Follow up advice needed!!! Mother's Wedding...to attend or not to attend??

[thatisall]

Hello, this is a thread which refers to another thread...here---> www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1455295-to-cut-my-Mother-out-of-our-lives
I decided to cut my Mum out of my life because of years of negative experiences. It was a difficult decision that I did not take lightly. After making this decision I felt such a sense of relief.

Our estrangement was worsened though not caused by her new relationship with a homophobic, racist, heavy drinker.

I have just received an invitation to their wedding, this August, with a note saying i have 10 days to respond and that she will also need confirmation as to whether my dd (aged 9) and I will be bridesmaids along with the other 8; her dd's sd's and gd's.

We have already rsvp'd to attend a friends wedding on the same day but obviously ordinarily it would be understandable to cancel on the friend to attend a parents wedding.

I am NOT being a bridesmaid....but I know my dd will be devastated if we attend and she is not a bridesmaid, she will also be devastated if we don't attend and she finds out, which she inevitably will. My siblings will also be horrified if I don't attend.

I was just starting to feel free of the situation but uncles and aunts have already started all the 'be the bigger person and attend', 'do the right thing and attend', 'she is your mother after all' talk.

If i attend, even though I feel hated by them all and don't approve, does that make me a hypocrite?
If I don't attend, am I making a bad situation worse?

Am I being unreasonable to feel bloody overwhelmed and frankly exhausted by all of this???

You could reply in writing saying that you'd be pleased to come to the ceremony, but that you wouldn't be able to stay longer owing to another engagement. However, you are sure DD would love to be a bridesmaid - if your mum could get back to you within ten days to let you know if her offer still stood, that would be helpful.

If your mum changes her mind, then she didn't really want DD to be bridesmaid and you could just go to your mates.

thatisall

This is not turning you into a bitch, because you are not a bitch. I can understand that you feel angry because your mother is trying to manipulate you. That doesn't make you a bad person.

Her siblings can see what she is doing, which is why your aunts stood up for you and have now declined to attend the wedding, and your uncle has advised you not attend.

It's already messing with your mind and you haven't spoken to her yet.

I would still go to the friend's wedding. When DD is older you can explain a little of the reasons behind your choice, for now just enjoy your friend's wedding.

I know it's not easy to break contact with a parent, it took me a lot of years and stress related health problems, but the bare facts are that you wanting/needing her to be a better mother isn't going to make it happen.

thatisall: Love, you and we ALL know that whatever you do will be twisted around and you will be in the wrong. You are on to a loser if you go to the wedding.

1 - because you have already got plans - to celebrate with someone who HAS been supportive of you on her FIRST wedding
2 - This is her 2nd, to a man who you have very valid reasons not to want anything to do with
3 - You have made the break, it took great courage and you are feeling better as a result of it
4 - If you attend you will be sucked back in, there will be pressure on you from other members of the family.
5 - She gave you a time limit to RSVP by. That is emotional blackmail. She knows now that you are agonising about this and will be for the entire 10 days. had she just sent the invitation with no limit, no expectation, no demands I'd be more inclined to see it as an olive branch. It's not. it's a birch twitch to beat you back into line with. She has called you to heel

If you back down she will take this as a victory and you will have to do the leaving Mother behind ALL over again. ALL the gains you made in the time without her will be wiped away in a nano-second.

If you go back now, you may lose your highground, you will possibly even find your own actions hypocritical.

Remember the reasons you left her. REALLY understand what she did to you.

Put those that put you uppermost in an esteemed position. Relegate those that have harmed you to the peripheries.

Your Uncle (her own DB?) has said to you NOT to attend. You trust his judgement, he loves you and wants to see you happy. he is old enough and wise enough to tell you what he thinks. Please listen to him. Stand by your convictions, decline the invitation and say you already have other plans on that day, but that you wish them well in their married life.

your DD can be a bridesmaid for someone that will be a positive in your life. Your DM only said for you and your DC to be bridesmaid so that she can manipulate your DC to work FOR her and AGAINST you.

This is a good example to show to your DD that just because people want us to do things for them, we don't have to, not if they have been mean. the price you would pay for your DD being a bridesmaid is a price way too sky high to justify. It would cost you your self respect and esteem. No-one is worth that.

Say no. Go to your friends wedding.

Sounds like you want to go to the wedding though. Reading through your posts you're coming up with excuses as to why you should go.

If you want to go just go. Lots of people have given their time and life experiences to help you decide, but you're still saying you ought to go.

My dh wouldn't stand by and let me make a fool of myself like that.

FOG - Fear Obligation and Guilt

It's how dynamics such as these operate.

You want to do the 'right thing' but you know, in your heart of hearts, that in some way it will bite you on the bum - your mum will suddenly change her mind re DD and bridesmaid, you'll go and she'll not acknowledge you or your family. I think the telling thing for me is your beloved uncle telling you not to go coupled with the fact that many members of the family are also not going. You seem to want to be there for your siblings but I think you need to think about your daughter, your husband and yourself before them. They, after all, have their own support networks, etc, and actually what you are most worried about is that your mother will say unkind things about your non attendance when you are not there to validate yourself. But even if you were there - would you be able to say or do things that would enable you to cope with any vitriol or antipathy aimed at you from her.

Clearly the relationship between you and she is damaged. She sounds like a very damaged woman and you sound lovely. I would use the excuse of the other wedding (is it possible that the friend might let DD strew a few flowers or carry something - give her a role which means she is doing something that means you HAVE to be there) to say no. I can understand completely why you want to be there - she is your mother and you desperately want a good relationship with her. That might be feasible in time but it's not going to happen at a wedding.

Weddings are a big hoo haa on the day but pretty quickly forgotten afterwards. You will be made to feel guilty up to the wedding and, apart from your DM, your attendance or not will be largely forgotten about by everyone else.
As for being bridesmaid it's a bit of a bore really isn't. Bride gets all the attention and you stand about in the cold waiting for photos etc. Apart from the dressing up it's not what it's cracked up to be (and even the dressing up can be irritating, standing about waiting for everyone else to get prettified) -- but if anyone knows different please correct me, this is just my experience.
Just don't go.

I think I'm going to decline.

I need to decide what is the best way to go about it; by that I mean, do i speak to Grandma, db, dsisters first? 2 of them have after all already stopped speaking to me.

I've decided that my dh and dd have to come first above all things including my fear of reprisals and my longing for a Mum quite unlike the one I have.

The friend is dh's friend and no I don't think there is a place for dd in the wedding party. She is my dc from a previous relationship and as the couple live 2 hours away, they don't really know her. But she will be treated like a princess by all of our friends.

Do you think I should avoid telling her about my Mothers wedding.
When dd finds out that her grandma has got married, she will be distraught. She already feels rejected by her grandmother and 2 aunts and however much i try to comfort her and explain, i know how it feels to feel unwanted by this woman. She will be upset if she finds out before or after the event, but i suppose if I tell her before but explain we can't go as we're at another wedding, that might soften the blow.

Long term you need to be honest with your DD. You need to explain that there are times when adults are not kind to each other and that relationships deteriorate/end as a result.

You need to explain that your mum loves her, but that she doesn't know how to do it without hurting others.

You have to counteract the 'unwanted' stuff, you need to show her that YOU and your DH feel that the relationship is not good for your family, and so you're taking a break fromit all for a while, until things improve to a healthier foooting. Take charge of this nightmare. Stop reacting and start leading and communicating your refusal to be pushed around.

I'd go to the friend's wedding - you've already accepted the invitation.

Not quite the same, but

I was sort of representing work at a colleague's funeral, and got a call telling me that an aunt had died. As I'd already agreed to go to the other funeral, I explained to my cousin, and sent flowers.