to think that this may end up being a deal breaker

[Abitpissedoff]

OH and I have been together nearly 15 years, we have 2 children and I'm pretty sure if I don't rock the boat we'll be together for ever. He's not the most romantic, but his first priority is his family (me and our children).

He used to be very happy go lucky but something happened in his life that has changed him and he's a different person to who he was, that's not to say I don't love him regardless.

I am very close to my family and we do a lot together. OH used to come to family get togethers and would join in the fun but over the years he has come to less and less. I've got an anniversary celebration at the weekend for my aunt and uncle, and I really want OH to come with me but he won't, he's made his mind up that he doesn't want to go and that's final, without any regard to how this makes me feel.

He's not as close to his family and he says me and the children are his family, but I feel as though he should be willing to do it for me.

The less things he comes to, the more I resent him for it and want to scream 'you would if you loved me' although I know it's a bit pathetic.

So AIBU to want him to come and let this chip away at me or should I just accept that he won't and do it all without him?

Why would you want to inflict something on him that he doesn't want?

Do you do other things separately?

What changed him, and was it gradual or sudden?
Yes, he should be willing to do it for you. Under normal circumstances, buidling a reasonable relationship with the person you share your life with is part of the give and take of the relationship IMO.

What's his reason for refusing to attend with you? What's making him so adamant he won't attend?

I could see if it was the odd thing. But personally I am of the opinion that being part of a nuclear family also means being part of the wider family. I know two couples who were like this (one never attending the family events of the 'other' family) who have announced divorce in the last year. I'm not suggesting it's causal, but I do think you need to knit your lives together with as many threads as possible.

It would be a major issue for me if DH behaved like this. And my family are nuts!

I would be a bit down but it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.
I wouldn't argue about it but once I knew what the boundaries are (on both sides) I make the most.

DH isn't a big fan of my mum and tolerates her -and I can certainly see why- so I tend to go to most of the gatherings without him and he comes along for the really important ones. It's our happy compromise.

YABU. I hardly ever go to anything involving DHs family - there are long involved reasons why not, and why I don't care. If he ever didn't want to come to something for my side, I certainly wouldn't dream of leaving him over it. I'd go on my own, with or without the DCs depending what it was. I'd expect him to give me a lift or pay for my taxi (he drives, I don't) but that's all. Why on earth would I force him to do something he didn't want to do? He is the last person in the world that I would want to make miserable, it would never occur to me to do so...

Is it worth losing your marriage over a party, especially if you put pressure on him to go and he was a misery all evening, which might give you cause to remind him of itwhen you next have a tiff? Doing that would just make matters worse. Why not just accept that he doesn't "do" family gatherings, go without him and have a good time?

This sounds very like my OH. He used to attend my family things, and visit my family with me when I went around. Nothing earth shattering happened, but slowly he started visiting less and less.

It doesn't bother me. On big occasions he will deign to go, but the rest of the things, like the weekly visits, I don't make a fuss about. I take the kids with me and he does his thing and I do mine. We are happy to spend a lot of time in each others' company and it is just how we are. He doesn't like to socialise but is the perfect babysitter for when my friends are having a meal out - he never makes a fuss about me going out.

The only thing I don't like is that he visits his Mum on the way home from work and very rarely thinks to go on a day when he can take the children with him to visit his mother. Happily, my MIL is lovely so it is a good excuse to go and visit with my girls anyway.

OH has a son from a previous relationship, for the first 10 years of ours we were like a little family, then his ex turned nasty and they left to live in New Zealand, she used their son against OH and they now haven't spoken for 6 years, DSS will be 18 this year. It broke OHs heart and he's therefore not as carefree as he used to be. He lost a little bit of himself and I suppose is quite bitter (understandably so)

I don't want to make him go, but I want him with me. He's part of my life and I feel we should attend these things together. It feels as though he wants our family to be a family in isolation.

He doesn't like being indoors at the best of times and said if it hadn't been a house party he would have come, but I doubt he would have. It's not just parties though, he hates it when I have my nephews to stay over and scarpers to the garden. He just doesn't seem to like anything to interupt his family of 4.

I'm not like that though, my family is bigger than just the 4 of us and I want him to be a part of it.

We only ever fall out over my family :(

You say something happened that changed him, he seems to have gone from a social person to more of an introvert, is PSTD a possibility?

If that's really all it is, its hard to see why its a dealbreaker. So what if he doesn't go, why should he have to?

2kidsintow OH is also the perfect baby sitter, he doesn't like going out much and I do and is always happy to have the children.

I don't want to make him unhappy by making him go and I will probably be better off without having to worry about him having a good time, but I wish he was willing to go.

It sounds stupid but I wish he would think 'It makes Abit happy so I will do it'

This is actually quite a big deal and is quite corosive. You need to deal with it and not just 'accept' it or argue about it. He needs help and if he doesn't get it, then it will affect his family unit - try to explain that to him. He is starting to shut the world out and it's not a good thing.

He sounds depressed and traumatised by the past. I think I would engage more effort in trying to help him work through this with the hope that he will feel more able to engage in more social events in the future. Is he not worth fighting for? I appreciate you are fed up! He needs your understanding but he also needs to be willing to fight for you too and be willing to look for help.

My DP is exactly the same, he never wants to come to family parties and flatly refuses most of the time. He is the same with social events - they make him uncomfortable, he struggles with small talk - so i don't make him go anymore. I have a better time on my own anyway Thats not because i dont enjoy my DPs company, i do, but i always feel uptight because i know he is uncomfortable so i feel i hve to look out for him. Also, i never have to worry about getting a babysitter as DP is quite happy for me to go off. Saying that, im a home body too and id rather stay home.

I dont have any siblings though, i might feel differently if i did, but we dont see his family hardly at all

I think you are being a little harsh on him to be fair.

Other people's families can be a bit boring though. I love my family get very bored with my husband's and vv. Neither of us are particularly sociable though, although we are busy with various hobbies that are sociable we don't tend to just go out with friends.
My husband will often visit his family without me and vv.
I suspect if it's a deal breaker then you aren't that keen on him anyway. How much time do you want to spend with your extended family that him not coming mean's you'd rather live alone? Seems odd to me. Why is it important to you for him to visit your family knowing that he isn't happy doing so? I'd rather go alone and enjoy myself than know my husband is counting the minutes until he can return home.

FFS it is not called "babysitting" when it is your own children, it is called PARENTING.

DH and I have these issues but it's the other way round as I'm not keen on spending as much time with his family as he would like.

I have a very tiny family, and due to circumstances we have never been close and certainly never had family gatherings or anything like that, so it's a pretty alien concept to me. DH OTOH has a huge family who are very close and get together regularly. When we first me he used to go "home" every sunday for lunch and stay till gone midnight (they live in a different town). I started to go along to and was happy to do it, and go along to the parties etc. But after a while I felt like I needed more "us" time so we cut down the visits (though we still visit them loads). Then once we had our DC's things got more complicated due to issues with sleep etc, I wasn't happy to leave their house at 9pm on a sunday when DS usually goes to bed at 8pm, that type of thing. Also family meals out have been a problem as we now have a rampaging toddler who goes mad after a certain time at night and definitely isn't able to sit at a table in a restaurant for any length of time so unless we can get a babysitter, I don't go.

Alongide the logistics, because I'm not used to it, I can feel a bit pressured into doing things with his family which I don't like so I can rile against it. Last year I explained that I hated the fact that we're never likely to spend a whole xmas day just the four of us, and he said no we probably won't. Like the OP's DH, I see my family as me, DH, and our DC's. Obviously my relatives and his are family too, but it's just a different perspective.

Yes he's worth fighting for, but the trouble is, he won't talk. I went to my mums for a couple of days last summer as he'd been suffering really bad moods where he'd be withdrawn and not enjoy our family time. It was the only thing that I could think to make him wake up and realise that what he was going through was affecting me to.

We talked and I said if he continued with the moods he had to go talk it through with someone, he won't admit that he's depressed but I think he may be. Since then the 'black moods' as I call them haven't reared their ugly head so much but other things such as this affect us.

I completely get how heartbroken he is. I went through the whole thing with him and although he wasn't my flesh and blood I loved him too.

OH isn't a big talker and things don't tend to get resolved.

I don't know why this is eating away at me but it is.

Sorry OP, touched a nerve, that is pet peeve of mine.

I don't think that would be a deal breaker for me but OTOH I don't think YAB completely U either. I get on very well with my in laws, DH with my parents less so. DH is never what I would call enthusiastic about spending time with my extended family, but after lots of talking he does understand how important it is for him to be there with me sometimes. Other times I do let him off the hook though.

I think YWBU to make this a "deal breaker". He's different to you and has a different way of looking at his familial responsibilities, and if he is performing the ones that matter, ie you and your DCs then what "deal" is he breaking?

FWIW I'm not a big fan of wider family gatherings on my own side of the family, so can sort of see where your DP is coming from.

Oh OP I x-posted with your last post and just read it. I can't imagine how hard that must be or how awful it must have been for you as well. So sad that hens suffering, if only he could somehow start to open up. What would his reaction be if you showed him this thread I wonder?

he's suffering

2rebecca I've been with OH 15 years, been on the receiving end of abuse from his ex and supported him when his 11 year old son moved to the other side of the world. If I weren't that keen on him I'd have quit before now.

I am pleased to receive other points of view, and do agree that perhaps I should let this one lie, but I can't help that I want him by my side and it bothers me that he won't come.

Perhaps deal breaker was a bit strong but the less he comes to the more bothered I get by it, I don't know how to deal with that.