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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this may end up being a deal breaker

53 replies

Abitpissedoff · 02/05/2012 22:11

OH and I have been together nearly 15 years, we have 2 children and I'm pretty sure if I don't rock the boat we'll be together for ever. He's not the most romantic, but his first priority is his family (me and our children).

He used to be very happy go lucky but something happened in his life that has changed him and he's a different person to who he was, that's not to say I don't love him regardless.

I am very close to my family and we do a lot together. OH used to come to family get togethers and would join in the fun but over the years he has come to less and less. I've got an anniversary celebration at the weekend for my aunt and uncle, and I really want OH to come with me but he won't, he's made his mind up that he doesn't want to go and that's final, without any regard to how this makes me feel.

He's not as close to his family and he says me and the children are his family, but I feel as though he should be willing to do it for me.

The less things he comes to, the more I resent him for it and want to scream 'you would if you loved me' although I know it's a bit pathetic.

So AIBU to want him to come and let this chip away at me or should I just accept that he won't and do it all without him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Abitpissedoff · 02/05/2012 23:00

Hearts I don't think it'd be a good one, he doesn't get the whole internet / social networking thing, and discussing his business on here wouldn't go down so well

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/05/2012 23:01

this wouldn't be a deal breaker for me

I hate family get togethers

being forced to be nice and mak small talk with people you probably wouldn't give the time of day to in any other situation is my idea of Hell

I like most of H's family, but some of them are deadly dull and I have heard everything they are ever gonna say in the last 20+ years

don't force him to do this...if he does it under duress it means nothing

ImperialBlether · 02/05/2012 23:02

I have to say within my own family, those whose partners didn't go to family events were the relationships that foundered. It was often a sign that things were going badly when someone started finding something else to do on that day.

It's nice for you to see your parents on your own, but at bigger events, if your partner doesn't want to be there and your family are perfectly reasonable people, then I think there's a problem.

It was horrific what his ex did. It's every parent's nightmare. But that doesn't really affect him seeing your mum, does it?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 02/05/2012 23:04

I don't see the problem with people who have always been like this - you are getting what you signed up for... the problem I see is that he has changed so much, he's clearly depressed/struggling and unless he gets help he will just get worse :(

minitoot · 02/05/2012 23:05

I don't think this is really about going or not going to the party. I think the real problem here is that he's depressed, and that's having a negative effect on your relationship in general. Can you persuade him to go to Relate with you?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/05/2012 23:06

YANBU

I am always really surprised at how many people on MN say they don't bother with their inlaws and vice versa.
Growing up, we always visited family as a family, so the concept is really alien to me.

But all that to one side, if it is important to you that he go, then he should go. I would be really upset if DH suddenly stopped engaging socially with my family.

Original poster
Abitpissedoff · 02/05/2012 23:09

Because he won't talk, I've often though about going to see someone together to see if they can help me put my point across but I think OH would see it as the beginning to an end.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/05/2012 23:09

Imperial - yes exactly that.

In fact one of my SILs has been doing a lot of avoiding in the last year, and we all assume that the marriage is falling apart.

minimisschief · 02/05/2012 23:10

calling it parenting or babysitting. honestly who gives a flying fuck

Whatmeworry · 02/05/2012 23:42

YABU - lets face it, relatives are usually dull. Other people's relatives are even more dull.

boringnickname · 02/05/2012 23:49

"HeartsTrumpDiamonds Wed 02-May-12 22:47:22

FFS it is not called "babysitting" when it is your own children, it is called PARENTING.

lisaro · 02/05/2012 23:57

Maybe he feels he doesn't want to live in your families pockets (Apologies if this assumption is wrong).

HeathRobinson · 03/05/2012 00:00

How often are the family get-togethers? More than once a year would be too much for me too.

But, I imagine he's still hurting very much about his son and perhaps it's just agony for him seeing so many examples of happy family life?

AllYoursBabooshka · 03/05/2012 00:17

YABU.

Maybe he just wants a quiet life now? He's a grown man who has been through a lot and you shouldn't force him into situations that make him uncomfortable, Suggesting this is a deal breaker seems rather controlling.

Why can't you just go on your own as you enjoy these get togethers and let him stay at home as he doesn't?

sayithowitis · 03/05/2012 00:21

firstly, like a couple of other posters, I am amazed at just how often I read on here about a woman not wishing to visit the ILs and how the advice is often along the lines of 'it's HIS family, not yours, you shouldn't feel you have to go, why not have a spa day ' etc etc. And here we are, telling a woman in the opposite situation, that her DH SHOULD be accompanying her.

Anyway, from the information you have given Op, it sounds as though your DH's son moved away around 7 years ago? You say that DH used to accompany you, but 'over the years' this has become less frequent. I wonder, does that change co-incide with the son moving away? Because it strikes me that he appears to be wanting to hold onto you and your children, almost as if he wants to stop anyone taking you to the other side of the world? And, as somebody else said, it may be that seeing your family celebrating , together, just reminds him that he cannot do the same with his other son. Not through choice, but because it has been forced upon him. And even if he is able to have face-to-face contact in the future, that will never make up for the childhood years that he has missed with his son. Try to put yourself in his shoes and think how you might feel if someone deprived you of physical contact with your 11 year old? I know I would find it so hard to be around a big, happy extended family celebration, knowing that there is always one person missing.

I feel very sad for you both, but I do think you need to cut him some slack on this.

sunnydelight · 03/05/2012 00:29

I think it would really help him (and by default you) if you could get him to talk to someone professionally. He has in effect suffered a bereavement but withought it being seen as such. I think it is totally understandable that he has closed down his notion of family to only include you and the kids thus minimizing the risk of "losing" other people he cares for in the future.

Perhaps if you can tell him, nicely, how much his behavior is affecting you and now much you want to try and help he would agree.

Chilenachica · 03/05/2012 04:06

I used to do all the family visits until the IL, all of them became intolerable - to vareying degrees. Now I will happily let the OH jet off to visit his parents while leaving me here in a foreign land with the DCs and no-one to turn if the stuff hits the fan. Nothing happened suddenly to make me change, I just decided enough was enough. If that had turned out to be a deal breaker for my OH, then so be it. We've been together a few years longer than you and your OH

Is it really worth that much to you?

googietheegg · 03/05/2012 04:33

chile when you say all of your ils became intolerable, do you ever think the problem might be you?

I say this as my sil has the same issue - strong feelings about why everyone is difficult and against her and must be avoided.

dreamingbohemian · 03/05/2012 05:01

I think YABU

It seems to me you are approaching the situation a bit selfishly. There's a lot of this:

'I can't help that I want him by my side and it bothers me that he won't come.'

And 'I feel that he should be there with me'.

That's basically imposing your family expectations upon him, and not giving him any breaks for having had to deal with some serious family heartbreak that might make him not too jolly around other people's happy families.

Which makes me think that perhaps the real reason you care about this so much is that at some level you are tired of his moods, resentful of him not getting better, and are perhaps subconsciously 'punishing' him for that by insisting he do something that you want (i.e. go to family events)

Apologies if I'm off base

I think you should let up on the family events and find some way to get him into counselling.

I can't even imagine if I lost my son. I'm not sure I'd ever really get over it.

YonWhaleFish · 03/05/2012 08:54

Sounds like he needs counselling, but if he won't go, what can you do?

2rebecca · 03/05/2012 09:03

To me there are 2 seperate issues.

  1. He is more grumpy and miserable and may or may not be depressed but if he is he isn't choosing to get help for it. You don't enjoy living with him as much as you used to.
This may or may not be related to his son moving away 7 years ago.
  1. He doesn't like family gatherings and never has. You do.

Number 1 would concern me, and if I didn't enjoy my husband's company and he just moaned all day I would tell him that unless he sorted himself out by seeing a GP/ psychologist/ made more effort to be pleasant to live with then I would consider living alone. If he is upset about the loss of his son then he has to see that being miserable to you makes it more likely he'll lose some contact with his other kids. Also if his son is now 18 he'd be moving away from home and parents even if he lived locally now, I'd encourage him to try reopening communication with his son.
Number 2 wouldn't bother me.

albertswearengen · 03/05/2012 09:26

When I read your first couple of posts I did hear warning bells. I know of a couple of divorces where the first signs something was wrong was when one partner started disassociating from their inlaws. However after reading the rest of your posts it sounds as if your OH is depressed. Does he realise that not talking about it or receiving counselling could end up with him losing the tight little nuclear family he says he values.
If it is making you miserable and he is miserable I would try and make him see what is happening before he gets worse.

redexpat · 03/05/2012 09:58

It sounds as if it's not the party itself that's the deal breaker, but that his refusal to go is symptomatic of something else. I'm with the others who think that your DH is depressed. Unfortunately until he wants to get help there's not very much you can do to help that.

Regarding family parties, my ILs have a stupidly high number of them and I dutifully went to every one that we were invited to until it just became too much for me. DH and I came to a comprimise over which ones we would say yes to. Birthdays: The oldest generation, the youngest generation, his sisters and parents, and his Dad's family (because there's only 3 of them). We say yes to anniversaries, Christenings, Weddings and round birthdays. Others we consider as and when. Could you maybe come to a similar arrangement with him? Could you get him to come for a limited time?

Have you told him how important it is to you? Have you asked him to do it for you? Sometimes it's obvious to us but not to other people.

dreamingbohemian · 03/05/2012 12:35

Actually that's a good point -- you say you do a lot together with your family, how often are you asking him to go to things? If it's every week, maybe it's just too much for him. To be fair, a lot of people would be reluctant to give up precious family weekend time for an aunt's anniversary celebration.

GoPoldark · 03/05/2012 13:07

'The trouble is, he won't talk'

THAT'S what's eating you away.

I feel very sorry for him. He's suffered a terrible loss. I can see why playing happy families would - sometimes, most of the time - be just awful for him. It's understandable that he doesn't want to go.

BUT. There has to be give and take. He should be able to expect that you, as his wife, want to care for him and take his feelings into consideration - and when it really matters, put his feelings before your own when he finds things hard. As I hope he would do for you! But he CAN'T expect that if he in return won't also meet YOU halfway... by being prepared to talk to you about how he feels, why he feels it, thanking you for your understanding, and showing you that his moody refusal isn't about YOU, but about a really hard situation for him.

I'll bet that if he was to take your hand, sit down and let even a bit of it out about how he feels when he's plunged into a happy family gathering and misses his son so much, you'd be more than happy to meet him halfway.

Instead, he refuses to talk to you - so you feel punished, sulked at, taken for granted, abandoned.

You need to tell him that, and that he needs to be prepared to care for your feelings if he expects you to care for his.