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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if more people were open about Some mental health issues it would help a great deal

63 replies

Kayano · 01/05/2012 10:45

Just pondering really (not a tread about a thread but inspired by one)

I used to work in a shop and one day worked with another lady. I had one of those bosses who disliked young staff so it was always
'Kayano I need you to do x, y z'
'joyce would you like a cuppa'
'Kayano why isn't a,b,c done?!'

Errr because I was doing x, y, z

'just make sure it's done'
While clinking teacups with Joyce.

So I was on edge all the time anyway about not being liked even though I tried.

There was another woman... We will call her Mary. Mary would question me constantly over and over again about money. Not my money but shop money.

I would take a £20 note for a newspaper for example and issue change. Mary would be over to me in a shot
'what did you do with the £20?'
'I put it in the till'
'are you sure you took that £20?'
'yes I did'
'you haven't left it lying around or not put it in till?'

I often felt like 'FFS WOMAN I have not put it in my pocket it's in the MOFO TILL!' (not that I ever said this...

It got my back up because she used to do this in front of the boss who didn't much like me anyway and his eyebrow would always be up and staring at me. He started to double check the tills despite being cashed up correctly and having the exact money they should while I was there. My mum worked there too and this never happened so she wasn't happy and I soon left.

I honestly thought Mary was mean and a stirrer who was determined to get NE in trouble or sacked! I actually told my mother I hated her and she was making my life a misery at work. (it wasn't just money it was everything)

My mum later starts working with Mary and the same thing starts. Mum has a word. Turns
Out Mary had severe OCD. (I would recognise signs now but I hadn't heard of it then) and was diagnosed and everything.

I just thought there are so many mental health issues that are hidden away and people think of them as bad and shameful and it's a shame. I Mary had actually told me I would have been more understanding and not so upset and feeling victimised at work. My boss might have been more understanding and not always checking my till loads. I wouldn't have resented Mary.

It just made the whole situation worse. She knew she was doing it as I said a few times 'why are you asking again?' 'I PROMISE the money is where it should be...' etc

I know some people would find it hard to admit to some issues but honestly I just wish I'd known. I quit my job (for a better one as it turned out) and my mum was put in a terrible position over it :(

So AIBU to think openness in some situations such as this would be a good thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kayano · 01/05/2012 10:45

LONGEST POST EVER [trophy]

OP posts:
Original poster
Kayano · 01/05/2012 10:51

And it would help people understand how these issues affect people's every day and stop people who are just quite house proud from saying 'I'm totally OCD'

Fook off you are
Not OCD Hmm

OP posts:
Lovelynewboots · 01/05/2012 10:57

If someone has mental health issues it is absolutely nobody elses business. It may have made your life easier but would not have made hers easier. You just have to keep an open mind about people as you go through life. Your boss is accountable to her boss and if she had any concerns about whether the till was going to balance at the end of they day it would only have exacerbated her OCD symptoms. Thats not to say you were doing anything wrong.

whyme2 · 01/05/2012 10:58

I do understand your very long point and I agree to an extent. I do feel that people can keep parts of themselves private if they wish but I understand the position it puts you in.

It is a difficult one.

Lovelynewboots · 01/05/2012 10:59

Having said all of that openness generally of mental health issues, and more awareness. Of course that is something that should be encouraged. I just don't think you should have to say if you don't want to.

amillionyears · 01/05/2012 11:00

I am of the opinion, rightly or wrongly, that it is in the workplace that the most changes need to be made.That if people felt safe in telling bosses, either openly or privately, and bosses had to act appropriately, either through the law, or would be nice anyway, then the whole thing wouldnt be so taboo.Did your boss know about Mary? Or did Mary still not want to say anything.
This is one of my most badly written posts, so please forgive me if it doesnt make much sense.

Tee2072 · 01/05/2012 11:03

I talk about my mental health issues all the time. Not for the reason you say, but because I am not more embarrassed by them than I am by my diabetes or my fibromayalgia.

However, not everyone feels as I do. And that's their right.

Original poster
Kayano · 01/05/2012 11:08

My boss didn't know about Mary at the time but knows now apparently after Mary had a huge bust up with another woman and ended up with no one speaking to Mary on her other shifts.

It's not JUST about the position it put me in but I think it put Mary in a horrible position too because
People were increasingly
Impatient with her and it caused rows and was very unpleasant.

Even if she didn't tell the boss (it's all fine now everyone knows btw my mum and Mary still there) a quiet word with other people may even have helped a bit.

It (her case) wasn't like depression where it very much affected just the sufferer iyswim

OP posts:
Original poster
Kayano · 01/05/2012 11:09

I should probably say at this point that I suffer from anxiety and have been signed off myself numerous times and have panic attacks

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 01/05/2012 11:17

We have had quite few relatives in the care home who have mental health issues or personality (as in disorder) issues. It has caused problems in the past due to their differences in understanding of certain situations. Many people with these problems aren't even diagnosed so they're unaware and so are their relatives. They just know they're 'not right' or 'difficult'. The public as a whole should be more aware of what it means to be mentally healthy and to be able to easily seek help if they're not. There's a lot of secret misery out there.

amillionyears · 01/05/2012 11:22

I also would like the public to be aware that mental illness came be recovered from.If MH was thougth of more in the terms of like a broken leg,it can be mended, then many people would be a lot more tolerant.

TheRhubarb · 01/05/2012 11:33

There is still a lot of discrimination over any kind of mental health issue. If Mary had told them at the interview that she had OCD, then she may well not have got the job.

Also, many people don't realise they have mental health problems until it's pointed out to them. It becomes just a normal part of their lives, an everyday routine.

My ds at the age of 8 is currently having mental health issues. I have had well meaning people (including my own sister) diagnosing him as having aspergers, autism and dyspraxia. He has none of these things, yet people seem to feel the need to label others and put them neatly in a box so they know exactly where they stand. I've had other thoughts from people that ds is just soft, that we are too pandering, that's he's playing up etc etc. I dread getting party invites and having to explain to the mum that he has separation anxiety so would she mind if he came on a playdate first with me around to get used to it and would she mind if I stayed for the party. People are not as understanding as you would think - and this is towards a child. Imagine coming across that attitude as an adult.

Yes it can be frustrating when you realise you've got the wrong end of the stick and it all falls into place. Esp in your situation because you actually had to leave your job. But from Mary's point of view, you may not have been understanding, you might have teased her or become impatient with her or made a big deal about it. She was no doubt afraid of losing her job too.

It's one of those, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't situations. I can understand both pov but I think that expecting everyone to announce their mental health issues to an unsympathetic society is being naive.

hiddenhome · 01/05/2012 11:42

ds1 had terrible treatment from the other parents due to his 'difficulties' Sad He was never invited to parties, blackballed from Scouts and ended up being nearly being throttled by a parent helper. I did seek help for him, but was told he wasn't badly enough affected Sad He needed help, trust me.

Rhinosaurus · 01/05/2012 11:43

I think there are an awful lot of adults with undiagnosed Aspergers, as it wasn't the "done thing" to get a diagnosis back in the day.

I am not surprised people hide mental health issues, as there is still a significant stigma and discrimination around mental health.

Birdsgottafly · 01/05/2012 11:47

My DD is 26, she has a very responsible job. She has dyslexia and ADHD, plus the assocciated anxiety that adults with ADHD can have.

Being honest hasn't helped her at all, even though she is in a social care job and mixes with social care professionals/staff.

In other jobs, her conditions have been used against her.

EatsBrainsAndLeaves · 01/05/2012 11:52

I don't think there is an easy answer to this. Yes in an ideal world people with MH problems would be open about this. It would help them and others.

In the real world people are very judgemental about mental health problems and some people treat those with mental health problems very differently. That is why many people are not open about this, particularly with more serious chronic mental health problems like my friend who has szichophrenia.

NimpyWindowmash · 01/05/2012 11:56

I sort of agree with you OP... I think, but just because someone has a diagnosis of OCD doesn't mean they are still not a pain in the arse to live or work with.

Mary may well have been a stirrer as well as having OCD. Are you saying you would you have excused her all her odd accusations if you'd known? You might have still found it annoying. I live with someone with OCD, and even though there is a label for their behaviour, to be honest I still find it annoying.

Also you don't need an official diagnosis to suffer from mental health problems. Aren't we all somewhere along the spectrum with issues like anxiety, depression, OCD, paranoia?

Original poster
Kayano · 01/05/2012 12:00

I would have still found it annoying but I would have been more understanding that she had OCD about losing things and that it wasn't personal.

I sort of took it as a personal attack to get me in trouble and it wasn't that at all.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 01/05/2012 12:01

There is no easy answer but I do take your point.
The trouble is that whilst you may genuinely have wanted information which would have helped you accept Marys behaviour, others would interpret and respond to that information differently.

There is a pretty unrelenting sarcasm in here about those who post 'well could you not have considered that he/she may have had mental health issues or SN?' The eye rolling is understandable when a thread is just funny or someone is just venting - the 'professionally offended' comments are sometimes fair enough. But to be honest I think contemplating that a person may have issues would make life a lot easier for some people trying very hard to function in society.

I also try to be open about my own experiences - child abuse, counselling and depression - because if everyone was perhaps the sneering would reduce a tad and everyone could be more open.

EatsBrainsAndLeaves · 01/05/2012 12:08

Pag is right. I have read stuff on here where people are posting just upset about a situation with their kid, and because they are upset and stressed they come across as a bit uptight or anxious. The negative comments this gets from some on here have shocked me. And this is someone who seems a bit uptight or anxious, not someone with a diagnosed mental health problem.

Even common mental health issues like depression lead many people to be patronising or dismissive of that person.

AllYoursBabooshka · 01/05/2012 12:10

I get what you are saying. It can be stressful and a little knowledge about someones situation can give you patience for certain behaviors.

However it is hard because there is so much stigma out there in regards to MH problems. I'm Bipolar and am open about it with most people but many have used it against me. My MIL (who is lovely most of the time) did not believe me when she was told and I doubt she does to this day. She thinks my social anxiety is an excuse to get out of family gatherings. Hmm

Then there are people who research your illness and laugh at you because you don't display every symptom they read on wiki so you must be making it up.

Honestly, Sometimes "normal" people can be a little crazy when it comes to MH. :o

OrmIrian · 01/05/2012 12:11

"Even common mental health issues like depression lead many people to be patronising or dismissive of that person" Ain't that the truth? Hmm MN is quite a shocking place at times.

TheRhubarb · 01/05/2012 12:12

I have had my issues with depression used against me on Mumsnet.

EatsBrainsAndLeaves · 01/05/2012 12:13

There are also those who self diagnose with illnesses like bipolar on the basis that they feel sad and very happy at times. Now that imo is real craziness. Grin

I do agree though that people with Mental Health problems can be a pain like anyone else and its important not to put everything down to that. Just as people with Mental Health problems can appear mentally well. Someone with szichophrenia taking medication can be perfectly "normal".

EatsBrainsAndLeaves · 01/05/2012 12:14

Rhubarb thats terrible!

Sadly from what I have read here it doesn't surprise me. Some people are just gits and idiots as well.