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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to go back yet?

63 replies

amieis · 02/05/2012 14:22

Our dd is 2 1/2 months old and my partner is pressuring me to go back to work in june. I have until october until my maternity leave is up and I don't want to go back until I have to.
His reasons for wanting me to go back are that he dropped hours from his stable fulll time job to take on a self employed, comission only sales job despite everyones warnings not to, and now its not going how he thought it would. We cope just fine with the income we have but if I go back we will have to pay for childcare and I'm going to miss out on important phases of dds development.
I'm reluctant to go back yet as I don't drive and work an hour and a halfs travel on public transport away, meaning I would leave at 7am and not get home until after 7pm, so I would not see dd at all during the week. I also want to bf as long as possible so think that its unfair on dd to have only bf for 3 months when I go back. Finally I want to leave it as long as possible because I don't want someone else being the one to teach dd to walk and talk, and want to be there for as many of her important milestones as I can.
Aibi to want to take my full allowance?

OP posts:

pjmama · 02/05/2012 16:21

is heard (not "his" - doh!)

Original poster

amieis · 02/05/2012 17:43

WhereYouLeftIt the reason we live so far away is because I moved to this location when we moved in with his parents, I used to live literally across the carpark from work, but circumstances meant I ended up moving in to live with them. If I could drive the journey would only be 20 minutes but because of public transport it takes 3 times longer!

I give him money each month out of my wages as all the bills are in his name, but its not specifically for one bill or mortgage or anything

OP posts:

minimisschief · 02/05/2012 17:52

yabu for the sole purpose one of your arguments is that you will miss your childs development. yet its fine for your partner to.

olimpia · 02/05/2012 17:53

Are you claiming any benefits + tax credits? If your income is lower than it was you may be entitled to extra ££s. Your local CAB should be able to help and by the way YANBU!!

Original poster

amieis · 02/05/2012 17:57

minimisscheif he's out all day anyway doing his self employed thing. When he comes home he has her for ten minutes and then gives her back to me. I wouldn't mind so much about going back if he hadn't chosen now to take a cut in hours and try something risky.
Maybe iabu then and we should both miss out

OP posts:

AllYoursBabooshka · 02/05/2012 18:02

mini, He was happy for OP to take full ML until his little project (which she had no say in) went tits up. His problem has nothing to do with spending more time with his child.

Why should she suffer for his mistakes?

BellaOfTheBalls · 02/05/2012 18:04

YANBU. He is BU. and unless you earn cast amounts of money going back to work is not going to ease any financial situations because of the cost of child care.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/05/2012 18:08

Gad, it just gets worse amieis!

You move in with him and his parents and get a three-hour round trip to work from it. Why did he not move in with you? Why are you the one who always has to make the compromise while he gets what he wants?

And you giving him money for him to pay the bills in his name - you do realise that with no paper trail, he could claim that you contributed nothing financially, and should you split could successfully argue that you are entitled to no part of what you consider joint property? I take it from this that there is no joint account? Is your name anywhere? Who owns the house you live in - him or his parents? Sorry to be the voice of doom, but you are very vulnerable financially here. Consider if you go back to work, his commission-only job continues to bring in nowt not enough; you would be financially supporting him, but he owns everything? No, no, no, this needs to change.

And what have you said to him in the past when he makes these major decisions without consulting you? Do you object?

LetsKateWin · 02/05/2012 18:40

YANBU and I'm sorry to say, he sounds very controlling. I know I don't know him and this is just based on a snippet if information, but it sounds too familiar to me.

Don't go back to work until your mat leave is up, and please have a serious think about what others have said about the financial side.

Original poster

amieis · 02/05/2012 20:29

WhereYouLeftIt the house I lived in originally was a shared house and for one reason or another a couple of housemates left and so we all had to leave. I've never been under any illusion that this is a joint property, essentially I'm just renting space off him, which I know will cause problems if we do split :( the house is owned jointly between him and his mom, but his dad did contribute to the deposit and helps with the mortgage (I believe). The only paperwork with my name on it is the council tax bill, but it all comes out of his account. I always object to the things he does but then I just feel like ibu to object

OP posts:

bitbewildered · 02/05/2012 23:00

YANBU. Stay with her for as long as you can manage to.

ImperialBlether · 02/05/2012 23:39

Oh I couldn't be doing with any of that.

I'd leave, get a place for my daughter and me and tell him to stuff it. No way would I be going back to work so early.

missingmumxox · 03/05/2012 00:28

good god, my friend was in a realationship like this, everything you discribe, she lost everything,
unlike you she gave 8000 pounds to her husband when she realised it was happening and she was okay about this as she thought she was on the deeds or at the very least her husband was, also it was convienent for her life and a nice house, the idea was they would part own and pay his mum and Dad "rent" for the remainder for their retirement.
she found on the divorce, that her husband wasn't on the deeds either! the parent owned it and rented to them and they had a rent book to prove it!, the £8000 was deemed by her solicitor unprovable as she paid it into her husbands account, and was slowly whittled away before completion on the house, so could be deemed normal household expences in the flat they rented before hand.
so take your mat leave, then leave this person it will not end well!

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 03/05/2012 00:40

Where do your parents live and could you go and stay with them until you can sort something else out? He sounds like a complete arse.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 03/05/2012 00:41

... and there's not a cat in hells chance I would be cutting short my maternity leave for this fuckwit. You will not get that time back with DD, it would be a huge mistake.

solidgoldbrass · 03/05/2012 00:45

You need legal advice immediately and to get out of this relationship. You are being exploited and the exploitation is going to continue if you don't get away. This family (the man and his parents) want to use you as both a breeding animal and a source of income, they are not regarding you as a person at all.

MumPaula · 03/05/2012 01:42

You are just a paycheck to him and he needs more money.

NicNocJnr · 03/05/2012 02:02

YANBU - I can only echo other poster's concerns and confusion and just offer you virtual support.

He's not on and it isn't fair to you or LO. Otherwise I can't really add much to what's here.

As to going back to work - tell him to take a hike. If anyone is to go back to work it is him, cap in hand, to his ex-employer, and ask if he can have his job back. - I can only re-iterate this.

You are being exploited is a pertinent and fair point.

Original poster

amieis · 03/05/2012 11:06

chippingin I'd love to go stay with them as they live abroad, but unfortunatley that wouldn't be practical :(
A further conversation regarding this has now made him turn it back on me and him saying that I was the one who made the decision to go back now. If I do go back childcare would then fall on his dad who would require paying, which to me seems to be defying the whole point of me going back??

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 03/05/2012 11:13

This is very, very fucked up: this man has a really distorted idea of who and what you are. He sees you as a resource to exploit and intends to make you isolated, scared, guilty and obedient. It's really not fixable, consult a solicitor quickly and make plans to get away.

Hullygully · 03/05/2012 11:18

not good

sugarice · 03/05/2012 11:23

No,don't go back to work yet, stay at home until your mat leave runs out.Sorry but your partner sounds very very unreasonable and a right arsehole.Take care.

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 03/05/2012 11:33

Sounds like he's really undermining you by lying about it being your decision.

Even if you go back to work, I wouldn't let his dad do the childcare - this sounds like a family you need to detach from pronto (as far as possible - obviously you will still be linked via your dd).

If you are paying a proper childminder/nursery at least you won't be beholden to his dad (is it possible your 'd'p might influence his dad's reliability to keep you off balance).

Also I'd be extremely resentful of paying a relative of his good money when he has shown no consideration of your needs and your dd's needs when making his financial decisions.

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 03/05/2012 11:41

Also, posting as someone who's worked in nurseries and thinking of you and DD for a minute, by October she will be 7.5 mths is that right ? Anyway over 6 mths.
At that age babies are so much more settled and IMHO it is a good age for them to start at nursery/ day care. They are usually very settled but not at an age when separation anxiety has set in. Also you can then enjoy the summer with DD and go back to work in the autumn as planned.

As others have said I do worry about your relationship with DP too, and would question whether it has a happy future. Might well be better to spend the summer finding alternative accommodation and generally moving on from all this with DD. Good luck !

ENormaSnob · 03/05/2012 12:42

Get out now.

He sounds a right prick.

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