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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave DC with DH for 5 days to go on a girly holiday?

75 replies

DeliaRose · 06/05/2012 16:25

It's one of my closets friends 'important' birthdays coming up, and the plan is to go for a girly holiday in Spain at the end of June.

I have 3 Dc, aged 6, 3 and 1.

The 6 year old has been having some anxiety issues of late, including nightmares about me 'going away'. He's recently got much better, and more like his normal self.

The 3 year old can be difficult at times, and we have had a strained relationship, he's very much a Daddy's boy, I worry that if I'm away for 5 days this will push us further apart.

The 1 year old - this is the biggy- is still BF, and co-sleeping. I had intended to let him self wean. I win't be able to do this if I go away. I'm the only one that can comfort him at night (up 12 times a night, sometimes).

DH is more than happy for me to go.

My friend will be upset if I don't - and it may even damage our friendship.

I don't want to go, I want to go for my friend, and I'm sure 5 days in the sun will be great, but I don't want to leave my kids. I don't think they (my friend and other friends) will understand, none of them have Dc's.

Also I'm not sure if I can bear the guilt of spending £500 and us not having a family holiday thIs year.

AIB a wet lettuce?!

OP posts:

mirpuppet · 06/05/2012 17:37

To be the harsh one -- do you think you are going to be good company stressed out about your children on a holiday with childless people?

Honestly they probably will have more fun without you moping around and calling home constantly to see how the children are doing.

igggi · 06/05/2012 17:37

Steben, why does the OP need encouragement to wean? I've never heard that bf is meant to be stopped altogether at one year old.

mirpuppet · 06/05/2012 17:38

FYI I'm being devil's advocate so you don't feel guilty about not going -- really your friends will not mind.

diddl · 06/05/2012 17:40

"My friend will be upset if I don't - and it may even damage our friendship.

I don´t understand that at all.

"I don't want to go, I want to go for my friend,"

If I were your friend I´d rather you not go under those circumstances.

If I really wanted you there, I´d chose something that you could easily do with me.

Shriekable · 06/05/2012 17:43

I really don't know why you feel you should be putting your friend before your DC, surely their needs come first? She doesn't sound much of a friend, guilting you into joining the girls on holiday when she is fully aware of the turmoil this could cause at home for you. I think the problem is that you're simply having trouble saying no to her, as you said yourself that you don't want to go. Its great that DH is being so supportive - he might feel differently 2 days in when DC1 is having nightmares and DC3 hasn't eaten for 48 hours . . . imagine how you would feel then, stuck in Spain with your 'friend'.

diddl · 06/05/2012 17:47

You´re both adults-I don´t get why you can´t just say no & she can´t just accept it.

Thatisnotitatall · 06/05/2012 17:48

I can never get my head around people who are self important enough to expect others to spend very large sums of money and set aside several days for their celebrations - more often hen nights but birthdays seem to be going this way too for some. How important must somebody feel to ask that their friends spend the family holiday budget and take 5 days out in the name of one friends' birthday! If 6 of you including birthday-friend of you are invited say, and you are all around the same age, is that 3000 pounds and 25 days to be set aside for birthday celebrating within your friendship group, or is only the one friend deserving of this level of commitment from her friends?

Just playing devil's advocate really, I am sure your friend is lovely, but surely she must be just a touch self absorbed and thoughtless if she is trying to emotionally blackmail you into going on to her 5 day long, pay for yourself, celebration? Even people without kids cannot necessarily find that amount of money and time off work to celebrate anyone but a partner's birthday!

WorraLiberty · 06/05/2012 17:49

I often wonder if all these Birthday-Zillas were pandered to on every single birthday by their parents?

The idea of any adult acting like this because it's her "Speshal daaaay" and everyone should jump to her tune, actually makes me feel a bit sick.

If you think not jumping through hoops for her and not putting her 'needs' above those of your children is likely to damage your friendship....well what sort of friendship was it?

Offer her a meal and a drink and if she gets sulky, tell her to grow up.

Thatisnotitatall · 06/05/2012 17:51

I added up wrongly - 30 days holiday would be needed to celebrate the same way for each of a group of 6 friends... 18 days from a typical working person's 25 day entitlement if 2 days of each are weekends...

onelittlefish · 06/05/2012 17:56

Quite frankly I can't understand why people have to do such extravagant celebrations - it is just wrong to expect people to spend so much money on a birthday.

If you don't want to go then you should not feel pressurised to. £500 is a lot to spend on what is, fundamentally a birthday party.

Badvoc · 06/05/2012 17:59

Your friend is being U, not you!

Dont leave your kids if you dont want to.

If it "damages" the friendship, then the friendship cant have been that great to begin with, can it?

rubyslippers · 06/05/2012 17:59

I don't think you want to go and you need permission that that's ok

I wouldn't do it And your friend should get that - £500 and at the expense of a family holiday is not reasonable

I feeding dd who is 2.5 years - I had a weekend away and had to express - my boobs were failry engorged

An enforced weaning like this could leave you with mastitis

Solola · 06/05/2012 18:04

Soon as I read your post the words 'I don't want to go' jumped out at me. So, as others have said, you know in your heart you don't want to go so don't do it.

There will be plenty of time/opportunity in the future for time away with the girls. I have three boys the same age as yours and I know the need to get away from it all and reconnect with who you are in your own right can be overwhelming sometimes. I spent 1 night away last year and it felt wonderful but then I was ready to come home. Planning to repeat that every 6 months to recharge my batteries!

Your husband is being lovely encouraging you to have some space for yourself though. Take him up of the offer and spend a day out with friends somewhere instead.

Original poster

DeliaRose · 06/05/2012 18:09

Your right ruby... I say to Ds I don't want to leave the kids and I get , I say to my friend I'm breastfeeding and I get

No one's said to me, "of course you don't want to leave the kids!"

OP posts:

Original poster

DeliaRose · 06/05/2012 18:10

Dh not ds

OP posts:

Mrsmuppethead · 06/05/2012 18:15

I wouldn't want to go either and I would say no and start looking at family hols instead, (nothing ambitious..in fact with 3 small children, spend the £500 on a nanny coming in for a week and DH and you sit with your feet in a sand pit drinking cheap wine and eating chips!). BTW why is DH so keen for you to go, is he concerned that you are overtired and wants you to have a treat and by saying no you are sort of ruining it for him..if this is the case, explain it wouldn't be a treat, you'd actually dread it, but you really appreciate him caring enough to say yes and would love to plan something on a smaller scale..maybe even with him, nudge nudge, wink, wink!!

ENormaSnob · 06/05/2012 18:35

I wouldn't spend 500 quid on a jaunt to Spain for one if we weren't having a family holiday.

ImperialBlether · 06/05/2012 18:40

I wouldn't want to leave such small children for so long. Your friend has no children and basically hasn't a clue how your children and you will feel at being separated for so long.

I also think it's selfish for one person to have a holiday if that means the others can't.

HappyMummyOfOne · 06/05/2012 18:43

I couldnt go knowing it means no family holiday plus five days precious holiday leave, thats without the issues surrounding the children.

Your friend can plan what she likes for her birthday but cant expect everybody to abide by what she chooses.

jellybeans · 06/05/2012 19:32

YABU in those circumstances. The little ones would probably miss you terribly. I couldn't be in another country when mine were that age. I have friends who have and it doesn't bother me as it is up to the individual. But for ME I could never do that. If I lost a friend, so be it-family first.

Hebiegebies · 06/05/2012 19:38

Co sleep for as long as you want to, don't let anyone dictate how long you continue or how soon you stop.

Sounds as if you and your baby don't want to stop though, good on you.

Goldrill · 06/05/2012 20:04

My DD is just coming up 18 months and still BF morning and night and is not overly impressed if she wakes in the night and gets DP rather than me. We stopped co-sleeping a while back. I am just now at the point where I'm ok with the idea of leaving her for an overnight in the next couple of months. OK: she's a PFB, but I could not give a toss if anyone thinks that's excessive or wrong. Even now, a longer trip would be out of the question as I don't want to wean until she's ready. My choice: hope it is of benefit to her/us and am also prepared for the fact it may not make a huge difference in the long run - but it's still my choice!

Before I had her, I would have thought that was madness. Circumstances change and your priorities adapt, sometimes in ways your peers are going to find unfathomable if they haven't gone through the same change. The choices you make as a mum are massively important to you and you should be allowed to do what you feel is right. I think being a mum makes you a bit more "selfish" in some peoples' eyes because you put the needs of your DCs first, but you're being the opposite of selfish.

Just tell her you love her dearly, you don't expect her to understand and you wish it were possible, but it's not.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 06/05/2012 20:13

I don't want to go

That's all that matters really. For whatever reason (and the ones you give are good) you don't want to go. If she really is your friend then she should understand that.

If there's any way you can afford for the whole family to go to Spain that week (or to overlap for part of the week) then I'd consider that and try to catch up with your friend for part of her holiday.

Otherwise just think of it as just that: her holiday. Presumably you wouldn't expect to choose where any of your friends spend their holidays so why should they decide where you spend yours?

dexter73 · 06/05/2012 20:20

"I often wonder if all these Birthday-Zillas were pandered to on every single birthday by their parents?

The idea of any adult acting like this because it's her "Speshal daaaay" and everyone should jump to her tune, actually makes me feel a bit sick.

If you think not jumping through hoops for her and not putting her 'needs' above those of your children is likely to damage your friendship....well what sort of friendship was it?

Offer her a meal and a drink and if she gets sulky, tell her to grow up."

What Worraliberty said above. Your friend needs to get over herself.

lagoonhaze · 06/05/2012 20:30

FFS why shouldn't a one year old be co sleeping if it works for the family? Next you'll be saying a one yr old shouldn't be BF. Are you my mother????

OP does your friend have children? If she has then she's not being fair. If your relationship could be so severely damaged by this then she's not a friend.

I wouldn't go personally- mainly because of the Bfing and also the cost. I would be concerned about the anxiety issues reappearing too.

If these weren't a concern then maybe I would consider if. I do think it's lovely your DP is encouraging and recognises that you need space to get " you" back. Can this be achieved another way?

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