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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is not my fault?

79 replies

iwannabewizbit · 02/05/2012 21:33

I've just had my mum on the phone giving me an earful and now Im pissed off.
It's her 60th in a few weeks, she called to invite us to a party 2 weekends after her birthday and we can't go. She thinks we should cancel our plans to go as she is having it on this specific weekend so it fits in with my 2 sisters plans.
I'm annoyed, she called them before booking and made sure it suited them but I'm meant to cancel my plans to fit in around everyone.
Am I being unreasonable to tell her I won't change my plans? Bearing in mind I've asked her 4 times if she is having a party and was told each time that she was not? And that I don't see why she couldn't call me before booking if she managed to call my sisters?

OP posts:
CailinDana · 02/05/2012 21:35

What are your other plans? I would say YANBU because she said she wasn't having a partner and she didn't check with you even though she did check with your sisters. But 60 is a big birthday. Does she have a habit of doing this sort of thing?

BlueRinse · 02/05/2012 21:36

It's her birthday sort of

If you don't accomodate it you will be known as the sister that upset mum about her birthday.

yabu

pjmama · 02/05/2012 21:37

YANBU - She should have checked first of course and you're entitled to be pissed off about it. But she's your mum and it's her 60th. It sounds like you've made it very clear that you're annoyed and why, only you know how important your prior engagement is and whether it's worth falling out with your mum over.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 02/05/2012 21:37

YANBU. If your other plans are important and can't be changed, then stick to them. If you can change your plans fairly easily, then you should. Not because you owe it to your mum, but because it will probably be a good party.

Original poster
iwannabewizbit · 02/05/2012 21:37

Other plan is evening wedding reception. Which I've already RSVP'd too.

OP posts:
Backtobedlam · 02/05/2012 21:39

YANBU and she should have let you know sooner or checked before booking it, but I think I'd cancel my plans just to keep her happy and not cause problems. That's me though, always go for the easy life!

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 21:40

Do you think your mum was just being a bit useless disorganised or is this something she does all the time?

thegreylady · 02/05/2012 21:40

YANBU to be fed up but I guess you could cancel that-are you invited to the rest of the wedding too?Your mum's party is a family thing and the fallout could be longlasting if you dont go.

MsVestibule · 02/05/2012 21:41

YANBU. Yes, if she checked it was OK for your sisters, why didn't she check with you too? Have you asked her? If I was in your situation, I'd be feeling that it was because she really wanted my sisters there, but not so fussed about me Sad. But that I'm sometimes told I'm oversensitive.

And no, I wouldn't change my plans. Is this symptomatic of your relationship with her? If so, it may be time to name a stand.

Original poster
iwannabewizbit · 02/05/2012 21:43

She is shit at making plans, never ever finalised things and will never give a straight answer.
Mun are you having a party,? Erm well we'll see.
Mum have you decided anything about your birthday?, I'm not sure what your dad thinks
And on
And on.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 02/05/2012 21:43

take a stand, of course Blush.

MarySA · 02/05/2012 21:44

YANBU. You asked if she was having a party. She said no. She spoke to your sisters and not you. I think you are entitled not to go. And you've already replied to the evening invitation. But I don't think people are usually upset if something crops up and you can't make an evening invitation to a wedding. I think I'd go to the one I'd enjoy the most. In this case.

squeakytoy · 02/05/2012 21:45

which would you rather go to?

Original poster
iwannabewizbit · 02/05/2012 21:47

The one I've had a proper invite too and that the people thought enough of us that they even offered us their house for the night so its easy with the kids! So the wedding.

OP posts:
LibrarianByDay · 02/05/2012 21:51

What is it your sisters are doing? Can you speak to them and see what they think about it or whether they can speak to your mum about the problem it's causing?

YANBU

Original poster
iwannabewizbit · 02/05/2012 21:53

Not sure what my sisters have planned she never said. But she did say they were staying at her housr so we would have to book a premier in for us 5.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 02/05/2012 21:55

If its something like a wedding reception, you definatly aren't being unreasonable!

What plans do your sisters have that are so special they can't be changed?

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 02/05/2012 21:59

YANBU

I'd be upset if someone (considering they'll have paid for the food per head) didn't come to my wedding party after they'd RSVP'd, because they were invited to another party later on.

I understand it's a big birthday and your mum, but that's just too rude. She should have checked with your plans too if it means that much to her. Very odd to call your 2 sisters but not you. Is that normal for her?

CailinDana · 02/05/2012 21:59

So she checked with your sisters and invited them to stay at her house but you were just told about it and then you're expected to stay in a hotel? Why is that?

Original poster
iwannabewizbit · 02/05/2012 22:06

Possibly cause we are not as close as she is to them. I'm the eldest, married with 3 kids. They have no kids so are obviously far more social than us..in her mind.

OP posts:
GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 02/05/2012 22:10

I would have thought with 3 kids it's even harder for you to organise a free night! What you going to do?

ChaoticismyLife · 02/05/2012 22:20

So she checked with your sisters but not you and she's having them to stay at her house but not you. I'd go to the wedding.

If she says anything you could point out that if it was that important to her for you to be there then she would have checked with you first as she did with your sister.

I have to admit to being surprised at some of the responses here, it's usually considered rude to cancel a prior engagement just because you've had another offer.

NicNocJnr · 02/05/2012 22:23

YAVBU - I'd be pissed and would say.

But agree with some pp's - as you've rsvp'd to a wedding that has already been paid for (and for your whole family too) then, even disregarding your want to go to the wedding, it would actually be a bit more than rude to bail out for anything other than emergency.

If it was a 'normal' party then fine - duty calls. Also your mother hasn't paid for your attendance yet so...tough.

Should you have kept a window free around your mother's 60th date? Yes and you did.

Should you have checked if she had plans or there was no surprise party going on? Yes and you did.

Does duty and family obligation generally take precedence in cases like this? Well, yes but see paid for bloody wedding reception!

Ignoring the other issues with your mother I would say sucks for her, if she had the time to call your sisters she had the time to call you.

Can you take her out and do something together in leiu?

NicNocJnr · 02/05/2012 22:24

Woah - hold up!! That was meant to be YANBU - Not! I didn't mean to say you are being very unreasonable...my fingers are either drunk or just fat. I think it's the fat Sad, from too much choc Smile

TheSkiingGardener · 02/05/2012 22:29

I'd ask your mother exactly why she didn't check with you. If she see's why you are annoyed and this was a one off mistake then I might change plans, but it doesn't sound like it is. Time to stand up for yourself.

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