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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my ex's new girlfriend should not be phoning my mother...

67 replies

balia · 01/05/2012 21:57

My DD (17) hasn't had any contact with her Dad since last year when there was a violent incident during which she was physically prevented from leaving his house. Very shortly after, ex's marriage broke down (not down to this but it was certainly symptomatic of the problems) and he has moved in with a new lady. DD has maintained contact with her SM, who is a lovely woman.

God knows what the new g/f has been told but she has made approaches to a family member (on ex's side of the family, but who keeps in touch with me), asking for contact details for DD, and details about why DD is no longer in touch with her Dad. Family member said she felt it was inappropriate to give contact details to new g/f and that she didn't feel comfortable discussing the issues - partly because she herself has limited contact with ex after he hit her 6-year old son.

This evening my (very elderly and unwell) Dad phoned to say this woman had been on the phone to him, asking to speak to my Mum (also elderly but luckily out).

Is this totally out of order? Should I ring her back?

OP posts:
MyCatIsAStupidBastard · 01/05/2012 21:59

Yes, ring her back. Nothing to do with this new g/f.

I would guess she is doing it with the best of intentions so if I were you I would aim to keep it polite and factual, but make it very clear that it is your DD's decision and that she is not welcome to contact your mother.

Sassybeast · 01/05/2012 22:00

Totally and completely out of order. I would ring her back and tell her in no uncertain terms to leave your family alone. Cannot believe the nerve of some people - hope you parents are okay.

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 01/05/2012 22:02

Do you know anything about her? Could it be that she has kids and she is nervous about why your DH has no contact with his daughter?

If she's trying to get in touch because she thinks she can arrange a wonderful reunion then yes, you may have to tell her to back off

sooperdooper · 01/05/2012 22:03

Nosey cow, call her and be polite but firm that it's none of her business and she needs to leave your family alone

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 01/05/2012 22:05

He may be playing the victim card here so I'd just be polite, relay the facts and sImply state that it's between DD and her father so you'd appreciate her not approaching any more people about this.

I think I'd actually be very interested to know what he'd told her but then I'm a nosey cow.

squeakytoy · 01/05/2012 22:06

Do you know anything about her? Could it be that she has kids and she is nervous about why your DH has no contact with his daughter?

That could be a very valid point... although she should ring you, not involve your parents.. and who on earth gave her their number?

bogeyface · 01/05/2012 22:06

I am wondering if Everybodys has a point.

Perhaps she has heard his side of the story but has also heard whispers from elsewhere and wants to know what she is getting into. I couldnt blame her if that is the case, but she is being a bit "bull in a china shop" about it.

If it isnt that then I would be inclined to think that she is doing at your ex's behest, trying to "sort things out" and in that case, she needs telling in no uncertain terms to butt out!

bogeyface · 01/05/2012 22:06

x-posted with Squeaky

EdithWeston · 01/05/2012 22:07

It's hard to say, as you don't know anything about her, what she's been told from his side or why she wants to find out. She might prove to be a PITA, or she might be someone who is sensing inconsistencies and red flags, or if he is guiding it all from the sidelines.

I don't know what to say on whether you should ring her.

But if you do, do it from a phone that witholds the number, or do it from work to be on the safe side.

Do not give out DD's contact details. Do not feel you have to answer her every question. Stick to the minimum information, bare facts only (backed by third party evidence such as police called, legal steps). Do not promise to even tell DD of the enquiry; do no more than say you'll think about it.

If you are still on good terms with the SM, it would be worth talking it through with her and co-ordinating anything either of you feels like saying. If she has been approached, and does not want to be helpful, find out why. Her reasons may be very sound.

Rindercella · 01/05/2012 22:12

Totally out of order.

Agree with SleepyEyed...she's either done this out of worry for her own safety or that of her children or to try and orchestrate some great, emotional reunion between father and daughter.

Either way, she should be told in no uncertain terms to never contact your parents again (how anyone would think that would be a good idea is beyond me).

ABatInBunkFive · 01/05/2012 22:12

I'd ring her and tell her to fuck off not to be bothering my parents again.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 01/05/2012 22:16

If she wanted to know why he has no contact then why not call the OP? Why call her parents? Personally I would call her and tell her that if she bothers your family again, you will inform the police. and smack her on the nose

Anniegetyourgun · 01/05/2012 22:23

Why, because the OP is a psycho bitch from hell of course. It's one of the main indicators that you should not touch a bloke with someone else's barge pole if he has a string of exes who he doesn't want you to contact at all costs because they're all unhinged and will say terrible, untrue things about him.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/05/2012 22:24

ps balia I didn't mean to imply you really are a psycho bitch from etc!

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 01/05/2012 22:24

The problem is - if OP phones up all guns blazing and the gf is just looking for help - well it may just reinforce what he's told her about OP!

Cool and calm

Hassled · 01/05/2012 22:26

Completely inappropriate that she should ring your parents, but she's clearly on some sort of a mission to get information, and there's a possibility all she wants to know is exactly what she's getting herself into. It could be shit-stirring on her part, but it could be genuine concern re what sort of a psycho your DD's father is.

Call her, tell her the score. Then tell her to leave you alone.

Original poster
balia · 01/05/2012 22:32

Am feeling much, much more upset now - I did ring, got her message service, left a very polite message to say I didn't feel it was appropriate for her to be bothering my parents and if she felt there was something that needed discussion she could ring me.

Then DD came downstairs in floods of tears - the woman had rung her on her mobile! DD tried to be polite; this woman claims she has 'changed' DD's Dad, he is no longer drinking (HOHO) slagged off DD's SM (who she really cares about) also she says she is 'worried' about DD, that she wants to meet her and get DD to 'look her in the eye' when she explains why she doesn't want to see her Dad.

I am beside myself with rage. Can't type coherently any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
balia · 01/05/2012 22:35

And breathe. Don't know much about her but this isn't out of concern for her own children - ex was 10 years older than me - she is older than him. Her kids are grown and I even think she has a grandchild.

Would actually be violent, I think, if she was right here. Am not going to ring again this evening, don't trust myself. DD was hysterical. Apparently this woman was talking about all kinds of memories DD has of her Dad when she was little. Really cannot believe this.

OP posts:
Hassled · 01/05/2012 22:36

Oh shit - you poor thing. Ok - woman is batshit crazy and all you can tell yourself is that the truth will out; she'll know soon enough what he's like, from what you've said. Hope your DD is OK.

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 01/05/2012 22:37

Ok - she is completely out of order

Your DD needs to understand that this woman knows nothing about SM or her Dads behaviour and she has no obligation to meet her.

Can you get the phone company to block her number?

A follow up call may be necessary. Would this count as harrassment and warrant a call to the police if it continued?

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 01/05/2012 22:38

This woman sounds like a nutcase and I would be furious.

No advice to give though, really not sure what to say. Your daughter doesn't need to explain anything to her or look her in the eye.

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 01/05/2012 22:39

Maybe a nice chat with her SM might help too - might help both of you as the SM may have been contacted too

she sounds like the kind of woman who'd marry a death row inmate!

McHappyPants2012 · 01/05/2012 22:39

what the cheek of this women.

does your dd have a facility on her phone to block numbers.

AnyFucker · 01/05/2012 22:39

right ok, now she has shown you what her objectives are, she needs a short, sharp and meaningful "back the fuck off" message

ZZZenAgain · 01/05/2012 22:41

nip it in the bud. She doesn't have the interests of your dc at heart. Something else is motivating her.