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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you don't use hand-me-down clothes you should offer to return them not give them away yourself?

75 replies

reddaisy · 04/05/2012 20:48

I gave a close friend bags and bags full of baby clothes and I left them by arrangement with a mutual friend. They were really gorgeous clothes, Next, Boden, JL etc.

She didn`t collect them and I reminded her. Now I see on Facebook that the friend who I offered them to is giving our unused hand-me-downs away to one.of her friends that I don't know.

AIBU to think she should have checked with me first? I

OP posts:
bibbitybobbitybunny · 04/05/2012 20:50

Yanbu.

I always assume hand me downs are on loan unless the person who gives them to me explicitly says they don't want them back afterwards.

TidyDancer · 04/05/2012 20:50

Some people on MN will tell you that a gift like this should not come with conditions, so you have no right to dictate what she does with the clothes. What happens to them once they leave your hands is no longer in your control. The exception would be if you specified they were a loan.

That said, I think out of courtesy she could've told you, certainly.

Kayano · 04/05/2012 20:51

If you gave them away and hadn't asked for them back YABU

If you had asked for them back then yanbu

LindyHemming · 04/05/2012 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kayano · 04/05/2012 20:51

It's not
Like she sold them in eBay

NatashaBee · 04/05/2012 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
reddaisy · 04/05/2012 20:52

Argh, it posted too soon! I would have sold them if I had known she didn't want them as I am currently on SMP or at the least given them to one of MY pregnant friends who would have really appreciated them.

DP thinks it is nothing to do with me as I gave them to her but I am miffed!

OP posts:
Harecare · 04/05/2012 20:55

Did you want them back or just to decide who to give them to if not her?

If you wanted them for yourself you should have said so. If you wanted to decide who was going to wear them you should have double checked that your friend definitely wanted them. Otherwise you gave them away with no conditions so unless she's selling them it's not really a problem.

jubilee10 · 04/05/2012 20:55

I completely understand why you are miffed but, once you had given them away, they were no longer yours so YABU.

olimpia · 04/05/2012 20:56

YABU unless you told them you needed them back. I would assume the person doesn't want them back unless they say that they do

Harecare · 04/05/2012 20:57

Just contact her then and explain that you thought she wanted them, but now you see she doesn't please can you have them back?

jamaisjedors · 04/05/2012 20:58

I get handed bags and bags of clothes, have done since the DC were small (I think a lot of people won't take them).

At first I felt I had to try and use all the clothes, but now I am quite ruthless about sorting through them and giving away what we don't need.

It would never occur to me that someone would want to sell them if they were handing them over to me. Why didn't you do that first if you need the money?

ecuse · 04/05/2012 20:58

I assume people don't want hand me downs back unless they explicitly ask. And tbh if they did want them back I wouldn't take them in the first place as we've been given so many bits by so many people I wouldn't be able to remember what came from who.

I have passed them onto others keeping hold of any I particularly like or have sentimental value (which is what I assumed others had done in the first place).

Hope my friends aren't crossly drumming their fingers waiting for them back....!

crowface · 04/05/2012 20:59

I know you gave them away, but if it was me I'd be mightily pissed off. It seems incredibly ungrateful. Ynbu

monkeymoma · 04/05/2012 21:00

I think YABU, if you are not willing to give over 100% ownership then don't give at all

kids clothes are not the kinda thing you can lend (as in order to return them in same condition they'ld have to go unused!) and it doesn't sound like you made an arrangement that it was a LOAN in the first place

you should give things whole heartedly

they are hers now, she can make bunting to display in her bathroom with them if she wants

don't give stuff to friends any more if you are not generous enough to fully let them go!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 04/05/2012 21:00

I can't believe how many people get precious about baby clothes on MN, it's just wierd.

If you have any attachment to the clothes, don't give them away. If you expect a say in what happens to them after you have handed them over, don't give them away.

Either give things away or make it clear they are on loan or keep them.

But FFS people, stop with all this drama over giving away some baby stuff!

Original poster
reddaisy · 04/05/2012 21:00

When I initially gave her them, they were definitely a loan as I always wanted more children but I have mentioned in passing that we might stick with two so she might have assumed I don't want them anymore.

She also knows we have been ebaying loads to fund my ML so more stuff to sell would have come in handy!

OP posts:
monkeymoma · 04/05/2012 21:02

and some lovely things don't get used/suit for all kinds of reason (tall skinny kid vs clothes better suited to short stockey ones, growth spurts that mean they skip a size...)

If I pass something on it's so it can be USED! and if the person I give it to doesn't use it then I'ld be pleased if it was passed on to be USED by someone else

why do you want it back? what would you do with them?

2cats2many · 04/05/2012 21:03

YABU. If you felt like that, you really shouldn't have given them to her. I am given loads of 2nd hand stuff all the time (lots of older cuzzies) and it wouldn't occur to me for a second that they were a loan.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 04/05/2012 21:04

It sounds like it may have been a loan in your head but not in hers. Especially as you say you had to 'remind' her to collect them from a mutual friend.

monkeymoma · 04/05/2012 21:05

did you explicitly specify it was a loan

and IMO it is foolish to LOAN children's clothes, you can't expect children to not soil/wear/tear clothes and hand them back perfectly to you

you really shouldn't have given/lent them at all

If someone offered me children's clothes as a definite loan that they wanted back to use themselves I would say no thanks because what's the point in me having clothes that I'ld be afraid for my child to wear/loose? I'm surprized she accpeted under those terms TBH

PineappleBed · 04/05/2012 21:05

YABU unless it was explicitly a loan.

Why do you want to vet who gets them anyway?

EndoplasmicReticulum · 04/05/2012 21:06

YABU. If you care what happens to them then keep them yourself. I give bags of clothes to SIL for her boy, I don't mind if she uses them on him or passes them on, as long as someone is using them.

If I could be arsed to sell them on ebay then I would. I'm not expecting them back - I know what boys do to clothes. Which is why I don't have that much to pass on in the first place.

Original poster
reddaisy · 04/05/2012 21:06

I didn't sell them initially as I didn't need the money as much then and I thought the value of them to her would be more than what I could raise. I never expected to have everything returned in one piece but I just think she could say that she didn't need them after all and did I want them back.

OP posts:
monkeymoma · 04/05/2012 21:08

so that's a "no" to it being an explicit loan agreement then?

I have never been asked if I wanted any hand me downs I gave back
equally I have never offered them back

TBH I can't be keeping track of who handed me down each tee-shirt in order to offer it back to the correct person at a later point! (not that I don't enourmously appreciate it)