her aswell (I know I shouldn't). 3 of her 4 sisters have already said they won't go.

She's always said she was the black sheep. She kind of is, but its her own doing and she doesn't see kindness even when its right there in her face.
But I'll just be adding myself dh and dd to the list of people she feels have abandoned her in this life. She clearly isn't a well or stable lady given her behaviour over the years.

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frumpet · 09/05/2012 22:50

Can i ask you how attending the wedding of a person who hasnt shown you any mothering and a man who is described as alcoholic ,homophobic and racist , is going to change anything ? Do you honestly expect her to breakdown and beg forgiveness or is it more likely that she wants a proper wedding and so she thinks you should be there regardless ? She may well be unwell / have issues etc but if you continue to excuse her behaviour then she can continue to use that as an emotional cosh .

Original poster
thatisall · 09/05/2012 22:53

I feel like if that's what she wants...a 'proper wedding' with all of her children in attendance then the right thing to do as the 'bigger person' and all that is to attend and be nice and gracious and act in the way that she should have acted on my day as an example to my dd and my siblings, some of whom are still in their teens

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squeakytoy · 09/05/2012 22:54

Dont go.. if you dont want to go.

Your daughter will NOT be devastated.

Your daughter does not even need to really know about it.

Original poster
thatisall · 09/05/2012 22:58

I just feel like that will be the nail in the coffin. Like I will NEVER ever resolve the issues with my Mum after that. Even when i decided not to see her again, i could go back on that at any time. This will be every bridge burned.

I know that should be what I want in a way and everyones advice is sound, but in reality, its so hard.

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TheHappyHissy · 09/05/2012 22:59

Go to your FRIEND's wedding, have a lovely, stress free time, carry on with the path you started down.

No good will come of this.

She's hardly doing this with an open heart.. you have 10 days to RSVP or else...

don't reply. Just leave it.

She will turn the whole day into a fiasco, all about her.. think Bridezilla on CRACK.

You hate the man she is marrying, you don't want to be with her, her own sisters have shunned her... you are not alone in your feelings.

Stick with the courage of your convictions.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 09/05/2012 23:04

I agree that you should not go

If you do go, and your daughter is a bridesmaid, I think it will look even worse if you then cut contact again. Yours siblings might wonder why you came to the wedding and then did a u turn and cut her back out, I just can't see it having a good outcome

sashh · 10/05/2012 08:06

You have already chosen to cut her out of your life, go to your friend's wedding and enjoy yorself.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 10/05/2012 08:32

The truth is you have a pre existing agreement to go to your friend's wedding. You don't have to make a big stand here just send a short note saying sorry but you cannot attend as already going to another wedding that day. If siblings question it just say it was unfortunate that the events clashed and you'd already agreed to go to the other. Your behaviour is then impeccable and no one can argue against you.

Original poster
thatisall · 10/05/2012 13:04

I've found out that the only ones who have actually received an invite so far are myself and family, and the two aunties who actually stood up to her about me, both of whom have already said they won't be attending.

I don't know whether its just coincidence and the others will arrive shortly, but it looks as though, she might just be trying to provoke a reaction.

I think this is turning me into a bitch : I didn't know whether she would be at my wedding until I saw her sat there when i walked down the aisle. Part of me is considering putting her through the same agony and just not responding, but I know that just makes me like her and that's something I never want to be.

The other part of me is considering telling her that I had closed the door on our relationship. I hate that she's turning me into an angry person :-S

OP posts:
Tiddlyompompom · 10/05/2012 13:44

Sounds like she's still got her claws in to you pretty deep, and the healthiest thing is to release yourself from her grasp completely.

You need to behave as the 'best' version of yourself for your own self respect, why involve yourself in trying to piss her off if you just want rid of her? Would she really be in 'agony' anyway, it doesn't sound like she has genuine feelings for you, just the expectation that you should do this or that because you're her daughter.
RSVP, but yes, I do think you should also tell her you're cutting contact and don't wish to be in her life anymore.

Just don't let her make you feel like a bitch or angry - you don't need to let her influence your life anymore. xx

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 10/05/2012 13:56

Of course it's hard, she's your mum!!

However, are you feeling better now you have cut contact?? Is that wound starting to heal?? If so, then dont go - you will re-open it back to the height of rawness and for what.....she will still be toxic and you will still want to cut contact.

Sometimes you just have to let go. She must know in her heart of hearts that she is the problem as so many people dont talk to her. Dont let the bitterness take hold of you, she really isnt worth it and you sound lovely.

wisecamel · 10/05/2012 14:11

What about just going to the ceremony? Then you've 'done the decent thing' in a family responsibility type way but don't actually have to talk to any of them socially. DD could be bridesmaid if she really wanted to, then when it's over, wish your mum all the best for the start of her new married life, take DD and go.

With luck, you'd still be able to get to your friend's party for a huge glass of wine and good company. That's what I'd do.

helenthemadex · 10/05/2012 14:12

sounds to me like she has opened up the wound again and managed to make you doubt yourself and your decision, to me it appears she is trying to manipulate you

Maybe you want to give her one final chance to be a decent mother, and that is fine but probably her wedding day is not the right time to do this, because if she creates a scene she probably knows you wont defend yourself because its her wedding day and you are a decent enough person to not to want to 'ruin' her day

If you feel you do want to give her a chance, why not reply and say sorry but you have already made a commitment to go to a friends wedding, but suggest maybe a day before the wedding for a get together, girly day or something. If she wants to make ammends she will want to do this

Original poster
thatisall · 10/05/2012 14:26

I could just attend the ceremony, then leave as its our friends wedding (2hour drive!) I can't be 100% sure that she won't turn around and say that dd can't be a bridesmaid if its only for ceremony..expense and all that and if she does that my dh will just hit the roof (reaching the end of his tether) .

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