to honestly not know where to go with this next? I'm at my wits end.

[SerendipitousHarlot]

There is no way I can make this short. There's too much to it.

My sister was married to her ex for about 3/4 years, they have been split for 3 years and divorced for a year. I have never liked him, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same about me. They have 2 sons together, aged 4 and 5, she also has her eldest son who's 18 and my godson.

Right. Over the last 3 years, his behaviour has escalated to such a degree that I just don't know what to do. He sends my sister constant abusive texts, once she had 80 texts in a week - lets himself into her house, threatens her, and generally just displays really fucking odd behaviour.

If she doesn't respond in the manner he likes, he starts calling my mum. Telling her that her daughter is a bitch, that my mum is a shit mother to have brought up someone so disrespectful, she needs to do something about my sister and the way she behaves - at one point, he was texting my mum up to 10 times a day - she would switch her phone off and he would leave her voicemails. Sometimes he turned up at her house. As you can imagine, this was really stressful for my mum, in the end, I told her to save all the texts and think about going to a solicitor for legal advice. I have also advised this to my sister.

3 YEARS LATER - and this is still going on. And getting worse, frankly. He's been leaving my mum alone, but still being a dick in all the other ways I've mentioned.

Now. Last week my lovely mum was diagnosed with breast cancer She is extremely shocked, and very scared. She's having a mastectomy in a couple of weeks. I've been callling her every day (I live 150 miles away), and after speaking to her tonight, she's really really down because my sister's ex has started up again. My sister's been telling her all the latest worrying stuff because 'she doesn't have anyone else to talk to'

I just don't know what to do. My mum sounded so low tonight - she says she is at the end of her tether. I want her to concentrate on staying strong and getting better. And she's still getting all this crap laid at her door.

I'm furious. As far as I'm concerned, my sister should take care of this. It's gone on long enough, and everyone else ends up dragged into it, it's unimaginably stressful sometimes.

I've told my sister time and time again to call the police, see a solicitor etc, she'll go so far with it and then not follow it up. This weekend, she took the new man she's seeing into her local where there was a fair chance that her ex would be. Obviously now he's pissed off again and starting his crap.

I really want to speak to my sister about this. Our relationship is tenuous at the best of times, she is bipolar and very difficult to approach. If I speak to her, I run the risk of being cut out of her life. But the way I feel at the moment, it's a risk I think I'm willing to take. My poor mum. She just can't afford the headspace atm for this.

Does anyone have any advice?

Would you're mum agree for you to take over her number and get her a new one? I understand you're miles away but at least you could act as a buffer and be the one to call her if there was a problem.

Wishing you're mum all the best and I'm sorry you're having to manage someone else's drama

Bloody your! Insert in the above as appropriate.

Makes me wince

Honestly best, she won't have it. It's too much hassle for her to change her number. She thinks she's helping my sister by listening and trying to reason with her ex, but she's not. She's helping my sister to enable this ridiculous crap, without even realising.

Ah, I wouldn't worry. What's a misplaced apostrophe between friends?

Haven't had a chance to read the replies so please forgive me if I'm repeating what someone else has said but :

This is almost identical to my DSis and her exH. Only he was the one who was bipolar. He was abusive for 10 years to my DSis, her DS from previous DH and their 2 children (DS2 & DD)

I got soooo f'ing frustrated with her weak excuses for his continued abuse (15 months after she'd FINALLY kicked him out) that I reported him to police.

He abused me through Fb (logging onto her accounts), he abused her and her DS1 through texts & voicemails etc.

Police have a domestic violence department, they were fantastic! A great help. Went to see her at home - all organised by me over the phone.

I arranged a "free" session with a divorce solicitor for her.

She saw police, she saw solicitor as I arranged, she just felt too weak to fight him anymore and (without realising) just needed someone to take the time to make all these arrangements.

Things are fully over, never will be with kids involved I guess, but he's starting to realise, as is she, that he hasn't got power over her anymore.

Offer support and time to make these appointments.

I wish you, your sister and your mum all the love in the world xxx

Nobody can help your sister if she won't help herself. She's not helping herself so you need to direct all your energy into helping your mum.

Detach from any conversation about him; make it clear you feel that they are not dealing with him appropriately, that they don't have to put up with this behaviour but that if they chose to do do then, as much as you love them, you can't really support them by listening to them talk about him.

Arent^ fully over

but flying that all depended upon your sister's willingness to engage with services that can help; the op's sister is not in any meaningful way.

I haven't read all posts so forgive me if I am repeating anyone.

Your mum needs a non-molestation order against him to stop contact. You can present the application in court for her. Download form FL401 (I think, l check and post again) It costs £70
Your mum needs to keep her number, so she can use texts as evidence both past and future

Try and persuade your dsis to get a non-mol order also. Contact with kids could be arranged thrrough 3rd party?

She is being abused and manipulated. It is not unusually for an abused woman to not be able to deal with her abuser effectively

What flyings post shows though zookeeper, is that it takes time for someone to get to a point where they feel they can act - in her sisters case, 15 months.

It'd be similar to someone saying a woman staying with her violent husband for 20 years stayed because they wanted to/had made a choice to/got something out of the relationship. But that's just not true (at least in a lot of cases).

There are so many different factors involved in peoples lives, their different personalities and experiences, history together, domestic set up etc, that it's impossible to just say 'it's the womans fault because she should just fucking leave the bastard'.

If it were that easy to resolve the situation, why do so many people fail to act?

I know the OP's the best to know what's going on, but she does ask whether it's possible to detach yourself from the intimate knowledge of the situation? Is it coincidental that posters are answering that it's the sisters fault and she's courting the drama, when this is the OPs take on the situation? That angle is going to come across if it's written with that in mind, but other things could be going on and the solution may depend on what/who you attribute the cause to?

I thought the same of my DSis, I'd mentioned police / solicitor before and she just said "oh no, he'll go nuts", "no, can't risk kids, he just wanders in unexpected and threatens me" etc.

I rang her (when she was receiving in excess of 100 texts a day - no kidding) and said "right , this is what I'm going to do... Blah blah".

She actually said "erm... Well ok, but I don't want the police to see him, he hates the police".

But she did it. It was hard and he's still an abusive twat, but with less power. He's had divorce papers and police gave given her an emergency thing to call for help. He is so unhinged that it's frightening.

She admitted recently that she was just so drained from it all that she just saw it as a way of life

My DSis (and her family) were abused for 10 years+

10 years of his affairs, hitting, verbal and physical abuse.

10 years of drinking

10 years of gambling

Only now is she back to being "my sister". I love her so very much and hated all those years. I tried social services, the kids school, AA... Even helplines through my own work! I was desperate to see her (them) free of him.

But, and here's the "secret" bit... She's found a new man now. No one, other than me & our mum, know about him (to protect them all from twat-features). But finally she knows what it is to be loved and cherished.

This could not have happened while he had power.

I tried to ignore the situation (I was at the end of my tether) but it didn't work. Christ, she didn't invite me to their wedding in 2007 because I already knew he was a twat!!

But my love for my sis has never faltered , she knew that, knew I'd be angry, knew I'd forgive.

What I can't forgive though, is the selfishness of putting herself and him before the mental welfare of those 3 kids.

I did my best. Maybe not hard enough to start with but I know I got there in the end.

Victims of abuse need support and gentle nudges in the right direction.

This will have to be my last post of the night, I need my bed!

Gentle nudges and support have been going on for 3 years. I was horrified in the beginning, I even offered for her to come and live with me up north. None of it works.

This is about my mum now. About how she needs to back off from piling all this shit on her.

Thanks for all your advice, it really helps

OP, one of your worries is that your mum might have trouble coping with a row or a rift between you and your sister. I wonder whether you might be able to help her to cope with some of the distressing feelings that such a thing would cause her by being very clear with her that:
-- you have taken a firm and well thought-out decision about what is the right thing for you to do, and while you're happy to discuss what might happen as a result, your adult decision about how to fulfil your adult responsibilities towards your family is not up for debate
-- even though your actions (whatever you decide they should be) are likely to cause upset, they are important and necessary.

I might be barking up the wrong tree but I get the impression that a lot of people's (real or perceived) problems and responsibilities are spilling out all over the place and I wonder whether the situation might benefit from a sensible and caring person (you!) being very firm and clear about which problems and which responsibilities belong where, and following through and acting accordingly.

A particularly salient example is that dealing with abuse and harrassment is actually the responsibility of the Police, and while it's natural enough to prevaricate and wring one's hands and regret that everything has reached this pass, it doesn't serve any purpose; someone just needs to face facts and hand responsibility to them.

Re-reading that it looks a little bit psychobabble-y. I hope it isn't annoying or inappropriate. I think there might be a grain of truth in it so I am going to go ahead and post.

You have also said that your sister's ex doesn't look after the children properly, and that you worry they might come to harm while in his care. I think you should consider talking to the NSPCC about your concerns, at least.

Good luck, OP.

He sounds dangerously obsessive......

This should have been reported to the police a long time ago. This could end very VERY badly if something is not done now!

If your sister won't act on behalf of herself....then you would be right to report this guy yourself to protect your mother from him.

Nasty piece of works!