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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think ex is a prick for.......

54 replies

Mrbojangles1 · 05/05/2012 22:21

AIBU to think ex is a prick for sending me a lawyers letter demanding contact after 10 years of virtually no contact with ds

I was so shocked when I opend the letter I burst in to tears

It's usual shit not paying maintenance, showing up for a while when suits then disappearing.

Then when half sister came along buying things for one but not for the other ds has never had a Christmas gift off ex half sister atteneds a private school meanwhile

At one point when ex was seeing ds 6 at the but I had to put a stop to it ex whent to the shops leaving ds looking after half sister Shock also he was doing in secret ex was getting his dad to pretend he wanted ds for the weekend (wanted them to have a relationship at least ) then was driving ds straight to ex home

How did I find out ds told me hene he got home and the whole sordid thing came out and grandpa had to fess up about the whole deceit

How is it some men can think they can waltz back in after so long with a straight fucking face

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 05/05/2012 22:24

how old is your ds now?

oh and yanbu, he is

GrahamTribe · 05/05/2012 22:31

YANBU and I'd be furious and in tears too, but why the sudden change? What's the SOB up to? Call me a cynic but I don't believe that people suddenly change and become nice, wanting to see their child and really make a go of a relationship after being so awful for years. Have you a new man in your life (or might the ex think that you have?).

If I were you I'd take legal advice but I wouldn't respond too quickly. See if he gets bored when he doesn't get an instant, panicked response.

Original poster
Mrbojangles1 · 05/05/2012 22:32

I always said ex can see ds but their are a list of outstanding issues that must be ironed out he would adhere to the rules I set then I am not sure what elese I can do

My list

Must provide phone number(which he has always refused)

Must provide a home address(which he has always refused)

Maintenance (which he has never paid)

To acknowledge that leaving 6 year old child in charge of a 4 year old is wrong( which he dose not think is wrong)

To acknowledge that him and his father lied to me about the whereabouts of my son for 2 months(which he sees no issue with)

And to start buying dd christmas and birthday gifts or a least acknowledge these days which a speical to ds just like he dose with his daughter

To ring and cancel ahead of time if not coming (had a habit of just not Turing up and being shocked when I asked him to explain himself)

I don't think IABU to ask these things it's all I ever asked of him I will be taking this list and a letter from my ds to my lawyer on Tuesday of the first appointment they give me

What if he won't agree to these terms but still wants to push things he never agreed to these things so far:(

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Original poster
Mrbojangles1 · 05/05/2012 22:33

Got married a couple of years ago I have been told on the grate vine he has just moved in with his gf and ds half sister

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LadyWithEDS · 05/05/2012 22:37

YANBU!

So he had a child with you, then someone else, and now he has split with number two and moved in with number three partner?

I guess he has been lying to number three partner about his lack of contact with your DS, and has fed her shit about you not letting him see ds!

This is all his shit, poor you and poor ds being dragged into his crap again!

Original poster
Mrbojangles1 · 05/05/2012 22:39

Ds is now 13 and decided to write a letter for me to take to the lawyer to out line what he wants

I fear ex Is playing silly buggers yet again and me and oh will left with a up set little boy the teen years are hard enough

Oh as PR not ex as ds was born before 2003 any advice would be grateful

Um he is wanting monthly contact on a Saturday leading up to weekly then over nights what fucking planet is he on I know he has some rights god help us but he has resposbilites too

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Original poster
Mrbojangles1 · 05/05/2012 22:44

Really need some support or war stories I just come so out of the blue

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LadyWithEDS · 05/05/2012 22:47

Your ex has no chance if a 13 year doesn't want to see him, so you won't be tormented by the court case too long. He will have his piece of paper from cafcass to show the latest victim, you are an evil ex who turned his child against him, he won't have to see ds and you and ds can go back to having peace from that dicksplat!

GrahamTribe · 05/05/2012 22:47

So the GF is suggesting that he should see DS perhaps? Maybe he's told her that you're an evil woman who won't let him see your son, poor innocent soul that he is? (Cynical, sure, but he wouldn't be the first to spin that line to a new GF).

And if so, he'll almost believe his own lies and be attempting to play happy families now he has a more stable base and a family which he's calling his own. I'm no lawyer but I'd imagine that if the worst comes to the worst (and some won't agree with me and think it's a good thing that DS should see Mr Feckless Asshole, I don't), he would get a short period of supervised access through a contact centre or with a third party seeing that your DS barely knows him in reality. Maybe it would be a good idea if you reposted this in "Legal" to check out where you stand in advance of seeing a solicitor. A lawyer will tell you that not paying for DS's upkeep is immaterial though and that the courts take a dim view of a parent fighting contact for that reason although your others should surely be viewed as reasonable. (The maintainance one is also reasonable IMHO but not in the eyes of the law).

LadyWithEDS · 05/05/2012 22:49

Cafcass will interview your DS, try to persuade him to see his father, if DS says he is happy in his life as it is, he has no interest in his father or seeing him, then that will be the end of it, your ds at 13 is too old to be forced, and the court will listen to him.

Don't fart around with letters to solicitors or cafcass, keep it simple!

Getting PR is easy, if he wants it!

GrahamTribe · 05/05/2012 22:50

Loving the term "dicksplat"! And yes, DS's wishes will very much be taken into account if he is 13. If your ex consults a lawyer with a letter from DS he will be made aware of that and may well think screw this for a game of soldiers, it's costing me money and I'm not going to win, and slink back under his rock.

LadyWithEDS · 05/05/2012 22:52

DO NOT GIVE ANYONE LETTERS FROM YOUR DS!

Just leave it to the meeting between ds speak and cafcass, so that cafcass hear it from the horses mouth, and if he is not interested in seeing his Dad leave it at that!

mynewpassion · 05/05/2012 22:55

I don't think you are unreasonable with your feelings but view it from a different way. Yes, its going to cost time and money (maybe you can represent yourself) but with this way,it will also force him to be accountable. And, you get some of the reassurance that you want require.

A legal document can't force him to be a father but at least you will know where you son is and get a contact number.

GrahamTribe · 05/05/2012 22:59

"Cafcass will interview your DS, try to persuade him to see his father"

Shock Really? (Genuine surprise, not sarcasm). I would have thought that they would be impartial. That's appalling (imho).

LadyWithEDS · 05/05/2012 23:08

Cafcass are called crapcass by many for a reason!

Hell yes cafcass will put pressure on the child, they are an organisation that was considered a few years ago "unfit for purpose" after they were investigated by the government! Cafcass are also unaccountable to NO regulator! If you complain about a cafcass officer, then God help you!

Yes, they will pressurise a child to see someone who rejected them, they will pressurise a child to see someone who has battered their Mother, they will pressurise a child to see someone who has sexually abused the child's sibling!

Original poster
Mrbojangles1 · 05/05/2012 23:11

At what point will cafas get involed

Also so should I or shouldn't I give my legal team the letter ds wrote I was hoping by giving the letter that ex might relise how ds feels and stop being self self self

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Original poster
Mrbojangles1 · 05/05/2012 23:14

I kind of hoping it won't go that far also it said

Applying to the courts for parental responsibility
A father can apply to the court to gain parental responsibility. In considering an application from a father, the court will take the following into account:
the degree of commitment shown by the father to his child
the degree of attachment between father and child
the father's reasons for applying for the order
The court will then decide to accept or reject the application based on what it believes is in the child's best interest.

So I am not sure he would get PR just wry easily

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LadyWithEDS · 05/05/2012 23:14

Do not give those people anything other than the bare minimum, they are DANGEROUS people! you want them out of your life as quick and painless as possible, especially with a dickspat liar as your ex sounds! He will have told CAFCASS you are an evil ex, to fit in with the story he told his gf, and they will be looking for evil ex clues, anything they can twist in your ds's letter will be used against you, to show what an evil ex you are, no matter how innocent it may seem to you and ds! Just have as little to do with them as possible!

LadyWithEDS · 05/05/2012 23:16

He will get PR!

Forget the law stuff. Cafcass want to show their boss and the judge how great they are by how many children they have attending contact as far as I can tell.

You have your son's age on your side.

Original poster
Mrbojangles1 · 05/05/2012 23:18

But cafas is not involed yest all ex has done is sent me a letter from a legal team out lining demands.

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LadyWithEDS · 05/05/2012 23:20

Tell your solicitor what your ds tells you, and refuse contact if that is what ds wants. Don't bar RP, sign what you have to, to give him PR, and hope he doesn't take you to court for contact.

GrahamTribe · 05/05/2012 23:20

Fuck a duck, Lady! That's awful! Angry But why? All I can think of is that it's another way of reinforcing control of women by men. Sorry to hijack your thread MrB, that's perhaps a question for another thread completely, I just had to register my anger, sadness and disgust at learning this.

Birdsgottafly · 05/05/2012 23:21

PR is immaterial after 14, the child, unless SN is present, has the right to decide.

LadyWithEDS · 05/05/2012 23:23

I have no fucking clue why! That is the system that the legal profession and government have set up in our courts and we are stuck with it as no one gives a fuck, unless it happens to them!

Original poster
Mrbojangles1 · 06/05/2012 07:50

Birdsgottafly yes but what happens now just posted in legal

My list Below would nt be held up I court :( so what dose that mean he can just do what the frig he likes and I just got to frigging like it with ice cream

Must provide phone number(which he has always refused)

Must provide a home address(which he has always refused)

Maintenance (which he has never paid)

To acknowledge that leaving 6 year old child in charge of a 4 year old is wrong( which he dose not think is wrong)

To acknowledge that him and his father lied to me about the whereabouts of my son for 2 months(which he sees no issue with)

And to start buying dd christmas and birthday gifts or a least acknowledge these days which a speical to ds just like he dose with his daughter

To ring and cancel ahead of time if not coming (had a habit of just not Turing up and being shocked when I asked him to explain himself)

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