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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to go back yet?

63 replies

amieis · 02/05/2012 14:22

Our dd is 2 1/2 months old and my partner is pressuring me to go back to work in june. I have until october until my maternity leave is up and I don't want to go back until I have to.
His reasons for wanting me to go back are that he dropped hours from his stable fulll time job to take on a self employed, comission only sales job despite everyones warnings not to, and now its not going how he thought it would. We cope just fine with the income we have but if I go back we will have to pay for childcare and I'm going to miss out on important phases of dds development.
I'm reluctant to go back yet as I don't drive and work an hour and a halfs travel on public transport away, meaning I would leave at 7am and not get home until after 7pm, so I would not see dd at all during the week. I also want to bf as long as possible so think that its unfair on dd to have only bf for 3 months when I go back. Finally I want to leave it as long as possible because I don't want someone else being the one to teach dd to walk and talk, and want to be there for as many of her important milestones as I can.
Aibi to want to take my full allowance?

OP posts:
MamaMaiasaura · 02/05/2012 14:24

YaNbu he's been a dick.

Can I be the first tho to say "leave the bastard" Wink

DPrince · 02/05/2012 14:27

Yanbu to want to stay at home longer. Dh opened a restaurant when dh was 8 weeks. Things were tight, but dh never made a decision without me that would have affected my mat leave and certainly would not have demanded I went back to work sooner.

pjmama · 02/05/2012 14:33

YAdefinitelyNBU! I would be horrified at the thought of leaving such a young baby to go back and work the hours that you're describing, especially if you're managing on one salary the moment. What is his justification for sending you back to work early if it's not financial?

DPrince · 02/05/2012 14:36

Also, can I ask how much input you had when he decided to cut his hours?

Original poster
amieis · 02/05/2012 14:37

He's adamant that we can't manage on the money we have coming in, especially as the house we live in is midway through a desperately needed rennovation.
I'm horrified at the thought of leaving her to go back to work, I can't stand to be away from her for more than a few hours right now, and its got to the point where I cry if I think about it!!!

OP posts:
Shutupanddrive · 02/05/2012 14:38

YANBU at all! Don't go back until you decide to

OutInAllWeathers · 02/05/2012 14:38

YANBU at all, and you shouldn't feel pressurised by your DH. It should be a decision you make together and to hardly see your dd during the week is a huge issue IMO.

Original poster
amieis · 02/05/2012 14:40

I had no input at all. I gave him my honest opinion about this self employed thing, that it wouldn't be a good idea, and pil and his brother told him the same, but he went ahead and did it anyway.

OP posts:
pjmama · 02/05/2012 14:42

Renovations can wait. If you're paying the bills, water isn't pouring in every time it rains and everyone is getting fed then he's being a selfish arsehole. Remind him that right now your baby needs you alot more than he needs a new kitchen/bathroom/etc or whatever the house needs. If the plan was to go back in October anyway then those few extra months make little difference to your renovation plans and a MASSIVE difference to your baby, especially if you're breastfeeding. I want to slap him on your behalf.

OTTMummA · 02/05/2012 14:44

what a twat

OiMissus · 02/05/2012 14:45

YANBU. Is he angry with himself for making a mistake with his work choices and therefore taking some of his frustration out on you - as you can save his face by keeping the income coming in?
Stay at home.
I'm back at work (just) and LO is 4 1/2 months old. But it was my decision, and our financial situation makes it necessary. I am BF, and expressing during the day. It's not easy. Luckily I have my own office, I've had blinds fitted to the windows, I've had to buy a mini fridge so I don't have to store milk in the communal fridge. I'm lucky in that my family help with childcare, but I still have to pay for 1 1/2 days a week (£80!).
I read up a bit and decided that I needed to be at home and establish bf for the first 4 months at least. I would advise to stay at home until she's 4 months. At least then she'll be a bit bigger, and stronger, and her immune system will be more developed before you leave her with a nursery. (It's tough leaving them for the first time!)

Original poster
amieis · 02/05/2012 14:47

The rennovation was fairly essential when he and his mother bought the house, as it was pretty much a shell and there was no kitchen or bathroom!!! (It now sounds like I'm defending him but I seriously could not live with his mothers interferance kind input into the raising of my child for much longer)

OP posts:
MamaMaiasaura · 02/05/2012 14:49

Do you need to work to survive financially?

If yes - then its hard but needs must
If no - then stay home.

Simple

pjmama · 02/05/2012 14:53

Were you living with his mother and bought a renovation job house so that you could move out? Was this done due to pressure from you due to intereference from his mother? Are you currently living in that house and is it currently in a liveable state? I'm sensing a backstory...

ewaczarlie · 02/05/2012 14:56

If you can survive then wait as long as you can. I went back at 9mnths and it was difficult then. While ds is fine I hate having missed so much of those critical early years. Luckily (??) I lost my job 6 weeks ago and while I'm looking it a new one I'm enjoying my ds so much and he's developing so much better with me than at nursery. I dot know how I'll be able to go back this time and ds is almost 3 now! Listen to your h and then do what you want- afterall he did the same thing!

PenguinArmy · 02/05/2012 14:59

if he wants the money so badly then he can find another job/more hours in a part time job.

Original poster
amieis · 02/05/2012 15:04

We were living with his parents when I got pregnant and there was no pressure for us to move out at any point as there was room for us all and his parents were more than happy for us all to stay after dd was born. I got home from work one day and was greeted at the door by his mom saying "we bought a house!" .... While I'd been out that day they'd gone and secured a mortgage and put down a deposit for a house for the three of us to move into!!! I had no prior knowledge of them planning this and had no input into it whatsoever! They bought the house in september and I didn't actually see it until the end of november, when dp said I was "allowed" to come and plan the nursery, so didn't know that it was in poor condition. The house is now livable but up until a month ago when we moved in it wasnt

OP posts:
HegagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 02/05/2012 15:39

They bought a house without you even knowing about it?? Are you expected to pay towards the mortgage of this house?

Sarcalogos · 02/05/2012 15:48

WHAT?

Get. Out. Now.

You 'weren't allowed' an opinion on the house you were moving into, not even to go and SEE it? And now your being forced back to work when your baby is less than 6months, against your will.

This is outrageous.

LIZS · 02/05/2012 15:50

This sounds very odd. Are you in UK ? You presumably didn't agree to part-funding the renovations on a property you don't actually own (whose name is on the deeds?) but presumably he agreed to the baby. Surely it is up to him to find a ft job while you are on ml.

GoPoldark · 02/05/2012 15:56

What? WHAT?????!!!

Start making plans which don't involve your P or his mother. Seriously - you will need them sooner than you think.

Don't even think about going back to work until after your leave it up - tell him that's not even up for discussion, and if he's worried, he can undo HIS OWN MISTAKES and find a better or more stable job. Oh, and point out to him that as you're clearly not a full partner when it comes to having input into major decisions like buying a house, it cuts both ways and you don't expect to be asked to take on responsibility for the other grown-up stuff like contributing to the mortgage. Ok? :)

But seriously, warning signs going off all over here. Your P is a dick. This isn't a good relationship. See the signs and be prepared for it all to get worse. DON'T take on any financial responsibility - DO NOT let anything be put in your name, because it's clear you won't have control over what's in your name. I'd refuse ANY responsibility for this house, btw. It's his, his decision, his problem.

Thank god he's a partner and not a husband. Start making a Plan B.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/05/2012 16:01

Your partner is an arse, and unfortunately it seems to run in the family.

And frankly, the term 'partner' seems ludicrous here, as partners generally work TOGETHER. So far he seems to think he is on charge of you, making the most major of decisions (house, job) and imposing them on you.

As to going back to work - tell him to take a hike. If anyone is to go back to work it is him, cap in hand, to his ex-employer, and ask if he can have his job back.

As to the house - why in god's name would he anyone buy a house an hour and a half's journey from where they work - surely, travel times are a big factor in where you househunt?

He'd be getting such a verbal kicking from me his ears would be ringing for a week.

Alligatorpie · 02/05/2012 16:03

I wouldn't go back yet. It is not fair on you or the baby. And if you are paying or 12 hours daycare every day, that would eat up a lot of salary. I think your dh needs to find another job ( even if he works washing dishes somewhere) he is not being reasonable.
And I am confused about the house. Who is paying the mortgage ? It sounds like a mess, do you have any real life support?
I hope it gets sorted out soon.

MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren · 02/05/2012 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pjmama · 02/05/2012 16:20

It would seem that you are being run roughshod over in this relationship. For your own good, draw a line now. Tell him you are not going back to work until your mat leave is up. See how he reacts when you stand up for yourself and demand that your opinion matters and his heard, then decide what you should do next from there. This doesn't sound like an equal relationship to me and alarm bells are ringing.