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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH over this fucking lie in?

85 replies

PassMeTheWino · 06/05/2012 08:18

I really need to know who is BU here because I am so cross right now Im not sure Im thinking straight.

DH and I have two children, 6 and 1. The 1 year old is teething and waking a lot. Tbh teething or not the baby wakes a lot, a lot. For this reason DP chooses to sleep on the sofa, its huge, its comfy and it saves both of us bring woken 6 million times a night. Twice have nights been so bad that I have asked for his help, 2 times in a year. I strive to not ask for his help as his work involves heavy and dangerous machinery Id worry about him going to work tired.

Because nights are bad for me, come Saturday mornings every now and then I'll get a lie in. I wake up with the baby, get his nappy changed, him dressed, myself dressed the eldest dressed. I come down, give the baby breakfast and if everyone is well and happy I slope off for 1-2 hours shut eye.

Thats how it went yesterday. Afterwards I said did he want to do the same tomorrow? (this whole lie in thing is very very recent, so he'd not done it yet). He said possibly, depends what time we all get up, if he does he'll go upstairs once we're all down. Great, fine.

So, baby wakes at 6am the eldest comes and joins us, I get the baby changed he screams a lot (teething, ear ache, hates his nappy being put on) I get the eldest change and notice hes tip out one of his toy boxes. I quickly put the toys back in (takes about 3 minutes) and DH comes up with a face like a slapped arse and starts giving me grief about 'all the noise'. I was thinking WTF?!

We all went down its 06.45 hes got a good 2-3 hours before the baby needs a nap so he can go up and sleep.

Cue huge row. Apparently hes too awake now, all my crashing around for am hour and a half. And he'll make sure he does the same next time I want a lie in.

WTAF? I was trying to get everyone dressed and sorted and downstairs and fed (just like I do on a morning of my potential lie in) so he could go upstairs.

Now hes got a face like thunder being a complete fucking martyr and refusing to go. Its all my fault of course.

WIBU? Because right now all I can think is he's being a fucking wanker.

prepares to be flamed

OP posts:
doggiesayswoof · 06/05/2012 10:30

but the DH was downstairs on the couch and OP was upstairs with DC

OP YANBU

Original poster
PassMeTheWino · 06/05/2012 10:34

Trixy, he was downstairs. The toy box could have waited but really it took me 2-3 minutes to fix.

PP who mentioned a bigger nappy hes in size 6 (hes huge) and they seem to fit well. 5+ are too small and leak loads. 6's fit ok and only leak a little. Ive given up trying to figure out why. Stupid nappies.

OP posts:
Kayano · 06/05/2012 10:38

My DH got the baby sorted on a sat morning! He just gets in with it and let me lie in til 11.30!

Why do so many women put up with lazy selfish husbands?!

My husband uttered the words 'well one of us has to go to work you know'. Angry he has NEVER uttered them again!

KatieScarlett2833 · 06/05/2012 10:40

Chez Scarlett the routine went

He did the nappies, I did the feeds (cos I have the norks)

We both did bathtime and storytime (alternating child each night)

His lie-in was Saturday, mine was Sunday.

I thought that was normal?

trixymalixy · 06/05/2012 10:41

Ah sorry, should read properly before posting!

I do think if it's your turn for a lie in you shouldn't have to get up at all though. I can't go back to sleep if I get woken too much.

He does sound like he's pretty selfish and immature though. You deserve much more of a lie in if you are up in the night.

trixymalixy · 06/05/2012 10:42

KatieScarlett, it's much the same in our house, we get a lie in each.

clam · 06/05/2012 10:47

He's going to "make you pay" and has pledged to make a shodload of noise next time you're trying to catch up on some much-needed sleep?

Hmm, he sounds nice.

margerykemp · 06/05/2012 10:48

You need to find a different brand of nappy that doesn't leak. No wonder DS isn't sleeping if his PJs are wet!

I'll reiterate others who say you are not getting a lie in. It is v telling that your DP's own DC has such a poor bond with him that he cries for you when they are together. A good Dad should be just as good at functioning on little sleep, getting all DCs up dressed, fed etc as you.

At this rate you might as well be a single parent. Are you washing DPs socks too?

Kayano · 06/05/2012 10:49

We do it:

I do all the night feeds on weeknights
He does bath and bed on weeknights.
We do a day each at the weekend

Original poster
PassMeTheWino · 06/05/2012 10:57

Marge youre very wrong in all that you just said.

The babys pjs are ever so slightly damp and it only occurs from 4-5am in a small area (on his hip, he sleeps on his side) and is very much not the reason he wakes so much. If it was a simple nappy change would help. It doesnt.

The reason the baby cries for me is because hes teething, it hurts, I have boobs which he loves dearly and doesnt want boobs too far from his reach.

I dont like how Im having to defend myself here.

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 06/05/2012 10:57

I have to agree with everyone else. If you are getting up and sorting the kids you are not getting a lie in.

Tell him that. Better yet, go check into a hotel alone for one night. Just hand him the kids and walk out the door, tell him you'll be back after 11 the next day.

maryjane23 · 06/05/2012 11:00

I think you're doing too much here and deserve a proper rest!
We have a similar arrangement (1yr old, DH on sofa so he can sleep) and I was getting lie-ins on Sats (except recently as he's been ill), and I would just bring her in to him & go straight back to bed (as if I get too awake it's harder to go back to sleep) & he has to change her nappy, give her breakfast etc. I think that's reasonable for 1 morning a week!
I admit there were occasions I've come in and told him off for making too much noise (cue row...), but I ended up wearing super strong ear plugs so I couldn't hear a thing, problem solved.
Everyone is generally touchy in the early morning, so maybe best to talk about it at a different time when you're both (hopefully) not too knackered and agree on exactly what the arrangement is & what is going to be in future (which should involve you getting a REAL lie-in) Good luck!

MadameChinLegs · 06/05/2012 11:02

Well, I think if you are doing night wakings in the week, DH should do night wakings in the weekend. He has the sofa in the week so he can get some good quality sleep, and you have it fri and sat nights so you can have some good quality sleep.

Also, one day at the weekend, DH needs to get up with the kids, dress and feed and entertain them until you choose to get up and the same for him on another weekend day.

This would be fair on both of you. Your DH is NOT pulling his weight.

pumpkinsweetie · 06/05/2012 11:05

Your DH sounds like a complete and utter lazy git -yes he works but you also work bringing up his kids!!
You need a proper rest which involves him getting off his butt and getting the kids dressed etc himself whilst you STAY in bed!
He isnt really giving you a lay-in as a lay-in involves staying put until a decent time.
You deserve a rest too or you will just burn-out.
Cant believe he is having a tantrum over a few spilt toysAngry

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/05/2012 11:07

Dear god - a lie in is when your DH scoops the children up and downstairs as soon as they wake up and shuts the door quietly leaving you to sleep.

You come down 2 hours later to find that they have had breakfast, built a den and are watching films.

You have made yourself a martyr OP, and your DH is a pillock.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 06/05/2012 11:15

Op im in a similar position, but the others are right that's not a lie in....it's a nap. He is getting bit too use to you doing everything to give him a good nights sleep....when my dh is taking me for granted a instist he comes to bed he soon remembers how much he appricates me and how much I do.

Tbh i couldn't do what you do, I am like your dh if I wake up too much I cat get back to sleep. So new rules for lie ins, fe parent who is up does everything and the other stays in bed.

suzikettles · 06/05/2012 11:36

Why was he sleeping downstairs if he didn't need to get up for work the next day? Its his own fault he got woken up when you all came downstairs then.

Sorry, I agree it's not a lie in if you have to get up with the children before going back to bed. Unless he's got something wrong eith his hands then your dh is perfectly capable of looking after his own dcs, and the more he does it the more they'll all get used to it and you'll get a proper break.

margerykemp · 06/05/2012 11:55

If he's fine in his damp PJs then why do you change them? You are contradicting yourself. It IS difficult to hear when lots of people are criticising someone you love, but I'm sorry, you did ask and it'll do you good in the long run to look at your whole relationship with fresh eyes. You have given many clues to your DP's lack of respect for you. But maybe you're just not ready to see that yet and are desperately trying to justify his behaviour, eg teething/breastfeeding.

Original poster
PassMeTheWino · 06/05/2012 12:09

Margery I have no problem with everyone criticising him, hes pissed me off! I had a problem with you criticising me.

Pp Im not being a martry Im far to black and white for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
PassMeTheWino · 06/05/2012 12:11

I missed that last bit magery. I wasnt 'defending his behaviour' by making excuses of bf a teething baby. Its really quite simple, I have a very booby baby. He feels shite, he seeks comfort in which comforts him - my breasts. So again youre criticising me not my DH.

OP posts:
pickles35 · 06/05/2012 12:35

My friends baby is booby and exactly the same. I think this damp pjs thing is very harsh.

Original poster
PassMeTheWino · 06/05/2012 12:37

Harsh in what way pickle?

OP posts:
pickles35 · 06/05/2012 12:40

Ah sorry in your defence. My mates baby is just the same he's a boob addict. Makes it hard to get a break. Your other half calmed down yet?

GoPoldark · 06/05/2012 12:52

Do you know what I'd do here?

Add up the number of hours sleep both of you have actually had over the last week. Show it to him. Ask him how he thinks he'd feel having had that much sleep over the last week.

Yes, he operates machinery etc., I can see why you let him sleep. Fine, but it does mean that the BOTTOM line is that both of you have busy active days EVERY day, but only one of you is continually sleep deprived.

Make him think about those bald FACTS of the situation.

On non-work days, he should be making sure he does everything to facilitate you catching up on some sleep. Or eventually you'll end up unwell. He's bring stupid, unfair and a crap partner.

thestringcheesemassacre · 06/05/2012 12:57

Can't your DH get up, get the baby, bring him into you for feeding (whilst you're still in PJS etc) you feed, once done he takes baby/older DC downstairs gets them dressed and breakfasted etc. All the while you are in bed, sleepy like.
One day a week, it's really not too much for him to do.
And also ear plugs, ram them in.