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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my ex's new girlfriend should not be phoning my mother...

67 replies

balia · 01/05/2012 21:57

My DD (17) hasn't had any contact with her Dad since last year when there was a violent incident during which she was physically prevented from leaving his house. Very shortly after, ex's marriage broke down (not down to this but it was certainly symptomatic of the problems) and he has moved in with a new lady. DD has maintained contact with her SM, who is a lovely woman.

God knows what the new g/f has been told but she has made approaches to a family member (on ex's side of the family, but who keeps in touch with me), asking for contact details for DD, and details about why DD is no longer in touch with her Dad. Family member said she felt it was inappropriate to give contact details to new g/f and that she didn't feel comfortable discussing the issues - partly because she herself has limited contact with ex after he hit her 6-year old son.

This evening my (very elderly and unwell) Dad phoned to say this woman had been on the phone to him, asking to speak to my Mum (also elderly but luckily out).

Is this totally out of order? Should I ring her back?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/05/2012 22:43

I would also be having a word with your ex and telling him to stop manipulating this woman into throwing bombs into your family

I feel sorry for this gf actually...she simply has no clue, does she ?

MadamFolly · 01/05/2012 22:45

I would be spitting! The fucking cheek!

Take tonight to calm down and think again tomorrow. It might be best to ask someone else to contact her on your behalf since I would struggle to be civil.

Original poster
balia · 01/05/2012 22:48

Thanks all - and AF - am going to ring the police in the morning and see if they can deliver a sharp 'back the fuck off' message.

Hadn't thought about SM being contacted, bloody hell, she is so lovely- apparently one of the things this woman said was that SM was a bad person as she had 'abandoned her children' - this is a description of the shared residence they had with their Dad. Ex always slagged them off - in any case, they were in their late teens when he moved in, they all hated him! Shouldn't get annoyed, as my 17 year old said, her Dad is an expert manipulator and she has heard it all before.

Am going to go to bed and sleep on it. So, so glad I got away from him.

OP posts:
FrauGrau · 01/05/2012 22:48

Leave her alone. She is trying (even if misguided) to do something right. Tell DD not to answer her calls. Send message to X telling him to make her back off. Leave your parents to deal with their own calls : they are adults. (let them know that they can tell her to F off if they want). Thats all. Your only responsibility is to DD. she is the only one you should be advising

squeakytoy · 01/05/2012 22:49

Sounds to me like the woman has a drink problem of her own.. this sort of emotional blackmail tripe is the sort of irrational behaviour you could expect from someone who is pissed and in their head believes they are "doing the right thing for their "man"".

Someone is giving her those numbers though, and encouraging her to do this...

Sassybeast · 01/05/2012 22:52

Defiantely contact the police. I have similar issues at the minute - hence my initial gut feeling that this was not an altruistic phone call. Hope your poor DD is okay.

confusedpixie · 01/05/2012 22:53

She needs to back off. It might be worth ensuring your DD has friends/family with her for the next few weeks too in case this woman tries to approach her (if she could get any details of where your DD may be). How did she get the contact numbers? Can you block them or change your numbers?

AnyFucker · 01/05/2012 22:53

yep, I think the biggest villian here is Laughing Boy

I imagine he is rather enjoying watching his new plaything get everyone's knickers in a twist (speaking from his POV)

in your situation, I would be speaking to him and making it clear if it continues then you will be contacting the police

ZZZenAgain · 01/05/2012 22:54

I don't have the impression that she is trying to do something right, very much the opposite in fact

FashionEaster · 01/05/2012 23:16

After the BTFO message, get dd to block her number. Advise parents to be very loud in putting the phone down on her and give a heads up to the SM too.

This is all about her and him, their warpy-ness, and nothing to do with your poor dd.

bogeyface · 01/05/2012 23:19

Nutjob central.

I agree with contacting the police and if they cant help then get thee to a solicitor to see if there is anything you can do there instead. A strongly worded FUCK THE FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING NIGHTMARE letter from a solicitor may do the trick.

"Look me in the eye"? Seriously? WTAF?! Who the fuck does this bitch think she is to speak to YOUR DD like that? I would feel violent too I think Angry

Devora · 01/05/2012 23:37

My father abandoned ship when I was a baby, never wanted anything to do with us, never paid child support or sent birthday cards etc. When I was in my mid teens he remarried, and his new wife went on a mission to bring us all together. The mission was mostly expressed as repeatedly telling me off for not being closer to my father, not understanding his problems etc. She calmed down a lot when she had her own child, but then he started on at me for not doing enough to support her, travelling across London to babysit etc. A couple of times my mum got embroiled in rescuing her when my father had beaten her up (he is a violent alcoholic who beats up all his women). You would think that might give her some insight into why I didn't want to get too close to him, but oh no.

So my sympathies, OP. Of course this woman MEANS well: she has cast herself as the knight in shining armour and doesn't want to hear anything that disturbs that fantasy. I would be absolutely spitting feathers in your place. I agree with all the others that your dd needs your permission and support in refusing to engage with this.

Original poster
balia · 02/05/2012 17:30

A bit calmer today - DD got a text from her father saying wasn't new g/f wonderful and he was looking forward to seeing her (DD) and having her come to stay for 'ages and ages'. DD says she isn't sure who is more deluded, her Dad or new g/f.

Also she has asked if I can take her into town at the weekend and have her phone number changed - it is a contract phone so I'm not sure so cross fingers.

DD's SM rang her today too, as yes, the new g/f had phoned her as well. Sensibly, though, SM put the phone down as soon as she realised who it was. She and DD had a lovely chat and SM said how much she missed her, she was welcome to visit anytime, she would give DD a key if she wanted one. Lovely woman.

So, have had a bit of legal advice and am just working up the nerve to ring her. Don't want to lose my temper, but want to make it crystal clear that there is to be no repeat performance - apart from anything else, DD has AS exams coming up.

OP posts:
Chilenachica · 02/05/2012 17:42

So, if it wasn't the GF calling DD, how does daddy know about the call? Or is DD supposed to be too stupid to think of that?

You may not actually want your DD using such words, and I would not normally suggest it, but if the GF calls her again she needs to give a firm and definite FUCK OFF, then hang up, and not answer unless she recognises the number. Would your parents also be willing to use the same term? I know a lot of older people don't swear, but some do.

If you explain to the phone people that DD is getting abusive calls they should be more flexible. Good luck with the phone call, just stay on topic and remember that you are in the right here.

nowadoubledee · 02/05/2012 18:02

Your daughter will be able to get the numbers blocked. Of course they can always try ringing from different numbers.
As the contact is aggressive & unwanted, the police should treat it as harrasment. They will pay he a visit & warn her off. If she's normally law abiding, that will probably see her off. In my experience, zero tolerance of behaviour like this & a willingness to involve the Police works very well with people who have personality disorder issues

Original poster
balia · 02/05/2012 18:04

She put the phone down on me! And I was fairly completely polite as well!

OP posts:
bewitchedandbewildered · 02/05/2012 18:07

Maybe she's not had a drink yet. Try again later tonight when she's pissed and baffled by his bullshit.

ajandjjmum · 02/05/2012 18:09

Hopefully she got the message - stupid woman.

It's probably worth changing your dd's phone even if it costs, so that she is uncontactable during the run up to exams, and avoids any hassle.

Original poster
balia · 02/05/2012 18:19

I said hello, explained who I was, said she had phoned some members of my family. She started havering and saying oh yes well, oh dear, she shouldn't have done that...I said absolutely, and that I wanted to make clear that she wasn't to call them again. She started to get snotty then, saying she just wanted to say something first, but I interrupted and said actually, I would rather have her assurance immediately that she wasn't going to call them.

Then she had the bloody cheek to say I was missing the point! I said, just don't ring them and she put the phone down!

Have rung back and it went to answering machine so am going to get a few pointers written down and leave a very clear message.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/05/2012 18:26

you did really well, balia

no wonder she put the phone down, in the face of that icy determination

you rock Smile

Chilenachica · 02/05/2012 18:31

Well done balia

Don't give an inch, you clearly got through to her.

And I second to notion that you rock, big timeGrin

Original poster
balia · 02/05/2012 18:38

Right - have left calm, controlled message saying that I have taken legal advice and that I am officially informing her that her calls to members of my family have caused distress and that if she continues after being informed of this it will be considered harassment. I said I couldn't imagine how a grown woman could think it was appropriate to phone a 17 -year old she had never met to discuss such emotional and private topics as family relationships and that DD has made her feelings about her relationship with her father very clear to him, it was between the two of them and that I would be changing her number so there was no recurrence. And that if she felt there was anything else she needed to discuss - although I couldn't imagine what that could possibly be - she was to phone me, not any other member of my family.

Phew. Am still shaking.

But AF said I rock. Feel MUCH better.

OP posts:
Hassled · 02/05/2012 18:46

You bloody do rock - Go Balia :o. Now pat yourself repeatedly on the back and have a stiff drink.

3ismylot · 02/05/2012 18:47

Hi no good with advice but just to let you know that if you ring the mobile service provider they will change the phone number straight away (They just generate a new one on the account) so no need to trek into town or wait until the weekend to sort it.

kidsinamerica · 02/05/2012 18:47

This thread shows everything that is great about Mumsnet. You posted for thoughts on this matter, got lots of good advice and then made some fantastic choices about how to deal with this situation.

OP you do indeed rock! Well done to you for being so brilliant for all your family members (especially DD).

You should be super proud of yourself, i've a feeling this might just be the end of all this.