AIBU or is DH over this fucking lie in?

[PassMeTheWino]

I really need to know who is BU here because I am so cross right now Im not sure Im thinking straight.

DH and I have two children, 6 and 1. The 1 year old is teething and waking a lot. Tbh teething or not the baby wakes a lot, a lot. For this reason DP chooses to sleep on the sofa, its huge, its comfy and it saves both of us bring woken 6 million times a night. Twice have nights been so bad that I have asked for his help, 2 times in a year. I strive to not ask for his help as his work involves heavy and dangerous machinery Id worry about him going to work tired.

Because nights are bad for me, come Saturday mornings every now and then I'll get a lie in. I wake up with the baby, get his nappy changed, him dressed, myself dressed the eldest dressed. I come down, give the baby breakfast and if everyone is well and happy I slope off for 1-2 hours shut eye.

Thats how it went yesterday. Afterwards I said did he want to do the same tomorrow? (this whole lie in thing is very very recent, so he'd not done it yet). He said possibly, depends what time we all get up, if he does he'll go upstairs once we're all down. Great, fine.

So, baby wakes at 6am the eldest comes and joins us, I get the baby changed he screams a lot (teething, ear ache, hates his nappy being put on) I get the eldest change and notice hes tip out one of his toy boxes. I quickly put the toys back in (takes about 3 minutes) and DH comes up with a face like a slapped arse and starts giving me grief about 'all the noise'. I was thinking WTF?!

We all went down its 06.45 hes got a good 2-3 hours before the baby needs a nap so he can go up and sleep.

Cue huge row. Apparently hes too awake now, all my crashing around for am hour and a half. And he'll make sure he does the same next time I want a lie in.

WTAF? I was trying to get everyone dressed and sorted and downstairs and fed (just like I do on a morning of my potential lie in) so he could go upstairs.

Now hes got a face like thunder being a complete fucking martyr and refusing to go. Its all my fault of course.

WIBU? Because right now all I can think is he's being a fucking wanker.

prepares to be flamed

If it was me I'd say 'well there's no point us both being up' and slope off back to bed

I agree tiredness makes everyone unreasonable-it's the kind of pointless argument DH and I would have had about a year ago, when DD2 was little.

I was tempted I must admit. He'd have made me pay though, he'd have made shit loads of noise (as he said he will do next time anyway) or been an even bigger tantruming bitch for the rest of the day.

Where´s the lie in??

Also, although you weren´t delberately noisy, it probably didn´t seem like that to him.

Am confused though-was all this happening downstairs where he was on the sofa sleeping?

No he gets up with the two of them you might open half an eye before going back to sleep.

Do not get them dressed let him do it.

It's for his own benefit in a way a well rested wife will help the whole family.

No one truly realises the effect of having months of unbroken sleep it wears you down. In our house it was the rule that when I was breastfeeding and up every night DH got up to see to the other ones, I also got a lie in at the weekends.

I take it he does have sone redeeming features? Cos he sounds like a knob.

Your DP doesn't get a lie in if he's not doing night feeds, you do.

He needs to pull his fucking finger out start pulling his weight, starting with getting up and changing his baby in the morning so you can stay in bed and catch up on your sleep.

If working tired is such a major issue for him then you get the sofa and earplugs on Friday and Saturday night, he does a couple of night shifts, you have a lie-in each (and IMO that would still be pretty generous)

Perhaps once he realises what you ate coping with every night he might stop being such an arse.

Lie ins are the new currency in my house, we spend hours negotiating them. A proper lie in is the other party getting baby breakfast etc which is much nicer than going up for a nap. I'd tackle him later when he is less moody!

Sounds like the consensus of opinion is that you should be having proper lie ins and more of them. He's shot himself in the foot a bit having a tantrum!

So you have done 363 nights solo for the last year, and he's helped with 2. You haven't had a full nights sleep for at least a year, and you don't get a real lie in either. And all the while he gets a full nights sleep every night, then whines when his "lie in" gets interupted exactly like yours does. DH an I are in complete agreement, he's being an utter twat.

FWIW, we split night duties 6 to 1. DH dealt with all the night wakings on Friday night, got a lie in on Saturday. I dealt with all the night wakings Saturday through to Thursday night, and got a lie in on Sunday. He was never too tired for work, but we both got 1 full night, and one lie in each week (more in his case!)

Your partner would spend the day being a "tantrumming bitch" because he had to do a bit of parenting

What. A. Twat.

Some men are such fucking Martyrs. Buy a violin and play him a tune. Selfish pillock.

I remember having a very similar row. Ermmmm...there are never any winners in the who works hardest/does the most/deserves the peace arguments as each party feels hard done by. (and yes..I am well aware that it is actually you and there are quite a few DHs/DPs out there who have absolutely no clue..just saying, there is never a winner)..and then it is vastly exacerbated by the tiredness factor, absolutely no one is at their best when they are tired and to save the day the only thing to do is to make a cuppa, go over for a snuggle, say 'I'm sorry it was so noisy, bloody hard isn't it..do you remember when we used to sleep in until 10, have sex all morning then open a bottle of wine' and he should hopefully hug you back and say 'yes...sorry..bit grumpy myself'. If he doesn't then, yes he is an arse, grab the kids and go out for the day and leave him to file his nails! (a shortened version is to send him a text with a childish insult...'Bogey face' or 'smelly bum' etc etc and break the ice'.). BTW it will all get better, but takes a bit of time so hang in there and try and retain a sense of humour! Summer is on it's way

Does he ever get the baby dressed at all OP? Bathe him? Change nappies? If not then he needs to learn how....you getting up and "handing him a clean dry baby" is not on....especially because it's only because you think he'll be less grumpy that way!

You ought to be left undisturbed on your lie in and HE ought to get the baby take the baby down and change him there.

MrsMuppet I don't think the OP should be sending him creepy texts! HE should be apologising to her....and why would reducing herself to a child via silly txts be helpful?

MrsMuppet, that would be a fabulous strategy if this were a one off lapse from a normally thoughtful partner, but it sounds like this is yet another example of the dp behaving like his kids and partner are an irritating addendum to his real life...

This guy doesn't get broken nights, he gets a full nights sleep.

So why, please explain, does he need extra rest?

And what's this all "he would have made me pay" all about.

I struggle to see his redeeming features TBH.

I might be spoilt though as DH does loads!

Sending texts of any kind wont work. The best thing to do now is not mention it anymore and let him go away and mull over it. Because he cant seriously think its me being O.O.O surely?!

Hes very good with the eldest to be fair, he isnt lazy with him. In fact he really isnt ever 'lazy' with the kids at all.

Hes just being a massive twat about this.

But why are you not getting a proper lie in Wino? When dd that start? Can't he dress and change the baby and leave you asleep?

He could yes, he did once I think. The baby tends to create if I 'dump and run' I like to make sure everyones calm, dressed and happy so when I go up I dont hear the baby screaming for me (they can all cope of course but I get The Guilt and wont sleep). Its just easier for me to actually fall asleep if I know everyone downstairs is good and happy.

What is that I see behind me? A rod possibly?

So you're not even getting a proper lie in, really. Is he also the kind of man who thinks he's doing you a massive favour when he changes a nappy? Or that he's 'babysitting' when he's just looking after the DCs? His attitude stinks anyway. Sulky men are so unattractive.

Give him this.

(BTW if baby's nappy is leaking a little bit it is possibly time to go up a size)

Umm.

That is not how a lie in works! On your lie in days he gets up with the DCs. On his lie in days you get up with the DCs.

By now neither of you should be under the illusion that getting children up, dressed and breakfasted is a quiet affair.

YANBU btw but clear the air with your DH sooner rather than later.

Or tell him he is clearly not tired enough to need a lie-in if he can't sleep through a bit of noise... clearly that won't help, but just think of his face if you did say it

Does your DH have anything to do with your baby, because it doesn't sound like it. I would be rectifying that pretty fucking sharpish. He'd be sorry he ever picked a row with me over something like this because my immediate answer would be a very quick rebalancing of the nighttime workloads so he could appreciate his lie ins more!

Even if he's good with the kids (once they are all nicely clean and presentable for him....) from what you've said, it doesn't sound like he respects you. Your needs don't come second to his, you should be equal partners.

He is being a dick.

However, I don't get all this getting dressed upstairs business and the toy box could have waited. The rule in our house is that whoever is on getting up duty gets the kids downstairs ASAP to try and not wake the other too much. All dressing, nappy changing etc happens downstairs out of earshot of the sleeper.