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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is not my fault?

79 replies

iwannabewizbit · 02/05/2012 21:33

I've just had my mum on the phone giving me an earful and now Im pissed off.
It's her 60th in a few weeks, she called to invite us to a party 2 weekends after her birthday and we can't go. She thinks we should cancel our plans to go as she is having it on this specific weekend so it fits in with my 2 sisters plans.
I'm annoyed, she called them before booking and made sure it suited them but I'm meant to cancel my plans to fit in around everyone.
Am I being unreasonable to tell her I won't change my plans? Bearing in mind I've asked her 4 times if she is having a party and was told each time that she was not? And that I don't see why she couldn't call me before booking if she managed to call my sisters?

OP posts:
Original poster
iwannabewizbit · 03/05/2012 07:57

I asked her why she hadn't checked we were free if us going was so important, and was told that she didn't want to plan her birthday around everyone else.

OP posts:
PiedWagtail · 03/05/2012 09:29

YANBu - you have been invited to a wedding - that is important too, not just something you can change if you feel like it! Can you see your mum on her bday instead??

Can you talk to her and ask her why she didn't check with you as well as your sisters? Not surprised you're cross :(

Original poster
iwannabewizbit · 03/05/2012 10:41

She thinks they have far more important things to consider, real jobs and social lives. I on the other hand am a pt working mum so should have no life.

OP posts:
GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 03/05/2012 11:02

'Real jobs and social lives'! Shock That's horrible!

Personally would tell her, you have already said you'll attend the wedding. They've paid for your food, your accomodation is arranged and they are looking foward to you attending. They, after all, did give you plenty of notice of their party, and you said you'll go.

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it. She should've checked with you too.

reallypissedoffhouseseller · 03/05/2012 16:10

God, why are you even worrying about whether you ought to go to her party or not? She sounds really unpleasant. I second those who said go to the wedding, especially since you've already accepted and they'll have spent money on the basis of the number of guests attending.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 03/05/2012 16:14

go to the wedding. Your Mum is being awful, punishing you for having children and not consulting you before hand.

diddl · 03/05/2012 16:21

Of course YANBU!

I wouldn´t want to go where I´m not wanted-& I´d tell her!

Original poster
iwannabewizbit · 03/05/2012 16:42

oh, i wasnt planning on changing our plans..just wondered if that made me U!
my parents seem to think i sould fall in with theri plans and hate it when i dont. but they dont learn.
last yr we tried to tie them down for plans for christmas and got ummmed and ahhhed for so long we went and made our own plans with friends, on chriswtmas eve my mum called to ask us over to their house for christmas dinner!!

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 03/05/2012 17:09

YADNBU

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 04/05/2012 07:55

You need to tell your parents that last minute arrangements dont work for your family as you have social lives too - y'know, like your siblings do!?

If they cant change how they organise (or lack of) things then you just do what you do and if it fits in with your plans that is lovely, if not tough titties for your Mum.

idontbelieveanymore · 04/05/2012 10:22

YANBU - your obviously thinks that her day is so important that your life and plans and arrangements will just have to make way.

Hell would freeze over before I cancelled my plans as you have asked time and time again what she is doing.

Let us know how you break the news

Original poster
iwannabewizbit · 04/05/2012 15:46

well i am now the worlds most evil daughter, she is saying i have ruined her big birthday.
NO I BLOODY HAVENT.
her birthday falls on the 9th of may and her party is on the 23rd!!!!!!!!!
im free her birthday, the weekend before and the weekend after ffs. my sister is the one who is away on her actual birthday but thats ok!

OP posts:
diddl · 04/05/2012 15:57

Did you tell her that she has "ruined" it by not checking with all of her daughters?

Do you want to see her on her birthday?

(Not sure how far apart you are)

Is it worth just making an offer to see her on the 9th?
(If you want to)

Original poster
iwannabewizbit · 04/05/2012 16:00

i told her it was her own fault that we wernt going to be there, ( may also have said that if she wanted all her daughters there then she should have treated us all equally and picked up the phone!)

OP posts:
Debsbear · 04/05/2012 16:01

YANBU, I wouldn't change my plans from a wedding party for something else. I think that if you were doing something easy to rearrange then it would be different, but only because I wouldn't see it as worth falling out with my mother over. What did your sisters have organised that meant they couldn'tdo another date?

Original poster
iwannabewizbit · 04/05/2012 16:04

one is going to a show uptown and one is having a night away with her otherhalf.

OP posts:
manicbmc · 04/05/2012 16:05

But they couldn't plan that around her actual birthday, which falls on the same day every year?

Yanbu at all.

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 04/05/2012 16:07

Oh wizbit she doesn't sound very nice tbh! :(
I'm sorry she's being so horrible. She's being irrational and unreasonable, and I'm afraid there's no arguing with people like that.

Take the higher ground and ignore her rantings. Enjoy the wedding with your family, and just maintain to everyone - You are free on her actual birthday and whilst she checked your sisters were free for a party on the 23rd, she didn't check with you and it's impossible to cancel attending a friends wedding after it's been arranged and paid for a long time ago.

Anyone who thinks you're in the wrong is as unreasonable as your mum.

AKMD · 04/05/2012 16:10

YANBU. You did your best to make sure you'd be available if there was plan; now you have a prior engagement which takes precedence.

Original poster
iwannabewizbit · 04/05/2012 16:11

GRAVY
she would have anyone who listens believe that she lives and breathes for her girls and the grandkids, truth is i can go 3 months without seeing her.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 04/05/2012 16:14

Offer to take her out for lunch or whatever on her actual birthday then disengage if not graciously accepted

Elephantsteaparty · 04/05/2012 16:14

Could you point out to her that she brought you to to be too well mannered to turn down someone whose party you have already agreed to for another? Say that you know she wouldn't want you to be so rude as that, and so you are very sorry but you have to go to the wedding reception?

Of course, if she'd checked with you earlier then it would have been different, but as things stand...

Original poster
iwannabewizbit · 04/05/2012 16:15

she has decided that she wont be celebrating on her birthday, as my sisters wont be there. so my offer of dinner out has been turned down.

OP posts:
diddl · 04/05/2012 16:16

Oh that is horrible.

Elephantsteaparty · 04/05/2012 16:19

Fine, well that's her decision. You don't have to react.

Reminds me of my mother, who was invited to friends for lunch on the day of her birthday but decided they didn't want her to go so didn't. Neither me nor my sister lived anywhere near, so she was on her own, and got very miserable about it, which in turn got me upset. Until a friend pointed out that she was CHOOSING to be miserable and I had nothing to be guilty about.

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