to honestly not know where to go with this next? I'm at my wits end.

[SerendipitousHarlot]

There is no way I can make this short. There's too much to it.

My sister was married to her ex for about 3/4 years, they have been split for 3 years and divorced for a year. I have never liked him, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same about me. They have 2 sons together, aged 4 and 5, she also has her eldest son who's 18 and my godson.

Right. Over the last 3 years, his behaviour has escalated to such a degree that I just don't know what to do. He sends my sister constant abusive texts, once she had 80 texts in a week - lets himself into her house, threatens her, and generally just displays really fucking odd behaviour.

If she doesn't respond in the manner he likes, he starts calling my mum. Telling her that her daughter is a bitch, that my mum is a shit mother to have brought up someone so disrespectful, she needs to do something about my sister and the way she behaves - at one point, he was texting my mum up to 10 times a day - she would switch her phone off and he would leave her voicemails. Sometimes he turned up at her house. As you can imagine, this was really stressful for my mum, in the end, I told her to save all the texts and think about going to a solicitor for legal advice. I have also advised this to my sister.

3 YEARS LATER - and this is still going on. And getting worse, frankly. He's been leaving my mum alone, but still being a dick in all the other ways I've mentioned.

Now. Last week my lovely mum was diagnosed with breast cancer She is extremely shocked, and very scared. She's having a mastectomy in a couple of weeks. I've been callling her every day (I live 150 miles away), and after speaking to her tonight, she's really really down because my sister's ex has started up again. My sister's been telling her all the latest worrying stuff because 'she doesn't have anyone else to talk to'

I just don't know what to do. My mum sounded so low tonight - she says she is at the end of her tether. I want her to concentrate on staying strong and getting better. And she's still getting all this crap laid at her door.

I'm furious. As far as I'm concerned, my sister should take care of this. It's gone on long enough, and everyone else ends up dragged into it, it's unimaginably stressful sometimes.

I've told my sister time and time again to call the police, see a solicitor etc, she'll go so far with it and then not follow it up. This weekend, she took the new man she's seeing into her local where there was a fair chance that her ex would be. Obviously now he's pissed off again and starting his crap.

I really want to speak to my sister about this. Our relationship is tenuous at the best of times, she is bipolar and very difficult to approach. If I speak to her, I run the risk of being cut out of her life. But the way I feel at the moment, it's a risk I think I'm willing to take. My poor mum. She just can't afford the headspace atm for this.

Does anyone have any advice?

Um, go the police? Why haven't you done this years ago?

i would call the police yourself if your sister won't. it's harrassment.
yoiur mum would prob need to talk to them too thouhg... do you think she is up to that right now?

she also needs to change her phone number, and/or block his number from calling.
give her service provider a ring to see how this is done.

and then give your sister a proper bollocking.
if she wants to put up with his shit that's her look-out. but allowing him to treat your mum like this is totally out of order.

Sorry, I don't really have any constructive advice, but wanted to send love and good wishes to your poor Mum. I hope she manages to keep strong despite all the crap. And you're right, your sister should be sorting this and not winding up the ex.

Your mum can report this knob to the police and get an injunction against him on her own account, she doesn;t need your sister's permission to do so. Do you think your mum will do this or is she hanging back so as not to upset your sister?

You need to bring the police in to this situation immediately. The ex sounds completely unstable and potentially dangerous.

Hope your mum is ok - perhaps a break with you would be in order?

Sorry your mum is having to go through such an illness.

To me, your sister really has to go to the police about it again, and follow up this time.

Why do you think she won't go through with it?

Is she scared of the repercussions? Or that the police won't be able to do anything and he'll just get worse?

Can you report what the man has been doing to your mum and go about sorting it through her (with your mums permission, but without having to hassle her about it)?

It's your sisters refusal to sort it that's the real sticking point though isn't it.

Right. My mum won't change her number because when he has the boys, he needs to be able to contact someone. Understandable.

I'm not sure my sister would ever forgive me if I called the police. But I need to, don't I? Would they accept my story based on hearsay? I don't even know my sister's ex's address or phone number.

I've got so angry about this over the last couple of years. I feel powerless and like everyone is just letting him do whatever he wants.

Will be back in a bit, not ignoring replies, just watching my weekly prescription of Game of Thrones

why does he need to contact your mum when he has the boys?
he can contact your sister.

yes, you can go to the police. he is harrassing your mother!

you can surely get his phone number from your mums phone?

of course he carries on, you have let him do as he likes for years and done nothing about it.

He must be still doing it because he thinks he can get away with it.

And he can really, after all this time it must be the norm/a routine for him.

It'd be unfair to blame your sister for his behaviour though (not that you have), even though it's tempting because she hasn't effectively dealt with him so far, but that must be because she can't - for whatever reason.

It must be so frustrating seeing it all played out in front of you with such close family members OP, you can see the effect of him but able to do nothing.

I would advise risking your sister never forgiving you, your mums feelings come over hers at such a time.

What your sister makes of you choosing your mum over her would be her own affair.

woman's aid for your sister, ASAP

and as much support for your mum as possible,

she won't be able to a thing once she has had mastectomy, are the lymph nodes coming out at the same time or are they going to do them a few weeks later when the data comes back? your mum will need someone there 24hr, 7 days a week looking after her when she comes out of hospital, she shouldn't lift anything that weighs more than a half a bag of sugar,for months, she will need help with the bags that the tube drains into, she will need help getting back and forth to hospital, she can't drive for months after the op, and then she needs to check with insurance company, as all insurance companies differ, you don't want to be driving on cemo either as through the whole of the cemo cycle you are not as on it as you normally are, not worth the risk,

when she starts cemo, she will need someone there for support, the cemo and other medicines will make your mum seem bipolar, it a very up and down situation,

you need to get people who are neutral and trained to help your sister with the day to day stress of set new boundaries and accessing the help she needs,

your mum needs this to happen, and you must relive your sister of the responsibility of looking after your mum, during the after effects of such an operation,

Has your mum got anyone else that can come and stay with her when she comes out hospital? She will really need someone there. It's really dangerous not to have someone there.

she also needs someone to go to the hospital appointments with her, as it is very hard to absorb information in these meetings, and digest it, and ask the right questions, make sure she asks for copies of letters about treatment,and planed treatment.

someone needs to be at the appointments to understand how much support she will need, as cemo head and keeping on top of things, like temperature checks, medicines,food do not come easily, nor does Neutropenic Sepsis spotting, almost impossible to successfully spot in oneself, but the faster spotted the better, your mum needs someone there watching her, and helping,

please do not allow your sister to attempt it, it could be very dangerous for both of them.

ExitStencillist - why is this my responsibility? My sister is almost 40 years old and as I said, I live miles away from the rest of my family

I perhaps haven't made myself clear. My sister is NOT threatened by him. If anything, it's almost as if she craves the attention. She can look after herself and isn't in any physical danger from him, I can assure you. It's mental and emotional threats that he makes. She enables his behaviour by not doing enough to stop it, therefore involving the rest of the family. It's my mum that I'm worried for. She can't detach from all this, she's so involved with it, and she wants to support her daughter, but it's doing nobody any good.

I have tried and tried to persuade her to go to the police, but she's afraid that it'll just make things a hundred times worse, and he'll start turning up at her house.

My mum is happily married to my stepdad. He is very supportive, but like her, is in his sixties, and doesn't want the hassle that it would bring.

Sorry this is so disjointed. It doesn't make all that much sense written down. I should probably come back tomorrow to explain better when I have a clearer head.

Police to report harassment and if that doesn't work a solicitor to get an injunction or similar.

Change phone numbers or speak to service provider to have a block put on incoming calls from his number if possible.

If he's letting himself in uninvited why hasn't she had the locks changed to stop him? If he were then to force entry he could be arrested for breaking & entering / criminal damage to boot.

I am sorry to hear about your mum and this is the last thing she needs to have on her plate it needs nipping in the bud and rapid. If your sister wishes to keep winding him up and putting up with his crap then so be it but it is not fair for her to have your mum dragged into it especially now. Sounds to me like your sister needs a firm kick up the butt, sod her not speaking to you, if she were my sister I'd be making it clear that she either sorts it out or she is on her own and I'd be suggesting to my mum she does the same.

Have a stern shout at your sister to keep her problems to herself whilst your mum is ill. How the hell could she offload her crap marital problems to your mum knowing full well she had cancer? Selfish cow. Pick the phone up and tell her to control her ex or you'll call the police yourself. Your mum doesnt need this stress.

iphoned I KNOW!!! She is behaving disgustingly selfishly imo. My mum doesn't want to hear it, but she's trying to be supportive. I've spoken to my mum about it tonight, but, her illness apart, I can't seem to make her understand how this ISN'T her problem.

If you knew how hard I'd tried to get my mum to call the police... But this man... he's unstable, unpredictable, vindictive and really worries me.

One of the times that he and my sister split up, she called me to talk. When they got back together, she obviously mentioned that we had spoken, and he threatened to come up here and cut me & my family into pieces. I just don't know what to fucking do.

Please contact police/womens aid at least for advice for keeping your mum safe. This kind of harassment behaviour is red flag stuff and should be taken seriously.

Yes, your sister is an adult and makes her own decisions, but you may be able to do something practical here to support your mum.

gobbledegook1, he doesn't have a key. He walks in when she's in the house, to 'say goodnight to the boys*. And nobody does anything about it!!

If she's late to meet him when he picks up or drops off the boys, he'll send her texts calling her a cunt and a wanker.

I think I'm going to call her next week. I'm going to see my brother this weekend, and discuss it with him first - he's in the same position as me, tbh, and he will know the possible outcomes, iyswim.

I really don't have anything to lose by trying to make her sort this shit out. The way that she's dealing with this atm, she's not someone I want to have much to do with. My nephew keeps in touch of his own accord, he's an adult, so my relationship with him wouldn't suffer.

But my mum said tonight - if me and my sister were to fall out, it would just about finish her off. Do you see my problem?

I know I'm not in the situation and sometimes when people say things on a thread you've posted you know they're way off the mark.

But you've said 'My sister is NOT threatened by him. If anything, it's almost as if she craves the attention', but then said 'But this man... he's unstable, unpredictable, vindictive and really worries me', and also 'he threatened to come up here and cut me & my family into pieces'.

I think you may be underestimating the effect a man like this can have on a person, especially as it's gone on for so long and is so intense. Your sister has her children to consider too, because I'd be worried to fuck that he'd end up becoming desparate and doing something unthinkable.

I only say that because she's knocked him out a couple of times. Agent. It's all very Jeremy Kyle... and we really aren't that sort of a family.

She goads him, imo. That's what I mean, I think. She's late back on purpose to pick the boys up. She's just started seeing someone (presumably why the ex has started playing up again). So does she not mention anything to him, and be discreet for a little while? Nope - she takes the new man into a pub that she knows he frequents and waits for the fallout.

But it's not just her fallout, is it??

What zigzag said. It does seem very contradictory.

That is what I've said for the last couple of years too. I don't like him having unsupervised access to the boys for reasons that I'm too scared to even write down. He loves them, I know that. But more than anything, he wants to hurt and punish her for ever.

It's really hard to explain. I don't think he's ever physically hurt her. He tells her she's an unfit mother, that she can't look after her boys properly, intimates that he'll do something about taking them away from her.

TBH when I read your OP it sounded like your sister likes his attention. The reason being, that no person would put up with behaviour like that from someone they hate for 3 years. Unfortunately, unless your sister sorts this problem out, your mum will continue to be caught up in the mess. Does she not care her mum is really really ill? Aged 40 you'd think she'd have some kind of sense.