To think that if you don't use hand-me-down clothes you should offer to return them not give them away yourself?

[reddaisy]

I gave a close friend bags and bags full of baby clothes and I left them by arrangement with a mutual friend. They were really gorgeous clothes, Next, Boden, JL etc.

She didn`t collect them and I reminded her. Now I see on Facebook that the friend who I offered them to is giving our unused hand-me-downs away to one.of her friends that I don't know.

AIBU to think she should have checked with me first? I

If she thinks you gave them to her then I think yabu.

You should have just kept them.

Maybe she didn't really want them but did not want to offend by saying so.

but likewise, I don't keep track of what I have given to who either, once I give it, it's gone, it's 100% given

and I initially didn't want more but now do, I absolutely don't expect to retrieve any of the SAME clothes I passed on that I could now maybe do with (although hopefully I will get some other hand me downs, but they probably wont be the exact same items)

It was explicitly a loan at first, but IMO a realistic one as I wouldnt have expected every dress, cardi etc back but I could understand how she might think I didn't want them anymore but we haven't discussed it.

agree with throwing shapes, it would be rude to hold up certain items that someone loved on their kids and say "oh I wont use that, have it back!"

how long ago did you give them OP?

Gosh I know feel awful as have just done this same thing! I was given tons of hand me downs when ds was born 6 months ago and no way could I remember exactly who gave what. I have a friend at work who has just had a baby and did not think twice about passing some clothes onto her. I never considered I would need to try and match hand me downs to the correct person and return them?

throwinshapes - she asked for them and I probably did give them reluctantly so I probably should have kept them and I will in future.

If she sees DD wearing something now she tells me to keep it for her DD but I might ebay stuff from now on. At least until I back at work.

milkysmum don't worry that is exactly what most people who give hand me downs would hope you would do x

YANBU, if it had been me accepting a bin bag full of stuff I'd have asked if it was likely to be needed back for a future baby.

YANBU, I would feel a little hurt, feeling that she felt they were not good enough for her, whilst I would know that I would never give someone something not worth receiving.

I would also feel hurt that she wasn't honest. She could have thanks but no thanks. You receive no thanks, whilst I suspect she is basking in glory for being a good egg.

If you want to certain items back make that a condition when you pass it on. I did that on a couple of items of maternity wear I wanted to sell on. The rest I wanted passed on to other people. Or just don't pass them on at all.

Its great when you see a friend's kid wearing one of yours old clothes. I wouldn't pass on if I was seriously considering another child. I am semi-seriously considering so everything was passed on. If I have another DC then I might get some more hand me downs.

I love my DD wearing hand me downs. But then I like to recycle.

YABU.

Well being told by most people that IABU has actually helped me feel better! I still think IANBU but I am going to chalk it up to experience instead of mentioning it to her.

I know she likes the stuff and I gave her four years worth of clothes about nine months ago at her request as she said she wanted as much as possible but maybe she got innundated with clothing as gifts.

I'm giving DS's outgrowns to a friend who is expecting a little boy, I'm glad to get them out of his room so there is space for new things. And someone else gets to use them and save money so it's win win. It never occured to me to want them back.

minimathsmouse - that is pretty much how I feel! I even have a different friend who gives me boys clothes from her DS and she has now had a DD so I could even have done a bit of a swap with her so her generosity was reciprocated. I am just a bit miffed that is all.

I think the fact she requested the items makes it far worse actually. YADNBU.

To ask for the hand me downs then to give them away is pretty rude. I wouldn't give hrnanything else if I were you.

Well in that case Red, you are Absolutely NBU.

If only I had thought to put that in my OP then this whole thread could have gone my way.

She is a good friend so I think it is just thoughtlessness rather than anything else. I will give her the supermarket clothes in future and keep the rest to ebay/swap etc.

I meant to put a then!

If she asked for them that is different. I still would have asked for them back if you wanted them. Stops anything like this happening.

Where I live I have seen clothes I have given away to one child, then clearly been passed onto another, only for me to have them back when I have had another baby. You really shouldn't give clothes away if you want them back. Anything could happen to them by accident. I got offered some baby clothes "on loan" once and I said no. Didn't want the responsiblity of worrying about damaging them. I do think yabu and the fault lies with you for not being clear. Sorry.

I said it on another thread but I discovered at the weekend that one of my friends has been using the beautiful mamas and papas party dress I handed down to her as bib for weaning as it has a big skirt so covers her whole dd.

So,could be worse! at least your friend has been careful enough with the clothes to pass them on again.

Why would you give someone baby clothes if you will want them back at a later date? How are people even supposed to remember who gave them what. Next time you give stuff away, make clear it's a loan if that is your intention...

YABU.
If someone offered me baby clothes but said they wanted them back, I'd have said 'thanks, but no thanks'. I had enough on my mind when mine were little without keeping track of which item came from which person !
I've also be very offended if I gave a bag of stuff to someone, if they then selected what they wanted and then handed me back the "rejects". I always say, take what you can use and then hand on to someone else, or a charity shop. If it's something I wanted to keep for some reason, then keep it, don't risk anyone else staining or damaging or wearing out, or forgetting it's yours.
Over the years, I must have had dozens and dozens and dozens, possibly even hundreds of bags of clothes from different friends and family members. I can honestly say they have all been given because the donor has finished with them, and they were all happy for me to dispose of them as and when I was ready, in whatever way I chose. If you want to offer on a different basis from that, then you have to be very clear from the outset.

When DD was born, I was given lots of clothes for her and I've continued to receive them. I always ask at the time if the donor is happy for me to pass them on and I check again when DD has outgrown them. Common politeness, I would have thought!

Having said that, I would far rather clothes I gave away were donated in their turn. Putting them on eBay, especially without checking first, is greedy and grasping in my book and I take care never again to pass them to anyone who does this.