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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DC with DH for 5 days to go on a girly holiday?

75 replies

DeliaRose · 06/05/2012 16:25

It's one of my closets friends 'important' birthdays coming up, and the plan is to go for a girly holiday in Spain at the end of June.

I have 3 Dc, aged 6, 3 and 1.

The 6 year old has been having some anxiety issues of late, including nightmares about me 'going away'. He's recently got much better, and more like his normal self.

The 3 year old can be difficult at times, and we have had a strained relationship, he's very much a Daddy's boy, I worry that if I'm away for 5 days this will push us further apart.

The 1 year old - this is the biggy- is still BF, and co-sleeping. I had intended to let him self wean. I win't be able to do this if I go away. I'm the only one that can comfort him at night (up 12 times a night, sometimes).

DH is more than happy for me to go.

My friend will be upset if I don't - and it may even damage our friendship.

I don't want to go, I want to go for my friend, and I'm sure 5 days in the sun will be great, but I don't want to leave my kids. I don't think they (my friend and other friends) will understand, none of them have Dc's.

Also I'm not sure if I can bear the guilt of spending £500 and us not having a family holiday thIs year. Sad

AIB a wet lettuce?!

OP posts:
flowery · 06/05/2012 16:30

I wouldn't in those circumstances, and especially if it means foregoing a family holiday. Similarly I wouldn't be over-impressed with the friend if the friendship was damaged as a result of that decision.

margerykemp · 06/05/2012 16:31

you are not being unreasonalbe at all

GO!

diddl · 06/05/2012 16:33

TBH, if they won´t understand, they´re not really friends, are they?

I couldn´t have left mine at that age, not "just" for a girls holiday.

And if you don´t want to go-why would you?

blackeyedsusan · 06/05/2012 16:34

not having a family holiday is quite a big deal for the 6 year old. (if my 5 year old is anything to go by)

if your friendship is that ragile that putting you family first is going to damage it, it is not that great a friendship.

if you are going to pull out, go with the can't afford family holiday option as this is the one they are most likely to understand as non parents.

difficultpickle · 06/05/2012 16:34

I wouldn't go in your circumstances and if your friend can't understand why then they aren't much of a friend imvho.

I lost a friend when I had ds as she couldn't understand why I could no longer afford to spend over £100 each on dinner when we went out (which I could afford easily in the days before I had to start forking out over £1000 month in childcare!).

Hebiegebies · 06/05/2012 16:34

I wouldn't go, the reasons you give for each child alone would be enough for me to not go. Your kids willbe with you for ever, if your friend puts her holiday above your kids need for you she is no friend

I do believe it's OK to go away and leave the kids with their father, but not for 5 days when there is so much at stake for each child.

Will you really enjoy the holiday if the kids are unhappy

squeakytoy · 06/05/2012 16:35

If it is at the expense of the rest of the family not getting a holiday then YABU to go.

Original poster
DeliaRose · 06/05/2012 16:36

I think I feel as if the friendship would be damaged because she has been their alot for me in the past, and probably feels as though she has made many a sacrifice for me. I would feel lame if I couldn't even do this...

OP posts:
DinahMoHum · 06/05/2012 16:36

im all for getting away without the children, and try to do it when i can, but in those circumstances I wouldnt, mainly about the 6 year old and 1 year old.

Original poster
DeliaRose · 06/05/2012 16:37

We could probably manage a cheap family holiday, perhaps in the Uk...

It god I wish this wasn't do bloody hard!

I think she will think I'm just making excuses

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 06/05/2012 16:38

YABU

You don't want to go and it's not exactly the right time for your children either.

If your friend can't understand that, then she's being very selfish imo.

diddl · 06/05/2012 16:39

Maybe she has done a lot for you-but this isn´t just about you, is it?

Plus, you´ve got to pay & if you can´t really afford it-well, you can´t!

Original poster
DeliaRose · 06/05/2012 16:39

DH thinks I should go, is actively encouraging me, he thinks it will be great for me to get some of 'me' back.

Makes it even harder

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 06/05/2012 16:40

If she is a true friend she will understand that you have a young family, and cannot just swan off for 5 days at this point in time.

I have a friend who I would love to go away with for a few days, but I appreciate she has children and commitments and just cant do it. I wouldnt fall out with her because of this.

I would offer to do something special with her for her birthday, that doesnt involve 5 days away, but is still above what you would normally do on her birthday.

ViolaCrayola · 06/05/2012 16:40

I wouldn't go in the circumstances you describe - try to explain it really fully to your friend if poss - especially about the breastfeeding.

Also, can you do something special with her instead? A nice meal or day out? A nice thoughtful pressie too?

diddl · 06/05/2012 16:41

TBH I´d hate 5days in Spain in JUne-too hot for me.

Rindercella · 06/05/2012 16:42

At the expense of a family holiday I personally wouldn't go. I would explain to your friend and perhaps suggest a night/weekend away with her closer to home when your DC3 has self weaned.

It's not that you're weak, not even being able to do this. It's just that now is not the right time for you and your family for you to do it.

Original poster
DeliaRose · 06/05/2012 16:43

I've tried to explain about bf, but she just doesn't get it. I think the fact that he's 1yr + makes it a non-reason IYSWIM

OP posts:
difficultpickle · 06/05/2012 16:43

Can't you do something special together in this country, just the two of you at another weekend? An overnight trip to a spa hotel will be considerably less.

Original poster
DeliaRose · 06/05/2012 16:47

Diddyl- I would live 5 days in Spain! I could read a book!! But I would feel sick the whole time Sad

I have started to 'encourage' self weaning in preparation, but it's been meet with lots of crying and frustration ( both me and Ds!)

OP posts:
ViolaCrayola · 06/05/2012 16:47

Well it's shame she doesn't get it about the breastfeeding/co-sleeping/night waking but you are not being unreasonable at all from a mother's perspective - I would just say it's not possible to wean him at the moment, he's not ready.

I weaned DS at 15 months, partly as I had to go away for a work trip but he was very ready and I was going to do it anyway.

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 06/05/2012 16:48

I wouldn't go even without the circumstances you describe, but definately not with them (but then I hate being away from my kids for just one night and don't understand how people manage to relax leaving their young kids behind when they are on holiday)

If she doesn't understand then she's not worth the bother anyway. Tell her you'll arrange a special night out or a spa day or something for when she's back and you'll spoil her then as the little one is too young and is still BF for you to be away?

Original poster
DeliaRose · 06/05/2012 16:48

Bisjo- a spa break is the standard for birthdays, we usually do it as a joint celebration

OP posts:
Original poster
DeliaRose · 06/05/2012 16:49

Oh god, I wish someone would come along and deal with this for me Sad I hate being in this situation

OP posts:
BerryMojito · 06/05/2012 16:50

I agree with those saying don't go, you have a number of good reasons! Is there any way you could maybe go for a couple of nights and then come home early? I am doing much the same thing in the summer (although mine are much older than yours!).