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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if you don't use hand-me-down clothes you should offer to return them not give them away yourself?

75 replies

reddaisy · 04/05/2012 20:48

I gave a close friend bags and bags full of baby clothes and I left them by arrangement with a mutual friend. They were really gorgeous clothes, Next, Boden, JL etc.

She didn`t collect them and I reminded her. Now I see on Facebook that the friend who I offered them to is giving our unused hand-me-downs away to one.of her friends that I don't know.

AIBU to think she should have checked with me first? I

OP posts:

EssentialFattyAcid · 05/05/2012 18:37

I would always keep things I thought I would want myself later on, and I often ebay stuff.

I also give lots to friends, but I always check with them first that they are happy to receive them. When I give them things, I say to keep anything they or their dc like, and then to pass the rest on to a charity shop or another friend. If they ebayed some of the stuff then that would be fine with me. If they always ebayed 100% of it I might feel miffed though.

I think it's great to keep stuff out of landfill. I absolutely LOVE to see my dd's clothes worn by another child though!

BumpingFuglies · 05/05/2012 18:56

At least she is passing them on! If I was given something and then didn't need it, I was pass it on if I could. Equally, if I gave something to a friend and they wanted it back to sell, I'd be pissed off. Once you have given, it's not up to you any more.

BumpingFuglies · 05/05/2012 18:57

sorry I would pass it on..

bishboschone · 05/05/2012 19:01

I was given bags and bags of clothes. When ds had out grown them I asked if they wanted them back or wanted to find a home . They didn't so I then went on and found a suitable home . I never sell anything I have been given and try to pass on to someone in need . I think she should have asked you first .

Shutupanddrive · 05/05/2012 19:11

Yabu
You should have made it clear it was a loan. I would assume they were mine to pass on if I was given clothes (which I have in the past). I also pass all ds's clothes onto my cousin as his baby is about 8 months younger. They can do what they likes with them afterwards.

EasilyBored · 05/05/2012 19:16

I think if you want them back (or at least some of them back) you should say before you give them to someone. We've been given bags and bags of clothes from relatives, and most of them have been given with a comment like 'pass them on when you're done', where it hasn't been stated, I've asked what they want me to do with them when we have used them - the general reply has been to give them to someone else or a chairty shop.

And I've got loads of stuff from my sis that I know is quite special to her as it's been worn by all 5 of hers, some of her friend's babies, and now my DS, and I will def be giving those back.

It's awkward, but I think YANBU to be annoyed that she didn't even use them and then gave them away. It would be different if she had used them and then given them away I think?

Pandemoniaa · 05/05/2012 19:23

YABU.

You've got to make it explicitly clear on what basis clothes are passed on. Either they are a loan and will be wanted back or they are a gift - in which case you have lost any sort of entitlement so far as what happens to them is concerned.

If you don't make the distinction clear then you've only yourself to blame. People can't be expected to read your mind.

chandellina · 05/05/2012 20:45

Yabu, unless you explicitly said you wanted them back, you can't attach conditions. I have passed on things given to me - some came from distant family hundreds of miles away, I'm not exactly going to seek permission.

I have been bemused to see stuff I gave away on a local forum later flogged on the same forum for cash, but it's not really my concern. I think second hand baby stuff should pretty much always be free but i'm in the minority.

ragged · 05/05/2012 20:53

When I "give" stuff away I don't care what folk do with it. I don't understand how folk function, otherwise. If you think you want it back, then you would start placing conditions on the use, no? How they wash it, what it's used for, and a deadline for return? Isn't it so much less stressful just to store it in the loft?

notaniphoneownerjustabadtypist · 05/05/2012 21:29

Depends if the things were given with any conditions attached, like - I want them back in 6 months time. If no conditions were made clear at the time, you are free to do what you want with them - wear them, give them away, sell them - whatever.
I've often been given a bag of stuff by somebody who was having a clearout, they were just greateful to get rid of the stuff, they didn't care if I used it or not. I tend to sort through, keep the good stuff and give the rest to charity.
(There is a collection at school that pays the school money for 2nd hand clothes in any condition)
If I am givng stuff away I don't stipulate what the person can do wtih it either, it'sup to them. I thought most people did this?

samandi · 06/05/2012 09:14

I always assume hand me downs are on loan unless the person who gives them to me explicitly says they don't want them back afterwards.

Really? I always thought the point of hand me downs was that the giver didn't need / fit them anymore, so didn't have any use for them. Giving them back seems a bit bizarre.

I think in this case the OP is being a bit unreasonable. Perhaps her friend doesn't need or want all the clothes, perhaps some of them are too small for the baby and if she knows someone she could pass them on to and the OP doesn't need the money I don't really see the problem.

imnotmymum · 06/05/2012 09:17

I would not expect them back if given away and just because you need money now rather than then is irrelevant. Her passing them on to a friend is OK IMO

samandi · 06/05/2012 09:20

OK, having read the thread I don't think you are being so unreasonable. You didn't state at first that she requested them and that it was "explicitly" a loan.

loobylu3 · 06/05/2012 09:25

If you made it 100% clear that you would need the clothes back then YANBU.

If you did not tell her that you wanted them back and mentioned that you were done with two or anything similar, YABU and she would have fairly assumed that they were now her property to pass on to another friend if she wished.

I personally wouldn't lend baby/ children's clothes and would be fairly unwilling to lend my clothes after a couple of bad experiences e.g. friend borrowing two pairs of Isabella Oliver work trousers and then not being able to find them/ not remembering that she ever had them (definitely true in her case as she is v scatty)!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 07/05/2012 00:49

OP, I am on the fence but one thing that springs to mind is did she genuinely want them or did you kind of force them upon her and she accepted out of politeness?

When DD2 was little a woman at the school kept giving me bags and bags of clothes all the time, which I didn't really want or need, and I used to give them to charity shops. She never asked if I wanted them, just used to thrust Tesco bags with the handles tied in knots at me!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 07/05/2012 00:49

loobylu3, that's really bad that your friend lost the isabella oliver trousers

scummymummy · 07/05/2012 00:57

I think you have to be very explicit that they are a loan rather than a gift when you hand them over. I honestly would not think to give handmedown clothes back unless the person told me they wanted them and would just think I was doing a good deed by passing them onto the next person who needed them. If they were a gift then you have no further say in where they go, imo, though I can see it's annoying that she didn't even use them before passing them onto someone else.

ravenAK · 07/05/2012 01:26

I have a friend who is a bit of a catalogue queen. Dd1 & dd2 do very nicely out of her dd, often to the tune of bags of unworn, good quality clothes she's found outgrown in a cupboard (have tried to talk to her about this, & frankly it's a whole other thread...).

I always say, when she hands over a couple of binbags to me, 'Right, you know I'm going to cherrypick this lot, & pass the rest on to Oxfam? Are you sure you don't want to ebay the Monsoon/Boden/Next stuff? Or freecycle it? OK, fair enough then...'

She's fine with it - on a couple of occasions she's been present as I've gone through the bags & has been shocked at how much I ruthlessly bag up for Oxfam ('But those are really nice jeans!' 'Yes, but dds only wear jeans at weekends & in the holidays, so they can't possibly need more than 3 pairs each').

Tbh, OP, I think your friend should've probably said 'I don't need all this, do you want it back for someone else or shall I pass it on?' but it's not worth falling out over...you now know that she's of the school of thought that hand-me-downs are to be cherrypicked then passed on, so if it bothers you, don't pass stuff on to her in the future.

bogeyface · 07/05/2012 01:55

You could all answer this for me.

My friend has given me lots of beautiful clothes for DD. Many of them are designer as a relative of hers has a stunningly expensive designer childrens clothes shop. I used them and looked after them and offered them back to her, as per MN dictates! She said she didnt want them and I should pass them on, but I have no one to pass them on to. She and I could both do with a bit of cash, so I thought of selling them and splitting the proceeds.

I thought of 50/50 after ebay fees etc, but another friend said it should be 60/40 or even 70/30 as I will be doing the listing, posting etc and because the friend wouldnt know or care whether I sold them or gave them away so anything I give her is a bonus. Its true that she wouldnt care but that seems so mercenary!

WWYD?

Original poster

reddaisy · 07/05/2012 02:13

bogeyface - ask her and offer to do a 50/50 split and if she is unhappy with that then renegotiate!

OP posts:

bogeyface · 07/05/2012 02:16

I dont if its clear that I should get 60 or 70% according to my "advisor" :o

I will ask her, i am just not good at money stuff with friends. I always over pay for things (I gave the same friend £10 and refused the change when she picked up a bottle of calpol for me once!) as I dont want to be "that" friend. I had "that" friend and ended up hating her so much that I am paranoid!

If your friend had approached you with this proposal, would you be ok with it?

Original poster

reddaisy · 07/05/2012 02:35

I would be very happy with the proposal if I was your friend but I probably couldn't take more than 50 per cent personally. I have a friend who gives DD stuff and won't take any money in return and every so often I buy her something new that either my friend or her DD choses from one of their favoured shops. You could offer to do this instead if it is easier than talking cash.

OP posts:

ravenAK · 07/05/2012 02:37

I'd have forgotten all about the clothes, consider them yours, & appreciate you asking me if it was OK to sell them, but equally not be bothered if you flogged them without asking.

I'd let you buy me a bottle of wine if you did OK selling them!

Otherwise - just tell her you're planning to ebay them, would she like half the proceeds? (After all she originally paid £££s for them & you've had the use of them).

That way you are definitely not 'that' friend.

bogeyface · 07/05/2012 02:52

To be fair, it was mainly her mum and MIL that paid £££! But I wouldnt be happy asking for more than a 50/50 split and I did wonder if I was U even suggesting that as they were hers to begin with. You see how bad my paranoia is?! :o

ravenAK · 07/05/2012 03:25

Easy solution, then.

'Dc has grown out of those lovely clothes you gave me, & I can't think of anyone to pass them on to. I thought of giving them to charity, but seems daft because they always have tons of surplus children's clothes & I'd hate to think of them ending up ragbanked when they have so much wear left in them. If you know anyone else who'd want them I'll drop them all back at yours? Otherwise I thought I'd maybe ebay them, & give you half the proceeds?'

Friend responds with: 'Great idea! We can have a night out!' or 'Ooooh, actually, my cousin's just had a baby, I'll pass them on to her.'

Either way your conscience is clear & you can stop being paranoid!

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