AIBU to think ex is a prick for.......

[Mrbojangles1]

AIBU to think ex is a prick for sending me a lawyers letter demanding contact after 10 years of virtually no contact with ds

I was so shocked when I opend the letter I burst in to tears

It's usual shit not paying maintenance, showing up for a while when suits then disappearing.

Then when half sister came along buying things for one but not for the other ds has never had a Christmas gift off ex half sister atteneds a private school meanwhile

At one point when ex was seeing ds 6 at the but I had to put a stop to it ex whent to the shops leaving ds looking after half sister also he was doing in secret ex was getting his dad to pretend he wanted ds for the weekend (wanted them to have a relationship at least ) then was driving ds straight to ex home

How did I find out ds told me hene he got home and the whole sordid thing came out and grandpa had to fess up about the whole deceit

How is it some men can think they can waltz back in after so long with a straight fucking face

Cardy, what is normal and acceptable in RL, is looked at very differently with judgey pants, oppositional, blame cultured courts, remember the family courts are based on the same legal system that sits a criminal in the dock and has a defence etc.

A respondant in the family courts as OP would be, is basically a criminal, that will be picked apart by the solicitor, barrister, cafcass and judged by a judge, it is not as severe as a criminal, it is based on that system.

Now do you see why you don't give them letters, you don't give these DANGEROUS people anything, this is not normal/real life this is COURT!

so if I'm reading rightly:

XH last saw his ds when he was six due to the fact you stopped contact because of your list of demands above.

However, he still sees his paternal grandfather on a fairly regular basis.

But now your xh has decided that he again wants contact with his ds, and instead of approaching you directly has gone to a solicitor.

I realise that you say you would have let him have contact, however you freely admit that you would only allow it on the basis he meet all your demands, which is why I suspect he hasn't approached you directly and has gone down the legal route.

While your demands in terms of maintanence etc are not unreasonable in themselves, using them to deny access is. And some of your demands are historical and no longer relevant.

The fact he left a six year old looking after a four year old happened seven years ago. It's no longer relevant; it's not going to happen again; the children in question are now perfectly able to be left without supervision. And it was a parenting difference not an illegal act - how ever much you disagree with it having happened. And it is unreasonable to deny access on the basis of a difference in opinion that happened seven years ago. Taking demands like that into court will just make you look unhinged tbh.

As for the letter/demands from you ds, while in principle I don't adisgree with children knowing about finances, I think a letter from a thirteen year old saying he will only see his dad if they give money to his mum etc looks like a drip-fed letter from the mum designed to poison the child against the dad. Don't do it.

Your ds is old enough to make his own decisions, but I wouldn't attempt to influence him in any way.

Cardy My DC understand that there are some things we can afford and some we can't, that's teaching them about finances.

However, I don't tell tell them that what we can afford is funded by me, nor did I tell DS that the cinema trip his Dad took him on yesterday was paid for by me (ex-H currently unemployed, is desperately seeking work but not found any and I couldn't take DS as film not suitable for other DC), because that isn't teaching them about finances, that's slagging off their father.

TBH, if you give 2 of your DC's pocket money, but not the other 1, I think you're the one who should be questioning the life lessons you are giving your children.

I DON'T give two of them pocket money and not the other one - but I am not going to find it easy to lie about where his comes from, when my maintenance is paid in cash, and I get his from the cashpoint - at 10yo, he isn't stupid, and I wasn't going to lie when he asked me directly why their pocket money is given to them when their dad pays maintenance, and why his comes from MY bank account. Would you propose lying to a 10yo that asks a direct question? IMO, telling him the truth was more important. He doesn't think I was slagging off his dad - but he DID ask his dad why he didn't have a job - which had nothing to do with the conversation WE had about the fact that DD and DS2 get their pocket money from their dad's maintenance, whereas his pocket money comes from my bank account.

He drew his OWN conclusions, and asked his dad about it. Neither me nor my Ex-H would lie to him about it, therefore he knows.