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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my ex's new girlfriend should not be phoning my mother...

67 replies

balia · 01/05/2012 21:57

My DD (17) hasn't had any contact with her Dad since last year when there was a violent incident during which she was physically prevented from leaving his house. Very shortly after, ex's marriage broke down (not down to this but it was certainly symptomatic of the problems) and he has moved in with a new lady. DD has maintained contact with her SM, who is a lovely woman.

God knows what the new g/f has been told but she has made approaches to a family member (on ex's side of the family, but who keeps in touch with me), asking for contact details for DD, and details about why DD is no longer in touch with her Dad. Family member said she felt it was inappropriate to give contact details to new g/f and that she didn't feel comfortable discussing the issues - partly because she herself has limited contact with ex after he hit her 6-year old son.

This evening my (very elderly and unwell) Dad phoned to say this woman had been on the phone to him, asking to speak to my Mum (also elderly but luckily out).

Is this totally out of order? Should I ring her back?

OP posts:

confusedpixie · 02/05/2012 19:01

I wish my Mum was like you when I was that age! You sound brilliant, well done for getting it done and I am pretty sure you can change numbers on a contract, they will send a new sim programmed with the new number.

suburbophobe · 02/05/2012 19:14

Your ex is violent. I would keep well away from him and his new GF, it will only bring grief. The fact that she is meddling into your family speaks volumes - how is she getting hold of the tel. nrs. by the way?? (sorry if I missed that).

Original poster

balia · 02/05/2012 19:20

That is brilliant info 3ismylot, will get on the phone to them (stiff drink in hand).

Thanks all!

OP posts:

ABatInBunkFive · 02/05/2012 19:22

Brilliant stuff, well done you!

Earthymama · 02/05/2012 19:29

Well done, you!!
Your daughter is lucky to have you and SM in her life.
i have had conversations about my ex a couple of times in the last few days and it always strikes me how idiotic these men are!!
Good luck, big cwtches to you all.

NicNocJnr · 02/05/2012 19:35

Woah.....I'm sorry, I didn't for a second think she had concerns of her own and thought she was either set up to do this or doing it because she's emotionally blinded but still....WTAF?????

OP- I want to slap her for you, how you must be feeling is just insane.

All anger aside - I would re-assure my daughter that not only will she not be encouraged into any contact of any kind with either of them; if she wants to change her phone number that's easily done. Her SM has been terribly insulted, as have you - 2 people that mean a great deal to her and she loves but you are both adults that don't expect her to enter any battles on behalf of your honour as it were or to hold on to the hurt it was calculated to cause.

If she has concerns this is going to get way more crazy then discussion of the ways she can be protected under the law and how she will always have a safe bolt hole that is unreachable/secret to her father and this woman may be sufficient to calm her anxiety.

I've danced this dance before and I had very confusing feelings - I loved my father but hated everything about him and his behaviour; but, it was all I knew and I missed him and it was all a bit messy. Separation from the bad behaviour and it's impact can mean, in moments of weakness, yearning for the romanticised, re-written version of the person you loved and she may be feeling very...conflicting things about the validity of her feelings now he is saying he's a changed man and has stopped drinking but also why she wasn't enough to make it happen. Although as a bright 17 year old I suspect she has more than her fair measure of this man.

I would be tempted to look into the best methods to use for legal protection from harrassment so you have a clear idea how to proceed if necessary. I would also call this stupid bitch and cooley lay out the fact that if she does not back off and stop all contact with your DD (and the fam but you can't really control that) then you will take action against her. As to the rest of it, I seriously pity her as she will find out soon enough he's not stopped drinking, he's not changed and she'll be taking the brunt of it for getting involved and 'causing' problems meaning your daughter won't see him. The phrase you can crash and burn because of your own stupidity but you will not take my daughter with you would probably cross my lips even though they shouldn't.

Northernlurker · 02/05/2012 19:36

Bravo for you! I agree that the most likely thing is that ex is manipulating thsi woman but that's irrelevant really. She needs to back the hell away and I guess she knows that now

NicNocJnr · 02/05/2012 19:42

Jesus H on a bike [anger] missed the last lot again - idiot. I'm sorry op for being behind. Ignore my ramblings.

How awesome are you! Hopefully that's got the point across and if not- you can't say you didn't warn her. A huge brava for you

Mishy1234 · 02/05/2012 19:51

Well done op, you've handled this dreadful situation brilliantly. You should be very proud of yourself.

Dozer · 02/05/2012 20:06

Bravo OP.

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 02/05/2012 20:34

Well done and good luck!

bochead · 02/05/2012 20:37

Mumsnet is so cool sometimes.

Knowing where you stand legally in case of any future incidents does sound like a good idea, as does changing your daughter's phone no.

Sadly I've got the gut feeling your ex has met his soulmate & I don't mean that in a good way at all. She's several sandwiches short of a picnic and there's a razor blade hidden in her pork pies.

My only suggestion now is that you pop to the pound shop and pick up 1/2 dozen cheap whistles to distribute & leave by the family house phones.. Blow HARD down the line anytime she calls just as soon as she says hello & then hang up straight away. It's easier for a polite, decent elderly person to use a whistle than to yell "fuck off" but sends the same message, and is a lot of fun ; )

MissFaversham · 02/05/2012 20:44

Sounds like they're probably made for each other - a match made in hell springs to mind.

Have absolutely nothing to do with all this crap op. Don't be drawn into their sheer drama madness.

sosadforhim · 02/05/2012 20:58

Good for you! She needed to be put in her place. You did it so promptly and politely (given the circumstances) so well done. Hope your daughter does well in her exams.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 02/05/2012 23:54

Well done OP, hope that message has done the trick.

Original poster

balia · 03/05/2012 19:01

Just wanted to check back in and say thanks to everyone. Have now changed DD's phone number; as 3ismylot said, it was very quick and only cost a tenner. The relief is immense; knowing that they can't contact her and they will have to come through me. Haven't heard anything, though - hope the message has got through loud and clear. Not sure it is the last of it but we'll see. Am going to do a little notice to put by the phone so that if they do ring the house whoever answers can just read 'You have been asked not to ring here. I'm going to note the time of this call and pass the info on to the police' (Although I would love my 69-year old Mum to say 'fuck off', I'm not sure she will.)

I'm really touched by everyone's praise and the support really helped me deal with the situation. DD did 6 hours of her art exam today and has another 6 hours tomorrow. She seems to be dealing with everything really well.

I also called my 'niece' (actually his niece but she lived with us when we were together and we are still close). I've let her know I've changed the number and suggested she doesn't have it so he can't bully her into giving it to him. She readily agreed - DD and she keep in contact through FB anyway, and she still has my number. She said ex had already rung her this afternoon but didn't leave a message...so we shall see what happens.

Thanks again.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/05/2012 19:44

aww

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