to honestly not know where to go with this next? I'm at my wits end.

[SerendipitousHarlot]

There is no way I can make this short. There's too much to it.

My sister was married to her ex for about 3/4 years, they have been split for 3 years and divorced for a year. I have never liked him, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same about me. They have 2 sons together, aged 4 and 5, she also has her eldest son who's 18 and my godson.

Right. Over the last 3 years, his behaviour has escalated to such a degree that I just don't know what to do. He sends my sister constant abusive texts, once she had 80 texts in a week - lets himself into her house, threatens her, and generally just displays really fucking odd behaviour.

If she doesn't respond in the manner he likes, he starts calling my mum. Telling her that her daughter is a bitch, that my mum is a shit mother to have brought up someone so disrespectful, she needs to do something about my sister and the way she behaves - at one point, he was texting my mum up to 10 times a day - she would switch her phone off and he would leave her voicemails. Sometimes he turned up at her house. As you can imagine, this was really stressful for my mum, in the end, I told her to save all the texts and think about going to a solicitor for legal advice. I have also advised this to my sister.

3 YEARS LATER - and this is still going on. And getting worse, frankly. He's been leaving my mum alone, but still being a dick in all the other ways I've mentioned.

Now. Last week my lovely mum was diagnosed with breast cancer She is extremely shocked, and very scared. She's having a mastectomy in a couple of weeks. I've been callling her every day (I live 150 miles away), and after speaking to her tonight, she's really really down because my sister's ex has started up again. My sister's been telling her all the latest worrying stuff because 'she doesn't have anyone else to talk to'

I just don't know what to do. My mum sounded so low tonight - she says she is at the end of her tether. I want her to concentrate on staying strong and getting better. And she's still getting all this crap laid at her door.

I'm furious. As far as I'm concerned, my sister should take care of this. It's gone on long enough, and everyone else ends up dragged into it, it's unimaginably stressful sometimes.

I've told my sister time and time again to call the police, see a solicitor etc, she'll go so far with it and then not follow it up. This weekend, she took the new man she's seeing into her local where there was a fair chance that her ex would be. Obviously now he's pissed off again and starting his crap.

I really want to speak to my sister about this. Our relationship is tenuous at the best of times, she is bipolar and very difficult to approach. If I speak to her, I run the risk of being cut out of her life. But the way I feel at the moment, it's a risk I think I'm willing to take. My poor mum. She just can't afford the headspace atm for this.

Does anyone have any advice?

She would swear that she hates him. Swear that the only reason she let's him behave like this is so that he can be a father to his boys. But this is sooo not healthy, not for anyone involved, least of all the boys. She can't see that though. In her mind, she would be shitty if she caused him to lessen contact with his sons.

I said that exact thing to my mum, iphoned. Who puts up with that shit? She's no shrinking violet, believe me - yet somehow, she would rather let all this carry on rather than just get the police involved properly to deal with him.

I'm almost certain that she's not scared of him. But I fucking am.

My mum really doesn't want me to talk to her about it. She doesn't want us falling out. But I can't see any other way. How can I let it carry on like this?

I know what you mean about the person being victimised seemingly encouraging the person harrassing them, but this can be just the person not dealing the the stalker effectively, which can be easier to see from the outside.

Plus, you have to factor in the effect the mental health problems your sister suffers from, even if they just distort the way she can see of dealing with this hideous man.

Nobody would encourage or choose this kind of attention, it must be very frightening and isolating for her (and that's not detracting from the pain and fear it causes you and other family members, it's not your sister, it's the bloody man who's doing it).

He might love his DCs, but he does seem much more in love with the power and control this tactic has over them and their mum.

Maybe your Mum could start screening her calls, let everything go to the message machine and only pick up when it's someone she wants to talk too. If she won't go to the Police at least this way she doesn't have to talk to him. Then she can keep the messages and have proof of him harassing her. Poor Mum she has enough on her plate.

Oh god, Agent, I don't blame my sister! It's him!

She's just so unlike me, I find it hard to relate. I would have had him locked up regularly by now, and I just honestly cannot understand how she is allowing the behaviour.

And I can't understand her mental health issues, not because I'm unsympathetic, but because I don't have any experience of it myself. I'm not sure if she actually suffers from bipolar, or if this is one of a long list of labels that she's given herself and her children over the years.

They should ban families.

At this point your sister has to take some responsibility for your mother's wellbeing. It sounds beyond awful. Both the ex h and your sister sound as though they have mental health problems.

If he just walks into your sister's home why doesn't she lock the door? I hate to blame the victim (and I don't, his behaviour is his responsibility) but it does sound as if your sister could do more to help herself. I mean she managed to leave him and divorce him, why does she leave her food unlocked? Why parade her new blond in his local?

As for your mum, why does he need to be able to contact her? If he needs to be able to contact anyone when he has the Dcs it's your sister. Your mum can and should make a complaint to the police on her own account, it's nothing to do with your sister.

Your poor mum

I understand why you're so upset and frustrated op, I don't blame you at all

Your sister sounds selfish, I can't believe she's worrying your mum about this now

I have suggested the cheap PAYG phone to both of them. And to keep it switched off when he doesn't have the boys. My mum panics a bit if he can't get hold of my sister when he has access to the kids, as he has a tendency to not look after them properly. But neither of them listen to me. And you're right, there is nothing that I can do to alter my sister's behaviour, she has to be left to get on with it to a certain degree. The reason that this is frustrating me so much is that my mum is so involved.

Chubfuddler - she leaves her door unlocked in case my 18 year old nephew forgets his key - which to my mind - and I love the bones of my nephew - is his problem! As for not locking the door while she's in the house, that's just fucking madness. And I concur about the new geezer too.

So what do I do? Do I risk hurting my mum by bollocking my sister? Or do I risk hurting my mum by standing by and doing nothing?

Awful situation to be in.

I suppose the only thing you can do really is to try to have the conversation with your sister but remain calm and clear, i.e. don't fall out with her, but put your point across. Tell her that you're sure she doesn't realise how stressed your mum is, and you know she wouldn't want to add to that ...

It is a horrible situation, OP. I think you must go to the police. It's not your responsibility to do so but you feel involved enough to post about it here. I would too, for your mum's sake. This man is a bully and if your sister is foolish enough to let him carry on pushing her around, she can't dictate that your mother has to carry the worry too - nor you for that matter.

If it were my sister, I'd make it quite clear to her that whether she agrees, or forgives me or not doesn't matter a jot. If something happened to your mum or set back her recovery from sheer worry, your sister's forgiveness would be at the bottom of the pile of your concerns, I'm guessing.

So sorry for your horrid situation. Go to the police and get their advice maybe? They don't necessarily have to dart in and arrest him - there may be other agencies they can refer you to for help. Good luck.

Sorry about your Mum's diagnosis, no helpful advice to offer, seems some good suggestions on this thread, domestic abuse is very complicated

I would bollock your sister tbh. Tell her your mum is ill, very ill (I'm sorry about that by the way) and does not need to be involved in her soap opera antics anymore.

DN can ring the doorbell if he forgets his key. If there's no one home he'll have to wait. He won't shrink in the rain.

Why doesn't your mum listen to you, about the payg phone for example? does she share dsister's drama queen tendencies?

sorry you're going through this OP. and sosorry for your mum.
i'd just keep hammeriing the point home to your sis that your mum has too much on her plate to deal with her problems too. she's behaing like a child, and is not thinking of your poor mother at all.

Precisely! He won't forget it much if he has to wait on the doorstep too many times

You see - I don't see this as domestic abuse. I see it as something that isn't being handled correctly due to the need for drama. She has it in her power to stop it - far more than me and my mum do. She is a feisty woman with an extremely bad temper - but for some reason she seems to need this in her life.

I'm going to have to steel myself got the confrontation. Try as I like, my sister does not do calm and measured, not ever. It's going to be shit. But I cannot allow my mum's mental and physical well being to be affected, not now.

Thank you all for your good wishes for my mum, btw, it's much appreciated.

It sounds like your sister is loving the drama of it. Maybe she thinks going to the police would end it all, and she likes the attention she gets from being the "victim"

Given that your mother has refused to take your very sensible advice about the PAYG phone, I don't think she's interested in a resolution to this situation. I'm really sorry all this is happening to you, family drama is shit and can be utterly draining; and your mum being ill must be incredibly stressful for you. But WRT to the nightmare ex, it would seem that you are the only person who is genuinely interested in seeking a solution, and I think you need to accept that. Maybe try being very detached and offering only strictly neutral comments when either your sister or your mother raise the subject, and see what happens.

Oh I know she wants him out if everyone's life... My mum, I mean. And she did used to be a massive drama queen, but not so much now she's that bit older.

Can I detach though? It's all they talk about, I hate hearing my mum so depressed and worn out with it all. I'm going to have to speak to my sister.

Maybe your sister feels secretly panicked and powerless by the whole thing and courting drama is the only way she knows how to deal with it.

Could you have a proper heart to heart with her and get to the bottom of this? Maybe put this in a letter if calm isn't her style. Give her the chance to ask for help, tell her what the police and women's aid can do for her, leave her with the relevant phone numbers. Then you can say, "I'll give you a week to think about this seriously, otherwise I'm going to have to step in and protect our mum from this man".

Then non molestation orders and injunctions ahoy.

The guy sounds like a complete piece of shit.
I would either come down heavy on the sister- I know she has bi-polar but it's not reason to pussy foot around her in this situation. First she needs to now stop telling your mum her problems, call you to tell you if she really has no one else, it's better than your poor mum having to listen and worry at the moment.
Or in your position- I would involve the police myself, maybe not what your mum wants but this needs to stop.
Your sister sounds like an idiot to be honest, sorry but she does. She has a new man now so why play games with the ex, ignore him, change her locks and stop being so fucking selfish and pathetic.
Best wishes for your mum x

She went to see a solicitor a few weeks ago. The solicitor is supposed to be sending him a letter warning him - this isn't the first time that this has happened. But she hasn't followed it up. I don't know if he's had the letter, what it means, how it prevents contact etc. How can he be warned off when she's still letting him walk into her house etc?

I think the letter is a great idea. I'm going to think about that a lot.

I think this letter is something to do with her being able to call the police if he steps out of line. But - she won't! So what's the point?

I might call the non emergency number for some advice too.