AIBU to think ex is a prick for.......

[Mrbojangles1]

AIBU to think ex is a prick for sending me a lawyers letter demanding contact after 10 years of virtually no contact with ds

I was so shocked when I opend the letter I burst in to tears

It's usual shit not paying maintenance, showing up for a while when suits then disappearing.

Then when half sister came along buying things for one but not for the other ds has never had a Christmas gift off ex half sister atteneds a private school meanwhile

At one point when ex was seeing ds 6 at the but I had to put a stop to it ex whent to the shops leaving ds looking after half sister also he was doing in secret ex was getting his dad to pretend he wanted ds for the weekend (wanted them to have a relationship at least ) then was driving ds straight to ex home

How did I find out ds told me hene he got home and the whole sordid thing came out and grandpa had to fess up about the whole deceit

How is it some men can think they can waltz back in after so long with a straight fucking face

Has any one come out the other side of a similar situation

YANBU

But don't put maintenence in there. It will muddy the waters. Make this purely about the contact with your son. Maintenance should be a seperate issue for the main reason that visitation rights should not be used as a means of enforcing maintenence payments by the resident parent. If it goes to court make it a point that he hasn't paid maintenance (it will look VERY bad for him, for the reasons mentioned by others) but your child's right to spend time with their parent should be a seperate issue from the money and the judge will look more kindly on your case if you take this stance. I assume you'll get some legal advice beforehand, and they'll probably tell you the same thing.

However, as your son is 12 any contact order won't be that enforcable anyway. After this age, courts generally leave it up to the child as long as the request isn't unreasonable (I want to go live with my dad because my mum makes me clean my room!).

That's awful. I really feel for you and your DS.

As someone who has been through the family courts serveral times I can tell you that the judges do not want to hear what has happened before unless there are serious welfare issues. If there are serious welfare issues, generally they will still push for contact in some form or other.

My ex used to refuse to give me a phone number and address and the courts did ask him to but never actually enforced it, they used to tell him to do it as a gesture of woodwill.

Cafcass do put pressure on you to make arrangements for contact, whatever the circumstances.

I dont have any experience of older children in the court but I do know that cafcass will interview them and take their wishes into account.

Is the letter you got from his solicitor or is it a court application?

From his solicitor

I can tell you know though ds won't be going nay were with any one if I don't have the address or phone number they can put me in jail first if it gets that far and ex can see how uch ds will want contact then after he gets him um put in jail

OP, out of your list, the only ones the court will be interested in are;

Must provide phone number(which he has always refused)

Must provide a home address(which he has always refused)

To ring and cancel ahead of time if not coming (had a habit of just not Turing up and being shocked when I asked him to explain himself)

They are not going to be concerned about what happened 7 years ago as it's no longer relevant, especially if your ex is a better parent to his DD. The bit about Grandad collecting DS and dropping him to ex will be used as evidence of how desperate your ex was to see his son. If you continue to seek apology/acknowledgement for things that happened so long ago, you will come across as the bitter ex. I'd also be careful about admitting you stopped contact due to a difference of opinion on parenting issue.

As far as maintenance goes, court are likely to question why you haven't used the CSA. Ex may have savings account set up in DS name, or say he has made cash payments. Court don't take such a dim view of no child support being paid if you haven't tried to claim it.

In my experience, court see contact with both parents as being best for children, and take some persuading that this isn't the case for an individual child.

From his solicitor

I can tell you know though ds won't be going any were if I don't have the address or phone number they can put me in jail first if it gets that far and ex can see how much ds will want contact then after he gets him mum put in jail

Have been told that at ds age it wont be enforceable, I just hope ex agrees to what I have outlined hopefully the letter ds wrote might make him think twice about pushing any more I would of though as ds is 13 he really would of relaised by now if ds really wated contact it would be very diffcult for me to stop him is in denial about the fact it's ds that is not keen due to the reasons I have out lined

Ds dose not want to be made to lie to me

Feels very bitter about the fact half sister is getting this and that for birthday and cristmas and he recives nothing

Can't see that with holding maintenance to somehow punish me makes ds think he is petty
ECt he really can't see how his own behaviour effects the way ds views hi

I felt exactly the same so I refused contact until he gave me an address etc.

I got in a bit of trouble in court but they totally understood where I was coming from and told him he was being V V unreasonable.

To be fair just after this he decided it wasn't worth the trouble and hasnt seen DD since.

DD is 6 and he has seen her a grand total of 12 times! Never paid any maintenance.

I think ex thought he would be DD's knight in shining armour and ride in on a white horse and rescue her from her horrible Mum. The reality was that she was quite scared of him and didnt want to be around him much at all.

ballstoit there was no difference he left ds alone with a 4 year old and went out and would of contiuned to do so as he sees nothing wrong with this, he was not sorry when I confronted him and planned to carry on leaving ds in charge of his sister.

He has always and still is refusing to give address and phone number he won't even let ds have the number lest I get hold of it so how on earth is ds supposed to keep in contact even if he wanted to.

I did go to CSA but I was told I could only have £5 a week as ex has never worked i was then told when i went back to them in 2009 because he now has seconed child which I stupidly told them about I would get a nomanl payment of £2.45 as he is still not working.

I agree with a lot of what ballstoit has said.

When I attended court I was just concerned about DD seeing her Father in a controlled way as she didnt know him and that he was responsible and told me how to contact him and where they would be staying (after months of contact in a play centre with me there)

Ex was constantly talking about the past, or coming up with what if scenarios. He was always making excuses for himself. He took any opportunity he could to call me names. It was very he said, she said and he came off very badly. They could see that his intentions were more about getting at me than seeing his DD and after a while they had very little time for him.

It's very hard because of how emotional you are but you have to keep it quite business like.

So, he has paid maintenance then? Or did the CSA not collect his £5 a week? And how has he funded private school for his DD if he doesn't work

I agree with you that it's not okay to leave a 6 year old with a 4 year old, what I'm saying is that the court won't want to hear about something that happened 7 years ago.

The contact telephone numbers and address are a bit muddies too, as you have contact details for his father. Ex could argue that you were able to contact him this way in the event of an emergency. I have not got an address for ex-H, court wouldn't force him to provide it, so therefore he doesn't have overnight contact. I have got his telephone number though, and his solicitor has his address, so I can't stop daytime contact and nor would I want to.

I see why you're upset and frustrated, but really you need to calm down and make sure that when you discuss things with solicitor, cafcass and court, that you are discussing what is best for your son now, not 7 years ago and not what is easiest/least upsetting for you. Has your DS actually said he doesn't want to see his Dad at all?

The court won't care about what he has or had not paid in maintenance.

To be honnest, the judge and cafcass will laugh at you for asking stuff like your ex buy the same sort of value gifts for your ds and your dearson's dearsister. bastards!

All the court care about is getting contact between parent and child up and running, be that an abusive parent with the child at a contact centre supervised or be it a liar who will deny the stuff that went on with his father, because you have no proff, he will be regular contact, he can not show up, be late etc and the court won't care, they will expect you to do half the driving, and make your child available for contact, even if he doesn't show up, they won't believe you either, if he doesn't show up, you will have to give them evidence that he didn't show up!

It is a shit system!

No he didn't when I applied he signed off no surprise
How dose he fund his life style I am sure the only people that know that is him and special branch of the Met (he is as shady as they come)

I did point out to the CSA that it's very unlikey he was able to live and support himself with out signing on or working but hay that's why the CSA is so shit

I was told I would have to provide the evidence god forbid they do any work
CSA are as helpful as my cat.

Ds has said he wants the following to be treated the same as his sister
Wants ex to keep his promises
And wants to pay money for him
And dose not want to be made to lie
Only wants to see to him if he can keep to those 4 things

LadyWithEDS it's not even gifts to the same value he doset get da anything at all not in 10 fliping years

Won't be doing half the driving I dont drive and even if i did were would i drop ds to i dont have a address for ex

Erm, you really aren't helping your cause by telling your DS that his Dad doesn't pay money for him.

If he hasn't seen him since he was 6, how has your DS come to have this list?

He knows this for himself he is 13 he is very aware that the money ones out of my purse and the few and far between times ex has seen ds he never gave him a penny

Well if your ds gives that list to cafcass they will say that he should give his Dad a chance and they will report to the court your ds wants to see his Dad speaking like that. They will say you have coloured your ds view of his Dad, as an 8 year old wouldn't know if the parent was lying or remember if the Dad lied, and will think you are an evil ex. Don't send a letter with that stuff in it!

Forget about the money, don't expect any, it won't happen!

You have reasonable expectations of the court process, you are very misguided about court, they don't give a fuck about any of the things you and your son want, it is very basic, the courts only care about contact, they don't give a fuck about quality of contact, you need to get your head around that, if you can't you will be in for a long, drawn out, messy expecive case that will hurt your son and you so much!

ballstoit 6 was the last time he stayed at exs home and had any regular since then ex has seen ds every now and again when he visits his dad as ds was still seeing grandpa but it has been very patchy seeing as grandpa was only seeing ds every two months or so for the weekend sometimes ex would come

Lady You have clearly had a poor experience in court. I've had 2 much better ones, one with ex-H when he was making arrangements for contact with his DSSs, and one against ex-H to make contact arrangements for our own DC.

IME the courts focus is what's best for the children. Sadly, this may not be what's best for the parents.

OP The only reason he knows these things is because you've told him. DSS's are 12 and 11, they understand that there is money going into my house, their Mum's house and their Dad's house. The only way they know what proportion of this comes from who, is if we tell them. I can understand that you want your DS to know that you have supported him yourself, but by telling him you haven't helped him to have a relationship with his father.

All the things on his list have come from somewhere, and if he's not seen his Dad for 6 years, quite clearly they've come from you...and they won't make you look good in court.

X posts. Has your ex asked for contact since DS was 6?

I think most children teens are very aware of who is paying for what I was very aware at a early age my dad taking me on trips, I rember him buying school uniform for me ECt taking me to buy shoes

I think it was only right that I explained to ds that ex now wants formal contact and thats its only right to get ds views on the matter ask him what he wants

LadyWithEDS would you tell me a bit about your story I may help me :)

If your ds has not seen his Dad since 6, how can he remember the lies and stuff about gifts, aged 8 there is a chance he would remember that stuff.

I don't know where your ds has the knowledge about the income from his Dad, it is one I am on the sea saw about if the child should know about financial matters, and at age 13 he is old enough to understand that you are financially constrained as a family due to being the only parent to contribute, as at 13 there is a lot of understanding about financial matters. The courts would frown on your ds having financial knowledge, so best not to mention it.

No, I don't want to go into too much detail. I have spoken to many others who have been through family courts process. What is very telling is most parents be they resident or non resident, refer to cafcass as crapcass. Some people will have good experience of cafcass, some will not, in my experience most do not have a good experience with two faced cafcass officers.

ballstoit no that's why I was so shocked and even when ds was 6 he didn't ask for contact got grandpa to get ds under false pretext

Sorry have to disagree with you about ds list

He well aware when he gose to grandpas what sister gets for Christmas ECt because she tells his very aware she trends private school ECt

It's making hi very jealous towards his sister and his not right to favour one child over another

Also he is getting board with with being asked to keep secrects all the time
Eg but granpa and ex when he gets back from grandpas he scared to say anything in case he lets somthing out last time he went ask ds if he had a good time he looked like he was about to burst in to tears and shouted I am not supposed to tell you anything wtf is that about after a long talk he told me he didn't want them to keep telling him to keep secrets

You children may not know who pays for what but my ds very aware of the fact he couldn't go in Year 6 far to pricey for me ds asks grandpa to ask ex here's nothing back misses trip

Ok let me just clear soothing up here

Ds still is seeing granpa from exs side also granpa has was having sister stay over so they could have contact but ex was dropping sister off and leaving it spending any time with ds

That's why I am confused because he could of had contact with ds whilest he was with grandpa but choose not to

Now he has sent me this letter saying he wants contact supervised by his dad but that could of happend with out him getting a legal team the only objection I had was him staying at exs home because I have no way of contacting him and this thing he has of using ds as a babysitter

Pfffff. My 10yo knows that his dad doesn't pay any maintenance because his father doesn't work, and has two younger dc with his new partner. He also knows that every penny spent on him comes out of my purse - as my other dc get their pocket money on the day that their fathers pay the maintenance.

Why wouldn't I be open about these things? My DC know that as I am currently unemployed, and my Ex-P left me, (he was working), that we have a hell of a lot less money as a household - it's impossible to ignore when they ask me why we can't go to soft play etc - why should I lie to them about my finances?

They all understand how to budget for a shopping trip, my 14yo, my 10yo and my 8yo, they understand that if what they want for dinner costs more than that day's budget, then they have to chose an alternative.

Even my Ex-H has been honest with our 10yo that he pays no maintenance, and that my household gets a lot less money than theirs. Which is why DS1 understands that he can have an Xbox etc at his dad's, but I can't afford one. I've never understood people who don't teach their dc to live within a budget, and discuss money with them when they ask why they can't do or have X and Y like their friends...